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Original poster

To feel like I'm 'lesser' than others for living in a very small house?

270 replies

VenusPlanet · 29/03/2024 11:01

I live in a very middle class area.
But my house is one of the few that are very small. Tiny.
And I feel bad about it in comparison to others in my area that are living in much bigger, much more expensive houses.
It's an awful feeling.
I'm really sociable by nature but I never invite any friends round because all my friends live in big 4 or 5 bedroom detached houses and I'm embarrassed for them to come to mine. I have a mix of my own long term friends, and lots of mum friends who live in my area that I've made friends with from school, and every one of them lives in a large detached home, and lots of them are planning large kitchen extensions with bifolds when their kitchens are already 4 times the size of mine to start with, many of them have lovely loft conversions to create another room with ensuite, and some of them have second homes on top of this too.
My DD has made a new friend, we both got invited round for a playdate, sat in their colossal sized kitchen and the mum told me all about how they'd put a huge extension on the back of their house and created an extra bedroom with en suite in their loft "because the kids are only going to get bigger", but they already had a big house to begin with.
Then I went to collect my DS from a friend's house a few weeks ago, Ahh I thought as I walked in, at last, a house that is the same size as mine......only for the mum to greet me with the news that they are having a 6 metre rear extension and a loft conversion "because the size of this house (the same size as my house) is much too small for a family of 4". Meanwhile I live in my same sized house as a family of 4.
My house measures 18 ft wide by 25 ft deep. That's the whole footprint. My kitchen is tiny. We have no hallway. The 3rd bedroom is a tiny box room measuring 6ft wide by 9 ft.
Our next door neighbour, who we are joined on to, have a humongous rear extension, it's honestly huge, and now they are getting a double story side extension as well because "The kids are both getting bigger now (they're both in KS1 at primary school) so we need more space". They are a family of 4 like us, living in an already extended house making it much bigger than ours, yet they still think their house needs further extension.
A neighbour up the road has had a massive double story side extension to create a 4th bedroom and bigger kitchen.
A mum friend, whose house is way bigger than mine and detached with a huge garden etc., has a kitchen that is not that much bigger than mine, I mean it is about 50% bigger than mine, but not 4 times the size like other friends kitchens are. Yesterday we met up and she announced they're getting a big rear extension because of their "poky little kitchen" which will become a utility room and the 5 metre extension will become their new kitchen. But their 'poky' kitchen is bigger than mine. So why say this to me?
We will never, ever be in the position to extend, or move to a bigger house.
We could have bought a bigger, more spacious house, in a cheaper area. But we put lots of consideration in to location, and decided to buy a small house in a very expensive area that's a wonderful location.
But I didn't expect to get these feelings of unworthiness about how small our house is compared to everyone else's.
If they've all got huge houses or are getting their similar sized homes massively extended, then they must look at us in sympathy, surely? And I hate that thought, i really do.
A very old friend from childhood bought a house the same size as our house, at the same time, in a different area. After 2 years they moved up the ladder and bought a much bigger house. Recently she came round to visit with her kids and asked "Have you got any plans to move to a bigger house?" almost in a feeling sorry for me way. "No" I replied bluntly. I thought "We're struggling enough trying to pay the mortgage on this house! Let alone a bigger mortgage on a bigger house!".
Another old friend from Uni sat on my sofa moaning about the small size of her house and how they're looking to move because they can't cope with the size of their house, she currently lives in a house much bigger than mine, has the same sized family, same age kids, and she sat and moaned about the lack of 5 bedroom detached houses available in her area and how they are going to have to reluctantly settle for a 4 bedroom detached house instead, and she looked really genuinely fed up about it. I was incredulous and thought "How can you sit there moaning about your big house when you are sitting in my house which is half the size of the house you currently live in and are moaning about it being too small?!".
A mum friend came to collect her child from a playdate at our house, I was in the kitchen making her a cup of tea, and she stood in my kitchen and said "How on earth do you manage in such a small kitchen? There's only enough room for 1 person in here!".
Another mum friend came round to see me when I was ill, offered to make me and her a cup of tea, which she did, then gave it to me and said "Actually when I was making our tea I realised that there is actually space to make dinner" I was too ill to respond but I had never, ever mentioned my kitchen to this friend. Never. It was as though she'd been having a conversation in her own head about it, or as though she'd been having a conversation with someone else about my kitchen.
And another mum came round to collect her child from a playdate, and was head swivelling all over the place looking at my home. She didn't say anything. I don't know her well. But I do know that she was staring at every inch of my home in every direction in rather an exaggerated way, and I do know that she lives in a double fronted detached house with multiple rooms.
So all of this makes me feel like crap for underachieving in terms of my affordability to buy a bigger, seemingly thought of by others as what would be thought of as a 'better', house.
Am I going mad to be bothered by living in a small house and interpeting that as feeling bad about myself and feeling bad for my children that I haven't given them a big house to grow up in?
Why am I coming up against such house snobbery from people when they come to my house?
I never mention my house size, or anything about it, to anyone! I don't even comment on it to others!
My children have started making comments about how big their friends houses are when they get invited round to play, in a matter of fact way, but even they are noticing how much bigger other friends houses are compared to ours.

