To be annoyed this mum took DS's phone

[burtonplanet]

DS(13) slept over at friend's house, along with one other boy. After dinner, the mum took DS's and the other boy's phones. The friend is not allowed a phone, and the mum didn't want anyone on phones during the sleepover. We have strict controls and app limits on DS's phone, such that he wouldn't have been able to do anything on it after 9 pm anyway except text or call home. We tightly monitor everything he does on there and know the dangers of teens having phones, but we feel like we're on top of it. We live in the centre of a small city and he walks and takes the bus everywhere. We like to be in touch with him and see where he is on FindMy, and he also needs an app to get the bus, and a few apps for his hobby. He messages with friends a bit but isn't really on social media. AIBU to think this mum was out of order? I know it's her house her rules, and on the one hand it's not a big deal because DS wouldn't really have used it anyway, except to probably text us goodnight and say if he was having a good time. But it just feels really judgy and unnecessary. This is not the only mum I know who is very anti smartphone and it just feels a little over the top. Just because a kid has a phone doesn't mean he's going to be on it all hours looking at porn and bullying people on social media. Sometimes they are just useful tools. Because this friend (who is 14!) is not allowed a phone, he is not allowed to walk anywhere on his own and lacks a lot of the independence we feel like it's important for DS to have. We don't want to be helicopter parents! Tell me if I'm BU.

[viques]

You said it, her house her rules. When you host a sleepover it will be your house your rules.

None of your reasons for your child having a phone apply when he is safe in bed at someone else’s house.

[WhateverMate]

She can't possibly ask for a report on every child's parents and how careful they are about their child's phone usage.

However, the only thing she did wrong was not to warn him before the sleepover was arranged.

That way he'd have a choice.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

YABU. Was he very upset or fine with it?

[EmilyPlay]

My child, my rules. I'd have been annoyed too and he wouldn't go on a sleepover at her house again.

[trippily]

She should have warned you/him first but thats all. Her house her rules. I can see why you especially wouldnt want a smartphone of unknown security in your childs bedroom! Better safe than sorry.

[Radiatorvalves]

I think you’re unreasonable. Her house her rules…. And no phones in bedrooms is eminently reasonable.

[scintilla87]

Agree with the other posters - Her house, her rules. Theres no way for her to tell what sort of limits, or lack of, a child staying over will have on their device.

[Mummame2222]

I think she overstepped the mark here massively.

what if DS was uncomfortable and wanted to reach out or missed you? If he goes again I would ask her not to do this, he’s our son and she has no right to get in between contact between the pair of you.

[Londonrach1]

Yabu. Her house her rules and sounds sensible. If you don't like it your doesnt go for a sleepover.

[stripes92]

YABU, seems like a reasonable rule. He could have asked for the phone if he needed to message you.

[burtonplanet]

I appreciate the feedback. He wasn't upset, but more hurt that she didn't trust him. She knows he is a good kid. It was more that I felt judged, like your mum lets you have this dangerous thing but I won't allow it in my house. I am friendly with her and she knows my DH and I work in tech and are on top of these things. We let him have it in his bedroom as an alarm, but all apps are off all night. I think if she had concerns she should have asked me or him, not just taken it off him.

[stargirl1701]

No phones in bedrooms is correct unless the phone is an old Nokia style one. No cameras in bedrooms is good safeguarding.

[Dacadactyl]

She sounds sensible taking teen boys phones off them overnight. Good on her.

[lilythesheep]

Her house her rules. For what it’s worth I wouldn’t allow smartphones at a sleepover either, and phones away after dinner so they don’t affect sleep seems a reasonable rule to me. Don’t lots of people have a phones downstairs at bedtime rule? It’s not about judging you, but about what she is comfortable with in her house.

You may monitor your child’s phone usage - plenty of parents don’t. Wouldn’t you be more offended if she’d asked for a blow by blow rundown of which apps they had access to and what level of parental control before inviting him to the sleepover? A blanket “in this house we don’t use phones after this time” is much easier and less likely to cause offence.

[Barrenfieldoffucks]

It's not an unusual rule, slightly more so at their age.

[CanNeverThinkOfAName]

I’d have been bloody furious.

She did not have the right to remove your DS’s personal property, no matter that he was in her house or not. Would it have been ok for her to confiscate his wallet or an item of jewellery?

Smart phones are not the devil and I feel sorry for her 14 year old with such a restrictive, small minded parent. I’d be telling her that.

All my DC had phones from secondary school. The older ones have grown into fully functional adults. Youngest is 13 with the latest iPhone, does exceptionally well at school and we have no issues. Ad you say, we are more happy for him to have more independence as can always see where he is.

[professionalnomad]

Sorry but if your son is choosing to sleep at his friends house then he has to follow the house rules.
If you don't agree with them - don't let him sleep over

[Soapboxqueen]

She should have said something beforehand. So in that respect she's unreasonable.

However, she can't know what other parents allow or don't allow their children to access on their devices. She's not unreasonable to want to restrict what could be a very unsuitable situation.

If a parent said they would take away my child's phone, my child wouldn't be going. Tell them they can't use it (except to call me) after say 9pm fair enough but not remove it.

[MintTwirl]

YABU, she can’t know what controls are on other kids phones. Your knew where he was, if he was ill or wanted to come home then i imagine that she would have given him his phone or contacted you herself.

[MintTwirl]

Also my 13 year old has a phone but I would do the same thing tbh, phones stay downstairs at night here. So I don’t think it’s because her dc doesn’t have a phone.

[shoppingshamed]

Why is your son taking it personally?

It's nothing to do with him, it's a house rule they are perfectly entitled to have. If it's a problem it's easily solved by not going back

Mountains and molehills

[Deadringer]

I have very few restrictions on my dcs phones, but I would respect the rules in other people's houses and I would ensure my dc do the same.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

Did he ask for it so he could message home and say good night or to flag you would need to message her?
Assuming not, then I'm minded to agree her house her rules as it was presumably clear that if he needed to use it he just had to ask.

[Terrribletwos]

No, I wouldn't be fine with this. She should have discussed this with beforehand.

Your child should have the means (by phone) to leave if he is in danger or unhappy...non negotiable in my view.

[pickledandpuzzled]

Gosh. DS went to a friend for a sleep over and the other kid was doing all sorts with the phone. Proper safeguarding issues stuff.

I’d be pleased she’s diligent. She has no idea what controls you have, and you none about hers.

If your DS wanted to, he could ask to go home instead