To think that SAHP is a total waste of time

[shouldntbeonhereagain]

I have been a SAHP for 12 years I recently had an operation that has meant I am completely immobile ( 3 months or so ) Becoming disabled means suddenly everyone living around you, not with you. I have four young children, and methods previously used for getting things done, honed through 12 years of busy mothering, have become redundant. All of the silent, unnoticed and minute habits and processes which have become reflexes of my daily life, have stopped instantly and completely. My energy is taken up with achieving very small physical matters of existence, slowly. I wash , brush my teeth , get a cup of tea and push it with a special trolley to the window t get some fresh air. I don't do anything much for anyone else in my household. I simply can't. For the first time in my life, since having children, I have put my own needs first. No , it is not gloriously liberating it is painful and frustrating and depressing , and frightening and destabilising But it is also very revealing., You have to shout. a lot. Ultimately, the children are in charge in a newly terrifying way. I have to ask for everything, five, seven , twenty times; and maybe one in 12 might get done partially or badly. I can't wash my self, prepare or carry my own food, climb the stairs without help. My life was a never ending manic flow of drop offs, washing, cleaning , planning, anticipating, weeing at the same time as putting on a load of washing on and making a cub scout payment. Spelling tests and cleaning the floor and batch cooking school lunches while planning a costume and trying to do the online shop, fielding arguments, walking the dog, taking the bins our, cleaning the fridge, sorting the winter gloves basket, finding the lost goggles, ordering birthday cards, sitting through karate , brass band , play rehearsals, ballet class for one, packed sandwiches and reading practise with another. It was exhausting and totally relentless . I have spent over a decade feeling like a swirling angsty ball of stressful ever giving energy that can never finish its work , never give enough, never be done.
what is even weirder though is now that I can do none of that, things seem to be much the same for everyone else. So, what's happening? Seems I have tied my self in knots trying to defend how indispensable I am to family life Who will do this if I don't ? They just don't get it , you don't know until you have done it. etc. Yes, the house is a tip and everyone looses their socks, the skirting boards are sticky the dog is fed up and the garden is overgrown. Yes the children are eating fishfingers and not salmon parcels. But do any of them really care except me ? I feel like I have wasted a huge chunk of time and it ahs taken this injury to teach me, I am better off doing something of my own , no one will mind . They probably wont even notice. I feel stunned , and cheated , and foolish. AIBU?

I don't think its this simple

SAHP are needed more when children are younger, when they need you to sit and painstakingly hear them sound out a book, when they can't so much as pour the milk on the cereal etc. Its quite a personal, caring role - they need a parent.

As they get older and more independent, it can become a different, more outsourceable set of activities. More of a housewife & administrator. How much "work" that is really depends, well trained kids will do their homework or music practise without the nagging, a husband who does his share will run the washing & kids can put it away themselves, payments for activities can be largely set on direct debit or take seconds on a phone app. Then it comes down to if you expect the house to be like a show home, every meal to be a gourmet triumph.... these may be your requirements but for many people they just aren't necessary.

Get well, delegate tasks and look after yourself!

@Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong

I feel everyone relies on me for everything yet no one even cares if I exist.

This sums it up for me perfectly

This is not a working mums v stay at home mums thread. Hopefully most parents who work get told they're doing a good job sometimes, and feel they contribute financially to the household. They probably don't get told they're doing a good "parent' job either. The point is, a SAHP never gets told they do a good job for anything, and is quite draining on self esteem and self worth

@shouldntbeonhereagain

Beautifully written and hope you get better really soon

Everything and nothing, what a perfect description, this is exactly how I feel sometimes without being able to articulate it. I work PT and I often think oh why don’t I just go FT again and get the better work and the promotions and earn more. But then I sit with the DCs after school and we have a long sunny afternoon of books and crafts and watching tv together and I want that for me as well as them.
Interesting thread OP, I really hope you feel better soon.

I feel life has a funny way of making you STOP! Stop doing everything for everyone. It seems you needed to slow down.

Being a mum can be incredibly isolating, overwhelming and thankless. You want (need) to do everything but actually you don't. Take this time to evaluate what you need/want out of life.