OP posts:
MyDearOliveDuck · 30/03/2024 17:49

Don't worry about it. If they judge you by the size of your house they are not worth worrying about.

Moll2020 · 30/03/2024 17:52

It may be a small house but it’s your home. Doesn’t matter about the size of your home, these other people may be up to their armpits in debt building their huge extensions. I bought my kids up in a small terraced house, the other day they were talking together with their partners about the fabulous childhood they had, I overheard and it made me teary to hear them say what a happy childhood they had. Enjoy your small home, life is too short to give a sh*t about being materialistic x

DisabledDemon · 30/03/2024 17:58

VenusPlanet · 29/03/2024 11:01

I live in a very middle class area.
But my house is one of the few that are very small. Tiny.
And I feel bad about it in comparison to others in my area that are living in much bigger, much more expensive houses.
It's an awful feeling.
I'm really sociable by nature but I never invite any friends round because all my friends live in big 4 or 5 bedroom detached houses and I'm embarrassed for them to come to mine. I have a mix of my own long term friends, and lots of mum friends who live in my area that I've made friends with from school, and every one of them lives in a large detached home, and lots of them are planning large kitchen extensions with bifolds when their kitchens are already 4 times the size of mine to start with, many of them have lovely loft conversions to create another room with ensuite, and some of them have second homes on top of this too.
My DD has made a new friend, we both got invited round for a playdate, sat in their colossal sized kitchen and the mum told me all about how they'd put a huge extension on the back of their house and created an extra bedroom with en suite in their loft "because the kids are only going to get bigger", but they already had a big house to begin with.
Then I went to collect my DS from a friend's house a few weeks ago, Ahh I thought as I walked in, at last, a house that is the same size as mine......only for the mum to greet me with the news that they are having a 6 metre rear extension and a loft conversion "because the size of this house (the same size as my house) is much too small for a family of 4". Meanwhile I live in my same sized house as a family of 4.
My house measures 18 ft wide by 25 ft deep. That's the whole footprint. My kitchen is tiny. We have no hallway. The 3rd bedroom is a tiny box room measuring 6ft wide by 9 ft.
Our next door neighbour, who we are joined on to, have a humongous rear extension, it's honestly huge, and now they are getting a double story side extension as well because "The kids are both getting bigger now (they're both in KS1 at primary school) so we need more space". They are a family of 4 like us, living in an already extended house making it much bigger than ours, yet they still think their house needs further extension.
A neighbour up the road has had a massive double story side extension to create a 4th bedroom and bigger kitchen.
A mum friend, whose house is way bigger than mine and detached with a huge garden etc., has a kitchen that is not that much bigger than mine, I mean it is about 50% bigger than mine, but not 4 times the size like other friends kitchens are. Yesterday we met up and she announced they're getting a big rear extension because of their "poky little kitchen" which will become a utility room and the 5 metre extension will become their new kitchen. But their 'poky' kitchen is bigger than mine. So why say this to me?
We will never, ever be in the position to extend, or move to a bigger house.
We could have bought a bigger, more spacious house, in a cheaper area. But we put lots of consideration in to location, and decided to buy a small house in a very expensive area that's a wonderful location.
But I didn't expect to get these feelings of unworthiness about how small our house is compared to everyone else's.
If they've all got huge houses or are getting their similar sized homes massively extended, then they must look at us in sympathy, surely? And I hate that thought, i really do.
A very old friend from childhood bought a house the same size as our house, at the same time, in a different area. After 2 years they moved up the ladder and bought a much bigger house. Recently she came round to visit with her kids and asked "Have you got any plans to move to a bigger house?" almost in a feeling sorry for me way. "No" I replied bluntly. I thought "We're struggling enough trying to pay the mortgage on this house! Let alone a bigger mortgage on a bigger house!".
Another old friend from Uni sat on my sofa moaning about the small size of her house and how they're looking to move because they can't cope with the size of their house, she currently lives in a house much bigger than mine, has the same sized family, same age kids, and she sat and moaned about the lack of 5 bedroom detached houses available in her area and how they are going to have to reluctantly settle for a 4 bedroom detached house instead, and she looked really genuinely fed up about it. I was incredulous and thought "How can you sit there moaning about your big house when you are sitting in my house which is half the size of the house you currently live in and are moaning about it being too small?!".
A mum friend came to collect her child from a playdate at our house, I was in the kitchen making her a cup of tea, and she stood in my kitchen and said "How on earth do you manage in such a small kitchen? There's only enough room for 1 person in here!".
Another mum friend came round to see me when I was ill, offered to make me and her a cup of tea, which she did, then gave it to me and said "Actually when I was making our tea I realised that there is actually space to make dinner" I was too ill to respond but I had never, ever mentioned my kitchen to this friend. Never. It was as though she'd been having a conversation in her own head about it, or as though she'd been having a conversation with someone else about my kitchen.
And another mum came round to collect her child from a playdate, and was head swivelling all over the place looking at my home. She didn't say anything. I don't know her well. But I do know that she was staring at every inch of my home in every direction in rather an exaggerated way, and I do know that she lives in a double fronted detached house with multiple rooms.
So all of this makes me feel like crap for underachieving in terms of my affordability to buy a bigger, seemingly thought of by others as what would be thought of as a 'better', house.
Am I going mad to be bothered by living in a small house and interpeting that as feeling bad about myself and feeling bad for my children that I haven't given them a big house to grow up in?
Why am I coming up against such house snobbery from people when they come to my house?
I never mention my house size, or anything about it, to anyone! I don't even comment on it to others!
My children have started making comments about how big their friends houses are when they get invited round to play, in a matter of fact way, but even they are noticing how much bigger other friends houses are compared to ours.

