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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sensitive subject - suicide is in this content.

55 replies

Toblerone45 · 29/03/2024 14:35

My best friend of thirty years (met at school) killed herself in November last year. The grief has been so immense.

Her fiancé has been left with her late teen son (my godson) and they are living in the house where she did this and where the three of them lived.

My friend’s fiancé has now got into a relationship with a new person, and wants to come and visit me over Easter break with this new partner.

I feel really uncomfortable and disloyal to my deceased best friend in entertaining this and really conflicted.

I do so want her fiancé to be happy! But this seems so quick!

Can I say diplomatically that I’m not yet ready to meet this person? And have her at my house? I do so want to see my godson and my friend’s fiancé but I don’t yet feel ready to see his new girlfriend.

OP posts:
calligraphee · 29/03/2024 14:36

I think you are perfectly ok to say you're not ready.
Maybe arrange something else with your godson, take him out for the day?

Original poster
Toblerone45 · 29/03/2024 14:45

Thank you; I do understand that my friend’s fiancé needs to heal and move on (he’s younger than us also) but this all seems very quick; I still am sort of in a state of shock really and also not sure how to react.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toblerone45 · 29/03/2024 14:47

To he clear: my friend’s fiancé is lovely and we have become closer friends since her death, but this has thrown me a bit.

OP posts:
Mamoun · 29/03/2024 14:49

Does the teen have a father?

I understand your predicament but it would be great if you were able to spend time with his godson. Could you say that while you're truly happy for him you're not ready but would love to invite your godson to spend time with you?

KreedKafer · 29/03/2024 14:49

First of all, I’m so sorry that you’ve lost your friend. It must be incredibly hard.

I think it’s OK to say that, although you are happy for him that he’s met someone, you’re not quite ready to meet her just yet. I certainly don’t think you should say you feel ‘disloyal’ or that it seems to too soon - it isn’t fair for you to make your friend’s widowed partner feel like he’s doing something wrong, even if it seems too soon to you to have met someone else. I understand why it seems too quick - it would be too quick for me too - but ultimately he has every right to look for happiness and he is doing nothing wrong.

Also, and I know this is difficult, you need to stop thinking of this man as your friend’s ‘fiancé’. He was her fiancé until she took her own life. He isn’t her fiancé any more, because she is no longer here to marry him, and he can’t spend the rest of his life being identified as someone who is perpetually waiting for a wedding that sadly will not happen. He has to be allowed to move on, even if you’re understandably not ready to meet his new partner yet.

FortofPud · 29/03/2024 14:51

Perfectly OK to say you're so happy they've met someone but aren't quite ready yourself. Could you have godson over to spend time with him while they go out just the two of them?

HelloMiss · 29/03/2024 14:54

Do you think it an attempt to test the water regarding you taking in the son/godson?

Original poster
Toblerone45 · 29/03/2024 14:57

Thank you for responses! I do so want my friend’s fiancé to heal and move on and I’m honestly happy for him that this new relationship is helping him do that.

I’m just worried it’s so quick and also worried about her son and whether he’s really coping with it all.

The whole thing has been so awful to be honest; I still sometimes cry in unguarded moments as I’m also carrying guilt from her death on top of grief.

OP posts:
MillieIou · 29/03/2024 14:57

You are within your rights to say that, but also try and understand that you don't know how their relationship was behind closed doors or how his grief has been and how this could be really healing to him. And also if your friend would want him to have found happiness again. It is soon I agree, but everyone heals differently.

Original poster
Toblerone45 · 29/03/2024 15:04

I do think my friend would have wanted him to be happy.

I am worried about her son. Her death was a traumatic one and in their house.

OP posts:
HelloMiss · 29/03/2024 15:09

He's trying to move on....is he seeing her son as part of the future?

MillieIou · 29/03/2024 15:13

Your godson might be totally fine with it though, it's hard to know without speaking to him.

Original poster
Toblerone45 · 29/03/2024 15:13

Yes, he has been his step dad for coming on ten years. He is very involved with her son.

