To worry that people judge me?

[LoyalFox]

Because I have a child when I am still very young myself. I am only 19 myself and already have a child (it wasn't planned). I worry that my parents judge me due, they never say anything directly to me that makes me think that they judge but I have overheard conversations between them both that make me think that they judge me. I also worry that my friends judge me as well for having a child so young. I worry that people (people who don't know us) who see us (me and my child) out and about also judge me for having a child so young. I don't know why I feel like this but I just worry that people are judging the fact that I am only 19 and already have a child.

Don't muddle concern for judgement regarding your parents, they may be really proud of you but just worried. I'm sure some people will judge you but I think this can be inevitable for mothers. The full time parent v SAHM endless debate is proof of this. I know many young Mums, growing up in Ireland in the 90s it wasn't uncommon to see girls your age with babies. The ones I know did well in life and were great parents. The most important thing is you don't judge yourself OP.

I had a baby at 21
Another at 30
And the last one at 40 🤷‍♀️
I'm sure I've been judged a million times but i don't care 🤷‍♀️
And neither should you.

I've only read your OP, so no doubt you'll already have received great advice. Respectfully, you're quite young, and probably just finding your way in the world. The harsh reality is that we're all being judged, all the time. As time goes on, you learn to just not care. You don't have the headspace to GAF. And actually it's very liberating! Just keep on keeping on, you're doing great.

Hi OP,
Please, please don't let societal expectations weigh you down. You haven't done anything wrong. You've grown a person, which is a wonderful gift.
I had my baby at 20, and the weight of other people's expectations led me to stay with their father who was abusive, for nearly 10 years. We had more children. Once I left I grew and grew. I went to university as a single parent. I learnt to drive. I got a better job. Now I have a mortgage and take my kids abroad on holiday.

You absolutely can do all those things and more. Be proud. You are the only mum she has. You haven't ruined your life, it's only just beginning! And you get to share it with not just anyone, but a tiny person to whom you are the whole world!
Hold your head high and book the trip.

Angela rayner, shadow deputy prime minister and Michelle o'neill, first minister of Northern Ireland - both had kids at 16 - to name just two. Being a young mum doesn't have to stop you doing anything, ignore the judgement

Honestly OP, I think people care far less than you think they do.

I might think to myself "Gosh, that's young to have a baby" but the thought would be gone in a nanosecond and I would be back to thinking about other things closer to my own life, like most people.

As for your parents, well be honest - if your child came to you at the age of 18 and said they / their girlfriend was pregnant you probably wouldn't be delighted would you? From a parent's point of view it's really not ideal but you would support them and get on with it like most parents do.

Try not to worry about other people so much and enjoy your baby.

Your parents might well be mortified if they knew you'd heard them speaking about the situation like that. They are probably just worried and a little bit thrown that this has happened and taking sometime to adjust. Are they supportive otherwise? How is their relationship with your daughter? Try not to worry about being judged. Women are judged whether they have babies young, old, at all, if they work, if they stay at home, if they're single, unmarried etc. There's always somebody thinking that your choices are wrong. Be proud of what you have achieved.

People will judge you whatever you do. Just get on with making a life you are proud of and ignore the opinions of others

I gave birth to DS less than 3 months after I turned 18.

The reality - yes, many people will judge you. You can't stop that.

The sad fact is, you will be under far more scrutiny than a middle class couple in their 30s. If you make a parenting fail there will be some people who will say it's because you're too young and don't know what you're doing.

You just have to learn not to care. That will come with time.

Exactly this

Please remember @LoyalFox that sometimes people feel that voicing worries to their partner helps them process a situation which they find difficult.

So if you overheard your parents say something such as
"why did she keep the baby?"
or some other such thing it could be a translation for:
" I'm feeling anxious about how things will turn out for loyalfox because I want the best for her. I wasn't properly prepared for this situation and the complete lack of control over it is not easy to get used to in a short space of time"

I know that many people judge because they live by a set standard of what they think is objectively good and what not.
However many many people don't have such a rigid view of things( myself included) and are able to see that life doesn't have to be the same for everyone, and it for make it any less valid.

This is great advice! OU is a great option. You can do it part time from home so very doable. Little steps everyday make a BIG difference.
I was in your position, I had no help with childcare, every night I studied for a hour or so and I managed to pass 7 pharmacy exams.

