To worry that people judge me?

[LoyalFox]

Because I have a child when I am still very young myself. I am only 19 myself and already have a child (it wasn't planned). I worry that my parents judge me due, they never say anything directly to me that makes me think that they judge but I have overheard conversations between them both that make me think that they judge me. I also worry that my friends judge me as well for having a child so young. I worry that people (people who don't know us) who see us (me and my child) out and about also judge me for having a child so young. I don't know why I feel like this but I just worry that people are judging the fact that I am only 19 and already have a child.

Some people may judge you. But it is those that judge that have the problem. You are better than them. ❤

And I speak to someone who was once told on MN that they had names for girls like me when they were at school. Yep, we were great happy girls.

My mum was 31 when she had me and my dad was 33. Some of the comments I have overheard my parents saying to each other are things like: I wish she didn't have a child this young, why did she have to keep the pregnancy. Those are just 2 comments that I have overheard, I have heard them say a lot more.

Oh OP, I feel the sadness re your parents. Mine completely disowned me at sixteen and then both died, it hurt so much at times when I was young that they thought me and my daughter weren’t people to be proud of.
Maybe, as PP said, your parents are worried and it comes out wrong? It doesn’t make it acceptable and you can communicate that calmly to them.

Please take on board everything @MrsTerryPratchett says - she finds great words for important things.

Think differently in what way?

They may well think that, but OP could well prove them wrong.

I understand your worries OP. I had a baby at 21 and was unmarried. I felt like people would judge me (although my parents were extremely supportive) and worked hard to get in a good financial position and be the very best mum i could be etc.

You can be a good teenage mum and a child can give you the drive to want to improve your situation. Don't let the judgers or your parents get you down, they're just bitter about their own lives for some reason. Work on yourself and your future.

Best of luck.

Sure, it was quite young to have a child:l. But that doesn’t matter - what matters is how you respond to that. If you provide the best loving care you can for your child, work hard at providing for her the best you can- that’s really all people should worry about.

People judge you as a mum whatever you do - breast fed/ forumla, dummy/ no dummy, too strict / not strict enough. Sometimes as a mum it feels like you can't win!

For whatever its worth, I wouldn't jusge a young mum. I would think they're doing a fantastic job because I'm finding it hard at 30!!!

I've also found my mums generation is so judgey compared to mine! Idk, maybe my mum and her friends are just mean but there is always some sort of comment about me/my children/ their friends children etc.

Hope you are okay! 🩷

I think most people are far too busy with their own lives to "judge" anyone else. And if they do, then they are the lesser person.

I think people judge more for this and don't flame me my kids dad isn't involved either and I'm judged very harshly for this. People will judge, my sister had a baby at 16 of course people judge

Any person who judges you for his decisions is an idiot. And can safely be ignored.

Yep absolutely less judgment if you were married or with the father even the fact he doesn't see the child is what people will judge more than your age.

💯 this. I would judge any man who wasn't involved with their child.

You have stuck around and are doing the best you can! You should be proud of yourself ♥️

Would have thought it was obvious

Currently I work In a Supermarket. I passed my GCSES though, I failed 2 of my A-Levels but got a merit in my third A-level subject.

When I was 19 I had my first child and yes some people did judge me who really weren't in a position to judge anyone.
Your parents say things because it's highly likely they worry about you as any parent worries about their child. I doubt very much they are judging you.
Try and put these things out of your head and concentrate on yourself and your little one

Your parents are probably just sad as this isn’t the life they had imagined for you. You’ve made your choice now and so it’s time to be the best you can in these circumstances, not the circumstances that are no longer an option for you.

if I’m entirely honest, I’d be gutted if my daughters had a baby at 18, because I have worked so hard for them to have a great future and whichever way you look at it, it’s all harder with a baby in tow. I’d also be sad that you were going it alone, when I’d pictured you in a family unit.