The child’s biological dad was not so involved for ages but has now really stepped up and moved closer to home.

it’s all so so sad really but honestly, we’re all doing our best I think. Suicide is a very hard thing to deal with.

OP posts:
geywen · 29/03/2024 15:14

4 months is astonishingly fast, especially after such a traumatic loss. I'd struggle
with it too and probably want to delay imeeting her.

Original poster
Toblerone45 · 29/03/2024 15:19

To be completely honest as this is an anonymous forum - I miss my girl so, so much and I am possibly seeing this through a lens of guilt and grief. Not being fair to my friend’s partner.

OP posts:
MillieIou · 29/03/2024 15:21

I think you just need to be honest and tell him how much you're struggling and you don't want to sound selfish but you're not ready to meet someone new yet.

Bearygummies · 29/03/2024 15:23

Toblerone45 · 29/03/2024 15:04

I do think my friend would have wanted him to be happy.

I am worried about her son. Her death was a traumatic one and in their house.

I think it’s OK to say you’re not ready to meet this new woman. I’d be really taken aback, as it’s not even been 6 months. When did he start dating her?

I agree this is very soon and if it was just him , I’d say that’s up to him but he has a child. I wonder how your godson feels about it? Not even one year since his mother has passed.

I’m not saying he has to remain single for ever and yes your friend would have wanted him to be happy in the long term, but at least give them both some time to readjust without her before bringing in a new woman surely.

Years ago when I was single I was talking to a man who had lost his wife/mother of his kids. He said he was looking for a serious relationship leading to marriage. I asked when his wife’s death was and when he said “oh it was ages ago - last year. I’m over that now” I immediately rushed to end that conversation because it just seemed off and I wondered how his kids would feel at a new woman too. Yes, people process things but it didn’t strike me as a healthy situation.

My friend lost her husband to suicide in 2018, she was a serial dater before him but to her credit she has focused on recovery and healing for her and her 2 kids who were massively impacted by it.

Everyone’s timeline will be different but 5 months seems premature. I would be worried about your godson too. I do think it’s important you try and communicate to him that you are there for him to talk to and support .

Postapocalypticcowgirl · 29/03/2024 15:35

I think it's absolutely fine to say you're not ready to meet the new partner yet.

I would offer to take your godson out for the day over the Easter break.

How is your godson dealing with the idea of a new partner in his step-dad's life? I can imagine that must be very difficult for him.

Original poster
Toblerone45 · 29/03/2024 15:35

Thank you for all replies. I guess the problem is here that I am not over it. He has a right of course to move on in whatever way it suits him and if I want to be involved, I need to take his lead really.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toblerone45 · 29/03/2024 15:36

My godson is apparently very negative towards the new relationship at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toblerone45 · 29/03/2024 15:38

I just looked at the vote thing and 25 percent think I’m unreasonable. I’d like to know why, to help me do this right!

OP posts:
Bearygummies · 29/03/2024 15:40

Toblerone45 · 29/03/2024 15:36

My godson is apparently very negative towards the new relationship at the moment.

Looking at how other children I know were impacted by their parents deaths, especially deaths by suicide, I am not surprised to hear this.

And tbh I think this is the main problem- irrespective of your own feelings there’s a grieving child involved in this. Whatever you decide please try and be there for your godson.

Edit to add: why are you so concerned that a quarter ( a minority) of voters think YABU? People will always have different opinions and it’s rare for 100% to vote one way or the other. I think if anything focus on helping your godson, that is a great way to honour your friendship whether you meet this new woman or not.

Original poster
Toblerone45 · 29/03/2024 15:42

Yes, thank you, he is centred for me, but I am not directly in his life as a carer, just a family friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toblerone45 · 29/03/2024 15:47

The worry about the vote is if I’m missing something- I want to do the right thing. If a quarter of people think I’m wrong, it’s a significant minority.

OP posts:
Notinthemood12 · 29/03/2024 15:47

It’s too soon for you, understandably. It’s ok to let him know that