To think mum should care about my big birthday?

[KeenGoldCat]

I have a big birthday coming up soon. It's just DH and I and we're going away for it for a few days, and I'm also getting together with a few friends for a night out. Great, looking forward to it.

What bothers me is my mum and her total lack of interest in or acknowledgement of it.

Most (all) people in my life have said something along the lines of "Ooh its the big one for you this year!" Many have asked what I'm doing. Dad has checked the dates of our trip so he can make sure I'm in to receive his gift. My in laws have asked when I'm free to go to theirs for lunch. But from mum.....nothing.

She's not acknowledged that it's happening, hasn't asked about my plans, hasn't asked when she can see me.

We have a good relationship and I went to great lengths and expense for her recent big birthday and her last one 10 years ago. She definitely expected this from me, so there is an expectation on her part, which she doesn't reciprocate. She was similarly uninterested in my last big birthday.

I don't expect much, and certainly nothing that costs, but I do expect a question about how I'm spending the day, or a question about when I'm free to visit her so she can make me a nice lunch (she likes to cook).

AIBU in wanting her to give some indication that she gives a shit?

I have had exactly the same issue with my mum in the past. Lots of expectation about how we should treat her on her big birthdays and then the complete opposite on mine.

It is really hurtful and I have had to work really hard at focusing on ignoring it and noticing all the other lovely people and things in my life.

Have also made a promise to myself not to behave like that towards my daughters.

Hope you have a great birthday!

I don't think you are being unreasonable- you say you have a good relationship so don't let this ruin it. Maybe she doesn't personally have strong feelings about birthdays or maybe she doesn't want to acknowledge that she herself is getting older. If I were you I would whinge gently to a sibling who was likely to pass the message on that this is important to you 😂 happy birthday OP!

Thank you. It's so strange and hurtful isn't it. Good to hear I'm not alone.

Do you have another sibling that takes the spotlight, OP? I've seen this happen in families where the world revolves around one sibling and nobody else gets a look in.

Happy birthday to you!

Sounds strange, but does she know? My mum didn't realise it was my 40th 😂

I would stop making effort for all her birthdays, even big ones. A basic card and flowers/box of chocolates.

Why is she so entitled?

Stop doing anything for her. What a bad mother she is, she clearly knows your birthday and gets some weird kick out of it to hurt you.

Yes. Mum has always played my sister and I off against eachother. I used to be the favourite (which I hated and didn't encourage), but I think my life now looks a bit too comfortable for her liking ("easy" in her words, as she won't acknowledge the hard work that has gone into it), and it's flipped. So I'm always told how lovely my sister's food is, how nice she looked last time mum saw her etc

Maybe she has other stuff going on in her life that she hasn't shared with you. If you normally have a good relationship, I'd suspect she has her hands full.

Or maybe she doesn't think adult birthdays are that important.

She's not a bad mother. She loves me to death and has always been very dedicated. She raised us alone.
But yes, there is something very pointed about the lengths she goes to to make sure she never celebrates me.

perhaps it makes her feel her age?

I have to say, I'm so hurt about this that I just slung the most basic mothers day card in the post, with pretty much "To mum, from KeenGoldCat"!

I think you should gently confront it. It doesnt have to be a big scary conversation. But just a simple "you haven't asked me about my birthday...I'm going to X! I can't believe it, I'm going away with DH. I'm doing X with friends. It will be nice."

Just chuck it into conversation that you've noticed she hasn't mentioned it.

No, she truly doesn't have anything else going on that I'm not aware of.
And I wouldn't mind if she didn't care at all about adult birthdays, but she DOES expect a huge fuss for hers.

She loves me to death and has always been very dedicated. She raised us alone.

You admit she loves you and is “very dedicated” so I suggest you grow up and stop acting like a spoilt child.

Big birthday this year for me and my mum is a bit surprised that she has a daughter this age! Must feel strange!

Erm, OK

It must yes, especially as I'm the youngest.

Is she single?

You make a fuss of hers because there’s no one else to do it. It’s you and your sibs responsibility.

Your partner should organise the fuss about yours.

DM doesn’t do much for DSis’ birthdays- DSis has week long extravaganza with friends and family. Mum’s contribution is missed by Sis but mum’s approach is that it will barely be noticed or make an impact. And DM likes to make an impact while making no effort

DM goes on about no one making enough fuss of her, now dad is dead, and constantly looks at what various friends have. Nothing would be enough, to be honest.

People are complicated.

Honestly, I'd rather just post on Mumsnet and then bury my feelings 😅

My mum doesn't make a thing of big birthdays either. However, she also doesn't expect a fuss to be made of her own.

Could she have planned a surprise for you OP?

Good! Do this for all birthdays too. Just match her effort, no more.

Not everyone is into birthdays. Honestly this "big birthday" lark is beginning to do my head in. Your mum knows you are going away for your birthday, so you are busy. Why would she then ask to see you then?

She doesn't know we're going away - like I say, she hasn't asked. She doesn't know anything about it - I could be working that day for all she knows.