Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry that people judge me?

73 replies

LoyalFox · 27/03/2024 14:18

Because I have a child when I am still very young myself. I am only 19 myself and already have a child (it wasn't planned). I worry that my parents judge me due, they never say anything directly to me that makes me think that they judge but I have overheard conversations between them both that make me think that they judge me. I also worry that my friends judge me as well for having a child so young. I worry that people (people who don't know us) who see us (me and my child) out and about also judge me for having a child so young. I don't know why I feel like this but I just worry that people are judging the fact that I am only 19 and already have a child.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoyalFox · 27/03/2024 14:22

I don't know why I feel like this, I think it comes from the conversations that I overhear my parents having.

OP posts:
PiggieWig · 27/03/2024 14:22

Motherhood is a great leveller, and age has no bearing on your ability to parent your child. What matters is that you are providing the best life you can, filled with love and meeting your child’s needs.
So what if anyone judges you? It makes no difference at all. Often this fear comes from a place of judging ourselves, so if you are doing that, give yourself credit and grace.

mumstheword001 · 27/03/2024 14:22

I was 19 when I had my first, and whilst I’m sure there was people who judged me, there were many who didn’t.

As I’ve got older I have realised that people will judge you over anything. It’s best not to give it a second thought and get on with building the best life for you and your child ☺️

Growlybear83 · 27/03/2024 14:23

I don't think 19 is too young to have a child - it wasn't uncommon at all when I was younger. Personally, I think it's much better to have a baby at your age than in your 40s. But if people judge you for that, what does it matter? People will always find something to judge others about.

Original poster
LoyalFox · 27/03/2024 14:23

Sorry if I wasn't clear, I am 19 now but I had my child when I was 18 (she was born a week after my 18th birthday).

OP posts:
Hermittrismegistus · 27/03/2024 14:24

Of course people judge you. They'll be thinking you made a very stupid decision and have probably messed up your life compared to what it could have been had you decided to wait a few years.

Daffodilsarentfluffy · 27/03/2024 14:24

I have had dc in my teen's, 20's, 30's and 1 at 43.. People have comments to make whichever age you have dc ime. You are quite capable of being a great dm. Why wouldn't you? Let them judge away. They can't really know you can they? Surely you know you're fab op? I bet your dc does!!

SpikeGilesSandwich · 27/03/2024 14:26

People will judge you whatever you do, too young, too old, too strict, too permissive, etc. You literally can't win, just ignore the judgy buggers and try not to let it get to you. Flowers

TheSnowyOwl · 27/03/2024 14:26

Yes, I think some people will judge or possibly pity you but ignore them. You have made your decision and dwelling on other people’s opinions about it isn’t going to change anything in a positive manner.

Member984815 · 27/03/2024 14:26

People do judge but as the saying goes other people's opinions of me are none of my business. As long as you are doing a good job being a mother I wouldn't pay any attention to what other people think. What is it you overheard that has made you doubt yourself , and could you speak to your parents about it ?

ZeldaFighter · 27/03/2024 14:26

Many people are very judgemental but that's their problem, not yours.

Focus on yourself and your baby. Do you think there's anything you need to learn more about? If so, research, ask and learn. Be open to new information but do trust your own instincts.

Every young mother I've ever met has admitted that it's hard but would never change it. You have all the strength and energy of youth to share with your baby and as you both age, you'll become very close and yet still be able to share things together. For comparison, when my youngest is 18, I'll be late 50s. When your baby is 18, you'll be 37 (and probably out with them 😉)

I'm sure you will prove any judgers wrong and make your parents very proud!

Original poster
LoyalFox · 27/03/2024 14:27

Hermittrismegistus · 27/03/2024 14:24

Of course people judge you. They'll be thinking you made a very stupid decision and have probably messed up your life compared to what it could have been had you decided to wait a few years.

It wasn't planned, I didn't plan to get pregnant. Although I did make the decision to keep my baby and not get an abortion

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 27/03/2024 14:27

The wonderful thing about being a woman is that as you grow, you care less and less. I am now in my Fuck It 50s but I still remember the crushing weight of caring what other people think about me. And at 19, you are right in the worst time for it.

