To think mum should care about my big birthday?

[KeenGoldCat]

I have a big birthday coming up soon. It's just DH and I and we're going away for it for a few days, and I'm also getting together with a few friends for a night out. Great, looking forward to it.

What bothers me is my mum and her total lack of interest in or acknowledgement of it.

Most (all) people in my life have said something along the lines of "Ooh its the big one for you this year!" Many have asked what I'm doing. Dad has checked the dates of our trip so he can make sure I'm in to receive his gift. My in laws have asked when I'm free to go to theirs for lunch. But from mum.....nothing.

She's not acknowledged that it's happening, hasn't asked about my plans, hasn't asked when she can see me.

We have a good relationship and I went to great lengths and expense for her recent big birthday and her last one 10 years ago. She definitely expected this from me, so there is an expectation on her part, which she doesn't reciprocate. She was similarly uninterested in my last big birthday.

I don't expect much, and certainly nothing that costs, but I do expect a question about how I'm spending the day, or a question about when I'm free to visit her so she can make me a nice lunch (she likes to cook).

AIBU in wanting her to give some indication that she gives a shit?

No definitely not, and like I say, I'm not expecting anything like that. But a "Have you and DH got any plans for your birthday?" might be nice.

Does she know it bothers you?
Maybe it's just her? 🤷🏼‍♀️

I wonder whether her youngest child turning 50 has stirred up thoughts of her own mortality and age. Thus she's ignored it.

Or she's a bit werid and doesn't want to make a fuss for some reason

Yes, lifelong single so I expect this plays a big part. DH is there to make a fuss of me, mum expects me to make a fuss of her I guess.
However, she doesn't expect it from my sister. And I do think it's unkind to show a total lack of interest in me, when I go to a massive effort for her.
I don't think the dynamic should be that I make a huge fuss of mum and in return I get ignored.

No it shouldn't be like that at all. I don't think I could stop myself from saying something like, 'Not being funny, but I find it odd that you've not said anything about it being my 40th/50th coming up?'

My mum made my last big birthday all about her. I took the family out to dinner. My daughter organised a beautiful cake and my son invited us back to his flat for drinks after and some games. Mum argued with everyone at the meal, was incredibly sulky and aggressive and made my (pregnant) daughter cry and refused to go to my son's and made a huge fuss. It wasn't about her and she couldn't stand that.
Since then I detached emotionally from her and her games. It helps not to care.

My mum was the same with my 40th. Barely asked about it, then last minute asked if I was free to do something, think like a spa treatment which I'm not keen on, but she wanted to do and insisted that she'd pay and that was my birthday gift. Probably cost me more in petrol! She wanted us to go to a particular place not local, which meant a very un-relaxing long drive for me as for some reason although she can and does drive, acts as if she can't and makes me do it, so because I avoid conflict with her I agreed. On the way there, chunnered on all about herself and her work, didn't ask a thing about me. Then suddenly just as we arrived, decided to tell me something sad that affected our family. The news could have waited a few days, or she could have told me prior to my birthday. She even said 'I was going to tell you last week, but thought I'd wait' so she's fully aware of what she's doing. Anyway for whatever reason, she decided to tell me then, and thus my 40th became all about her big emotions and sadness. Then the drive back was me just comforting her whilst also feeling sad. I think it may be a narc thing, she just couldn't let me enjoy the day without attention being on her. I've been low contact since. Can you also go low contact OP? These types of relationships are so draining.

Maybe she thinks because you're an adult and married with your own life, you're just doing your own thing?
I can't remember my parents making a big thing about any of my birthdays after 18 and I would have been amazed (and appalled) if my late MIL had invited me for lunch to celebrate a 'big birthday'.
Presumably your mum will send you a card/present.

Maybe I'm missing something, but I don't get the problem.

We have a good relationship

Do you @KeenGoldCat? I only ask as I can’t imagine treating my children like this or having expectations that they throw a big bash for my birthday and then ignoring theirs.

Yup I've had this! Insisted me and the kids came over to hers for it and then hadn't done anything- no meal, no cake, no real present - random!

