To think that SAHP is a total waste of time

[shouldntbeonhereagain]

I have been a SAHP for 12 years I recently had an operation that has meant I am completely immobile ( 3 months or so ) Becoming disabled means suddenly everyone living around you, not with you. I have four young children, and methods previously used for getting things done, honed through 12 years of busy mothering, have become redundant. All of the silent, unnoticed and minute habits and processes which have become reflexes of my daily life, have stopped instantly and completely. My energy is taken up with achieving very small physical matters of existence, slowly. I wash , brush my teeth , get a cup of tea and push it with a special trolley to the window t get some fresh air. I don't do anything much for anyone else in my household. I simply can't. For the first time in my life, since having children, I have put my own needs first. No , it is not gloriously liberating it is painful and frustrating and depressing , and frightening and destabilising But it is also very revealing., You have to shout. a lot. Ultimately, the children are in charge in a newly terrifying way. I have to ask for everything, five, seven , twenty times; and maybe one in 12 might get done partially or badly. I can't wash my self, prepare or carry my own food, climb the stairs without help. My life was a never ending manic flow of drop offs, washing, cleaning , planning, anticipating, weeing at the same time as putting on a load of washing on and making a cub scout payment. Spelling tests and cleaning the floor and batch cooking school lunches while planning a costume and trying to do the online shop, fielding arguments, walking the dog, taking the bins our, cleaning the fridge, sorting the winter gloves basket, finding the lost goggles, ordering birthday cards, sitting through karate , brass band , play rehearsals, ballet class for one, packed sandwiches and reading practise with another. It was exhausting and totally relentless . I have spent over a decade feeling like a swirling angsty ball of stressful ever giving energy that can never finish its work , never give enough, never be done.
what is even weirder though is now that I can do none of that, things seem to be much the same for everyone else. So, what's happening? Seems I have tied my self in knots trying to defend how indispensable I am to family life Who will do this if I don't ? They just don't get it , you don't know until you have done it. etc. Yes, the house is a tip and everyone looses their socks, the skirting boards are sticky the dog is fed up and the garden is overgrown. Yes the children are eating fishfingers and not salmon parcels. But do any of them really care except me ? I feel like I have wasted a huge chunk of time and it ahs taken this injury to teach me, I am better off doing something of my own , no one will mind . They probably wont even notice. I feel stunned , and cheated , and foolish. AIBU?

Who is now doing all the washing, cooking, tidying, shopping? Etc you don’t really say, are the kids doing it after you shout at them 10 times?

So my husband is doing school /play group/club drop offs wirh some friend help (he WFH).We have a cleaner now for only 2 hours a week and the washing is sitting around/getting fished out of piles as needed by kids. I know someone has to do these things I guess it just never occured to me that it doesn't really matter like I thought it did how /when /to what standard. It seems to be only me who cares.

I'm so sorry you've been so unwell. I really hope you have a good prospect for recovery.

You write so beautifully about mothering. If we did none of this our children would be neglected and badly harmed. But yes I've felt much the same, finger or salmon parcel where is the line?

I've not got answers but I absolutely see you in these difficult questions.

I get it. In 2019 I started to suffer pain in my hips which suddenly became severe, and it turned out to be end stage osteoarthritis and I had to have both hips replaced. I was on crutches, unable to do everything I’d been doing for years as a SAHM. Struggling to cook because I couldn’t stand without holding on which left me without the hands I needed to prepare food. I couldn’t bend to do the washing or the cat litter. My husband was amazing but he was working long long hours and didn’t have the time to devote to it all that I’d previously had plus I had my own routines that I used to follow and everything used to flow like clockwork. The house got gradually messier and messier and we were so behind on the laundry, people raking through the piles to find what they needed. I eventually had both hips replaced a few months apart but the recovery was rough and took a long time for full recovery.

I just wanted to say I understand.

I want to say the same from a full time working mother perspective. Those who spent a lot of time at work, it's the same thing in a corporate. No one is indispensible. I have seen multiple redundancies and how people present their caeses saying their work is critical. It never is. Someone else will pick up the slack.

