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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL scheduled access

65 replies

redxlondon · 29/03/2024 18:16

I won’t go into the many many reasons why I do not get on with my MIL, but the relevant piece of context is we hardly ever saw her before DS was born.

DS is a newborn, she has offered / requested a weekly slot so she can bond with him, and said I can use it as time to get out the house (which I do with DS everyday…).

AIBU to not want to agree to this? Last time she asked to come over she arrived an hour early, so I just find it mega stressful and never relax. I also miss other people in my life who aren’t here to pop in weekly… so an irrational part of me gets upset thinking about that when she goes on how she can come over all the time.

edit - we saw her every two months or so, and she’s not a terrible person, she’s just done a lot of things that have upset me through selfish or thoughtless acts

OP posts:
PurplePansy05 · 29/03/2024 18:18

You don't have to provide visitation times to see your child to, effectively, a stranger. This is not a zoo.

TimeForTeaAndG · 29/03/2024 18:18

Just say you can't commit to a weekly visit. No explanation.

If she is a terrible person then just keep putting her off any time she asks to visit. Otherwise, agree to one once in a while.

Mummame2222 · 29/03/2024 18:19

ofc you don’t have to but you may feel like you need this break in the not to distant future.

’Thanks MIL, we’ll think about it in a couple of months time’.

Blanketpolicy · 29/03/2024 18:21

Not unreasonable for you MIL to want to visit her dgc, but if the pair of you don't get on it is up to your dh to manage when she visits that suits you both.

forrestgreen · 29/03/2024 18:22

'Sorry it's not a prison, we'll let you know when we're free'

Mrsttcno1 · 29/03/2024 18:26

I wouldn’t agree to this. My MIL is the same, I don’t actively dislike her and she’s never done anything particularly to annoy me, however we just don’t really have a relationship with her, or my FIL to be fair. My husband has never had a close relationship with them and once we were moved out on our own that really showed and we probably saw them I’d say 3/4 times a year max. When we fell pregnant with our baby girl and told them the first thing they said was that they wanted to come see us at the hospital after the birth and wanted to come every week. We very politely declined! In my opinion your relationship with your grandkids is an extension of your relationship with your children, and they made no effort to have a relationship with my husband or me, didn’t text once to check in throughout the pregnancy until about 3 weeks before the due date… no thanks🤣

nadine90 · 29/03/2024 18:27

Just say you can’t commit to a specific time every week, and that you’re not ready to be apart from baby so you will be there. It’s nice she wants to build a relationship with her grandchild, so I’d facilitate it to a degree. But she doesn’t get to dictate the terms of that to you.

pleasehelpagirlout · 29/03/2024 18:33

No. Honestly OP why would you be unreasonable in this situation? Your newborn needs you and doesn’t need weekly appointed visits with anyone. I wouldn’t even let me own mum think she could do this and I’m close to her!

StormingNorman · 29/03/2024 18:41

Why is everyone piling on the MIL. She wants to form a strong bond with her newborn grandchild. This is separate to her relationship with the OP.

Limiting her access because other people can’t visit as often is just irrational. Are you scared the baby will develop a better relationship with her than with your family?

PurplePansy05 · 29/03/2024 18:46

If MIL wants a close bond with grandchildren first and foremost she must be respectful and supportive of their mother. End of story.

Otherwise it is not a given that she must be part of their lives at all.

Mumoftwo1312 · 29/03/2024 18:49

Absolutely not ok to expect to separate a newborn from his mother regularly.

LenaLamont · 29/03/2024 18:50

StormingNorman · 29/03/2024 18:41

Why is everyone piling on the MIL. She wants to form a strong bond with her newborn grandchild. This is separate to her relationship with the OP.

Limiting her access because other people can’t visit as often is just irrational. Are you scared the baby will develop a better relationship with her than with your family?

That doesn't mean she gets scheduled weekly "access" to a newborn.

When the OP wants to see her OR when OP and MIL agree a mutually convenient and acceptable time for MIL to look after the baby for a short time, she can see her grandchild. Expecting a weekly timeslot while the OP is home with her newborn is ridiculous.

Sirzy · 29/03/2024 18:51

I wouldn’t agree to a set time but I would encourage your husband to facilitate them having time together

DisforDarkChocolate · 29/03/2024 18:52

Honestly, I'd compromise on once a month while you were there and not on a set schedule. Once a week with someone who doesn't respect you would be ridiculous.