I was like you, an it made me very ill. I had no other choice. So, I wish you well in your healing from your operation..

OP I can relate. I was hit by a car and paralysed when my ds was 2. DH had to be single handed for 4 months, lead parent for another 10 really and I am only just being able to take ds out indepdently and even then, I would be very cautious what activities I offer as I cannot run and he can easily disappear.

i remember that for 8 months I couldn’t hold anything in both hands. Watching the piles of mess around the house and not being able to even stack the dishwasher was a massive source of frustration and I found pacing myself very hard. But you do start to realise what is important and not.

unlike you I didn’t have a massive whirlwind and systems but I have started to develop more tidy methods to help us keep order. And I’ve let my husband entirely take over the shopping and laundry - though I do cook and fold and put away.

sending healing for a speedy recovery!

I had just been supporting a friend recovering from major surgery and his kids have long left home. I had advised him to book some domiciliary care post op. Either 2 hours a day or every other day.
I went through post op recovery 12 years ago alone and my op scar burst. It took 3 years to get the large insitional hernia fixed. Don't do too much post op and possibly get daily adult help.

I hear you as a single mum who stayed home. However they do notice really, just because you've been so efficient they've not had to help much, is all.

Glad your husband can do some things anyway!

So far 63% think SAHP is a total waste of time. Interesting.

Sorry to hear you’re unwell op. I think having to take care of kids when you have any kind of illness or physical issue is one of the worst thing about being a parent, when you absolutely need to put yourself first.

However, all of the things you mention are things that working parents do too. You sound a bit like a martyr tbh.

I totally get the feeling of being unappreciated, as a woman, as I think mums do really carry the mental load. Nothing to do with whether the parent works or not.

It’s also about teaching the kids to get things done. My DS is 3 and a little terror, but he still puts his clothes in his washing basket and gets a tissue to wipe up dinner he has spilled.

Like most things OP, the truth is the the middle. There will be tasks you did that are now not getting done at all, and if not an immediate problem, will build up over time. There are other tasks that will have fallen to others making their lives more stressful. On the other hand, there will be things you did that weren't necessary and no one but you even noticed, and things you were doing for others that they could and should have been doing themselves. I hope when you recover you're able to strike a balance of completing essentials, sharing the load with your family, and perusing your own goals.

You have gone from being very busy and the centre of the household to physically incapacitated and on the periphery. It’s giving you time to ruminate on the past which can be beneficial , but equally not.

i don’t think it really matters how you spent the last 10+ years you are at a particularly challenging point of your life where you would naturally be questioning your choices. You could have written about a full time job, listed out everything you did there and how you didn’t feel appreciated.

Life is ultimately filling our time before we die, as adults most of what we do is driven by necessity, obligation and expectation. It’s what we do for ourselves alongside that which will ultimately determine how fulfilled we are. It looks different for everyone. Use this time to think about what’s important to you and your family and make sure you are able to carve out time for what’s important to you alongside all the general adulting.

The inherent value of something like cleaning or cooking more healthily is something DH and I are having a live discussion about right now.

He is not lazy by any means, in particular arouns the infrastructure of the house.He fixes things the second they break and will go to the shed and get paint and touch up a paint chip, restring a blind or change a lightbulb the absolute second he notices them. (I would not!).

But he sees me as very martyrish about getting the washing through, cleaning the bathroom, tidying up and sorting through clothes and bedroom stuff etc. I have actually quite low standards of cleaning. I have never for example mopped the kitchen floor. (I think the cleaner probably does it about once every 6 months, we just hoover it weekly and wipe up any spills).

But I feel a bit low when I get up at the weekend and see piles of toys, papers, unwiped surfaces. He is happy to do stuff gradually in a chill way through the weekend and if it doesn't get done it doesn't really matter. There'll be dirty plates in the sink after lunch, we will clean up then, so why clean the sink at 10am? would be his thought. The cleaner is on leave this week so does it matter if the bathroom isn't cleaned or sheets not changed? I'm quite realistic and good at judging how bad it is really and it's never less than t/10 on a show home scale. But it's never more than 7/10 even at tidiest either.

