Page 4 | Who is being unreasonable? Baby shower at work

CCEE8 · 2024-03-27T20:12:21+00:00

Girl at work is having a baby with her wife who is pregnant. Colleague A is arranging a baby shower to celebrate. Colleague B thinks a baby shower doesn’t make sense because the girl isn’t pregnant. We don’t organise baby showers for dads. The pregnant wife doesn’t work for our company and wouldn’t be at the baby shower (it would take place in our office). Who’s being unreasonable? YANBU - Colleague A YABU - Colleague B

WrenNatsworthy · 28/03/2024 18:59

babytakemehome · 28/03/2024 18:42

It's quite ironic that you talk about being kind, but go on to dramatically describe those who disagree as 'simmering with resentment'. You don't seem to like unfairness being pointed out, choosing to attribute it to a negative emotion and jealousy. Who likes being treated unfairly? Do you?

Things are fair in an environment where everyone is treated equally. Perhaps this has always happened in your roles. Everyone was able and happy to contribute. However, you'll never know if anybody was actually quietly dissatisfied but felt forced to chip in anyway. You may have gotten flowers, but some other woman in the same situation who didn't... do you think she's going to complain to you, or force a grin and contribute?

If your argument is that 'well, that never happened, everyone's events were acknowledged' then that's acceptable. However, in this case, the OP has clearly described different treatment for different people. Dads don't get the same treatment as this non-pregnant partner. If you're OK with that, or with certain people getting things and not others , then you're OK with treating people unfairly and discrimination. That's unprofessional and the opposite of 'being kind'.

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I already said in a previous post that I thought this situation was different, and mentioned my reason's why.

However, as we only know very little about this particular situation as the OP posted and disappeared, it's all conjecture, it's become a bit boring, and I'm doubting if it was even a real situation anyway. I suspect the cat was thrown amongst the pigeons here for amusement.

I certainly wasn't the only person in the 8 years I worked in this particular service to have experienced a loss, and be sent flowers or a gift, and I know that nobody I worked with would have been as mean - spirited as to resent my having been sent flowers after a miscarriage.

WrenNatsworthy · 28/03/2024 19:06

*reasons

LlynTegid · 28/03/2024 19:08

Baby showers should be confined to history.

Though if you decide to have one, then I think the woman who is pregnant should be there.

Itsallsostressful · 28/03/2024 19:12

I think perhaps the term 'baby shower' is being used here meaning perhaps having tea and cakes getting together and making a wee fuss of the mum to be for a bit. I think this sounds lovely and we would do this for mums and dads in my workplace.

Merryoldgoat · 28/03/2024 19:24

I make blankets for all new parents at work and we have shower-like stuff for all parents too

Growlybear83 · 28/03/2024 19:30

Everyone is being unreasonable as baby showers are an unnecessary Americanism. However, I think colleague A is being ridiculous. If people must organise things like this, then it should be for the person who is pregnant not their partner.

babytakemehome · 28/03/2024 21:03

WrenNatsworthy · 28/03/2024 18:59

I already said in a previous post that I thought this situation was different, and mentioned my reason's why.

However, as we only know very little about this particular situation as the OP posted and disappeared, it's all conjecture, it's become a bit boring, and I'm doubting if it was even a real situation anyway. I suspect the cat was thrown amongst the pigeons here for amusement.

I certainly wasn't the only person in the 8 years I worked in this particular service to have experienced a loss, and be sent flowers or a gift, and I know that nobody I worked with would have been as mean - spirited as to resent my having been sent flowers after a miscarriage.

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I don't think it's mean-spirited for someone else who experienced a miscarriage to resent you getting flowers from 'everyone at work', if they didn't. Obviously working together at the same time etc. After all, you have both gone through the same thing, but nobody cared to support them. They don't have any desire to hurt you, unless they actively caused damage. It's a natural human emotion to be sad at being left out. If anybody has been harmed here actually, it's them, and not you. People have been cruel to not acknowledge their pain leaving them feeling alone and not cared about. Unlike, well you. You were not the 'only' person to benefit but the important question is.. was anybody left out?

Also... well, everyone has their own struggles. It's also not mean-spirited to resent constantly forking out for other people when you're not supported because it's not something society deems worthy of support.

Regarding money... not mean-spirited for someone to resent being forced to contribute at the expense of feeding their own children, or spending on something else that they actually cared about. Their money their choice there shouldn't be any social pressure.