PrincessTeaSet · 29/03/2024 18:53

I would say you don't want to leave him at the moment and don't want to commit to a regular time as have lots of things on. Invite her over when it suits you, once in a while. Make sure your husband is there if you feel better that way.

When your child is older you may feel differently so don't burn any bridges, she may turn out to be a good grandmother.

phoenixrosehere · 29/03/2024 18:56

StormingNorman · 29/03/2024 18:41

Why is everyone piling on the MIL. She wants to form a strong bond with her newborn grandchild. This is separate to her relationship with the OP.

Limiting her access because other people can’t visit as often is just irrational. Are you scared the baby will develop a better relationship with her than with your family?

Not necessarily separate imo.

OP and her DH didn’t see his mother yet now that there is a baby, MIl has decided she wants weekly visits. Where did this free time come from when OP was pregnant or beforehand?

I understand if she and OP don’t get on, but only to see your son every two months or so and then go to seeing the baby every week?

What does your DH think OP?

Birch101 · 29/03/2024 19:21

I think going to weekly visits after such a fractured relationship is just odd.

I don't have a relationship with my biological father (just didn't grow up with him so bond is not there) I'm happy for my child to be around good and kind people which him and his wife are but seeing as that contact also involves me its...alot mentally and emotionally. I have kind of said in my head a day together every 6 weeks or so is good and of course I'd no way leave them to look after my child.

There has to be a good solid relationship between the parents and GP to facilitate a close and regular bond with grandchildren - imo

You have a newborn take the stress off, just say that's kind of you to offer but I don't need a weekly break at this time thank you, perhaps we can have a get together in X time with DH and you can have some quality time with them both

Kitkatfiend31 · 29/03/2024 19:26

Let your DH manage her visits. But I wouldn't get into an expected weekly visit. It's do hard to stop if it becomes the norm.

Daffodilsarentfluffy · 29/03/2024 19:37

She doesn't need unsupervised visits to be a dgm. She has no rights to your dc at all. Tell her you have waited 9 months to be able to bond with your baby yourself!! And you aren't ready to hand them over yet. She is bonkers...

PermanentlyTired03 · 29/03/2024 19:40

I had a similar situation with my inlaws, Who made demands under the umbrella of “we are just trying to help” trying to push me out the house when I didn’t want to out so they could be alone with my baby. I got DH to deal with it as I just couldn’t after a while. Ended up with a bit of tantrum which 3 yrs on they still sometimes have when they don’t get their own way! Politely say no thanks, or make up an excuse (I think that’s what I eventually did). Good luck!

trousersearch · 29/03/2024 19:40

I could have written your post myself! I have an 11m, and my MIL has been awful since pregnancy and birth.
I ended up finding a scheduled visit for us actually far less stress than a potential random visit or using up time in the weekend to entertain MIL. My MIL used to text me, and I'd find myself anxious and not replying in case she asked to come over so having a set time worked for me. However this has since stopped because we've fallen out over something us.

Daffodilsarentfluffy · 29/03/2024 19:43

My ils never had my mobile number.. Made for a much less stressful life.

Workawayxx · 29/03/2024 19:45

You absolutely don’t need to commit to weekly visits but I wouldn’t think it strange for timing to increase from 2monthly visits with a new DC involved. it’s also hard to comment fully without knowing the history of little comments.

Id just say you arent looking to be apart from DS for now while he’s so tiny so will continue visits as a family (every few weeks?) but will let her know if/when that changes. They may develop a lovely bond and that could be really helpful for the odd night out or weekend away in the future. It’s hard to imagine when they’re newborn though I definitely found.

Newhere5 · 29/03/2024 19:48

StormingNorman · 29/03/2024 18:41

Why is everyone piling on the MIL. She wants to form a strong bond with her newborn grandchild. This is separate to her relationship with the OP.

Limiting her access because other people can’t visit as often is just irrational. Are you scared the baby will develop a better relationship with her than with your family?

Let me guess..you are a Mil yourself?

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 29/03/2024 19:48

I’d say she can visit once every 2 weeks while you and DH are there. And that you won’t be ready to leave your son for a while. Try and get DH to facilitate the visit/ do all the scheduling communications so you don’t have to be involved.