MIL scheduled access

[redxlondon]

I won’t go into the many many reasons why I do not get on with my MIL, but the relevant piece of context is we hardly ever saw her before DS was born.

DS is a newborn, she has offered / requested a weekly slot so she can bond with him, and said I can use it as time to get out the house (which I do with DS everyday…).

AIBU to not want to agree to this? Last time she asked to come over she arrived an hour early, so I just find it mega stressful and never relax. I also miss other people in my life who aren’t here to pop in weekly… so an irrational part of me gets upset thinking about that when she goes on how she can come over all the time.

edit - we saw her every two months or so, and she’s not a terrible person, she’s just done a lot of things that have upset me through selfish or thoughtless acts

It takes a village. You said she isn't mean or terrible, just a bit thoughtless. Perhaps a comprpromise would be to visit her every two weeks for an hour or meet at a coffee shop and let her have hugs

"Thanks for the offer but let's just play it by ear, I've found that a regular schedule of anything really adds to the stress at the moment." And then get DH to manage visits when it will suit you to have a little time alone, or when you feel you can stomach a visit where DH is doing most of the interacting/facilitating.

For those who are saying that the MIL relationship with the GC is a completely different thing from that with her DIL - no. A person who hurts others whether deliberately or through carelessness, will likely hurt the child too, eventually.

The OP is right to be very wary. Just the fact that the MIL is making the OP feel pressure to acquiesce is a massive red flag.

Why do you think everyone is "piling " on the mil ? You know why!! Because she sounds like a control freak who wants to set rules that allows her control over the situation rather then having some respect for boundaries. No you can't see my new born ever week and usher me off when you don't have a relationship with me or your own son. It's not her child. she's JUST a grandparent. She should concentrate on getting with her own children before we worries about the new born.

Let your husband sort it? When she visit can be used as an opportune time for a shower or whatever else you fancy.

you say she isn’t horrible just a bit thoughtless I don’t think it’s fair to not let her have a relationship with her grandchildren just because your not each others cup of tea.

families are full of different personalities some will gel more than others.

No. I grew up without a close relationship with my grandparents and envy the relationship my DM has with her DGC. I would have resented my mum for standing in the way of a relationship just because she didn’t get on with my Grandma.

. You have a DS Imagine down the line when your DS has a child and his wife doesn’t want you around the baby. Your DS will accept her behaviour as normal, after all that is what his Mother did. It is one of the most hateful thing to experience

It's the controlling element of every week. She has decided this will be good for dgc and op. She's put a pressure on op to do it.

Op it's your dh issue, say to him mil wants to spend time with dgc can you arrange to take dc maybe every few weeks for a visit ?

Am not a grandmother but I feel you are being unfair. The grandparents only being in contact every few months obviously suited your husband pre child and if you are being honest you too! I imagine that MIL may have got used to lack of contact over the years (in other words respect sons wishes not to be crowded by her) now baby is here and GP are excited and want to have a close relationship. Be kind as you will be a grandmother one day too and may have a DIL that dislikes you for no apparent reason. You say that her and son are not close - don’t forget that she was once as close to him as you are to your baby. You don’t have to offer her what she is asking for but you should open your heart to her and allow her to have a close and special relationship with your child. It is childish and mean to say that her seeing your child upsets you because other people can’t have as much access.you are also putting your own irrational emotions above your child’s right to close relationships with extended family. Don’t forget that child comes first.

@redxlondon nah, two monthly before bubba was born so two monthly after bubba born. not more often just because she wants it. she can go and raffle if that is not acceptable to her! she only gets out what she put it and that was not much!

Couldn’t I again only seeing my GC 2 monthly…..I see DS2s DD every week…..and DDs girls 3 to 4 times a week …..2 monthly sounds a bit harsh

A newborn that age doesn't need to bond with a grandparent who just stresses his mum out.

A weekly bonding visit would have been way too much of an imposition for me at that age - and we saw in laws weekly for the first two months.

I only started to relax into parenting the following month when we dodged almost all visits!

I had a great bond with my gran from monthly visits.