Same as at home. The kids and husband will find a way to live without you cleaning, cooking, packing lunches. It might mean they wear the same uniform 5 days a week, they eat ubereats and ready meals every day. But they will find a way.

However, at least I think your children and husband will notice all the work that you have done to make their life went smoother. You can't say the same in a company. That's why I won't put my work above my family.

Thankyou so much for your response. I know, on one level I am needed, and these jobs are important. I think it is the total shift, it's pretty startling and has left me reeling; because it has been EVERYTHING for so long. So utter. I just can't get over the feeling that the stress was self perpetuated! It feels like I've had a personality transplant. It makes me feel so much better to know others feel this way too. Best of luck to you with the impossible dilemma! X

,@shouldntbeonhereagain I think in your situation it's probably a lot of frustration. Generally when there is a return of a sahp to being out of the home more there is a lead in time and no dealing with a serious health issue. Be kind to yourself.

With the greatest of respect seeing a partner or parent so sick I wouldn't give a boot about the house. My concern would be for you as I am sure theirs is for you.

I found myself in a similar position a while ago. So I know where you are coming from. But I think your presence there is still helping to move everything along. I expect you are still reminding and issuing instructions even if you can’t physically do anything?

I hope you will recover soon and that this might be a call to make you feel more relaxed. I really do think your children and husband will notice their clothes aren't clean. And it's a good learning exercise for them to be more independent.

Don't be so harsh to think they don't notice. It really is different at work. I'm late 40s and cynical. The work does make a difference to the bottomline of the company, but if it's not in anyone's job specification, then it's not reported to anyone, so therefore not noticed that's not done.

You really can't say the same about food and clean clothes and clean home.

I really hope you see value in yourself who has kept your home clean and family well fed.

They really might not be saying anything and keeping a brave face on for you.

Thank you. It is so supporting to hear other people have been here. I hope you are OK now, that sounds very very difficult and painful. I have so much admiration for people living with disabilities especially with very young children; they are amazing.

I hear you. I've spent the past 15 years taking care of my dc and pandering to their every need. I remember when my ds was little, I did everything you're meant to...museums, libraries, visited castles blah blah blah...to have produced a teenager who spends his life on Xbox. Was it worth it I wonder?! 😂

I know a lot of the stuff is for me. The kids will survive if they have to pick a costume I can order on Amazon instead of making one. And we'll survive eating pasta 3 or 4 nights in a row, and on holidays we'll be fine not having nice clothes, or some clothes being too small, or having Chinese twice in a row. No one will die if the Christmas presents aren't wrapped or there's no family photos on the walls. But I also know it's nice. The same way we could get a McDonald's or go to a lovely restaurant. I know that I'm the icing on the cake, there'd still be a cake though.

And my bigger job is as a parent than a sahp. If I wasn't there they'd notice and it would leave a big hole. They value me more than the washing, cooking and ahem.... minimal cleaning.

I can so relate to this. I thought I was doing the right thing by being a SAHM . Totally focused on trying to create a wonderful childhood and home life for everyone . Fast forward to grown up kids that say that it is a shame I didn't work and have a career for myself.

Mothers can't win.

All that time you've been at home hasn't just been about all those practical jobs though - it's been about being present, listening, providing advice, helping them develop - such that they have the resilience to now cope with an unexpected situation like this. They could definitely have survived without you doing all that, but maybe you've helped them thrive.

And in that 12 years you got that precious time with your kids. The day in and day out. Yes you could have done something "for yourself" in that time but would you really have enjoyed it more? Would those years have been happier?

What a hard situation, OP. It sounds really destabilising and frustrating. What jumps out at me from your post is this: "I have spent over a decade feeling like a swirling angsty ball of stressful ever giving energy that can never finish its work , never give enough, never be done." I think this is more to do with a state of mind rather than being a SAHP. As other posters have said, I think a lot of us have felt like this at work too.

I know in the past I've found that periods of illness/recovery have given me a bit of perspective on my life and how I've been doing things. Although this sounds like a really hard spell, maybe some good will come out of it, as you are asking really powerful questions about what you want to do with your life from here on in. (Which absolutely doesn't mean stopping being a SAHP, but maybe thinking about how you want to go about it?)