I genuinely feel if we can have a tidy house we are helping the children see and experience what a clean calm surroundings is like, which matters to me because I'm naturally rather messy and I feel overwhelmed at the idea everything isn't sorted.

I also know I am internalising these things as something inherently worthy. But I really don't know which of us is right.

I don't think it's a waste of time, i do think it's a waste of potential. You can be a mum but you can also be so much more. The kids will grow up and move away and have their own lives and then what are you left with?

I'm sorry you're going through this. Please be mindful of how this may affect the your children too. My parents are disabled. I had to care for them and it's hard work. Your children may feel sad and detach from you mentally. You may find that they leave home quite early, like me and my siblings. As there's nothing more hard work than caring, because it's non stop. Be kind and make time talking to them. Acknowledge and appreciate anything they do for you. I wish you all the best.

How old are your children? Isn’t the fact everyone’s just getting on with it down to the fact you’ve shown them how it’s all meant to be done for the past 12 years? Kids pick up habits even when we don’t notice.

Did they actually say this to you?? This sounds like one for the devaluation of motherhood thread.

As they get older they definitely value your job more! Dd wistfully mused what a shame it is that I am not Charlotte tilbury or Kate moss! Being a solicitor is certainly not on the list of teen cool parent jobs.

I had a bit of a brainwave a year or so ago when I was trying to work out whether to go for it with my career or sit back and do something easier to fit with family life.

I realised that I was trying to give my kids the best possible upbringing so they can achieve their dreams in life. This seemed to imply I should not push my career because then I couldn't give the best support to my kids. But I suddenly also realised that my mum had given up her career in order to give me and my siblings the best opportunities in life. So if I gave up my own career dreams I would somehow be betraying my mum's career sacrifice. And I realised it is a cycle that perpetuates down the years in generations of women.

Having two daughters I decided to go for my career and try and be a good enough mum around that. I've survived a long commute for 4 years with young kids and now have a fulfilling career I love near home. I'm happy because I love my work and my kids seem happy too. In my more senior role I now have a bit more time to be present in their lives which is so lovely. They're emotionally close to their dad who has always worked near home. Me having my commute has meant he's stepped up and also we are lucky to have grandparents nearby. However it has to be said the house is a mess and I'm not really on top of school emails. Amongst other things!

It's a different balance for everyone, be kind to yourself. SAHP means your children will have the most amazing childhood and that is such a gift.

It's probably worth thinking about this now anyway, as it's never too late to choose to add something. I've got some health issues atm but hopefully they should be under control in 4 months when meds all kick in. I've realised how hard it is being tired all the time/feeling unable to do things and it's given me a bit of a zest to do some more charity work. I'm going to volunteer for a few places when I feel more able. Maybe it's a push to start some study/volunteering or something?

Oh how l so relate.
My ex through me under a bus and left me for dead. He got jailed for attempted murder.
When l came round from my coma my children luckily were staying at their Grandparents.
I became disabled over night.
I had a carer a cleaner and family / friends.. but l also became a single parent.
Over the years l have got much much better.
My daughters were most helpful but l never put pressure on them to become my carers..
There became a time.. a good many years when l was more able and we became a better family.. going on holidays etc .
It's only as l have got older things have got worse for me.
I am 66 and this happened when l was early 30s.
Yes l did get a big payout ( took 16 years) and became a millionaire..bought 3 houses for myself and both daughters.. and money is there for when they need it.
But l still have therapy all these years later.
I taught myself to balance food on my walker.
Have a little stool on wheels in the kitchen.
Have a stairlift.. and wet room.. every aid actually that helps.
Surprising what aids there is out there.
I sincerely hope you feel better soon and wish you a speedy recovery. 💐

It's one thing your kids muddling through fine at this age, following a stable and attentive upbringing. It would have been entirely different if they were living like that from a young age.
You absolutely didn't waste those years, you helped them develop to this point.

Hey @shouldntbeonhereagain just wonder how you're getting on now. It's been quite a while. Are things that used to be done your way now happening in a better way? Has it all settled down into a different routine?