For a start, I'd say you need some different friends. If their measure of friendship is the size of respective houses then they're very shallow indeed.

Secondly, I'd suspect that a number of these people are mortgaged to the hilt and have maxed out their available credit lines to live so high on the hog. You just don't know what's going on behind closed doors.

Lastly, stop comparing yourself. It only leads to discontent and unhappiness. I'm not saying don't strive for the best - but ask yourself why you're doing it.

RachieSteves · 30/03/2024 18:14

Weirdly I have the opposite problem to this. We were lucky enough to be able to move to a 4 bedroom detached house, it’s not like a mansion but definitely bigger than the average house in this area. But I have the problem that because I have the biggest house out of all my friends and family, people assume im always happy to host things, I never get invited to peoples houses because they say “oh you’ve got the bigger house” so play dates with friends, ladies evenings, just recently my mums 60th birthday party, family gatherings generally….everyone assumes that I’m hosting and don’t always even ask lol.

please never think anyone is looking down on you, friends and family I’m sure are never looking down on you at all. If your house works for you and if it’s what you can afford than it’s perfect for your family of 4. I wouldn’t be suprised if a lot of the people who you’ve spoken to who are extending or moving to bigger houses are struggling financially on the down low, it’s really tough right now!

Gingernan · 30/03/2024 18:22

Honestly, you will be glad later on, less need to downsize.I wish we could have stayed in our tiny first house just out of London,it was lovely. Have had a very cheap but quite roomy ex corporation house now,actually bought it outright in 1983. I wish I could afford to keep it nicely decorated but it's been a happy if scruffy family home.

Sennelier1 · 30/03/2024 18:25

Friends are friends because they like you, because they want to be with you. Not to check out how you live. You are overthinking this. It doesn't matter how big or small your kitchen is, and you have an enormous garden because it reaches up into the sky. You invite people for coffee or tea, not to play tennis in your livingroom!

TheLonelyStarbucksLovers · 30/03/2024 18:25

The main thing I notice about other peoples houses is the atmosphere. Whether it is a happy welcoming comfortable space is the main thing.