I think this is a really thoughtful post. None of us are indispensable and the world won't end when we stop doing things. I think this is liberating to acknowledge and it alleviates the pressure that we all put on ourselves.

It is a step too far though to suggest that because we aren't dispensable then all we do is pointless. Of course it isn't. It matters that we do a good job at work or at home. You being a great SAHM would have enhanced your family's life and made things easier. Fishing clothes from a huge pile or having an unclean house isn't much fun! Practicing spellings and watching school shoes can matter enormously to children. They are coping without you being able to do all that you used to do but they literally have no other choice really.

I became disabled in 2014.

My kids did not say anything at the time, but they really did notice. They had to become much more independent quickly and they really valued what I had been doing.

They did not say it to me as it would have upset me.

Your kids will cope. But it doesn't mean what you did before wasn't worth it.

I understand OP - I've felt exactly the same sense of foolishness at one point.

But I think there is a lot of different things going on inside this feeling. There's a kind of rage at the lack of appreciation. A feeling of foolishness for fearing the judgement of others if you are insufficiently good at woman-ing. A feeling of ridiculousness at caring about the parcelness of the salmon (ie the superficial stuff, how it looks - not the fact that they have salmon rather than processed food).

But also a deep sadness that the salmon parcels are considered to be of a piece with the really fucking important stuff that you have been doing. We have all seen posts on here from women who themselves grew up in chaotic, dirty, messy, hoardy houses and the impact on them has certainly been serious. They felt ashamed and embarrassed and destabilised and scared.

And in my experience, a real and lasting rage at your OH for looking the other way so often, and for failing to take any of this on his shoulders.

I am sorry for your situation and hope you can recover soon. I understand what you are saying.

As someone with grown DC, I really cannot emphasize enough how much women should do something for themselves and not wait till retirement. Please put yourself first, at least sometimes. Let the kids sort themselves out.

OP things that are OK in a short term emergency situation and not OK long term. Your family might muddle through, with the help of friends, for a while. But without your contribution in the background, it would eventually unravel.

I grew up in a chaotic shit tip and it was horrible.

Sure, I survived. I had clean clothes (picked from the bottom of the crumpled pile on the sofa). And was fed, albeit ready meals or take away. But I wish I'd had someone there giving a shit that my clothes were ironed and I was eating enough veg.

Don't underestimate how valuable your contribution is.

I was a SAHP/part time parent all my post kids life.. Dh was in the forces and we just didn't have any support around to enable me to have a career... I did try..went back to Uni to do an OT degree...then he got sent to Iraq and I had to pull out as no child care... since then I have been a TA to fit around the kids' needs and my disabled youngest's needs.
Now they are all adults and I look back and feel a bit pathetic for not having a career. Instead I'm still working part time and looking after my grandchild toddler the rest of the week.

BUT the kids have told me very clearly that my being there for them MATTERED (I've talked about it with them, mostly because both of my daughters are in high flying medical careers). Me being there to help them learn, encouraging them through their GCSEs , reading the Shakespeare with them, keeping a clean , calm home and driving miles to their universities when the needed Mum after a breakup. And now, without me still doing the caring for my dgs dd2 simply couldn't do the incredible job she does.

So I do feel sadness for not fullfilling my own dreams but I don't feel rage... I guess acceptance is how I feel.

BUT... now I'm nearer 60 I DO make time for me.. the house is a bit more neglected while I learn to play the piano and spend blissful hours in my allotment... that IS important.

But what you did WAS worth it.

What I read into this is that 3!!! people are currently doing the things you did. And even then it isn’t getting done!

So don’t underestimate the contribution you made. I work full time and this stuff gets done-after a fashion, but involves help and favors and a lot of looking the other way when things are a tip/washing needs doing/kids are eating less-than ideal food.

And now you have had to take a step back you can see you have also given them coping skills and the ability to get through when circumstances change.

well done! You have done a great job!

What matters most is not what you do. Relationships are what really matter. All the time you were "doing", you were also teaching values and showing that you cared. You are still doing that. The greatest gift we give our children as parents is the gift of ourselves. You are irreplaceable because you are still Mum.