Sensitive subject - suicide is in this content.

[Toblerone45]

My best friend of thirty years (met at school) killed herself in November last year. The grief has been so immense.

Her fiancé has been left with her late teen son (my godson) and they are living in the house where she did this and where the three of them lived.

My friend’s fiancé has now got into a relationship with a new person, and wants to come and visit me over Easter break with this new partner.

I feel really uncomfortable and disloyal to my deceased best friend in entertaining this and really conflicted.

I do so want her fiancé to be happy! But this seems so quick!

Can I say diplomatically that I’m not yet ready to meet this person? And have her at my house? I do so want to see my godson and my friend’s fiancé but I don’t yet feel ready to see his new girlfriend.

@Toblerone45 I can't vote but I think it's absolutely ok to tell him you want him to be happy but you're not ready to meet his new girlfriend yet.

I know three men whose wives/partners have died In recent years (all had cancer) and all have moved on to new relationships within months and it was really tough for everyone around them to accept it/catch up.

It's your grief and your timeline so don't feel bad for how you feel.

The concern here is that there's a grieving child involved too. I do think this is unfair on him and really quite inconsiderate of the step dad. He's not thinking about this poor child's feelings after a very traumatic bereavement and I'd question his ability to support him through this if he can't put him first for a while.

If it’s too soon for you say so. I would be more concerned about how your godson is taking all this; he’s still grieving his mother and no-doubt still trying to process the circumstances around her death and Dad has moved on already.

It may be uncharitable of me but I think her fiancée has moved on with indecent haste.

Thank you so much for all messages - I have to go and collect my own children now but will look at the thread again later

Interesting. I’m aware you’re not this child’s carer and don’t have any kind of PR but he is your godson and best friends child. I’d be there for my friends kids in a heartbeat.

Your best friend has died in traumatic circumstances, so if anything your role as family friend has the potential to be especially important & valuable to him now that his immediate household may not feel a safe place due to his mums suicide and this new woman being around.

Re. Vote. 75% is still a clear majority and I suspect if you’d mentioned the relationship is negatively impacting your godson it would have have been even higher. But if that element is not your focus, it is what it is.

good luck with whatever you decide.

Grief affects everyone differently. My partner took his own life over 2 years ago and I am nowhere near ready to meet anyone else. This man will still be grieving, just because he has met someone else I don't think he is being disloyal to her memory. I think the best thing to do would to be honest. I woukd definitely try and see your godson alone. He might want to talk. U can simply do things with him.jntil u feel ready.

Absolutely too son he should understand there is nothing wrong with leaving it for longer it may not even work out …see your god son for sure …bless you what a very sensitive situation x

YANBU, It is shockingly soon and I say that as a widow myself. I am pretty sure it’s very difficult for the son, poor boy, not only has he lost his mum he now has a new woman to contend with less than 6 months after her passing. My kids were younger when their dad passed but the oldest of them struggled for many years, I don’t think they would have coped with me moving someone else in let alone so quickly.

I think that you should be honest with her fiancée and just meet up with your godson, he may be able to open up to you on a one to one basis. FWIW, a lot of bereavement counselling doesn’t even start until after a year after passing as before that most people are in shock and not ready.

I think you need to recognise this man lost his life partner in the worst imaginable way.
I think is saying what you plan to say would come across as being territorial about what is primarily his, and her son's loss- not yours.
I can't see how it could not cause massive offense.

You can say no.
My Dad killed himself, and I refused to meet my mother's boyfriend.
The way I see it, if they're happy to move on, go ahead, but I'm not them, and they're not me. Time is very individual. You'll meet her when you feel ready, and that's ok.

I think as hard as this is OP, you need to do whatever is right for the child involved in all this, whatever helps him through the next few years. If that means meeting the new girlfriend then so be it. Poor lad.
It does seem very soon for the step dad to have moved on, but its a well recognised pattern of behaviour in bereaved men.

I voted YABU - wish it was a more subtle way of voting! The reason was not at all hostile, let me just reassure you! My concern was for your godson - I felt that any smoothing of his life will be the best favour you can do for your late friend. If his stepdad has found someone else maybe you can help your godson come to terms with it. I think your godson is the most important person in this and thank goodness his stepdad is staying in place. So the vote was simply in favour of your agreeing with the stepdad’s request to bring the new partner! I am so sorry for the terrible grief and loss you’re experiencing.