I’ve been to lovely five bed houses where there’s an awful atmosphere as the Dad is disengaged from family live and a divorce is on the cards. And spotless big houses where you can’t relax as it’s so sterile. Or big houses that are freezing cold throughout.

A smaller house really isn’t the issue you seem to think it is OP. And anyone who would think less of you for having one has some very skewed priorities!

ThistleTits · 30/03/2024 18:26

@VenusPlanet you don't know what the future will bring.
They may all be living beyond their means. Spam city dwellers we used to call them. Everything is on cc.
No one is judging you on your home, except perhaps you.
Embrace a warm, watertight, happy home.

Zorroz · 30/03/2024 18:30

I love small houses. We moved to a big home (not m choice) and I am a slave to cleaning. My friend lives in a hobbit hole and I'm envious of her. Another friend lives small with big holidays. A big home comes with some sort of trade off. Don't believe the superficial appearance. If people think less of you for it then thank your house for being the filter mechanism that syphons off the type of people you don't want as friends anyway. Look up the conscious tiny house movement. It's a contribution to climate change so we should all live small.

QGMum · 30/03/2024 18:32

YABU. Your ‘friends’ are the problem not the size of your house. Sorry but they sound ghastly.

Beezknees · 30/03/2024 18:33

YABU.

Why would anyone care about the size of your house? This is a you problem that you need to get over. I live in a flat. Could not care less.

Coco1379 · 30/03/2024 18:33

If they are true friends it won’t matter how small your house is. There’s no reason to feel inferior

Kidsfortea · 30/03/2024 18:59

Just think… bigger house, more housework and less money x

Ladymeade · 30/03/2024 19:00

spudnik1 · 29/03/2024 11:11

Similar situation. Our house is small compared to all my DS friends' houses. My kitchen can only fit an oven a sink and 2 cupboards. That is it. All the appliances are in the garage.
We are expecting our second, and it will be a squeeze.
We looked at upsizing, but it would mean a mortgage of at least 150k.
Nope, it's not happening.
We are on track to retire at 55. We don't have a mortgage, so spend what we want when we want. Our child has a healthy house deposit of his own.

All this because we stayed in our first house.

I think too many people are dragged into the housing ladder rubbish.
If they ask when you are moving, just say I am going to retire early instead, plus my house doesn't take as long to clean.

Exactly us! We have one mitigating factor over our friends with bigger houses in that we live in a period house with loads of character so that's my "reasons to be cheerful part 3" Before COVID, we were considering an extension as it would really move our house into the family range (we currently have 3 beds and one bathroom with a downstairs loo) creating an extra bedroom with an ensuite plus a larger kitchen (or snug area) but you know what - it's all but paid off so we intend to retire at a decent age (60) rather than increase the mortgage.

nadine90 · 30/03/2024 19:10

Faithalways · 29/03/2024 19:36

Something that stems to my mind instantly is if we are not greatful for what we have now, even when we have 'more' it will never be enough. Always wanting the next best thing newest car, bigger house. All these material things won't bring us more happiness.
I have started practicing gratitude more often and it has made me feel so grateful for what I do have. We easily fall in the trap of comparing what we have to others, but when we are grateful more often this will decrease :)
I live in the South East and a single parent, I currently own a flat and one day I aiming for a small house like yours with a garden

Abso-bloody-lutely!
Gratitude is life changing ❤️ xxx

ExpatAl · 30/03/2024 19:11

I never ever judge a house and doubt those mums are. I do look round though to see how it’s decorated, furniture etc, just out of interest and inspiration and love to poke around in the kitchen. There will be those that judge of course but it fulfills a gap in their lives. Don’t give it a thought. Concentrate on making your house cute and warm. Everyone will love to have a coffee at your table.

dapsnotplimsolls · 30/03/2024 19:19
  1. Quicker to clean.
  1. Cheaper to heat.
EuropeanMongrel · 30/03/2024 19:26

"Keeping up with the Joneses"

I can't think of anything more vacuous. If most of your life is based on how big your rear extension is then you have a very empty life.
This is the English middle-class world I am happy to have moved away from in my teens by living in Central London where many of the people would be happy to have the space you have.
I judge the people around me on what values they impart to their children before I ever judge them on the 4-bed detached house and the BMW in the driveway.