Now, It would be mean-spirited to resent anything people sent you off their own backs, as that comes from their personal relationship with you. Even if it's 2-3 colleagues organising themselves and not roping everyone else in. Perfectly fine. Nobody else is involved and/or obligated to do anything in any way.

Doesn't really matter to me whether this thread is real. I'm glad to see so much common sense and support for fair practices from most people. Nobody's saying that there should be no celebrations or acknowledgement of life events. Just that it should be fair and involve minimal pressuring into any obligations.

Londonrach1 · 28/03/2024 21:06

Its very strange to have a baby shower without the pregnant lady there. Can't the wife come too

Londonrach1 · 28/03/2024 21:07

Its very strange to have a baby shower without the pregnant lady there. Can't the wife come too

Hankunamatata · 28/03/2024 21:10

There shouldn't be baby showers at work full stop.

Starlightstarbright3 · 28/03/2024 21:10

Are you person A or B ?

WrenNatsworthy · 29/03/2024 09:17

babytakemehome · 28/03/2024 21:03

I don't think it's mean-spirited for someone else who experienced a miscarriage to resent you getting flowers from 'everyone at work', if they didn't. Obviously working together at the same time etc. After all, you have both gone through the same thing, but nobody cared to support them. They don't have any desire to hurt you, unless they actively caused damage. It's a natural human emotion to be sad at being left out. If anybody has been harmed here actually, it's them, and not you. People have been cruel to not acknowledge their pain leaving them feeling alone and not cared about. Unlike, well you. You were not the 'only' person to benefit but the important question is.. was anybody left out?

Also... well, everyone has their own struggles. It's also not mean-spirited to resent constantly forking out for other people when you're not supported because it's not something society deems worthy of support.

Regarding money... not mean-spirited for someone to resent being forced to contribute at the expense of feeding their own children, or spending on something else that they actually cared about. Their money their choice there shouldn't be any social pressure.

Now, It would be mean-spirited to resent anything people sent you off their own backs, as that comes from their personal relationship with you. Even if it's 2-3 colleagues organising themselves and not roping everyone else in. Perfectly fine. Nobody else is involved and/or obligated to do anything in any way.

Doesn't really matter to me whether this thread is real. I'm glad to see so much common sense and support for fair practices from most people. Nobody's saying that there should be no celebrations or acknowledgement of life events. Just that it should be fair and involve minimal pressuring into any obligations.

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Flowers didn't exactly make - up for the baby loss but it was a comfort to know the team were there for me at the time.

I'm sure I didn't work with anyone who kept a spreadsheet of who got flowers when a tragedy occured, however I certainly know of other people in the 8 years who 'got' something.

It's just 'stuff' , it doesn't matter what it costs, it's the sentiment of goodwill behind it.

mamajong · 29/03/2024 11:03

If she wants one, someone wants to organise it and others want to go then what's the issue. If a Dad wanted a baby shower I'm he could say so, presumably none have ever asked. Personally I wouldn't do a baby shower at work but no one is forced to go.

vanillawaffle · 29/03/2024 11:06

It's a work place! Just buy a present for the baby and be done with it. Do the same for everyone. People don't have money to fling around on gifts so make it small. One nice babygrow or something. And wait until its born as some people are superstitious

zaxxon · 29/03/2024 11:13

We used to "wet the baby's head" for the new dads after the baby was born. No presents or cards or anything, but just marking the occasion and cheers-ing him. (mind you, this was a couple of decades ago when workplaces were boozer)

Theblacktulip · 29/03/2024 11:23

NoTicket · 27/03/2024 20:14

Everyone is being unreasonable. Also baby showers are unnecessary and crass.

THIS

bunds · 29/03/2024 11:32

What company is this so I know not to work there? Work baby showers are ridiculous, why would a colleague be interested in someone having a baby? It's just a way to shove babies in the face of colleagues who went into work to do a job. Highly upsetting for those who can't have children etc.

babytakemehome · 29/03/2024 11:32

WrenNatsworthy · 29/03/2024 09:17

Flowers didn't exactly make - up for the baby loss but it was a comfort to know the team were there for me at the time.

I'm sure I didn't work with anyone who kept a spreadsheet of who got flowers when a tragedy occured, however I certainly know of other people in the 8 years who 'got' something.

It's just 'stuff' , it doesn't matter what it costs, it's the sentiment of goodwill behind it.

