To feel upset and angry

[Nevermarryagain]

Recent funeral for a family member of my partner of over 10 years. I was seated 2 rows behind him and all other family members were in couples, except his brother who's single who he sat with. I felt during the service and after there was little point me being there, he was busy with family and I felt really alone. I was close to the person that died. Angry and upset a few days after I told him how I felt and he didn't get it at all, seemed aggravated that I was upset. Didn't even acknowledge how I said I felt. Just interested in how others would feel in this situation 😔

We had a similar Issue at my sister's funeral. We had my BIL, my mum, my dad, me, my husband, my brother and my step mum all 'should' have been on the front row. My step mum had to sit one row back. My brother and my husband offered to swap but she declined and we felt bad.

Was it one of his parents? If so you really need to leave it.

It wasn't a parent. When my dad died a few years back he was by my side for the whole day.
Too much information could be outing and I wasn't expecting to be front and centre, I'm not a drama queen.
Everyone else was in couples, and chatting at the wake but I was left sitting alone and I'm disabled so can't stand for long.

Do,you not know anyone else there? Why were you unable to talk to others?

I would end a relationship with someone who complained to me where they were sitting at a funeral service. I honestly can't imagine for one moment thinking that I should be a priority at a funeral of a member of someone else's family. It's breathtaking.

I appreciate that you were close to the person that died but the funeral wasn’t about you and your feelings.

I don't see where you were sat as a problem.

You attended that was the main thing

I should have added at the start, I had his almost teenage sons with me and their mother was not present. They didn't attend the wake

I think complaining to your partner - which is how 'telling' may have come across - was not a good idea.

However, I see where you are coming from. You saw married partners being treated differently. I wonder, do you feel somewhat insecure because you are not married?

I knew most people there but as I can't stand for long I'd have to be able to sit down. He went off to chat to people.

Of course he did. He was at a family member's wake! He will want to talk to family, some of whom he may not have seen for a while. Your additional posts are not helping your case.

As he should be able to do. It was a funeral not your birthday party.

It wasn’t about you but you’re clearly mourning. Try to lean on friends and your own family at this time and leave DP to grieve, it’s much more his loss.

YABU, the funeral wasnt about you or your feelings, he sat with his brother for support

Did you know the dead relative very well? Were you close? Are you grieving? Cause it doesnt sound like it

When I was with my ex ( had been with him 5 years, 2 DC at that point ) and his grandma died, i didnt sit up front or go to the front when the coffin went outside. I didnt know her and would of felt really awkward being in the midst of everyone grieving.

Your feelings / behaviour are a massive red flag. If you'd posted this the other way round everyone would be saying LTB

I actually think you should have sat with your partner at the funeral.
A ten year relationship is longer than some marriages. Do you live together?

I think where you're BU, though, is by mentioning it days later, when your partner is still grieving.

I think being disabled and not being able to stand and mingle changes things. It’s isolating if people don’t come over and sit with you so I can understand if you feel upset about that.I see you were seated with his sons though, so you weren’t on your own during the funeral.

Was it assigned seating for family and you were left out?

in this situation I would sandwich my single sibling between me and DH to make sure everyone was comfortable, included and suppprted.

Well that's good. You weren't alone.

I get you OP. You've been with DP for 10 years. These people (should) know you, respect you, include you. You probably had met the deceased multiple times. When my DH's grandfather died at 96, I was surprised to find I had know him 10 years and felt quite sentimental.

I agree that it is reasonable to expect that the other couples of the generation would greet you. After 10 years, they should know you well. And they should know you well enough to know that you are not able to mingle and make an effort to include you. If I were disabled, my DH's rellies would all have popped over to where I was sitting for a quick chat, offer of cup of tea/plate of snacks post-funeral but they are all super mannerly. His DCs would have looked after me too with cups of tea or whatever.

You sat with his children from a previous relationship and your seating position seems to have been about this. As his DCs they should have been closer to the 'couples' row. Perhaps you were sitting with their cousins? Well done for being with them in their mother's absence.

Did your DP ask you to do this? When my DH's grandfather died at 96, I had spent Christmas, Easter and lots of Sunday roasts with him for 10 years - we went every three weeks or so. I did not go to the funeral but looked after our small DC and his brother's equally small DC. But his brother's wife went to the funeral to support her husband. They had been living abroad and she hardly knew the deceased ... After the funeral, we brought the little cousins to the wake.

@Nevermarryagain I think you are getting a hard time here, for some ( but maybe not all) of this.

I don't understand why you didn't just sit with your Partner and his brother. Who decided that you were to sit 2 rows behind - especially since your had your Partners teens with you? At my Mother's funeral, Partners of close family all sat with their respective partners and I never dreamed that it would be anything else to be honest. But we did have to spread out for numbers on each side of the centre aisle and some on the row behind. I take it this was because of the numbers of 'close family' who needed to be seated as near the front as possible? If that wasn't the case, then I would have felt excluded too.

I do think you are being unreasonable to complain he wasn't sitting with you at the wake afterwards because he was chatting to people. That's what close family of the departed one do. To thank people for coming, maybe to share remembrances of the departed loved one and to receive their condolences again, if people want to offer them.

I also think that no matter how it made you feel, it was unsympathetic of you to complain to your partner a few days later about it. The funeral wasn't about you and you sound as if you are quite self-centred, by complaining. Sorry!

It wasn't planned where I would sit I was last into the church with the children and there was only one space available, there wasn't enough room for all 3 of us comfortably but we had to just squeeze in. I'm not small and neither are the children.

Is it really that big of a deal? You seem a bit needy at a time when it wasn't about you

It doesn't matter where you sat. It's not about you. You should never have complained to your partner about it!

Agreed, try to refrain from making it all about you OP, it's not a great look.

OK, so in that case I would try not to take it to heart. It wasn't anyone deliberately trying to exclude you, just the way things happened. I'm sure your partner did appreciate you being there, especially as you were with his children and thus relieving him of worrying about them while he was supporting his brother.

We none of us can help how we feel about things, so your feelings are absolutely valid to you, but sometimes it helps to just think about how others might feel if you voice them and in certain circumstances decide not to give voice to them at all. I think this was one of those occasions to be honest?

You are grieving too, though, which seems to have been missed by some posters here and I am very sorry for your loss.

You’re overthinking this. With love…let it go.