NoBunnyHome · 30/03/2024 19:28

For most of us, there are always (loads of) people with more and always (loads of) people with less.

If you worry about others judging you for having less then them, is this because you secretly judge those that have less then you?

If not, then why do you think everyone else thinks about these things so differently than you do?

Helen1625 · 30/03/2024 19:30

VenusPlanet · 29/03/2024 11:01

I live in a very middle class area.
But my house is one of the few that are very small. Tiny.
And I feel bad about it in comparison to others in my area that are living in much bigger, much more expensive houses.
It's an awful feeling.
I'm really sociable by nature but I never invite any friends round because all my friends live in big 4 or 5 bedroom detached houses and I'm embarrassed for them to come to mine. I have a mix of my own long term friends, and lots of mum friends who live in my area that I've made friends with from school, and every one of them lives in a large detached home, and lots of them are planning large kitchen extensions with bifolds when their kitchens are already 4 times the size of mine to start with, many of them have lovely loft conversions to create another room with ensuite, and some of them have second homes on top of this too.
My DD has made a new friend, we both got invited round for a playdate, sat in their colossal sized kitchen and the mum told me all about how they'd put a huge extension on the back of their house and created an extra bedroom with en suite in their loft "because the kids are only going to get bigger", but they already had a big house to begin with.
Then I went to collect my DS from a friend's house a few weeks ago, Ahh I thought as I walked in, at last, a house that is the same size as mine......only for the mum to greet me with the news that they are having a 6 metre rear extension and a loft conversion "because the size of this house (the same size as my house) is much too small for a family of 4". Meanwhile I live in my same sized house as a family of 4.
My house measures 18 ft wide by 25 ft deep. That's the whole footprint. My kitchen is tiny. We have no hallway. The 3rd bedroom is a tiny box room measuring 6ft wide by 9 ft.
Our next door neighbour, who we are joined on to, have a humongous rear extension, it's honestly huge, and now they are getting a double story side extension as well because "The kids are both getting bigger now (they're both in KS1 at primary school) so we need more space". They are a family of 4 like us, living in an already extended house making it much bigger than ours, yet they still think their house needs further extension.
A neighbour up the road has had a massive double story side extension to create a 4th bedroom and bigger kitchen.
A mum friend, whose house is way bigger than mine and detached with a huge garden etc., has a kitchen that is not that much bigger than mine, I mean it is about 50% bigger than mine, but not 4 times the size like other friends kitchens are. Yesterday we met up and she announced they're getting a big rear extension because of their "poky little kitchen" which will become a utility room and the 5 metre extension will become their new kitchen. But their 'poky' kitchen is bigger than mine. So why say this to me?
We will never, ever be in the position to extend, or move to a bigger house.
We could have bought a bigger, more spacious house, in a cheaper area. But we put lots of consideration in to location, and decided to buy a small house in a very expensive area that's a wonderful location.
But I didn't expect to get these feelings of unworthiness about how small our house is compared to everyone else's.
If they've all got huge houses or are getting their similar sized homes massively extended, then they must look at us in sympathy, surely? And I hate that thought, i really do.
A very old friend from childhood bought a house the same size as our house, at the same time, in a different area. After 2 years they moved up the ladder and bought a much bigger house. Recently she came round to visit with her kids and asked "Have you got any plans to move to a bigger house?" almost in a feeling sorry for me way. "No" I replied bluntly. I thought "We're struggling enough trying to pay the mortgage on this house! Let alone a bigger mortgage on a bigger house!".
Another old friend from Uni sat on my sofa moaning about the small size of her house and how they're looking to move because they can't cope with the size of their house, she currently lives in a house much bigger than mine, has the same sized family, same age kids, and she sat and moaned about the lack of 5 bedroom detached houses available in her area and how they are going to have to reluctantly settle for a 4 bedroom detached house instead, and she looked really genuinely fed up about it. I was incredulous and thought "How can you sit there moaning about your big house when you are sitting in my house which is half the size of the house you currently live in and are moaning about it being too small?!".
A mum friend came to collect her child from a playdate at our house, I was in the kitchen making her a cup of tea, and she stood in my kitchen and said "How on earth do you manage in such a small kitchen? There's only enough room for 1 person in here!".
Another mum friend came round to see me when I was ill, offered to make me and her a cup of tea, which she did, then gave it to me and said "Actually when I was making our tea I realised that there is actually space to make dinner" I was too ill to respond but I had never, ever mentioned my kitchen to this friend. Never. It was as though she'd been having a conversation in her own head about it, or as though she'd been having a conversation with someone else about my kitchen.
And another mum came round to collect her child from a playdate, and was head swivelling all over the place looking at my home. She didn't say anything. I don't know her well. But I do know that she was staring at every inch of my home in every direction in rather an exaggerated way, and I do know that she lives in a double fronted detached house with multiple rooms.
So all of this makes me feel like crap for underachieving in terms of my affordability to buy a bigger, seemingly thought of by others as what would be thought of as a 'better', house.
Am I going mad to be bothered by living in a small house and interpeting that as feeling bad about myself and feeling bad for my children that I haven't given them a big house to grow up in?
Why am I coming up against such house snobbery from people when they come to my house?
I never mention my house size, or anything about it, to anyone! I don't even comment on it to others!
My children have started making comments about how big their friends houses are when they get invited round to play, in a matter of fact way, but even they are noticing how much bigger other friends houses are compared to ours.