My advice, remember that you should only care about the opinions of you, and people you genuinely respect. Not love, not like; respect. If someone judges you, do a really honest self-assessment, based on your own opinion. If their judgement is wrong, don't think about it again for a second.

Cuppachuchu · 27/03/2024 14:27

People are constantly judging others, even subconsciously. Don't waste time worrying about this, live your life and be happy. (I wish someone had said this to me when I was 19).🤒

Original poster
LoyalFox · 27/03/2024 14:28

Hermittrismegistus · 27/03/2024 14:24

Of course people judge you. They'll be thinking you made a very stupid decision and have probably messed up your life compared to what it could have been had you decided to wait a few years.

I do agree that I would probably have had a better job if I didn't have a child this young.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 27/03/2024 14:28

Now OP do you see what you did there?

Lots of nice, supportive posts and you ONLY replied to the nasty one. The only opinion you wanted to 'notice' was the shit one. Don't do that and you will be OK.

Original poster
LoyalFox · 27/03/2024 14:30

Member984815 · 27/03/2024 14:26

People do judge but as the saying goes other people's opinions of me are none of my business. As long as you are doing a good job being a mother I wouldn't pay any attention to what other people think. What is it you overheard that has made you doubt yourself , and could you speak to your parents about it ?

There is quite a lot that I have overheard them say to be honest, I've overheard a lot of their conversations

OP posts:
Original poster
LoyalFox · 27/03/2024 14:30

SpikeGilesSandwich · 27/03/2024 14:26

People will judge you whatever you do, too young, too old, too strict, too permissive, etc. You literally can't win, just ignore the judgy buggers and try not to let it get to you. Flowers

I do try not to let it get to me but it's hard when I overhear the conversations my parents have.

OP posts:
toddlermam · 27/03/2024 14:31

What are your parents saying though? What age did your parents have you?

coldcallerbaiter · 27/03/2024 14:32

I think if you were married and 19 they would think differently. As someone said earlier it was not uncommon in the past but often there was a shotgun wedding to underpin the creation of a young family.

Jelliclecats · 27/03/2024 14:33

The people who mind don’t matter, and the people who matter don’t mind.

I had my eldest at sixteen, I worked my socks off to get great exam results, worked full-time in the civil service, no family support, saved and got my own house…and from the very first second I knew I was pregnant my identity was Mum. I can from a small rural town and I was gossiped about dreadfully, it just shows you who isn’t worth your time.

Age is not prerequisite to being a good parent, in fact many older parents struggle with losing the self-centred lives that they are used to. The nastiest/most abusive or neglectful parents I’ve met have all been older than teens and early twenties. Seriously, you can be as good or better than anybody else!

My children and I are a loving family, and I teach them never to judge and also how to hold their heads up high. Hold yours up lass.

Hermittrismegistus · 27/03/2024 14:34

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/03/2024 14:28

Now OP do you see what you did there?

Lots of nice, supportive posts and you ONLY replied to the nasty one. The only opinion you wanted to 'notice' was the shit one. Don't do that and you will be OK.

I wasn't nasty, just saying that people will judge and the potential reasons why. No point pretending they won't.

No point worrying about it all now OP, you can't shove the baby back in.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 27/03/2024 14:34

Is it maybe not so much that your parents are judging you as they are worried for you? You've got a tough row to hoe, being young and with a child - workwise, social life wise, living arrangements wise. Perhaps your parents are more concerned about your future than they let on to you. That's not judging, that's what parents do.

mumstheword001 · 27/03/2024 14:35

OP, you are still SO young, there is time for you to get a good job. Your child should be the inspiration you need. Im speaking from experience and telling you with hard work and dedication it CAN be done.

Don't listen to the other person who told you it was a very stupid decision.

Original poster
LoyalFox · 27/03/2024 14:35

The child's dad is not involved either.

OP posts: