AIBU to let my Autistic dd spend the majority of the Easter break at home not socialising?

[Sfuandtired]

My 12 year old DD is autistic and currently on her 2 weeks Easter holiday, I’d mentally planned a few days out over the break, dd has agreed to two but other than that has asked to spend the majority of this time at home relaxing and “ avoiding people “
She’s happy in herself, communicative with the family but doesn’t really want to do much other than play on her iPad on roblox or watch Tiktoks
she also FaceTimes a close friend daily. AIBU to go with what she’s asking? It seems almost irresponsible crap parenting to let her sit around not doing much, but not sure if I’m getting swept along with the social media ideal of having to go on lots of days out etc? But then maybe what she’s asking is what she needs to do? In order to recharge/relax? Thanks

[jelliestfish]

I would go with it. It sounds like she is craving some proper decompression and comfort time.

[MyMotherThouArt]

Let her do what she wants. It’s her holiday for one thing, and secondly she is feeling the need for time to recharge- school is tiring and stressful for a lot of autistic kids, it’s good for them to rest to avoid burnout.

[CadyEastman]

ShI s clearly telling you what she needs. I'd go with that for now. Maybe ask her to do a couple of small things that you know she'll like like going out for Hot Chocolate or a walk?

[Silverfoxette]

My dd is 13 and the same. She told me the other day she hopes we don’t go on holiday in the summer this year as she wants a relaxing break at home. She doesn’t have anyone to FaceTime unfortunately, she struggles with friendships so that’s a bit of a worry for us, that she’s not getting any interaction at all

[Malarandras]

Why do you need to take her on lots of days out? I spent most of my upbringing either out playing or playing in my room. My kids have spent a lot of time at home too because I have to work and despite that I don’t have a magic money tree to pay for constantly going out either. There is no need to be going out constantly.

[PietariKontio]

I'll absolutely second what MyMotherThouArt has said, but also had that it would also be great for her to feel so validated and encourage her ability to express her needs

[Fidgety31]

my son is the same at 14yrs old.
i used to force him out on day trips etc but he is much happier at home by himself . So now i don’t even try to change his mind as it’s waste of time . They get to an age where they want to do their own thing

[FriendsDrinkBook]

Yes , let her relax in the way she chooses. Our child is autistic and we won't be doing much over the Easter break. He's exhausted from a busy term and needs some days to just play with his toys and read his books as he pleases. We may do a few trips to the park and a few bus rides (he loves these!) , but downtime is a definite priority.

[RubyBirdy]

I would request to her that she does some simple with you every day or so, such as a little walk to get some fresh air and leave the house, but otherwise leave her to her wishes as she’s communicated her wants and needs. Decompressing is important when autistic, but equally it’s sometimes harder to go back to reality if you have completely isolated yourself for two weeks! (I’m autistic and think this would be the best solution for me personally).

[ItBeDarkTonight]

Sorry but I disagree with the above posts. At home relaxing is ok but only scrolling tiktoks and playing Roblox wouldn't be ok to me. That's not helpful or healthy for anyone. There needs to be a balance. Does she meet the exercise guidelines? Does she do any chores? Has she got homework? Relaxing at home could be baking, reading, doing art, learning a language, knitting, gardening etc. That can all be balanced with screen time too but it's not ok for that to be all she does. She can avoid days out but she needs to be doing something

[takemeawayagain]

Definitely lots of time at home to decompress. Maybe with a daily walk for fresh air and exercise.

[KreedKafer]

The fact that you think a 12-year-old wanting a couple of weeks of chilling out doing her own thing is such a big deal that you need to ask if it’s unreasonable is actually making me feel genuinely sad.

No wonder your daughter’s desperate to have some down-time on her own.

It is perfectly normal for a kid to enjoy their own company and not want to be constantly socialising. It would be normal for plenty of neurotypical people too. Not everyone is an extrovert and not everyone gets lonely without other people around them all the time. Some of us just don’t need that.

Kids spend every day of the week surrounded by other kids, having their time organised for them and having to do specific activities to a timetable. It’s hardly surprising that some of them just want to relax on their own when they get half a chance.

[ntmdino]

Absolutely not unreasonable. Autistic people don't need socialisation, it doesn't make us any better at it - all it does is reinforce the idea that we have to mask to be accepted.

The one thing she needs is a rest from that. Far from being irresponsible parenting, it's the only responsible thing to do. If only more parents would do the same when their child is telling them in no uncertain terms what they need.

Rest easy, and don't let the social media peer pressure get to you. You've not only done the right thing by asking her what she wants, you'll be doing even better by following through with it.