A bigger house means more rooms to heat, to decorate, to furnish. Some people like a bigger house and that's OK. Some people simply like to show off.

Our house isn't particularly big, I'd say it's 'average', but when we bought it we considered mortgage repayments and if we could afford to continue living in the house if a) mortgage rates went up and b) one of us lost our job.

As a result, we're happy with our decision to go with a modest sized house instead of stretching ourselves and going for the maximum sized mortgage for the biggest house.

If I were you, I'd be happy that I'd made the right decision for my family - I bet some of those with the big flashy houses were sweating a bit when the mortgage rates sky rocketed in recent months!

OldPerson · 30/03/2024 19:36

I think it's mostly all in your head.

You judge other parents by how they invest their time and energy in their children, and basics like cleanliness and standards and values.

No one cares about how cramped your house is - they just want to know if their child is safe with you.

If you don't feel you can socialise and interact with these people earning more money than your family - you should probably move to a less affluent area and get a bigger house. And engage more with people you feel are "on your economic level".

But ultimately that's stupid right?

It's not seemingly you don't like the people, it's that you think they look down on you.

But the truth is, if people are going to spend £50K or £100K or more on their homes, they're going to boast about it - but what they're really doing is trying to justify the spend and seek approval/envy from others.

You need to get a grip.

But ultimately you have to decide what you want more - a bigger house or living in an affluent location?