I am speaking for OP here, so maybe totally wrong but it sounds like the total lack of acknowledgement or interest esp when you compare it with OP’s other family and friends.

You’re absolutely right, but that may be why it’s not glaringly obvious to her that she’s behaving badly.

Did you doing a lot for her Bday come from you originally trying to earn approval and now you’re stuck with it?
I’m thinking about her not expecting as much from your sister (though you may not know what she and your sister do).

But maybe OPs other family and friends buy into the whole 'big birthday' thing and OPs mum doesn't feel she has too.
I wouldn't expect anyone to go to any length for any of my birthdays apart from my DH and children. I get a phonecall, card and gift from my parents.
Our oldest will be 21 soon. I'm not expecting he's going to want to do much with us compared yo his friends.

But it seems like the mother buys into the 'big birthdays' thing when it's for herself, so not quite the same.

My mum was like this for my 30th. I would have loved a bit of a family get together and to be made a fuss of. I started giving her hints about possible presents a few weeks before because normally for birthdays she asks about 1month before and she then said why are showing me things you like. She completely hadn't realised I was going to be 30.

It ended up being very disappointing as mum told me she hated being 30 so seemed to project that onto me that I wouldn't want any fuss or attention. Had the horrible thing where we went to cafe/ bar and it was someone else's 30th with balloons and cake ect. My mum even said oh how horrible'. I had to have a little cry in the loos.

She had made a much bigger fuss with my DP a few years before!!

I think it was because it reminded her of being 30 and also time moving on ect.

Shed be so upset if I told her but DH talks about it alot and puts candles on my cake ever year 🎂

It’s doesn’t sound like her mum even acknowledges it’s her birthday

• it’s really quite pointed if you know it’s someone’s birthday coming up, and you are in regular contact, to not even mention it. I can understand a 21 year old not wanting to celebrate with parents but when you are 40, 50 etc it’s not unusual to meet parents for lunch or dinner for a birthday. Nothing fancy but an acknowledgment of the day for someone you love.

My mum is the same, only realised it was my 30th when she saw all the 30 cards from everyone else.

I have a big birthday later this year, she made a big fuss of DBs a few years back, he got an expensive gift (over 1k), weekend away, family party and several cakes. I'm not expecting anything close to that.

She has become more and more selfish as she gets older. I think she hugely resents me and blames me for something that happened to her when I was little.

Luckily my mil is lovely and has already been asking if we have plans and has offered to have our DC for the weekend so we can go away. She's even offered to host a party at her house as we don't have enough space.

I hope you have a lovely birthday 🎂

Yanbu. My mum and both of my sisters missed my 40th. I tend not to go crazy OTT for birthdays but I would have liked birthday cards to arrive on time and for some of them to have had 40 on them. Tbf both sisters apologised.

My DM went a bit weird about my 40th. My siblings noticed as well, and we linked it to her quite intense need to appear young and youthful herself.

She's never disclosed her age to friends or colleagues, so me turning 40 and therefore 'officially middle aged' was a bit of a problem for her as people will do the mental maths!

I think she was hoping that no one would make a fuss of the birthday, no party or celebration. Tough luck, Mum!!

Knows you’ll be doing loads of stuff with people other than her and doesn’t want to come across as needy?

You’re both waiting for the other one to jump first.

Yes, a phone call, card and gift is wildly beyond my expectations. Just an acknowledgement in the form of a question or comment would be fine.

No, she's not asked if I have any plans. Like I say, I might be working that day for all she knows.

My 50th came and passed uneventfully, DM said that she did not even realise that I was 50🙄

Yes this level of fuss is all I'm referring to.
I think some posters think I expect my mum to whisk me off to Paris for the weekend, or arrange a surprise party for me! I'd literally like a "So your birthdays coming up soon, are you doing anything nice for it?"

My mum found my “big” birthdays incredibly difficult - she didn’t picture herself old enough to have a child who was 30/40/50.

I wasn’t remotely bothered about the birthdays but she took them very hard. Could it be tied up in that, OP?