Yes they will be judging you which is fine, people judge others for all sorts of reasons. You now have the chance to prove them right or wrong. Your parents will have been excited for your future and the person you were about to become and just as you get it that freedom is gone.

I had DD a few years older than you and have thoroughly enjoyed my parenting experience but I had a plan and career wise I am only one step down from others my age and most of them are starting to go on maternity so by the time they are back I'll be level with them.

You also need to make a plan, parenting one child hands on lasts around 20 years and there are key milestones when you get more independence to move to the next stage of your plan. You need to be in a position that by the time they are 16 you no longer need state support if you are currently claiming anything. In those 20 years you need to make a plan to get your life back on track to where it would be so by the time you are 40 actually, yourself and those women around you are at the same stage. If you are living with your parents, step up and pull your own weight with chores and contributing to the house they will respect you more.

You need to be focussed on your child and put the idea of boys/men out of your head for a good 10 years for this to really be successful, every subsequent child will put the plan back. Formulate your plan and think about What you value and what you want to achieve for yourself?
Can you drive?
Do you want a degree? OU takes 6 years for a part-time one, or university's offer family accomodation and childcare
What do you want to work as?

I don't think most people would judge you for your age, but they may judge if they see you making decisions that negatively impact your child. Eg. I judge mums/dads smoking with their young children or a parent swearing loudly at the school gates.

If you're a good mum doing your best and putting your child first, the vast majority of people will judge you positively. And your parents aren't judging you, I don't think. They're probably just sad your life didn't turn out the way they imagined, but you can still prove to them you can still lead a lovely happy life. I'm sure they're grateful for your child too, and may be more so as they watch them grow.

Working in a supermarket is great, it's very flexible and you can increase and decrease hours easier than some other jobs. But just because you work in a supermarket now doesn't mean you will work jn a supermarket forever.

It’s none of your business what other people think of you - live by that mantra. As long as you love your child and are giving them a happy home that’s what’s important. Don’t let your imagined thoughts spoil their childhood - it’s a precious time.

I get worried when going anywhere with my child that people who see us out are judging us. I don't let this stop me from taking my child out but it just plays on my mind while we are out. I wanted to take her on a little trip for a few days in March but I'm worried that people will judge us, like other people who are there who see us and so on.

I don't think your parents are judging you, not in the way you think anyway. I think most people, if they could choose a path for their child, would choose for them to be settled in a happy secure relationship and financially independent and secure before actively choosing to gave a child. Not for their sake but for yours. So they might just feel a bit sad for you that things are a bit harder for you than they otherwise could have been (eg you're doing all night wakings on your own instead of sharing them with someone else, or you're missing out on a uni experience).

Whilst they may have these feelings they are probably also immensely proud of how you're coping.

Whatever you do, please do not let your worries about what other people may think, limit your activites with your child.

You owe it to her to give her a well rounded childhood. Please don't let your concerns about the thoughts of others limit what you offer her.

You can't let other people's opinions stop you from doing things. You could be the baby's sister, au pair, Nanny whatever.

Also, and this is something that comes with age - you realize actually no one gives a fuck, they are so busy wrapped up in their own lives that all those things we are self conscious about others dont even notice.

Look.

You're 19 with a child. Is it something I'd have wanted or I'd want for my daughter? No, although certainly not the end of the world. I can think of things I'd be more worried about.

You have a job

You do the best you can for her because you want to take her on a trip

You have done your exams.

You're doing this without the dad.

Who gives a shit if anyone judges you? That says more about them than you. Let them judge while you and your child get on with life.

Parenting is hard work as it is and you worry about everything as it is. Don't give yourself something else to worry about by listening to comments that aren't supportive.

re your mum and dad - it doesn't sound like they're judging, perhaps just more worried in private that life is going to be more challenging for you at this age than they'd wanted?

Either way, maybe say to them that you've heard them talking about and whilst you agree Thu is is a situation that you never intended to find yourself in, you are doing your best and just need support and encouragement.