usernamealreadytaken · 30/03/2024 20:10

VenusPlanet · 29/03/2024 11:01

I live in a very middle class area.
But my house is one of the few that are very small. Tiny.
And I feel bad about it in comparison to others in my area that are living in much bigger, much more expensive houses.
It's an awful feeling.
I'm really sociable by nature but I never invite any friends round because all my friends live in big 4 or 5 bedroom detached houses and I'm embarrassed for them to come to mine. I have a mix of my own long term friends, and lots of mum friends who live in my area that I've made friends with from school, and every one of them lives in a large detached home, and lots of them are planning large kitchen extensions with bifolds when their kitchens are already 4 times the size of mine to start with, many of them have lovely loft conversions to create another room with ensuite, and some of them have second homes on top of this too.
My DD has made a new friend, we both got invited round for a playdate, sat in their colossal sized kitchen and the mum told me all about how they'd put a huge extension on the back of their house and created an extra bedroom with en suite in their loft "because the kids are only going to get bigger", but they already had a big house to begin with.
Then I went to collect my DS from a friend's house a few weeks ago, Ahh I thought as I walked in, at last, a house that is the same size as mine......only for the mum to greet me with the news that they are having a 6 metre rear extension and a loft conversion "because the size of this house (the same size as my house) is much too small for a family of 4". Meanwhile I live in my same sized house as a family of 4.
My house measures 18 ft wide by 25 ft deep. That's the whole footprint. My kitchen is tiny. We have no hallway. The 3rd bedroom is a tiny box room measuring 6ft wide by 9 ft.
Our next door neighbour, who we are joined on to, have a humongous rear extension, it's honestly huge, and now they are getting a double story side extension as well because "The kids are both getting bigger now (they're both in KS1 at primary school) so we need more space". They are a family of 4 like us, living in an already extended house making it much bigger than ours, yet they still think their house needs further extension.
A neighbour up the road has had a massive double story side extension to create a 4th bedroom and bigger kitchen.
A mum friend, whose house is way bigger than mine and detached with a huge garden etc., has a kitchen that is not that much bigger than mine, I mean it is about 50% bigger than mine, but not 4 times the size like other friends kitchens are. Yesterday we met up and she announced they're getting a big rear extension because of their "poky little kitchen" which will become a utility room and the 5 metre extension will become their new kitchen. But their 'poky' kitchen is bigger than mine. So why say this to me?
We will never, ever be in the position to extend, or move to a bigger house.
We could have bought a bigger, more spacious house, in a cheaper area. But we put lots of consideration in to location, and decided to buy a small house in a very expensive area that's a wonderful location.
But I didn't expect to get these feelings of unworthiness about how small our house is compared to everyone else's.
If they've all got huge houses or are getting their similar sized homes massively extended, then they must look at us in sympathy, surely? And I hate that thought, i really do.
A very old friend from childhood bought a house the same size as our house, at the same time, in a different area. After 2 years they moved up the ladder and bought a much bigger house. Recently she came round to visit with her kids and asked "Have you got any plans to move to a bigger house?" almost in a feeling sorry for me way. "No" I replied bluntly. I thought "We're struggling enough trying to pay the mortgage on this house! Let alone a bigger mortgage on a bigger house!".
Another old friend from Uni sat on my sofa moaning about the small size of her house and how they're looking to move because they can't cope with the size of their house, she currently lives in a house much bigger than mine, has the same sized family, same age kids, and she sat and moaned about the lack of 5 bedroom detached houses available in her area and how they are going to have to reluctantly settle for a 4 bedroom detached house instead, and she looked really genuinely fed up about it. I was incredulous and thought "How can you sit there moaning about your big house when you are sitting in my house which is half the size of the house you currently live in and are moaning about it being too small?!".
A mum friend came to collect her child from a playdate at our house, I was in the kitchen making her a cup of tea, and she stood in my kitchen and said "How on earth do you manage in such a small kitchen? There's only enough room for 1 person in here!".
Another mum friend came round to see me when I was ill, offered to make me and her a cup of tea, which she did, then gave it to me and said "Actually when I was making our tea I realised that there is actually space to make dinner" I was too ill to respond but I had never, ever mentioned my kitchen to this friend. Never. It was as though she'd been having a conversation in her own head about it, or as though she'd been having a conversation with someone else about my kitchen.
And another mum came round to collect her child from a playdate, and was head swivelling all over the place looking at my home. She didn't say anything. I don't know her well. But I do know that she was staring at every inch of my home in every direction in rather an exaggerated way, and I do know that she lives in a double fronted detached house with multiple rooms.
So all of this makes me feel like crap for underachieving in terms of my affordability to buy a bigger, seemingly thought of by others as what would be thought of as a 'better', house.
Am I going mad to be bothered by living in a small house and interpeting that as feeling bad about myself and feeling bad for my children that I haven't given them a big house to grow up in?
Why am I coming up against such house snobbery from people when they come to my house?
I never mention my house size, or anything about it, to anyone! I don't even comment on it to others!
My children have started making comments about how big their friends houses are when they get invited round to play, in a matter of fact way, but even they are noticing how much bigger other friends houses are compared to ours.

HRTFT. Comparison is the thief of joy x

NoBunnyHome · 30/03/2024 20:14

The OP's post was quite long enough without everyone quoting it 😂

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 30/03/2024 20:15

We are similar. Went to the top end of our budget in a really lovely area and compromised by buying a smaller house than we would have further out of the location we wanted.

I love it. Vacuumed in 10 mins. Heats up fast. Quick to clean. I can keep an eye on DC from basically anywhere in it.

Yes, it's small. But our lifestyle is what's important. We are 2 minutes walk from things important to us. We have a lovely garden with our little house. We're 5 minutes drive from DHs family. We are within walking distance of excellent schools. Great transport links. I can get to the office in 10 minutes, and drop off/pick up DC from nursery en route.

Stop worrying about the size of people's (and your) houses and worry about whether your life is what you want it to be. If it is, you have no problem.

Havinganamechange · 30/03/2024 20:24

I don’t know why you are comparing. Comparison is the thief of joy. Enjoy what you have and stop worrying about what others are doing; they all sound like a load of snobs to me.