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You're just proving your point more and more! It's all about you, no thought for anyone else. People don't need to keep a spreadsheet to remember themselves being left out. Your dismissive attitude towards this really reflects how little you think of fairness, as long as you get supported bugger anybody else.
Also.. if it's just 'stuff'... then no need to have this baby shower or any tea and cakes or flowers. Just send good wishes verbally. Or no need for flowers, just send a thinking of you message/phone call. After all it's just the sentiment of goodwill, why does any money need spending?

Once again, I'm not saying that people shouldn't do anything. But whatever's done should be fair and consistent.

Rudolftheorange · 29/03/2024 11:35

I’d default to treating her as a dad as the non birthing parent. So I would be suprised. But I wouldn’t make an issue of it. Someone wants to do something nice then fair enough. Save your anger for people being unkind.

CHEESEY13 · 29/03/2024 11:37

Simply attention-seeking......

Bearygummies · 29/03/2024 11:38

Also... well, everyone has their own struggles. It's also not mean-spirited to resent constantly forking out for other people when you're not supported because it's not something society deems worthy of support.

Regarding money... not mean-spirited for someone to resent being forced to contribute at the expense of feeding their own children, or spending on something else that they actually cared about. Their money their choice there shouldn't be any social pressure.

Completely agree @babytakemehome I’ve completely stopped giving to collections since switching to WFH. I write a note in the e-card but that’s it.

Someone had a milestone birthday then a wedding then left and got 3 collections in quick succession. It just seems unfair especially in this cost of living crisis.

I did work in one place where we did a very small collection to get office birthday treats but the manager would make sure every single person in our team would get a birthday cake and card, so I didn’t mind that. She and the office manager religiously checked the list to make sure no one was forgotten. But in so many places it’s about popularity and who deems what as worthy of celebrating etc and buying expensive gifts.

burnoutbabe · 29/03/2024 11:41

Surely we do baby showers not because women give birth.

But because (sone) women like this sort of thing?

It's cakes and a lunch time fuss.

If it's done for most women in the office who have a baby then do it for this one.
Unless you would refuse to hold one for someone adopting? And just cause hurt other sone arbitrarily rule!

At my work all new parents got a present /card. Fellow colleagues may have also gone out for lunch to wish person going off on leave good wishes. I assume men could organise a pint with their mates if wanted.

WrenNatsworthy · 29/03/2024 11:46

babytakemehome · 29/03/2024 11:32

You're just proving your point more and more! It's all about you, no thought for anyone else. People don't need to keep a spreadsheet to remember themselves being left out. Your dismissive attitude towards this really reflects how little you think of fairness, as long as you get supported bugger anybody else.
Also.. if it's just 'stuff'... then no need to have this baby shower or any tea and cakes or flowers. Just send good wishes verbally. Or no need for flowers, just send a thinking of you message/phone call. After all it's just the sentiment of goodwill, why does any money need spending?

Once again, I'm not saying that people shouldn't do anything. But whatever's done should be fair and consistent.

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Nobody did get left out? Nobody did have a miscarriage in my team when I did? That was the point I was making! It's all very well you coming up with this 'what if' scenario, but it didn't happen IRL!

This conversation is very confusing to me, we are obviously very different kinds of thinkers. I'll be leaving our exchange here as we're not going to reach an accord, we are coming at this from completely different angles.

babytakemehome · 29/03/2024 11:48

WrenNatsworthy · 29/03/2024 11:46

Nobody did get left out? Nobody did have a miscarriage in my team when I did? That was the point I was making! It's all very well you coming up with this 'what if' scenario, but it didn't happen IRL!

This conversation is very confusing to me, we are obviously very different kinds of thinkers. I'll be leaving our exchange here as we're not going to reach an accord, we are coming at this from completely different angles.

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Yeah, you're unable to think beyond your own experience. There's no point in reasoning with you. It's not about what did or didn't happen in your little team, but the bigger picture of how things work. If you still don't understand after explaining multiple times and even other posters like @Bearygummies weigh in... well, no hope.

StormingNorman · 29/03/2024 11:53

Baby showers for people at work are unbearable…everyone resents forking out and then feigning interest in what colour they’re painting the nursery blah blah blah is excruciating. I wish we could just put an end to them.

in this case, as she’s not the pregnant one she doesn’t get a shower unless all the dads do too.