AIBU to ignore the "honeymoon registry"

[NotAHappyBunnyHugger]

School friend is getting married this autumn. We are now in our mid-20s.
My partner and I are invited to the evening do, which starts at half 5. On the invitation and wedding website, there is no mention of an evening meal, just cake and welcome drinks, then a cash bar.

In the envelope with the invitation, they have included a card asking people to contribute money towards their honeymoon rather than giving physical gifts. I resent this a bit, when I'm paying for transport, accommodation, and a new outfit to fit the wedding's "theme", and not even getting an evening meal when I'm there. It feels a bit cheap.

I had already bought the couple a gift (a household item, but a really nice version that's handmade in the city I live in), but now I don't even want to give them that! The whole thing reminds me of kids at school who'd invite the whole class to their birthday party to get more presents.

I haven't been to any weddings before. Is this just normal? My partner and I are getting married in a couple of months and we've been careful to only invite the number of people we can afford to host properly (i.e. with plenty of food and booze). We wouldn't dream of asking our friends to pay for our holiday!

YABU - honeymoon registries are normal and acceptable. Get with it

YANBU - asking for gifts is tacky. People should pay for their own holidays

Nobody goes to "countless weddings annually".

The most weddings I've ever been to in one year is four, and that was when my husband and I and all of our friends were peak wedding age. We're now 38 and haven't been invited to a wedding for the last 3 years because all of our friends are already married or unlikely to get married now.

Why don't you just admit that your knowledge is out of date and admit defeat with a good grace?

They’re not necessarily of the same class - a culturally in France, Italy and India not charging for alcohol is nothing to do with class. Hindu weddings don’t necessarily have alcohol anyway.

Yes but we are talking about the UK.

Why don’t you just accept that people are different and have different life experiences and your small corner of the world is not the totality? The most weddings I went to in a year was 15, so that gives you an index. I went to 3 last year and I’ve got another 3 coming up this year.

Indeed why not accept that other people have different views on hospitality and that browbeating me is not going to change my opinion?

You are.

This is a thread about a wedding in the UK, which digressed into a discussion about certain aspects of wedding culture including having a paid bar at weddings, and you have repeatedly denied that having a paid bar is normal at a wedding in the UK, despite the many other people telling you that it is, and that your experience is unusual.

I simply do not believe that you are going to all these weddings in the UK, including in recent years, and have never seen a paid bar.

It's established that Mirabai doesn't think a temporary drinks station, as opposed to a built-in one, where you can order and receive drinks, is a bar. It's just a catered drinks area. I think that's really the root of it. It is in fact "cringe" to refer to it as a bar, for reasons unknown, but I suspect that's what everyone calls it when trying to locate it.

Having established that in the UK, cash bars are totally normal, acceptable and expected by venues, one has to wonder why someone who prides themselves on going to 98 weddings every week and being extremely hospitable, well mannered and, let's be honest, middle class about it wouldn't be interested to learn that and keen to absorb such useful information. Why would they instead spend two days complaining about how crass and gauche it is? Even if you come from a culture where cash bars are a no no, why would you be so angry and resistant to learning that in Britain, they're fine? If you're so worldly and cosmopolitan?

I was only ever talking about the UK as I repeatedly said. I make zero claims for the acceptability or normality or neither of a cash bar anywhere else. It is irrelevant to the discussion.

I’m aware of the subject of the thread without humourless disquisition. The subject U.K. weddings has digressed to cover what is customary in other countries including your DH’s for comparison.

I couldn’t give a toss whether you believe me or not. I’ve even detailed the 3 I went to last year. Of course it makes a difference if you are better off but that is not of direct relevance to the principle of hospitality and wealth or lack does not affect the principle in other countries.

So your financial situation has no bearing on whether you can afford to write a blank cheque for the bar tab at your wedding?

Ok then.

I'm starting to wonder if the reason Mirabai thinks she's never seen a cash bar is because she's always assumed there isn't one, so she's never made any move to pay for a drink and has just been taking them off the table or bar whenever she fancied.

Over the course of hundreds of weddings, how many accidentally swiped drinks is that and how many bemused guests?

@NonPlayerCharacter

We’ve established that wedding venues push cash bars - for their own commercial ends. That is not the same thing as the practice being seen as universally socially acceptable and desirable - a quick Google or perusal of other MN wedding madness threads would quickly show that is not the case.

On that basis I’d say people are being pushed into the practice by venues, some may be fine with, but some would have chosen against if there was an alternative like @MissScarletInTheBallroom who had her wedding abroad precisely as a result.

I was well aware of the practice before the thread, so I’m not sure why you think I’ve “learnt” it’s a thing? When did I ever say it wasn’t?