Also: you should be proud that she has both the confidence and the self-awareness to be able to tell you that she needs that time on her own. Too many autistic teenagers would just go along with it because they think they're broken if they don't; you've done a good job there.

[Irisginger]

@ItBeDarkTonight

Sorry but I disagree with the above posts. At home relaxing is ok but only scrolling tiktoks and playing Roblox wouldn't be ok to me. That's not helpful or healthy for anyone. There needs to be a balance. Does she meet the exercise guidelines? Does she do any chores? Has she got homework? Relaxing at home could be baking, reading, doing art, learning a language, knitting, gardening etc. That can all be balanced with screen time too but it's not ok for that to be all she does. She can avoid days out but she needs to be doing something

Autistic people often use gaming to help with regulation. It is helpful and healthy!

[NuffSaidSam]

I'd definitely let her stay at home, nothing wrong with that.

I would try and get her to do some stuff away from screens (particularly tiktok) if possible.

[Loubelle70]

Let her chill. My DGS has autism and school is a lot for them to cope with at times, to navigate. She needs down time

[Apparentlystillchilled]

I agree with a PP that it’s great that your daughter can explain what she needs. My autistic DD often also needs v quiet school hols so we let her chill out (drawing, gaming, socialising if she wants) with the occasional dog walk and chores. She previously suffered from burnout when I didn’t listen to my gut and to her so now we focus on what she needs, rather than what we “should” be doing, or what SM portrays others’ lives to be.

[TheSnowyOwl]

I’m amazed your DD has got to this age without you realising about autistic burnout and the need for recharging and quiet time away from sensory overload. Just think of it on a par as injury recovery - would you expect a child with a broken leg to go to active sports clubs over a holiday or would you expect them to allow their leg to heal? It’s the same thing. Just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it’s not there.

[KreedKafer]

@ItBeDarkTonight

Sorry but I disagree with the above posts. At home relaxing is ok but only scrolling tiktoks and playing Roblox wouldn't be ok to me. That's not helpful or healthy for anyone. There needs to be a balance. Does she meet the exercise guidelines? Does she do any chores? Has she got homework? Relaxing at home could be baking, reading, doing art, learning a language, knitting, gardening etc. That can all be balanced with screen time too but it's not ok for that to be all she does. She can avoid days out but she needs to be doing something

Does she meet the exercise guidelines? Does she do any chores? Has she got homework? Relaxing at home could be baking, reading, doing art, learning a language

So basically, you want her to spend her two weeks off doing the same things she has to do at school.

If she wants to play Roblox let her bloody play Roblox. She’s old enough to choose what she does in her leisure time. Not everything in life has to be productive and improving. It is normal and OK to let a 12-year-old entertain themselves instead of making them do organised activities all the time.

[AGodawfulsmallaffair]

@Malarandras

Why do you need to take her on lots of days out? I spent most of my upbringing either out playing or playing in my room. My kids have spent a lot of time at home too because I have to work and despite that I don’t have a magic money tree to pay for constantly going out either. There is no need to be going out constantly.

I agree. She’ll be fine.

[jelliestfish]

@ItBeDarkTonight

Sorry but I disagree with the above posts. At home relaxing is ok but only scrolling tiktoks and playing Roblox wouldn't be ok to me. That's not helpful or healthy for anyone. There needs to be a balance. Does she meet the exercise guidelines? Does she do any chores? Has she got homework? Relaxing at home could be baking, reading, doing art, learning a language, knitting, gardening etc. That can all be balanced with screen time too but it's not ok for that to be all she does. She can avoid days out but she needs to be doing something

I enjoy a lot of those things, but setting or scheduling a list of activities is going to feel like a source of pressure or anxiety. This child has expressed a need to escape from demands and expectations of school, socialising and 'being busy'.

[TheYearOfSmallThings]

@Irisginger

Autistic people often use gaming to help with regulation. It is helpful and healthy!

Not all day and to the exclusion of anything else it isn't.

Resting and taking a break from social demands is fine, but I would find a few projects at home (clearing out her room, helping with some DIY) and insist on a bit of exercise every day. That way she gets to maintain some balance.

[Droolylabradors]

My DS teen spends the entire 9 week (private) summer holiday in his room.

Its taken a while to get used to it. We've found workarounds now.

[thatsnotacactus]

This is exactly how my 12yo autistic child spends their holidays, though I do get them to come out on a dog walk with me once every day.

[DieDeutschLehrerin]

My 2 NT 12 and 9 year olds are having a happily low key and quiet school hols. There has been/will be some socialising but again, low key and within what's relaxing to them - I don't really see that as any different to what your daughter is choosing. As long as she's getting some movement and off-screen time, fair enough for her to choose how she spends her hols.