Who is being unreasonable? Baby shower at work

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Girl at work is having a baby with her wife who is pregnant.

Colleague A is arranging a baby shower to celebrate.

Colleague B thinks a baby shower doesn’t make sense because the girl isn’t pregnant. We don’t organise baby showers for dads.

The pregnant wife doesn’t work for our company and wouldn’t be at the baby shower (it would take place in our office).

Who’s being unreasonable?
YANBU - Colleague A
YABU - Colleague B

There should just be a collection where people chuck in a fiver each. How can you have a baby shower when the person who’s actually having the baby won’t even be there? Makes no sense imo

Seems odd to have a shower for someone who isn't even pregnant.

Baby showers are not appropriate for any workplace, neither for the pregnant mother nor otherwise, how over the top!

A card and gift should be enough, either when the expectant parent begins parental leave or after the baby arrives.

Was going to say exactly this. We don't know how they decided she wouldn't carry or anything else about the situation.

Celebrate her,she's a mum to be. Well done colleague A

I think it is better to buy her a present once the baby is born.
When I first left Uni, we had 3 members of staff expecting at the one time.... One baby born, one dead and one spent 2 weeks in Hospital as born blue.
I have never tempted fate since.

It used to be the norm that you didn't give a gift until the baby had safely arrived, for just that reason.

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The colleague isn't pregnant buuttt IS having a baby I guess 🤔 weird one unless the pregnant wife is quite close to people in your workplace and is around quite a lot.

I think a bit weird though tbh.

Wow. I'm glad I've never worked with folk like most of the responders on this thread.

I think that 'baby shower' just means 'giving some nice gifts for baby and parent to be'. I think that the dynamics are different with a gay couple - and Colleague A seems sensitive to that. By the logic on here, if it was a male couple or folk adopting, then you'd just ignore because nobody was pregnant.

Also surely it's nice to foster good team spirit to do nice things for one another?
I suppose it depends on your place of work.

It doesn't have to be expensive and extravagant, just half an hour in the room you have your team meetings in with tea and cake. Why is that such a dreadful thing?

I think baby showers at work are U anyway; but if you have them in general, I don't see a problem in having one for her.

And maybe workplaces should have them for dads. Or not at all, which would be my preferred option.

Having a baby shower at work is unreasonable whoever is having a baby even if you like the concept of a baby shower for friends.

Wherever I have worked, once the baby has arrived safely then a present would be given to whichever parent works with you - Mum or Dad.

Fuck that, I think it's unreasonable. Sure, she's a mum too. But she's not doing the fucking horrible 9 months of pregnancy and labour, is she? Have a collection and give her a present. A baby shower is naff and particularly weird for a woman who will just show up in 9 months time and get handed a baby.

What does a baby shower at a work place even look like? Are you going to play Pin the Sperm on the Egg, build a nappy cake and have afternoon tea at your desks? I've worked in places where the dad gets a card and a collection but I've not heard of baby shower at work, even for the Mum. Friend A obviously hasn't got enough work to do!

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Ah the innocent baby shower. Such a strangely emotive topic on MN. Is it a naff American import only enjoyed by the greedy? Is it a sweet foreign tradition that the British have managed to make a hash of?

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Weird . Baby showers are normally a few hours long with themes , games and lots of delicious food . Everyone has fun and partakes in certain activities. Pregnant mum being the Center of attention of course , especially opening the presents. Don’t seem quite right with a non pregnant mum to be . Too much fuss . Just buy the baby a gift when it’s born

I agree. If it regularly happens for new mothers, then it should happen for her.

Because it’s a workplace. You can wish a colleague well and bung them a few quid in an office card without all the hoopla and unnecessary coercion to attend a ‘baby shower’, which is the most cringey and vomitous US import to have ever crossed the Atlantic.

I think it’s a bit much (but then I’m not into baby showers in general and didn’t have one myself). I’d say a contribution of a couple quid each to buy a little gift and card with some congratulations is enough.

If you’re a really close team and it would mean a lot to her then I guess a little shower would be fun, but it’s definitely a bit much/unnecessary.