To have a better career is completely doable. Plan to do something little everyday to get your self to the goal you want.

get your self a notebook and write you 5 year plan-
break to down into smaller steps.
how will you get to that stage, work on it everyday.
I promise you can achieve anything with hard work and dedication.

I also have a criminal record so I feel that also adds to why my parents seem to judge me for having a child so young. I have turned my life around since my conviction though.

I understand that but the conversations that I overheard definitely sounded like they judge me for having a child so young.

How does OU work please? Is it possible to do with a child?

I'm trying my best to get rid of this worry about people judging me but I can't get it out of my head.

It might help to talk to someone about your feelings of shame and anxiety, particularly if it's impacting going out with your child.

Have a chat with your GP and see if they can offer you counselling.

OU is great for parents - it's very flexible. Take a look and chat to one of their advisors about your options x

I think whatever scenario you will feel judged. If you lack confidence in yourself, you will feel this whatever life you live.

I have a bad past, far removed from who i am by a decade. But i am still judged by people who knew me then.

I feel constantly judged over everything. My parenting, my clothes, my personality, real big hang up on my past. It gets worse as when people can sense this, they pick further, whether intentionally or not.

Long winded way to say, focus on yourself, your goals and your child. You will never escape feeling judged except when you don't care. Hell you could be a millionaire CEO and they will still find a way to judge you.

If you manage to totally care for your child without them having to take over it doesn't matter

People will judge you. You can’t do anything to change it. I had my first at 17, and went on to have two more. They’re amazing. They’ve grown up to be wonderful human beings; they all have professional jobs, the eldest two have bought their own homes, they’re kind, smart and funny. I’m very proud of them, and I’m a little bit proud of me too.

You will reach your 40s and suddenly develop a “couldn’t give a shit what people think of me” attitude. It’s such a waste at this age. I wish I could box it up and give it to you. Focus on you and your little one. Be a brilliant mum and be kind to yourself. They’ll be eating their words one day! x

I know someone who married at 18, had their first child at 19 (unplanned and whilst a FT student). She had four, home educates them, is an amazing mother. She sticks out in my mind because she's only 30 now.

A dear friend just became a grandmother for the 3rd time. She had her first at 20. Her own mother is still fit and healthy enough to stay with each granddaughter regularly in the first year of a new baby and very significantly help out.

You'll have energy and may well live to support not just your child in their adult life but also your grandchildren.

The OU offers free courses online on their free learning platform if you wanted to take a look.
Basically the OU offers distance learning for degree courses, taken part-time this lasts for 6 years but you can space it out over 16. Most of the content is now delivered completely online, you'll have a tutor group and a forum you can chat on and there maybe some group work involved. It is designed for those that have no formal qualifications, have families and work. I completed mine as a single parent to an autistic child whilst working full-time - I'm not saying that was a good move it almost killed me at times but it's definitely possible around a child

Module 1 level 1 is roughly GCSE level.
Module 2 Level 1 is roughly A level.
Module 1 level 2 is roughly year 1 at a standard university.
Module 2 Level 2 is roughly year 2 at a standard uni.
Level 3 is the same as a normal year 3 uni and you complete a dissertation or similar piece of work to get your Hons

You still get tuition fee loans which you'll have to pay back but they are less than if you attended a full-time course and obviously you don't have any additional accomodation fees. There maybe some grants or loans available for childcare.

You need to deal with your own feelings here though. It sounds like you have made some poor choices in the past, having a criminal record. Made decisions that your parents aren't necessarily proud of or which have taken you down a road they had not dreamed of for you when you were a little girl and they will be worried about you. Presumably your choice to have a child also impacts on them in supporting you and although I'm sure they love you both this may have changed how the saw their years in their 50s playing out.

You need to put your big girl pants on and accept the fact that yes, you are a young mum, yes you may have made choices in the past but now you are putting that behind you and going to be the best mum you can be. Yes, other people may look at you when out and about but let them look and think what a wonderful job you are doing.
Remember at this stage they have no idea whether you are mum, sister, au pair or a nanny and nor is it any of their business

Have a Google today and find all the mum and baby groups in your area. Start with the library and their Bounce and Rhyme sessions, these sessions are just as much about mum's connecting as anything else. Ask your HV for information on any Young Mums groups in the area (a person is a categorized as a Young Mum up to 25) and get some peers support.

People in general will always judge everything and everyone, nothing you can do about that, it's human nature.

You can however be 100% in control of how you feel about being judged by others. So put the focus on working through this.