Guy did a 180 after date, does shyness put them off?

[Solonelyifeelsolonely]

Of course he's entitled to not want another date, I'm just wondering if it's something I did that I can learn from for future dates. Obviously I can't know for sure but just want to give an idea.

I'd known him for around 2 months prior to the date through friends/events etc. and I'd say we met around 7 times in various settings and always got on well.

It sounds arrogant it I really thought sometimes that he fancied me, ,2 of our friends picked up on it too. I just felt that sort of chemistry.

Then he asked for my number and we were texting lots. I asked for the drink.

It was my first date in years and I admit I was quite nervous, but I tried to remember he was already an acquaintance.

I was shy, but still the conversation flowed really well. It felt natural, wasn't strained at all or forced.
He paid for my drink, I offered to get him one but he wouldn't.
The thing I thought was a little strange was that he didn't flirt at all, whilst it was nice I just didn't get a flirty vibe at all, even though it was a great chat.
I complimented him once but didn't wanna go overboard.
Anyway when I texted to thank him his tone immediately changed , and that was it.

Does it sound like I put him off by being a bit nervous? As I say he already knew me, knows what I look like and so on. I admit I was a little blindsided. Maybe he wanted someone more 'out there'? Even though he was giving me the same.

Just read your latest update - fuck him off OP.

It could possibly be that yes. I have no idea, we haven't really met up before like that as such. But it could be that, I haven't a clue.

OP, I never talk about what I am looking for on a first date and quite a few guys have said they think I am looking for something serious, it's a vibe
Also if you haven't dated in a while I think it's not a leap to think you're not into flings...

Shyness can put men off yes. But I've known men who've said they don't feel a spark, when basically they're expecting you to passionately kiss them on the first date or they've paid for a meal (because they asked you out) and they 'expect' something in return for this. Or like someone I recently met, I wasn't laughing hilariously at his jokes, his tales of knowing some celebrity (when he was younger) didn't impress me either and I was wondering how quickly I could get out of the date - but didn't want to just run as that's rude.

The only person who can ever know why he didn't want a second date is him, and seriously, you are wasting your time trying to work out what the problem was. Even if he was put off by you being a bit nervous (which I doubt, to be honest) there are plenty of men out there who wouldn't find that off-putting at all.

He was not the man for you.

Yeah, it's strange and I am wondering if maybe it was never intended as a date because he didn't flirt with me at all or initiate anything. He surely can't have expected me to carry it all.

You're right, I just don't want to make the same mistakes in the future if it is something I did. But indeed if someone is put off by very little things then I guess they aren't for me.

I definitely think it could be this to be honest. Were you clear when you invited him about the fact that this was going to be a “date”?

If all has been fine before I do think most likely it was the fact he didn’t realise it was a date until it was too late, at which point he’s then put some distance between you two.

You’ll drive yourself utterly insane going over every moment and what you said and trying to analyse it. There’s no hard and fast rule to what you should/shouldn’t do on dates because everyone is different and want different things in people, nobody can tell you what happened any more than you can. So try and focus your energy into something else. You had a nice time, it didn’t work out, it sucks but clearly he wasn’t the right person.

I agree, he sounds rude and probably not into you (not in a bad way, it just happens).

Sometimes I think men just want women who are a certain way/type. Then that means they don't need to bother too much in kind. Women who they think might be too much hard work (e.g. shy etc) probably get turned down.

Last boyfriend I saw for a year, I was very much from the start treating it as casual, meeting him as and when we were both free, and then it seemed to snowball from there. But I always made it so that we met up in central London - so no trekking to the other person's area. The last man I had a date with, immediately he said 'let's meet near me' - slight orange flag there but I thought no way, I hate the area but I'm not going to near your place because you're too lazy to come nearer to me. Plus we both drove too.

In general though OP when you’re in the dating game it’s often the case that neither of you does anything “wrong” it’s just that there isn’t that spark or connection. You could be the nicest, best conversationalist, most outgoing etc… but if there’s no spark then there’s no second date. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with either person, just not compatible together! X

I didn't label it as anything, but I decided to just go for it since he'd asked for my number. And because I was potentially moving to a new area and thus leaving one of the hobbies he was saying that he wanted to still see me and he'd miss me.
That said it could have been 100% platonic and I misunderstood, who knows. It's hard to tell

I think he knew it was a date. Most men know this.

I hate to say it, but maybe he had another date lined up who he was more keen on, but didn't want to let you down, so had the date with you but therefore wasn't flirting or initiate anything as he didn't want to be accused of that with you.

Sounds daft but if it had been the first time meeting him I'd be much less bothered. I think it's because I've known him for a couple of months prior and has several conversations in which I definitely felt a spark, and mild flirting. So that's why I'm wondering if I put him off, because he already knew what I was like.

Honestly I don't think he did, though I could be wrong. He's never had a serious girlfriend apparently, 31 now and single since 23 he said. And very much a homebody type who's very square of his own admittance. But I could be wrong.

Doesn't sound like your shyness, conversation flowed, you gave a compliment, followed up with a text. Only thing is you asked for the date, so perhaps that wasn't his intention, odd why he asked for your number though.
Who knows maybe there is someone else and he doesn't want to commit any further.

I was also going to suggest that he perhaps didn't see it as a date and, when he realised you viewed it that way, tried to set up some boundaries. But it seems odd that he asked for your number... Unless the number-asking was linked to a hobby or work or something like that rather than part of a flirt.

Apparently the number was just so we could chat more .. maybe he is just the type to have really close kinda friendships with women, which is not a bad thing.

Honestly I dated loads, literally hundreds of men and I had some dates which I genuinely imagined might be the start of something serious and then got politely declined. There is no point trying to work it out. It might be nothing to do with you at all, you have no idea what is going on in rest of his life. When men did tell me (as I did sometimes ask I was variously told:
I seemed a bit too fit and they worried they wouldn’t keep up,
they didn’t think I’d want to move and thought it would be too long distance
they thought I seemed quite serious and they’re more laid back
it wasn’t me but they realised they weren’t in the right head space
i I reminded them of an ex
i reminded them of a boss they’d hated!
im amazing but they just want to have fun and I deserved a proper relationship
they worried they’d hurt me and I seemed too nice
who knows if any of this is true but I realised I couldn’t really do much about any of it!

Being single for 8 years at that age would be a red flag for me, are you sure he isn't Aromantic/Asexual?

Otherwise could you moving have put him off? Are you moving far and it would be a big effort to see each other?

I don't think he is, but I have no way of knowing.
I'm only moving 20 minutes away so wouldn't have been an issue, but yeah he didn't really go into the single thing. All I know is that he's only ever had short -term relationships when he was much younger, not that that matters.

He kinda shakes a bit around me which I don't know why, looks a bit like a deer in headlights sometimes, probably I've made him feel weird or something.

It’s possible he was never interested and agreed to the drink in a friends way and realised you want more so had shut it down?

i wouldn’t overthink it!

It’s possible he was never interested and agreed to the drink in a friends way and realised you want more so had shut it down?

i wouldn’t overthink it!

It could be that since there was zero flirting etc from him at the drink! Don't get why he asked for my number, surely that gives the wrong idea.