To feel upset and angry

[Nevermarryagain]

Recent funeral for a family member of my partner of over 10 years. I was seated 2 rows behind him and all other family members were in couples, except his brother who's single who he sat with. I felt during the service and after there was little point me being there, he was busy with family and I felt really alone. I was close to the person that died. Angry and upset a few days after I told him how I felt and he didn't get it at all, seemed aggravated that I was upset. Didn't even acknowledge how I said I felt. Just interested in how others would feel in this situation 😔

I would be a bit put out, BUT he obviously felt the need to sit with his brother, who was on his own, had you been sitting with them, the brother might have felt like a 3rd wheel.
Unless the family, always nudge you to one side, I think yabu this time.
The funeral was for the immediate family members. It's not about you.
You attended and paid your respects to the deceased, that should be enough.

Kindly, YABU.
It sounds like your DP was supporting his brother and the rest of the family following the passing of their relative. I appreciate sitting there alone may have been awkward, but funerals are an hour max. Surely you could cope with a little mild social discomfort for that long to allow him to grieve with his family?!

He sounds like a decent bloke - sitting with his brother - someone died - don’t make a big deal of it:

Unless, there is a back story waiting to come along.

Sorry you are upset OP, but your timing in approaching your DP about this is terrible. He and his family are grieving a family member, and he may feel you are making it a little too much about you. I know, you are also grieving, but you need to let this go.

Wow how can you make this funeral about you and your need for attention from him, of course he was busy with family. If you can’t cope with thar you shouldn’t have went. I can’t beleive you then got angry and upset and told him that’s appalling.

Who decided where you were going to sit?

This. At times like this, blood is thicker than water.

It's not about you and I actually can't believe you brought it up to your partner "a few days after "Your partner sounds like a nice bloke to be supporting his brother and helping with the wake and you made his relatives funeral about you because you sat further back?

He is right to have sat with his brother but it is a shame there wasn’t space for you as well. You were there to pay your respects to the deceased but being there, even though not in the same row or even being with them after, is still being supportive to the family and your partner so I think there was a point to you being there. I was very grateful to relatives and friends who turned up to my relative’s funerals even if I didn’t get a chance to talk to them much. It’s solidarity.

Was it a parent? If so then he did a good thing supporting his brother. I would have done the same with my single sibling at the funeral of our parent (leaving DP "alone") but my sibling was with my suriving parent.

Angry and upset a few days after I told him how I felt and he didn't get it at all, seemed aggravated that I was upset.

I would have been aggravated with you too. The last thing I would want if I'd lost a family member is to be pandering to a partner that felt they deserved sympathy too. It was a family funeral, for a member of HIS family. Could you not put him first?

OP, kindly, I think you may be AIBU. If you were there it was to support. I would offer and be much happier a bit further back. I've felt a bit awkward at partner's family funeral but that's normal and doesn't matter or it inevitable. This is not about you. You also liked the person, but it's not the same as the family who is grieving and should be prioritising supporting each other.

Do you know why you might have felt quite upset about something that seems quite normal? Is there some context that is useful?

I know what you mean actually.
This happened to me with my ex he sat with his family I sat a couple of rows back. I felt excluded. But then I never mentioned it to anyone. Made me feel like I wasn’t really family.

Why are you making this about you instead of supporting your DH and family on the grieving period? Are you 6 that you can't sit alone for an hour?

Do you think it would be different if you were married and therefore not an official partner ? I have definitely been to services where 'partners' are not so well included - like they haven't wanted to commit to be a wife/husband so don't get accorded the same respect ?

(I of course understand that you may have very good reasons for not wanting to be a DW.. it trying to thing of reasons I've encountered to explain it)

YABU, it’s not about you, you’re there to support your partner in the way they need and sometimes that’s from the sidelines.

I get that it felt a little awkward for you, but it really would have been better to just suck it up and say nothing about it.

It was a funeral for one of their family members and DP wanted to sit with his brother. That wouldn't have bothered me at all and I think you should have completely let it go, not brought it up a few days later. That makes you sound very self absorbed, whether or not that was the way you meant it.

It would probably be a good idea to apologise.

It’s your partner of over 10 years? Why are you not considered family? I would find that upsetting. I can see why your husband might want to sit with his brother but it seems odd to seat you far off. Could people have just not been thinking about that in the moment? What were they like after the service? Your husband might well have wanted to speak with his family but did no one talk to you?

What are you on about. The fact she wasn’t up front and centre means she’s not considered family? Give over. He was up front with his brother. No coded messages.

I think it depends who died to be honest. But I can't imagine saying anything unless it was your husband's choice you sat back.

YABU, I lost my mother a few weeks ago
I sat with my single sister and my children my partner, (we don't live together) sat a couple of rows behind.

He understood the day was nothing to do with us it was to ensure my sister had my full support and felt she wasn't on own.

With the greatest of respect grow up.

Did you post about this before?

Well I am just trying to work out whether OP is saying she is miffed about not sitting next to her husband, which is unreasonable, or whether she is saying she felt excluded from the mutual support people give each other at a funeral.

Sounds to me as though your partner did a great job of supporting his brother and other relatives.

Did you make an effort to do the same?

You come across as though you expected your partner's (and everybody else's?) undivided attention. That would be unreasonable at any event but particularly on this occasion. This was one instance when selflessness was required.