To think that SAHP is a total waste of time

[shouldntbeonhereagain]

I have been a SAHP for 12 years I recently had an operation that has meant I am completely immobile ( 3 months or so ) Becoming disabled means suddenly everyone living around you, not with you. I have four young children, and methods previously used for getting things done, honed through 12 years of busy mothering, have become redundant. All of the silent, unnoticed and minute habits and processes which have become reflexes of my daily life, have stopped instantly and completely. My energy is taken up with achieving very small physical matters of existence, slowly. I wash , brush my teeth , get a cup of tea and push it with a special trolley to the window t get some fresh air. I don't do anything much for anyone else in my household. I simply can't. For the first time in my life, since having children, I have put my own needs first. No , it is not gloriously liberating it is painful and frustrating and depressing , and frightening and destabilising But it is also very revealing., You have to shout. a lot. Ultimately, the children are in charge in a newly terrifying way. I have to ask for everything, five, seven , twenty times; and maybe one in 12 might get done partially or badly. I can't wash my self, prepare or carry my own food, climb the stairs without help. My life was a never ending manic flow of drop offs, washing, cleaning , planning, anticipating, weeing at the same time as putting on a load of washing on and making a cub scout payment. Spelling tests and cleaning the floor and batch cooking school lunches while planning a costume and trying to do the online shop, fielding arguments, walking the dog, taking the bins our, cleaning the fridge, sorting the winter gloves basket, finding the lost goggles, ordering birthday cards, sitting through karate , brass band , play rehearsals, ballet class for one, packed sandwiches and reading practise with another. It was exhausting and totally relentless . I have spent over a decade feeling like a swirling angsty ball of stressful ever giving energy that can never finish its work , never give enough, never be done.
what is even weirder though is now that I can do none of that, things seem to be much the same for everyone else. So, what's happening? Seems I have tied my self in knots trying to defend how indispensable I am to family life Who will do this if I don't ? They just don't get it , you don't know until you have done it. etc. Yes, the house is a tip and everyone looses their socks, the skirting boards are sticky the dog is fed up and the garden is overgrown. Yes the children are eating fishfingers and not salmon parcels. But do any of them really care except me ? I feel like I have wasted a huge chunk of time and it ahs taken this injury to teach me, I am better off doing something of my own , no one will mind . They probably wont even notice. I feel stunned , and cheated , and foolish. AIBU?

I think this is the difference between perfect parenting and good enough parenting. Good enough is going to lead to happier family members. In my opinion.

You've been a SAHM for 12 years though, so your kids are now teenagers or close to it - this is exactly the age when they can slowly start looking after themselves, and the job of mothering shifts more to helping them/letting then do that. It's a totally different situation to if they were toddlers or even 7 or 8. I don't think you wasted your time at all. But I don't think it's a bad thing if they have now to learn to cope a little bit, otherwise maybe you would still be running yourself ragged for them in like 5 or 6 years when they are grown adults.
I've been through similar - went back to work when my kids were nine and a half. They're now 12. Every time one of them figures out how to do something without my help because I wasn't there, I feel slightly guilty. But it is actually good for them.

@shouldntbeonhereagain you write beautifully so there js a career path there!
I agree. Most of what we do as mothers unfortunately seems to be for ud than our children.
I think they are too young to express it. I know my kids - adult and late teens, appreciate having us around even if they are not with us in the same room. I get thanked for the meals I cook and for the lifts here and there.
However, my kids also like me being a working mum. And fortunately, I have been able to pick roles that don't impact on them too much.

I was disabled for 6 months after surgery and I had also been working. I realised normal home life that was most important.
I had so many relatives step up to help but it wasn’t the same and was chaotic and unsettling at times.
My children seemed okay but were coming to terms with me being so ill but that didn’t transfer to them always being helpful as they were upset too. It caused them real trauma.
I felt disconnected from family life at times, just living for you sounds so hard.
Please understand that you are vital and your time was not wasted.
Much of what you did will look impossible to you now but if your health and energy returns you’ll find you will pick it up again. However, ensure you do more of what makes you happy.

Soonenough I think probably when our DC were young it was more common than. The current trend for working mums means our choices are questioned.i am similar in you .I look back on those times with great affection though.