So it's the name 'baby shower' which is triggering everyone,
plus a dose of xenophobia?

And none of you are friends with your workmates?

OP has now disappeared anyway. I'm sure that the woman will get a nice card and gift out of it, while colleague B simmers with resentment.

Whatever makes you happy eh?

You've unwittingly head the nail on the head with your comment about being 'friends'.
A workplace is a professional environment, which requires fair treatment of everyone. Friendship doesn't come into it. You cannot have a clique organising things for each other in the office because 'they' are friends, and ignoring everyone else in the wider team. Which IME is often the case!

I have no problem with centrally managed celebrations, in former teams we had a calendar of significant events with the boss's PA organising gifts/cards. Paid for with his/her corporate credit card.

The issue with self-organising however is that only the popular ones, or those who have 'event happy' friends in the team, get celebrated. Quieter ones often get left out. It's extremely unfair especially if the latter are also expected to contribute, and get nothing in return!

Furthermore, if you read the OP carefully, she says 'we' don't organise baby showers for dads. Of course, it could mean the royal 'we', i.e. society. Fair enough to only organise for the birthing parent. But if one is organised for a female solely because of her sex, then what's the reason for leaving dads out? It's sexist and discriminatory.

Also , requiring people to fork out for gifts is unfair. Good for you that you earn enough, but others may be counting pennies. It's really not inclusive. A signed card - fair enough. But the 'shower' in the name refers to a shower of gifts, which is clearly inappropriate.

Have a standard policy, paid for by the company /with a fair, low effort distribution system. Or ban all of it is my take. Nothing to stop people organising privately, outside the office if they want but there should be no pressure on colleagues to attend or contribute.

Have a few friends who decided not to have baby showers. They got the cold shoulder from some of their friends. It's the mother to be that decides, not anyone else.

Also noticed at my current and previous employers that when MTB go on maternity leave, they get a collection. Never the FTB esp when they have paternal leave now.

I'm clearly fortunate to have worked in chilled- out workplaces where people have generally been kind to one another and not simmering with resentment.

We'd have collection envelopes come round and I'd add what I could afford given whatever my circumstances were.

Given that the OP has left the thread, we don't know if Colleague A meant a huge US style celebration or a simple half hour with tea and cake.

I had some lovely unexpected gifts when I went off on maternity leave, and had been sent flowers the year before when I had miscarried.

My line manager changed when I returned to work and I wasn't happy for many reasons with the way she managed me, but she did organise a collection for my wedding. I invited our whole staff team to the reception.

It was the cultural norm in our workplace. Maybe it was the age range - 30s - 50s , and the fact that it was in the public sector? I've mainly worked in public sector or charity jobs and it's always been like that at each place of work where I was part of a staff team.

It's quite ironic that you talk about being kind, but go on to dramatically describe those who disagree as 'simmering with resentment'. You don't seem to like unfairness being pointed out, choosing to attribute it to a negative emotion and jealousy. Who likes being treated unfairly? Do you?

Things are fair in an environment where everyone is treated equally. Perhaps this has always happened in your roles. Everyone was able and happy to contribute. However, you'll never know if anybody was actually quietly dissatisfied but felt forced to chip in anyway. You may have gotten flowers, but some other woman in the same situation who didn't... do you think she's going to complain to you, or force a grin and contribute?

If your argument is that 'well, that never happened, everyone's events were acknowledged' then that's acceptable. However, in this case, the OP has clearly described different treatment for different people. Dads don't get the same treatment as this non-pregnant partner. If you're OK with that, or with certain people getting things and not others , then you're OK with treating people unfairly and discrimination. That's unprofessional and the opposite of 'being kind'.

Our workplace just does a collection for everyone - I think slightly more is made of it if someone’s going off on maternity, adoption or shared parental leave, just because we won’t see them for a while.

I don’t understand why you’d do a baby shower for her if you don’t usually do one for the non-birthing parent. Are there any differences other than the non- birthing parent has been men in the past and she’s a woman?