Fuck me, men really do move on quickly

I know three men whose wives/partners have died In recent years (all had cancer) and all have moved on to new relationships within months and it was really tough for everyone around them to accept it/catch up.
@waftabout me too. In an entirely separate subject to OP’s question, I think it just demonstrates the role we are perceived as filling in men’s eyes. To be replaced for comfort ASAP.

I’m not surprised.

Sorry, I think the now-not-fiancé is an insensitive twat. Four months is no time at all. I’d be furious, feel extremely sorry for the boy that his mum is so easily replaceable.

This is very interesting as this is my experience as well, that men move on very quickly even if there are children involved. It surprises me as I am widowed and can’t imagine moving on so quickly especially as you have to consider the affects on the children. My kids have needed counselling throughout their young lives.

I voted YABU because I don't judge him moving on quickly. I was widowed young and it's unbelievably lonely. I didn't meet anyone so soon but I can absolutely understand why someone might. You get judged enough as a widow/er as everyone has an opinion on what an appropriate way to grieve is. I saw this when Tom Parker's widow started dating. There's extra emotional complexity with suicide. So you're own feelings are absolutely valid but I am sure he will feel judged by you if you don't meet her... so just be aware of that.

Developing a separate relationship with the godson might be the way forward in the longer term?

If your godson is feeling negative about it, perhaps it would be helpful for you to tell your friend that you too are finding it difficult and it's too soon for you.

Perhaps it might make him stop and think for a second about the whole situation.

I'm not suggesting he stops the relationship, but maybe slows it down a little, for the sake of his clearly devastated step-son.

I was also widowed young and although I didn't meet someone quickly I absolutely could have done, I was desperately lonely and missed being someone's partner. Not reflective of how much I loved my DH at all. I think it's a bit cruel to suggest men only see their wives as a comfort object. I actually once read someone theorise that men move on quicker because they're subject to less judgement than women for doing so and if that judgement wasn't there women might also meet someone else more quickly and for me that was definitely a factor.

It is too soon, for everyone involved. I'm a widow you think your coping ok, l could only see how vulnerable l really was months, years even after my husband's death. It's an enormous challenge for children, to lose a parent young, they need stability and security after such a huge loss. I saw the impact first hand it had on my own children, that was as bad if not worse than the actual death. The son should be the priority, what a shame, who is really there for him?

I am sorry for your loss. I didn’t say that men see their wives as comfort objects not sure if you’ve quoted the wrong post. I said that IME men generally move on very quickly. I just think it’s difficult for children, I suppose I feel that a lot as my children really struggled.

Thank you, all who have responded for your thoughts. I am going to have a chat with step dad/former fiancé tomorrow about it all.

I miss my mate so much, I can’t tell you. I went to call her earlier about a thing and almost forgot I can’t talk to her any more 🥲

it’s been hideous for all of us I guess.

Also, I meant to say, I’m sorry for all of you who have lost your people. It is so hard.

Your grief shines through in your post. I'm so sorry for your loss. I wonder, why do you feel guilty?
I agree that it seems very far for your FF to have moved on, but men often move on faster than women, and he might be feeling so awful that he's got ANYTHING to make him feel better (consciously or not). The relationship may not last. But do say you're not ready to meet the new gf.

Can you see your friend's son? It must be very for him, especially having to live in the ho u sex where she died.

Ignore my first post, bloody thing posted too soon. I meant

Your grief shines through in your post. I'm so sorry for your loss. I wonder, why do you feel guilty?

I agree that it seems very fast for your FF to have moved on, but men often move on faster than women, and he might be feeling so awful that he'd do ANYTHING to make him feel better (consciously or not).

The relationship may not last. But do say you're not ready to meet the new gf.

Can you see your friend's son? It must be very hard for him, especially having to live in the house where his mother died. Is he having counselling?

Hi, yes he is having counselling. And I can see him when he wants to through both step dad and his actual father who has been fairly absent in the past but stepped up a lot over the last few months.

I miss my girl so much is all. It’s tricky.