Sorry to hear about your health struggles and I’m hoping this recent experience has inspired you to do something more meaningful for yourself.

I think what you articulate is what I’ve often thought about SAHP; much of what you describe is what ALL parents have to do ON TOP of their day jobs but you find SAHP do as you did which is feel the need to loudly defend it as a ‘proper job’ because of that creeping concern that no one really notices it or values it.

kids will value seeing their mother as a capable person able to juggle both domestics and a job; contributing to society by paying taxes and having their own identity will feel less futile. There’s still time for you now you’ve had that moment of realisation - it’s exciting to think what you might do next and how proud your kids will be !

I hope you recover soon.

i worked 0.3, 0.5 now 0.9.
I think you have to accept some things are your choice. I run myself ragged trying to be the best mother I can be despite work and it’s exhausting and yes it’s what I believe is best. What you do does matter but perhaps now is time to encourage them to do more, not because you can’t do it, but to help them become more independent.

There's obviously 2 issues here - disability and being a sahm.
You have my absolute sympathy for your health situation.
Outside of that, aren't your children old enough to help with the running of the household? Even if it's to have 1 task each.
I have 2 lots of gc. 1 lot put on and take off their shoes, and put them away. Ditto with their coats. The elder helps the younger. This is at pre-school age. The 2nd lot have to have everything done for them.
It must be worrying for them to see what you are going through, and they would feel better by helping.
Secondly, I was a sahm. It was often boring and lonely but why have children if you're going to pay someone else to bring them up? There's a lot of unhappy, badly-behaved youngsters out there and imo some of it is because of this.
But - I don't think it has to be the woman. I have 2 house husbands in my family.
And (sorry, long post) I'm well aware that most people have to work.
I strongly feel that parenting isn't valued enough.

And, I also think after school clubs are generally a complete waste of time. Why not tell your children you're too ill to take them? In this situation surely they'll understand

I agree with previous posters. You have been doing a worthwhile job which will have made a difference but please do also consider a career in writing - that was a really well written and thoughtful post.

I thought you were saying there was no adult to do anything but I see you have a husband so that's good. Probably the DC would help more if they needed to.

I think I know where you are coming from, though. Some years ago I had a mental breakdown and was hospitalised. I had been doing everything because I thought there was no other option. Turns out actually, their dad really stepped up when he needed to.

I am in my 60s. I still get a feeling of deep security from how my mum ran our household while l was in Primary School. We had a large family. But her being in her routine..going that extra mile with homemade dessert/ homework help/ lifts here there and everywhere/ listening to my long winded stories about school etc..it still brings a warm feeling to my heart. She wasn't perfect but she was a solid presence.
So believe me your efforts have put something solid in your kids that will stay there for life. Yes it is the same for working mums but this is how you have chosen to do it and it seems to have gone unnoticed but the inner bit is there.
Maybe when you feel better start to take more time for yourself..fun time but otherwise know you are doing good.

I would think they’ll notice even more how much you do! Huge hugs op, I think you might be overthinking due to the tough time you’re having. Hope it all gets easier x

I think in years to come the kids (and probably your husband ) are going to remember the slightly awful/weird time mum was poorly and the house went to rat shit!!
You seem to have taken the opposite view to me a decided nothing you have been doing has had any value but if you being unwell has proved anything it has been that you are indispensable!
You currently have 1 husband, 3 kids and a cleaner trying (and let's be honest, failing) to do everything you have done for the last 12 years by yourself.

Of course the kids are surviving without salmon parcels, no one ever died from getting fish fingers instead but there is a huge difference between surviving and thriving. Your kids have had an amazing start in life any you should be thrilled with that.
As it happens I work full time but I still take immense pride in my kids being well fed, well turned out and having the opportunity to (be driven sodding miles) do extra curricular and hobbies, if I left work tomorrow they would be inconvenienced for a few months....the family comes first and that's what you have been doing.

@Muthaofcats this, 100%

OP, knowledge is power. You now realise that eg it's ok to sometimes have fish fingers instead of salmon parcels

When you recover, I hope you will carve out time to do more than the SAHM tasks, for your own benefit

@junebirthdaygirl I like your description of your Mum

But you don't have to be a SAHM to do what you described

Just to concur with this - a SAHP can be particularly important to forces children, as it provides the safety and stability of a parent who is always there.

