AIBU to ignore the "honeymoon registry"

[NotAHappyBunnyHugger]

School friend is getting married this autumn. We are now in our mid-20s.
My partner and I are invited to the evening do, which starts at half 5. On the invitation and wedding website, there is no mention of an evening meal, just cake and welcome drinks, then a cash bar.

In the envelope with the invitation, they have included a card asking people to contribute money towards their honeymoon rather than giving physical gifts. I resent this a bit, when I'm paying for transport, accommodation, and a new outfit to fit the wedding's "theme", and not even getting an evening meal when I'm there. It feels a bit cheap.

I had already bought the couple a gift (a household item, but a really nice version that's handmade in the city I live in), but now I don't even want to give them that! The whole thing reminds me of kids at school who'd invite the whole class to their birthday party to get more presents.

I haven't been to any weddings before. Is this just normal? My partner and I are getting married in a couple of months and we've been careful to only invite the number of people we can afford to host properly (i.e. with plenty of food and booze). We wouldn't dream of asking our friends to pay for our holiday!

YABU - honeymoon registries are normal and acceptable. Get with it

YANBU - asking for gifts is tacky. People should pay for their own holidays

Correct. And if you can’t afford to provide food and drink for your guests then have a smaller wedding or a different kind.

What you mean is that what I describe is outside your experience. That’s fine. But I’m 53 and I’ve been to weddings in the 100s.

Correct. And if you can’t afford to provide food and drink for your guests then have a smaller wedding or a different kind.
And you can continue to be offended by a paid bar if you really want to or you could accept that after you've provided welcome drinks, wine on the table and champagne or similar for toasts then a paid bar is entirely acceptable to nearly everyone. A paid bar in the evening isn't being unable to afford food and drink, it's affording what is expected to be provided.

I've been to a couple of weddings with a free bar. It was an unexpected bonus, nothing more or less than that.

No, I meant what I said, what you describe does not represent reality for the majority of people, or British culture. Its no more gauche than being at an Indian wedding where guests are expected to part with hundreds of pounds as a 'gift' for the couple and their family. You're views are snobbish and verging on xenophobic.

Nearly everyone you know.

You can provide a variety of drinks including non alcoholic, but you’re not obliged to provide spirits.

Yes the drinks are laid out or the staff lay them out/serve them as needed.

Sure. And I know a lot of people from various strata of society. Not upper class, as I already cheerfully said. And no desire to! But the briefest of glimpses at any wedding advice website will also say cash bar in the UK is fine.

No point arguing anymore. You can choose to carry on being offended by it. I'll carry on enjoying all the weddings I've been invited to. Cash bars and honeymoon contributions included.

😂

Unless you know all 60 million U.K. citizens we can’t say which practice is more common. Charging for drinks has definitely become more common as more and more people aspire to weddings they can’t afford and expect their friends and family to pay for it.

At any wedding there’s the expectation a guest will give a reasonable gift. If you’re referring to the practice of giving cash to the parents at Indian weddings, that’s a cultural custom based on the understanding that they will have given cash to the parents at the weddings they’ve been to - it’s reciprocal.

I’m a mix of British, French, Indian and Russian, so the xenophobia comment is amusing.

As if I’m going to take etiquette advice from a wedding website.

I’ve no doubt people will continue to charge for drinks, to charge bridemaids for their own clothes and sending out invitations with silver bells and poems on. We can certainly agree on that.

Free. Of. Charge.

Charging bridesmaids for their own dresses is entirely different and is unacceptable. Charging a bridesmaid for her own dress but having a free bar is standard for US. Paying for the bridesmaids dresses but having a cash bar is standard UK.

Not sure what the issue with silver bells is. Are they meant to be tacky?

I do enjoy when the Lady Bracknells of MN descend to dispense their judgements and wind everyone up. I suspect they have a rota

Beggin' yer pardon, but peasants and hoi polloi need to get married too, m'lady <<doffs cap>>

Indeed and it’s sometimes people with the least money who are the best and most generous hosts.

This sort of set up was not allowed at any of the wedding venues I looked at in the UK. I know because half my guests were from a country where it is unheard of to have a cash bar at a wedding so paying for all our guests' drinks was non negotiable for us. But every wedding venue just assumed there would be some sort of cash bar and didn't allow alternative options. There was the big country house which proudly announced no corkage on their website, but it turned out that that was just for the table wine and any drinks served after dinner had to be provided through the in house caterers with a cash bar. There was the outdoor activity centre where the cash bar prices were actually very reasonable but the owner informed us that if he found any evidence that any of our camping guests had brought their own alcohol onto the premises we'd be charged for it. (£100 for an empty spirits bottle, apparently.)

In the end we just gave up on UK venues.

So, you know very little about the UK culture? That's ok! In future, just don't assume that everyone is as privileged or 'sophisticated' as you. Yes, cultural custom. Same as having a bar at your wedding reception, perfectly normal and culturally acceptable. It's you that's in the wrong here, and you're just digging yourself in deeper now.

I don't understand the issue with asking for contributions to the honeymoon. Just give them whatever you were planning on spending on a gift. Surely it's better than getting something they don't want and won't use?
If you don't feel like you're getting your money's worth in going, then don't go. Nobody is forcing you.

I'm not sure you understand the concept of a paid bar at a wedding venue, the bride and groom haven't bought all the alcohol and then sell it on to their guests 🤣 you're hilarious, you really are.

I’m British. Lifelong Londoner. I just have a mixed heritage and thus accusing me of xenophobia is funny. I’m so over the bar talk now, I’ve said my piece.

That’s fair enough, I didn’t encounter that kind of problem. The way round it if you really can’t find anywhere near you is a marquee or barn or any space that doesn’t have a bar and you can hire your own caterers.

The thing is that unless you happen to know someone who owns a convenient barn or a field, these barns are really just wedding venues like any other wedding venues, with all the same set ups and all the same techniques for making as much profit as possible, just less well insulated against cold weather.

There are plenty of houses and other venues that will let you have your own caterers or don’t have a cash bar.

If you look at smaller family owned non corporate venues they’re generally more flexible, and plenty of smaller houses allow marquees in the grounds.

Well I honestly don't know where you find these small places (unless you mean places which are too small for 120 people, which was the size of our wedding) because I feel like I went through every wedding venue in the area with a fine tooth comb. We didn't even have a particular type of wedding venue in mind, we really just wanted somewhere which could accommodate all our guests and where we could cover the cost of all the drinks without having what was basically a cash bar but with us paying the (unknown) bar tab at the end.

I knew that a cash bar was absolutely standard these days for UK weddings. But until I actually tried to plan a wedding in the UK I had no idea how difficult it actually is to avoid. It was eye opening.