To think mum should care about my big birthday?

[KeenGoldCat]

I have a big birthday coming up soon. It's just DH and I and we're going away for it for a few days, and I'm also getting together with a few friends for a night out. Great, looking forward to it.

What bothers me is my mum and her total lack of interest in or acknowledgement of it.

Most (all) people in my life have said something along the lines of "Ooh its the big one for you this year!" Many have asked what I'm doing. Dad has checked the dates of our trip so he can make sure I'm in to receive his gift. My in laws have asked when I'm free to go to theirs for lunch. But from mum.....nothing.

She's not acknowledged that it's happening, hasn't asked about my plans, hasn't asked when she can see me.

We have a good relationship and I went to great lengths and expense for her recent big birthday and her last one 10 years ago. She definitely expected this from me, so there is an expectation on her part, which she doesn't reciprocate. She was similarly uninterested in my last big birthday.

I don't expect much, and certainly nothing that costs, but I do expect a question about how I'm spending the day, or a question about when I'm free to visit her so she can make me a nice lunch (she likes to cook).

AIBU in wanting her to give some indication that she gives a shit?

I know what you mean, but I really don't think so. She's pretty no nonsense and fine with her age. She's been keen to be a little old lady since she was about 55, but that's a whole other thread!

Good enough. We've never had a crossed word. We see each other regularly. We get on well. We have a laugh. She's not perfect though, but neither am I.

It's almost like she thinks giving me the slightest bit of attention will give me a big head. Or there's something unseemly and gauche about being celebratory.

She's jealous of you. For whatever reason.

Feel for you @KeenGoldCat.

My mum has forgotten my birthday 3 times. Never forgets my sibling. Only 2 of us. No dementia, fit & healthy for her age. Occasionally get a happy birthday message from sibling.

Yes I'm an adult. No I don't expect loads of fuss. I live a distance away so don't expect a gift or a visit. I just want a card or a text. It does hurt when there's not even a thought of you on your birthday.

Look into books like “ The Emotionally Immature Parent.” You will find your mother described there. Its a type of person whose parenting (though fierce, noisy, and supposedly loving) is inadequate to the task of really being a safe, loving, harbor for you. Despite talking a good game your mother is selfish, pits one child against the other, and tries to take you down a peg (and lift herself up) by refusing to notice your birthday.

Sorry but if you are married it for your DH to arrange surprise parties and whisk you away.
Perhaps he has and the reason she hasn't asked is so as to not spoil the surprise?

If its not your birthday yet perhaps you will get a card and open a gift card detailing a trip or some other special big birthday surprise.

I wouldn't be getting so worked up about something which hasn't happened yet. She may well be not saying anything because she is in on a secret surprise with DH and may indeed be horrified you are speaking about her in such terms on here

Well @KeenGoldCat will you resolve to stop being so effusive and generous for her birthdays?

She sounds awful.

No, none of these will apply.
Like I say, just a question or comment to acknowledge that it's coming up would be fine.

Its obvious that she doesn’t have a principled stand against celebrations since she extracted two from you. You need an explanation that encompasses all of her behavior: the supposedly loving and the downright mean, or you won’t be able to have a clear understanding of her. You are very much still in the FOG of a life lived pleasing a person who only grants you favored status when she chooses, and withholds love snd attention when she chooses.

If she didn't think adult birthdays were important she wouldn't expect a fuss to be made of her birthday!
If I were in your shoes Op I would:
-adjust my expectations of her
-stop acknowledging her birthday- or rather do exactly with the same for her birthday as she does for yours
-and try not to engage in any of the playing you off against your sister stuff

She's not awful, it's just this very weird issue she has around celebrations, and particularly if they involve me.
A big birthday is only every 10 years, so yes, I'll probably push the boat out when her next one rolls around, if she's fortunate enough to still be here.
I think I have a good enough life that I can cope with briefly being made to feel like shit by someone I love once a decade.
It stings though.

But OP it’s not just once a decade. She plays you and your sister off against each other. You don’t feel able to talk to her honestly. It sounds a toxic set up where you have to be reasonable and kind and the ‘good girl’ and bury your feelings, as you say.

Maybe you’re allowed to be pissed off - appropriately here - at being treated badly.

My parents (Mum did all the work for birthdays and Xmas but he WAS there!) never made any effort at all for 'milestone' birthdays. I have to say, I've only thought about it on reading this thread as it clearly didn't bother me. Partner and friends have made a fuss, however.

this made me laugh. Very british of you!

the only bit you're being unreasonable about is carrying on doing big celebrations for her birthdays when she's made it very clear she won't do the same. Don't do anything other than a card next time and if she raises it just say 'Oh, I just assumed you weren't into big celebrations because you didn't do anything for my xth?'

I wonder because she's so into comparisons and looking good, what would she say if you went into over the top praise (ideally in front of other people) about how your dad/MIL celebrated your birthday and how much effort they put in? Would she then get jealous and want to up her game? (but that's just me being passive aggressive)

She's not awful, it's just this very weird issue she has around celebrations, and particularly if they involve me

But this is awful.

My mum usually forgets my birthday. She has dementia now so don’t expect that will change.

Meant to add:
About singling you out for this behaviour. Different if she generally did not acknowledge or remember people’s birthdays

She’s jealous of you

She thinks you are living the life she wished she had- partner, nice holidays, people caring about you and making a fuss on your bday etc.

So she is punishing you for that by ignoring your bday totally. She may not be entirely purposeful in this behaviour but she knows enough to be aware she is doing it in some form.

She might be a decent mum and love you very much but she’s behaving like a spoilt child.

I honestly think you need to gently broach this else your relationship will become more unbalanced over time and however nice it appears on the surface you will get resentful and she will hold power in a bad way that won’t serve either you OR her.

You can do it kindly. Next time you are together. Just ask.
” Is there a reason you haven’t asked if I have any plans for my bday mum? I’d love to see you too near the day to celebrate together after all it’s because of you that I’m even here! But it feels a bit odd you haven’t mentioned it and it’s made me a bit sad”

Why does she need to ask. Why haven’t you just told her you’re going away?

My parents never made a fuss over birthdays, even special ones. They couldn’t understand why anyone would. didn’t mean they didn’t love us, just that they loved us and cared about us all the time and not just on one special day.

Why are people so determined to excuse cold and mean behavior?

OP’s mother doesn’t gave dementia so there is no point dragging that in.

OP’s mother doesn’t love her the rest of the time and her behavior gives the OP pain deliberately.

Everything you have planned doesn’t involve her. Maybe she is hurt you haven’t involved her in your plans.