Either way, what you and I regard as “fine” is different - how about accepting that?

Not in other countries. They simply cut their garment according to their cloth. An Italian wedding reception might be held outside in Nonna’s orchard with freeflowing food and wine but eschewing 10 bridesmaids.

You can control the total alcohol provision and budget per head.

Loving the last line in light of your earlier posts complaining that cash bars are bad manners, bad hospitality, British as an insult and anyone who does them must also make bridesmaids buy their own dresses and whatever other rubbish you made up to denigrate them and insult anyone who has one.

And nobody said anything about universally acceptable, just very widely acceptable and normal in Britain, because they are.

But why are we even debating this with a woman who doesn't even know what a bar is?

Can we get back to talking about the UK please?

Assuming you don't have a convenient "Nonna's orchard" in which to hold your wedding and need to hire a venue like most of the rest of us mere mortals. And you don't live in or have any connections to other countries, which means getting married in one would mean you were having a "destination wedding", which is also a pet hate of many Mumsnetters.

So you are having your wedding in the UK and you have a set budget. Money is tight and you can't afford to go over budget by £3000, or even £300.

Your wedding package includes a glass of fizz on arrival, half a bottle of wine per person on the tables and another glass of fizz for the toasts. You put another £1000 behind the bar for after dinner drinks.

What happens when it's gone?

Do you:

1. Have a cash bar where people buy their own drinks?

or

1. Not let people have any more drinks even if it is only 8pm?

As I said, widely practiced and widely acceptable is not quite the same.

I’ve said all the way through the thread I don’t think it’s fine. I’ve never disputed people think it’s fine, I know you do. I’ve never tried to force you to change your view, merely explained mine. So why not just accept that difference as I said?

No idea what “British as an insult” is supposed to refer to. I’m British.

I'm bored of your dishonest posts, you aren't fooling anyone. What's your answer to @MissScarletInTheBallroom ?

@MissScarletInTheBallroom

Nonna’s orchard was on a farm. Most people know someone with a garden.

I’d say you can’t afford that wedding. I’d say if money is tight, don’t blow it all on a wedding. Take an easy way out - invite your closest friends and family to a restaurant. Have a summer barbecue in the garden. I’ve been to loads of very small weddings. One of the best weddings I went to was just tea - a very lavish tea but - tea, coffee, sandwiches, cake, patisseries, no alcohol at all.

I feel the same, so we’ll end our discussion here.

Right. So only people with loads of money or convenient orchards huge gardens can afford to get married then.

Jeez.

That’s rather the opposite of the point. Who said you have to provide any of your list? Everyone has to cut their coat according to their cloth. Some of the best weddings I’ve been to have been either small; or large but quite simple, the more the merrier type. They didn’t charge their guests nonetheless.

But what if people don't want to celebrate their wedding with a tea party in their flat for ten people with no alcohol involved (most people I know live in flats, not houses, and don't even have a patio, much less an orchard) but would rather have an actual party with all their family and close friends there and some alcohol involved?

Tough shit because having a cash bar like almost everyone does these days means they can't afford it, apparently.

So do that then, but just don’t cut it as tight as you were suggesting, because a wedding isn’t worth it. Invite your friends and family round, order some alcohol, you don’t even need a cash bar. If their money is tight too they’ll appreciate not being forced to pay for their drinks.

Invite your friends and family round...to your home...to celebrate your wedding?

Do you have any idea how big most millennials' homes are? Mine is barely big enough to host five children for my toddler's birthday party.

Honestly, your posts are just dripping with unexamined privilege.

Most people do not live in massive houses which are just perfect for hosting parties, or have large gardens in which a marquee can be erected. (When planning my wedding I was quoted £3-5k for just a marquee, by the way.) They do not have Nonnas with orchards. They do not own fields, or barns, or have close friends or family who own convenient (and clean) fields or barns. And they also do not have a flexible enough wedding budget to pay off an unknown bar tab the morning after their wedding.

Those people are allowed to get married at a wedding venue in the presence of a decent number of their friends and family too. This is not the preserve of the rich. And if they have a cash bar after the wedding breakfast because it's the only way to cap the cost of their wedding to an amount they can afford whilst also allowing people who want to have a drink to be served a bloody drink, that's fine. The vast majority of their guests are not going to bat an eyelid at this, and those who do will typically be people with very little understanding of what the wedding industry in the UK is actually like these days.

My wedding, 25 years ago, we provided house wine, beer and soft drinks. Anything else, was pay.

We registered, and had an evening buffet (which, as it was vegetarian, some people refused to eat 🤣🤣), and invited evening only guests.