For the OP- sorry you're having a rough time recovering from surgery. Hopefully as you start to feel better, instead of feeling resentful about those previous years, you can reflect on which bits of them you want to go back to, and what you want to change. Maybe keep the cleaner? Maybe your older children can take more responsibility for the laundry? Maybe your partner can stay doing more of the drop offs? And what do you want instead? To volunteer? To get a fabulous new hobby? To find a rewarding part time job?

Instead of feel trapped and frustrated by your weakness, maybe use the resting time to do some thinking about what you'd really like...

Secondly, I was a sahm. It was often boring and lonely but why have children if you're going to pay someone else to bring them up?

Do you think the working partners of sahms should not have had kids as they are essentially paying their partners to look after the kids during the working day? Are they not bringing their children up? I imagine some of the dads you are condemning here would disagree with your cliched comment!

OP I wish you a good recovery. It’s horrid being in pain and you must feel scared to lose your mobility. Also if you are used to being active, then all this extra thinking time is not always a good thing.

I also think if you are bright and motivated, then you fill the time with tasks, vital and not so important and feel like you have to complete those to the best standard. Sounds like that’s what you were doing. Of course not all of it was needed, but you were striving to do your very best. I admire that!

I have always worked but still know I did lots of extra tasks as a mum that were often about me and my standards rather than the kids. But that’s ok!

What's scary to me, is that I'd be on my own - as a single parent - with no other adult to step up.
You have your husband and are under no financial pressure to return to work.
And your contribution - even if it means doing less and just being there - DOES matter! It must be very hard though, I get it. And let's face it, we're good at being hard on ourselves no matter what!
Best wishes in your recovery

My mum had a couple of serious operations when we were young. It was at those times that my brother and I learned some independence and my dad started doing more. She worked but p/t and term time only (supply teacher). While she was in recovery from a spinal operation I learned how the washing machine worked, how to cook basic meals, my dad taught me to iron school shirts. It was a really important time in our lives. My mum went on after that to go to night school and start a second career.

Just remember that people can put up with anything for a short time period. It's over the longer term when cracks start to show.

In the short term, the kids and OH will be "happy" with ready meals, tins and packets, takeaways, etc., they'll be happy wearing clothes for longer between washes, unironed clothes, etc. They'll be happy living in a slightly less clean home, the costs of ready meals and takeaways, costs of not shopping around for better TV/mobile/insurance/utilities contracts won't be noticed, they won't notice the garden in the early stages of it becoming an overgrown jungle, missing a school trip payment or some missing school supplies or equipment will be just shrugged/laughed off.

In the longer term, they'll start to miss the home cooking and variety, they'll start to notice the house isn't a clean when it starts getting sticky, dirty marks, stains on carpets, cobwebs etc. OH will start to notice there's less money in the bank because they're overpaying on household/car contracts, takeaways, convenience shopping, etc. They'll all start to notice when clothes get ruined by being put into the wrong wash or get burned by ironing on the wrong heat. They'll start to get annoyed at not having the correct/smart school uniform/sports kit/equipment etc when their school friends start to make comments etc.

I can assure you that the cracks will start to show as time passes.

Oh op you sound like you have had a major trauma which will take time to recover from physically and mentally, and this sudden change of circumstances will be tricky. But I don’t think thise years have been a waste. You have been and are a fantastic mum, you have inbuilt good eating habits, the fish fingers for now is no issue, but a good diet as a child sets up a healthy adult, the ultra organisation has made for a smooth non shouty household in the years when the children were small and couldn’t fish their own clothes from piles. Op i am you, I have colour coded drawers, alphabetical books and named coat hooks. I do know that primarily I am the only one to care but I do it cuz it makes me happy, because I hate the stressful mornings of someone not finding something. But I also know I can have a week off and the world won’t fall apart, I’ve not been well this week, just a virus so nothing like you, but I’ve checked out and been off sick! You’re right, it’s a mess, no one os that concerned and I will put it back to rights when I want to- because that’s my choice. I do find that stuff gets progressively worse- so afew weeks ‘off’ os ok but longer and life really descends into chaos, so you’re super organising has stood you in good shape for this recovery period. When you are better do what you want, because you want to, not because you have to. Take care

This is very true

Definitely agree! I do most of those things and have worked as well.