She wasn't that arsed about you /dh before so don't be bullied into changing that now you have a dc... She wants a new thing to cuddle she can get a dcat... It isn't up or you to provide her entertainment...

Thanks for so many responses, I’ve read all and will reply properly.

I didn’t share backstory but this comment - “dislikes you for no apparent reason” - allow me to share one.

When I got pregnant it was a shock as I have a medical condition that made it seem unlikely. It was a private matter. When MIL was getting very excited early on in pregnancy DH and I explained it was very high risk and why to try and keep a degree of calm. She set up a MASSIVE group chat of people I didn’t know and shared all my medical details.

Sooooo I have my reasons

Just tell her you are not leaving your baby alone just yet and you will both visit her when you talk to your husband and he will get back to you. Maybe have her visit when your husband there and see how she is with your baby and take it from there but suit yourselves but you may be glad of the help in the future.

OP could just go and take a nap for a couple of hours, read a magazine, go for a walk, prep some dinner, take a long shower. She can do whatever while MIL takes some of the load for a couple of hours a week. If it was her own mother offering weekly help everyone would be praising the support being offered.

Why is MIL not offering to do the chores, that would be helpful and praiseworthy. Proposing to boot the OP out of sight and hearing of her baby is weird, unkind and strange.

MIL has had her chance at being mama.

Ah, another one of these GPs who wants "alone time" with OP's baby? And who isn't very nice to OP?
Nope! She doesn't need to be alone with the baby. And all the PPs saying "be kind" 🙄 How about the GM being kind to her DIL instead of talking about "access" to the baby without her? She should be trying to "bond" with the mother of her grandchildren first, and a good first step there would be to acknowledge that she was wrong to blab about her DIL's private medical details to a load of other people.

Tell her that doesn’t work for you. She’s welcome to visit when you and your dh are both there. Get your dh to sort this out.

You don’t know what the MIL said. You only know OP’s interpretation. You are quoting OP’s words, not necessarily the MIL’s.

Stop being selfish and out your child first. It's your child's gran. You don't have to like her but be mature about it.

Putting the child first? A newborn baby basically wants to breastfeed constantly.

A newborn baby does not need to be separated from his mother, at all, let alone weekly.

The gran/nana should not be the priority but the mum and the baby. Why is it that these mil who are not so nice to daughter in law then expect to be handed a very small baby to have access to with no parent of the baby around. The mil needs to show a bit of respect to daughter-in-law and apologize if she wants to spend time with the baby, but I do not get this new thing how grandparents just expect to have newborn baby to themselves. Yes visit but you had your time as a parent. She also needs to be discussing this with her son and apologize.

this was not good behaviour. I believe that we all make mistakes at times, say inappropriate things, inadvertently hurt people with our own opinions and actions. If this was a standalone event I would say move on for the good of all involved. You come across as a little over sensitive with your comment about her seeing child will trigger your own sadness at others not being able to. I don’t know what is going on as only hearing your side, however if it’s a case of her overall being ok but messing up now and then, then forgiveness and healing is better for all involved. As mentioned earlier, your child deserves a close relationship with her and it’s not your place to stop this. A man seeing his parents every few months pre children is not a sign of a fragile relationship with his own parents - just a sign of a typical young person who is out living their own life. I stand by what I said originally, if she is ok as mentioned, give her the benefit of doubt and open your heart and stop looking for reasons to keep her at arms length. Finally, I would not leave my child at eight weeks old one day a week for unsupervised visits, work out what suits you - also hubby can take baby to visit alone now and again to give you a rest 😁

Exactly this. I’d happily leave my baby with my MIL at a few months (if they were happy to be left-DD1 was NOT!) for a while but newborn- absolutely not.

Thanks everyone for the comments, it’s really helped and appreciate there are some different perspectives.
I’m not going to block her, but I am going to have DH coordinate any visits. Absolutely no scheduled time, or time with me.
Yesterday clinched it. DS had a very very small scratch on his head. Possibly either from him, or me putting his hat on. She used a baby voice and kept saying to him “will they take you away from mummy? What has she done to you”
I have anxiety that’s been incredibly hard since the birth - utterly thoughtless.