Guy did a 180 after date, does shyness put them off?

[Solonelyifeelsolonely]

Of course he's entitled to not want another date, I'm just wondering if it's something I did that I can learn from for future dates. Obviously I can't know for sure but just want to give an idea.

I'd known him for around 2 months prior to the date through friends/events etc. and I'd say we met around 7 times in various settings and always got on well.

It sounds arrogant it I really thought sometimes that he fancied me, ,2 of our friends picked up on it too. I just felt that sort of chemistry.

Then he asked for my number and we were texting lots. I asked for the drink.

It was my first date in years and I admit I was quite nervous, but I tried to remember he was already an acquaintance.

I was shy, but still the conversation flowed really well. It felt natural, wasn't strained at all or forced.
He paid for my drink, I offered to get him one but he wouldn't.
The thing I thought was a little strange was that he didn't flirt at all, whilst it was nice I just didn't get a flirty vibe at all, even though it was a great chat.
I complimented him once but didn't wanna go overboard.
Anyway when I texted to thank him his tone immediately changed , and that was it.

Does it sound like I put him off by being a bit nervous? As I say he already knew me, knows what I look like and so on. I admit I was a little blindsided. Maybe he wanted someone more 'out there'? Even though he was giving me the same.

People these days expect to feel immediate chemistry. In my opinion that is very unrealistic. He obviously fancied you but didn’t feel ‘the spark’. You can only be you. Forget him and move on.

Date lasted about 2.5 hours

You could waste a lot of time trying to guess, the truth is he just didn't feel a spark or felt you weren't quite right for him having spent time 1:1. It doesn't sound like it was a disaster or your shyness ruined it so I wouldn't think that's the factor. You have to have a thick skin for dating because often it's not you or anything you've said or done wrong you're just not what the other person is looking for.

I agree. When I told my 2 friends they were surprised too as they'd been convinced.
I don't know what I could've done to create the spark .
Agreed that people want it immediately. It does sound like I'm ruminating but I haven't got much dating experience and I'd like it to go better with someone next time.

Yes I'll try to see it like that and develop a thicker skin. It's a shame because on the date he told me that we had so much in common 🤣.
Ahh well. Thanks

From what you've written, it doesn't sound as though you've done anything wrong. Honestly, you could analyse this for hours (and you probably will!) but the long and short of it is, he's just not interested in you in that way. Maybe he was, but he's changed his mind. It's happened to me before and it was a bit ego bruising (especially as he was the one who did all the running in the run up to it!) but I just had to accept that the chemistry wasn't there for him 🤷‍♀️.

I can't answer for your particular situation but regards being put off by shy people: I am shy, sometimes if I meet someone else who's shy I feel like I'm doing loads of work and it can make things difficult.

This doesn't sound like what happened here though. You'd never know the answer really unless you asked

I'd like it to go better with someone next time @Solonelyifeelsolonely don't put yourself under this pressure, dating is a numbers game and (unless you are very lucky) the chances are you'll go on a lot of disappointing dates! It's not your responsibility to create a spark either it's just there or it's not. Be kind to yourself.

I probably will sadly 🤣 I think it hurts because he seemed interested for 2 months, and then one coffee with me was enough to put him off for good 🤣
I agree it's a bit ego bruising, like I've had dates where there was no conversation, zero in common etc and you can tell from both parties it won't go anywhere.

I don't think you can create a spark. It's either there or it isn't.

When you previously met up with him, was there always quite a few people present? A group setting?
It sounds like he potentially didn't feel the chemistry on a one-to-one basis. You say the conversation flowed well, but did you have a lot in common?
When you say his tone changed, can you give an example?

Saying you think someone fancies you isn't arrogant OP. The date aside, I would work on your confidence and self esteem.

Good luck

On two of the occasions it was just me and him1-1 for several hours. On another occasion there was a 3rd person there, then on other occasions it was pretty much just 5/10 minute chats.
Not just saying it but we have so much in common 🤣
It's just that his text was polite but shut down any further convo or suggestions, so I just knew.

I didn't have bad hygiene or anything. I can be shy but after a couple of times I really come out of my shell, it's just a shame they don't get to see that.

Ah, I hate it when that happens. For whatever reason, it sounds like he's changed his mind. It could have been about chemistry - or a lack of chemistry from his perspective - or it could have been one tiny thing you said that didn't sit with him. Another possibility is he has been on a date/s with another person and is perhaps prioritising that. Definitely shut down the texting now.

I don't think he's dating anyone else but who knows, it's scary how quickly he changed his mind. That's dating though I guess, everyone's looking for something different and what might not seem like a big deal to you is a huge dealbreaker for someone else.
The only thing I can think is that I said I didn't like spicy food and he was like, really?! 🙄
I mean if that's it then I'm better off out tbh, most people don't like it 🤣

Some people are very up for meeting someone, I have been asked out for second dates where frankly the first date was in my view no more than a nice time with a friend but I suspect the person was keen to have a girlfriend.
Then I have been in the situation where I have really liked someone and they aren't interested or more particularly they are after something casual or we are on a different page.

I don't know why this date didn't work for you, but it maybe that he felt you were after something more serious, who knows?

Dating isn't an audition, I have had relationships where I have tried to be someone that I am really not... it's exhausting, is unsustainable and I always ended up getting dumped.

Shyness does put some men off ime. It shouldn't be that way and ultimately, they're missing out on your wonderful qualities which would be exposed given time and patience. I got dumped after a 6 month relationship for apparently, having no confidence. What a brutal summary for basically being a bit too quiet around his large group of mates who I'd just met for the first time.

OP, it's a bit odd to say most people don't like spicy food?

Possibly, though we didn't even talk about what we wanted on the date. We literally just chatted about hobbies, work, travel, typical stuff.
I thought he could probably tell I liked him but afaik I didn't say or give any sort of impression of I'm desperate to marry someone, or anything like that 😅

Who Knows, maybe he only ever wanted a casual thing.

Well that's not true, spicy food is bloody amazing. 😂However, it could be something as seemingly innocent as that that's put him off. Maybe he's a vindaloo addict.
Did you casually suggest another date and he shut it down? Can you share the reply text?

I'm so sorry to hear that. Must've really hurt at the time, sounds like you are much better out.
I was definitely a bit nervous but he could've been too, but I still chatted a lot. Also, he'd already spoken to me several times prior so surely if he'd considered me too shy then he wouldn't have met me for a drink? I really have no clue 🤣

I think what you interpreted as flirting before, wasn't. You asked if he wanted to go for a drink , you've hung out as friends before, maybe when it became clear it was a date he felt he had to modify his behaviour as he'd given you the wrong impression

True, maybe more people do like it than dislike it, but surely people don't date based on that 🤣

I basically tested the waters by saying, shame you aren't free on Saturday as I'm going to X thing, would've been cool.
He just put 'thanks for the thought, and basically a polite text but hasn't continued the convo so neither have I. I can just tell.

Most people don't like spicy food? Where did you get that statistic from?