MIL scheduled access

[redxlondon]

I won’t go into the many many reasons why I do not get on with my MIL, but the relevant piece of context is we hardly ever saw her before DS was born.

DS is a newborn, she has offered / requested a weekly slot so she can bond with him, and said I can use it as time to get out the house (which I do with DS everyday…).

AIBU to not want to agree to this? Last time she asked to come over she arrived an hour early, so I just find it mega stressful and never relax. I also miss other people in my life who aren’t here to pop in weekly… so an irrational part of me gets upset thinking about that when she goes on how she can come over all the time.

edit - we saw her every two months or so, and she’s not a terrible person, she’s just done a lot of things that have upset me through selfish or thoughtless acts

Wow she’s an evil loon.

Absolutely no scheduled time, or time with me.

Good! And limit how long DH takes baby to see her for. He’s a newborn, he needs his mum.

Do not agree to this op. It will tie you weekly and will be the source of friction should you wish to do something else with your own child. I hope your DH supports this and does not waver. My MIL was a nightmare when we put dd into nursery for a day or so a week as she saw this time as her right. The nursery staff asked me to stop allowing her to pick dd up because she was so awful to them.

On another note, my gs1 lives with me. His deadbeat dad saw him intermittently then his parents wanted to see him Sunday afternoons. They became very stroppy if we were away for any reason. Long story short, gs1's dad became violent (again) and we cut contact. They took us to court for contact and won as they had an established relationship with the child. I am not telling you this to worry you, as it is a very certain type of person who does this but it did happen.

I agree. But depends on what MIL did.

My daughter stopped me seeing grandson, the grandson we practically raised, my daughter was being controlled by ex husband. I took it to court..was granted access..grandkids need to have extended family to know people care, its good for their overall well-being....if MIL is stable etc. However id say give MIL a chance whether shes been present or not. Any nonsense then stop it, but dont use the baby as ammo

That somewhat changes my view that she should have weekly visits despite a difficult relationship with you. What she said is disgusting and your baby will have a lots more bumps, scratches and scrapes as they grow up. Is she going to spew this bile every time? What else is she going to twists? DH to coordinate SUPERVISED visits with your child and to stop her nonsense every single time.

Baby doesn’t need that shit programmed into his DNA.

DS had a very very small scratch on his head. Possibly either from him, or me putting his hat on. She used a baby voice and kept saying to him “will they take you away from mummy? What has she done to you”
I have anxiety that’s been incredibly hard since the birth - utterly thoughtless

Oh that isn't thoughtless. She knows exactly what she's doing in saying things like this. She's deliberately suggesting to OP that the baby could be taken away from her.

I hope all the "be kind" and "she wants to help" brigade read the updates and realise that this woman isn't just a loving GM who wants to help.

And I maintain that GPs are not entitled to "alone time" with young babies against the parents' wishes. They want it so that can play at being mum and/or "parent" the baby in ways they know the parents disapprove of. And anyone who wants to take a breastfed baby away from his mum so they can have "access" or "alone time" is selfish beyond belief.

Are you planning on using her for childcare when you go back to work? If so I'd say start as you mean to go on otherwise you're saying she's only good enough when it's a favour. But you absolutely don't need scheduled times unless that works for you and certainly not without you. Have your DH say along lines of hi mum, regular time doesn't work as we have lots of appointments etc and OP will be starting mum and baby classes. I'll let you know when it's convenient for you to come over, hopefully you'll also be free to come spend some time with US. Arrange for when he's home also at least for now, have him on same page about supervision. If she turns up and is like you go out it's Oh no mum baby is only X, obviously they're much too young to be away from parents.

Absolutely not using her for childcare, we have a nursery place and some friends have been helping me with services to use if I ever need emergency local care. I agree, couldn’t then request help as it works both ways.

Following your updates, I'd say she's not being thoughtless at all. She's deliberately disrespecting you. Nobody absentmindedly sets up an enormous chat group. Nobody thoughtlessly makes remarks about having your baby removed. Keep her as far away as you can, and I'd say no to having the baby alone. And I say that as someone who helps my DS and Dil with the baby. Only when wanted. I've never suggested taking the baby out without her or suggested my Dil goes out. Unless she wants to!

Let me guess..you are a Mil yourself?
Someday a lot of us will be and it sounds like a pretty miserable existence hoping we'll be allowed to see our grandchildren in slots and waiting for an answer with fingers crossed our dil says we can. We regularly saw gps, one more than the other due to distance and it's only as adults you realise your parents' relationship with ils was exactly the same as most others (ie they didn't always get along with them and sometimes just tolerated them) have been throughout time but I appreciate our parents still gave us quality time with them

Newborns need mum or dad. If you don't want MIL near you and you are happy for dad to facilitate a very short visit while you have a break fine

You don't owe your MIL access to your child.

She sounds like a nasty piece of work and you owe her nothing. Do not bend or flex to suit her, do only what works for you and your baby, if and when it feels right for you or you will resent her, and you dp too, for feeling rushed and pressured.

Have you read all the OP's updates? This isn't a normal but imperfect GM wanting to see her GC. She has "innocently" suggested that OP's baby will be taken away from her. She isn't asking for visits, she's demanding unsupervised access. Surely, surely you don't think all that is normal?

FictionalCharacter
no hadn’t read the updates, only the op!

edited to add: and a lot of the people saying no to the mil seeing her gc were before the update but yes agreed not normal

Please take the “joke” custody threat seriously, OP.

Perhaps she was “just” trying to hurt your feelings (not ok on its own) but perhaps she was telegraphing her intentions for the future.

She'd be as far away from my child and my house as I can possibly imagine. There are no words. OP, do not let this woman in, she's preying on your vulnerability now - stay away, you and your baby.