AIBU to ignore the "honeymoon registry"

[NotAHappyBunnyHugger]

School friend is getting married this autumn. We are now in our mid-20s.
My partner and I are invited to the evening do, which starts at half 5. On the invitation and wedding website, there is no mention of an evening meal, just cake and welcome drinks, then a cash bar.

In the envelope with the invitation, they have included a card asking people to contribute money towards their honeymoon rather than giving physical gifts. I resent this a bit, when I'm paying for transport, accommodation, and a new outfit to fit the wedding's "theme", and not even getting an evening meal when I'm there. It feels a bit cheap.

I had already bought the couple a gift (a household item, but a really nice version that's handmade in the city I live in), but now I don't even want to give them that! The whole thing reminds me of kids at school who'd invite the whole class to their birthday party to get more presents.

I haven't been to any weddings before. Is this just normal? My partner and I are getting married in a couple of months and we've been careful to only invite the number of people we can afford to host properly (i.e. with plenty of food and booze). We wouldn't dream of asking our friends to pay for our holiday!

YABU - honeymoon registries are normal and acceptable. Get with it

YANBU - asking for gifts is tacky. People should pay for their own holidays

she won’t give a hoot if you come or not if only invited for evening cake!

and you clearly aren’t remotely keen on now attending

so just say thanks but no thanks and i doubt she’ll even blink

I resent this a bit, when I'm paying for transport, accommodation, and a new outfit to fit the wedding's "theme". plus a gift

seriously op. for an evening invite only?

It's completely normal, yes. Could you return the present you've already bought, or does it not work that way with it being handmade?

Yes its normal to get a gift when invited to the evening reception. But smaller than if invited all day.

Yes honeymoon contributions are normal gifts these days. Moat people don't need household items.

You don't have to go if you don't want to. People attend weddings as they want to celebrate.

I’m on the fence here. We invited everyone to everything but have never resented an evening invitation. We had a registry and whilst we were very grateful for the things that weren’t on it most of them have, if I’m being brutal, had far less daily use than the things we had on the registry…also ours had items for £3 up on it so we hoped to cater to all budgets. So I think what you have is well within the bounds of normal but I can see why you’re a bit miffed.

Ooh yeah, missed that. Themed outfits? That'd be a no from me!

So you want to give them a gift but not the one they want but something that will probably end up in the charity shop? Sounds bonkers to me.

I think people do this to avoid being given gifts of the kind you’ve bought, to be totally honest. If there’s no buffet I’d resent going at all though. Not feeding people definitely isn’t normal.

I don’t think I’d be keen on travelling, paying for accommodation and a new outfit, for a glass of wine and a piece of cake.

I’d send a Moonpig card and bottle and decline the invitation.

Completely normal. But I think you’ve gone to far too much trouble to attend the evening. It’s a perfectly acceptable way of including second-tier guests, but no one expects you to travel far, but a themed outfit or stay overnight! Just don’t go.

I wouldn’t go. This happened once to me I was invited to a short ceremony, then one other guest and I were asked to return for the evening party. Basically everyone else had lunch whilst we left hanging around for 4 hours. I’m such a mug to not work it out!
Some people take the piss.

You aren’t obligated to give a gift particularly one off a list. Go if you want and don’t give a gift, or because of your level of invite gift a more appropriate level of gift- a photo album or frame. Or if you are happy giving the personalised gift still give that. It’s really up to you. Just because someone asks for cash doesn’t mean you have to hand it over

It’s normal. If you like your friends presumably you want to get them something they want.

but it sounds like you don’t like them much so do yourselves all a favour and don’t go

and keep your engraved cheeseboard or whatever tat you have for yourself

You don’t need to contribute money, they are suggesting it so they don’t get multiples of the same thing.
I also invited people to the evening reception and not the full day. Paying for the full day including meal was expensive so I had a small wedding ceremony and meal and then invited a lot of friends for the evening as the cost was a lot cheaper. I’ve regularly been invited to only the evening reception and it doesn’t bother me.

If you don’t want to give a gift then you can just drop a card in the wedding post box. Since they’ve said no gifts then there will unlikely be a gift table anyway.

They're just trying to avoid getting loads of carefully chosen handmade gifts they have no use for. Some people will want to take a token gift to an evening do as a way of wishing them well on their marriage. If you don't, just take a card, no one will notice or care.

I wouldn't go to all your other expense for an evening do either. I'd just treat it like a regular Saturday night out and wear something I have. I might book a hotel if it was going to be a fun night with people I know and like, but if it's not that for you, don't go.

Yes, this is what it comes down to.

I appreciate that in this case it's a bit more complex because you'd already bought them a present in good faith. But people increasingly live together before they get married and have the useful household items already. Plus young couples often don't have that much space for storing whatever things people get them.

The cash thing has long been common in cultures outside the UK, and increasingly it's going that way here too, because it's just more practical.

Asking for financial contribution to the honeymoon rather than a physical gift is perfectly normal, yes!
(I just think it's expected that you'd give less than a close family member or close friend that was attending the entire wedding.)

I suppose its a bit strange though that you're heading all the way there from 5pm for the evening if there's no food. I imagine there will be an informal buffet style thing? They can't literally just give people cake from 5pm..? I would ask your friend OP, just to check whether there will be food or whether you need to eat beforehand!

Also, its bonkers to me that you've already bought the gift for a wedding that's taking place in autumn, and before you even got the invite!

I am planning to go because I can make a weekend of it with some other school friends who I haven't seen in a while. Otherwise I definitely wouldn't be bothering.

I'll need to bring some snacks though!

That's not what it is though, it's a party to celebrate a friend's wedding.

I went to one recently and had the best evening. Lots of happy people genuinely pleased for a lovely couple, lots of laughter and dancing. I put £20 in a card, wore a dress I already had and dug out my last remaining pair of heels

It didn't cost me any more than numerous other Saturday nights.

And you can give a small amount of money. I know in the past I’ve been only able to give very small sums towards honeymoon expenses.

ok so you accept that in reality… you aren’t. othered about actually attending aside from seeing other friends

and given you’re only invited to evening do cake… she’s not bothered about you going

so in your shoes… i would not have gone and got a handmade gift. You aren’t close and very likely will end up in charity shop. Instead i would have donated £20 to the honeymoon registry. job done

I wouldn’t buy a new outfit for this. I’d just recycle an old outfit and probably buy some cheapo earrings on the theme.

Just buy a token gift like a frame or a card to wish them well. Keep the other gift for yourself…if you don’t want it you probably shouldn’t have bought it for someone else!!!

You sound like you aren't there to celebrate with the couple, but to catch up with othe school friends. You don't sound very nice tbh

And, whole class parties aren't for the presents. They are so every child is included...

The whole thing reminds me of kids at school who'd invite the whole class to their birthday party to get more presents.

sometimes an Op makes a throwaway comment that tells one a great deal about the OP

Pay no attention to this snide comment, OP. you obviously are fond enough of the bride to buy a personalised gift, and she of you to include you in her celebration.

I hope you have a lovely time, double check the food situation or eat before you go.