AIBU to ignore the "honeymoon registry"

[NotAHappyBunnyHugger]

School friend is getting married this autumn. We are now in our mid-20s.
My partner and I are invited to the evening do, which starts at half 5. On the invitation and wedding website, there is no mention of an evening meal, just cake and welcome drinks, then a cash bar.

In the envelope with the invitation, they have included a card asking people to contribute money towards their honeymoon rather than giving physical gifts. I resent this a bit, when I'm paying for transport, accommodation, and a new outfit to fit the wedding's "theme", and not even getting an evening meal when I'm there. It feels a bit cheap.

I had already bought the couple a gift (a household item, but a really nice version that's handmade in the city I live in), but now I don't even want to give them that! The whole thing reminds me of kids at school who'd invite the whole class to their birthday party to get more presents.

I haven't been to any weddings before. Is this just normal? My partner and I are getting married in a couple of months and we've been careful to only invite the number of people we can afford to host properly (i.e. with plenty of food and booze). We wouldn't dream of asking our friends to pay for our holiday!

YABU - honeymoon registries are normal and acceptable. Get with it

YANBU - asking for gifts is tacky. People should pay for their own holidays

Nobody is obliged to stay anywhere. If they allow themselves to feel obliged to that's up to them. It makes sense for the couple to book all the rooms so their guests have first dibs on them over random other people at a discounted rate. We've always stayed at the venue when it was an option because we wanted to.

If the rooms go unsold it is an extra cost the couple have to cover. That is not the same as charging their guests for their wedding.

If you read threads on here it is clear that some if not many people feel coerced into paying for rooms at the venue because bridezilla has a fit that she can’t afford to pay for the rooms if they don’t. You can make disingenuous platitudes about no-one being obliged but when someone is pressured into it with the threat of bridezilla kicking off and family fallout they comply. They shouldn’t, I wouldn’t, but they do.

If couples only booked wedding packages they could actually afford there wouldn’t be a problem, then guests really would have a free choice.

How about if the couple get coerced into an open bar that they can't afford?

I think it's normal to prefer money nowadays as most people already live together first. But I'm engaged and don't think I'd ask for money on the invitations. I'll just spread that info through word of mouth.

No-one needs to have an open bar.

But I thought cash bars were incredibly rude, inhospitable and unacceptable?

There's no winning with a wedding venue like a hotel though. If the couple don't book all the rooms then lots of their guests who want to stay there might not be able to due to randoms taking them and even those who manage to get one one get the advantage of a discounted rate. So you're running the risk of pissing all of them off. I'd be in that camp of guest.

Or you book them all and hope enough of your guests want them.

It's still nothing to do with the wedding you can afford or not.

Really this again? You could just read my previous posts.

I did, that's how I know what you think of them. And really wasn't expecting you to say nobody needs an open bar, after what you had to say about cash ones!

I am being a little facetious, I admit. But if you have such strong feelings about cash bars, to the point where you think they are terrible manners, terrible hospitality, mercenary, absolutely unacceptable... Well, that point about coercing people into things they can't afford cuts both ways.

No-one is forcing you to get married in a hotel. I’d avoid it personally.

I thinks there’s a compromise to be had which is a hotel that isn’t too expensive (but then the venue may not be so nice or food not good), or put feelers out - what is the rough uptake of hotel rooms at x price - so you know people are happy to stay and comfortable with the cost.

The problem comes when family/friends are forced to fork out £500 a night for a hotel room when they’d rather book an Airbnb for much less but declining would upset the bride.

If you read my posts that you don’t need to have a bar at all. Open/closed - that solves the problem.

I'm amazed that you think people being forced to pay £500 for one night in a room at the wedding venue is a common occurrence but a cash bar isn't.

What a shit solution!

I’ve no idea how common it is, it’s quite a common complaint on here.

As is being invited to evening do only with no buffet and having to pay for their own drinks.

If you've been to hundreds of weddings I'd have thought you'd have a pretty good idea of how common it is.

You obliged to provide drinks for your guests at your event, you’re not obliged to provide a bar with spirits either open or cash.

That's simply not true, most hotels offer a discounted rate to the wedding party but they're under no obligation to use them. Given that you've never actually had experience of this and your only source of information is mumsnet, I think we'll take your opinion with a pinch of salt.

No-one I know has ever had the poor taste to pull that one on their guests. If it’s been a country or foreign wedding we’ve been given lists of accommodation. I can’t speak for what they ask of their families.

I know other people in real life who’ve complained of this but I’ve not asked for the details that posters have gone into on here. And thinking about I know people who have considered venues that do this but declined them.

Wedding packages that include x number of rooms, if the guests don’t pay the couple have to cover the costs - as poster above said. Now there may be hotels which just offer a discounted rate to any wedding guest who wants to stay with no obligation on the couple - but that’s a different issue.

Well now you're really tying yourself in knots or entirely missing where and when a cash bar appears.

Absolutely standard wedding is to provide drinks on arrival, wine on the table and something sparkling for toasts.

Paid bar will be available throughout for anyone who wants to drink something other than what is offered and then if they want to drink further after the meal and speeches.

So you don't think there should be a cash bar, but there shouldn't be a bar at all, and you don't need to provide spirits. So you're saying it is good hosting to limit the type of drinks available throughout the event? Restricting choices is rarely seen as a positive.

And nobody should get married in a big hotel unless they can afford to pay for every room? Or are they allowed to do so but not book any rooms so as not to get the discount?

Thanks for that.....

@DappledThings Rather than rehashing the same tedious discussion that has already been had, just read my previous posts. I’m not going through it again.

Well this is the first time you've confirmed you think the B&G should be policing what type of drinks people are allowed.

You also haven't confirmed you understand that a cash bar is on top of all the other drinks usually provided, it isn't the only option.

And you're not obliged to stay at a hotel you can't afford in order to attend. See what I mean? If you're going to do the "not obliged but coercion" thing, that also applies to telling people how rude and ill mannered and shit a cash bar would be and they probably made the bridesmaids buy their own dresses too and and and...

Seriously, no bar at all is better than giving guests the option to buy drinks after dinner? That really is crap!

If you’re not aware that some venue packages include accommodation for anything between 5-50 etc which the couple have to pay for whether used or not, feel free to check it out.