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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A mother in law one…and a baby.

72 replies

firstimemum23 · 27/03/2024 08:26

I am over half way pregnant with our first and MIL’s third grandchild. DH is low to no contact due to being the scapegoat child and his sister the golden child. There is another child in this who keeps to himself but still speaks with his parents - DH was middle.

DH and MIL came to a head at our wedding which was the final straw. She behaved appallingly and it turns out that before the wedding she told every one of his family how she wishes he’d left me at the alter. She thinks I’m the one making DH feel the issues from childhood rather than the many years he’s expressed his feelings along with the many sessions of EMDR therapy. (“Therapists make you believe anything even that you’ve been sexually abused” according to his dad)

I am not telling MIL before the birth about the child. We will not post anything on SM at any point anyway, and only those we see in person know. My parents know and are desperately excited and wonderful to both of us about their first grandchild. DH agrees with this because he understands that they’d just put more pressure on us.

However, DH and I disagree on HOW to tell in laws when baby is here. I suggested that we send a text to his whole family (none of them know) upon the birth and also set times they can come and visit. They all live up North.

DH wants to instead plan an “event” with an unknown reason behind it and ask them to come - somewhere up North. I have said that this sounds awful to me. His reasoning is that we can make excuses about needing to leave to escape the situation. However, they know where they live and they could easily just knock on our door one day. I also don’t want to travel hours in the first month of the baby’s life (if I even can, dependent on the birth!) so baby would only meet them when a few months old which I feel will have more repercussions.

DH is mainly worried about what they say. He wants to appease them as much as possible which I think is impossible given their behaviour and narcissism. DH (and mainly me) will ALWAYS be the bad guy.

I would feel guilty keeping Baby from their knowledge for longer than a week or so of him being here.

thoughts?

OP posts:
BeardieWeirdie · 27/03/2024 08:30

In the early PP days, what mum says, goes. I wouldn’t be seeing the awful woman at all if I were you, especially not when vulnerable - stitches, tired, hormones, leaking milk. After her stunt at your wedding, she’ll probably be telling people next she wishes you’d died in labour.

BaronessBomburst · 27/03/2024 08:33

Just send a text. DH's idea is ridiculous. Why would you want to be there in person when they find out? It's going to be a drama either way; keep them at distance.

InTheShallowTheShalalalalalalalow · 27/03/2024 08:37

To some degree I think it's up to DH to decide the best to tell them, it's his family and he's the one who will be mainly dealing with the fall out.

However you can decide you aren't travelling. Tell hom that, then he can base his choices around that.

VickyEadieofThigh · 27/03/2024 08:40

His "idea" sounds like an Agatha Christie plot!

It's utterly ludicrous.

JPGR · 27/03/2024 08:41

No need to make it dramatic or complicated. I would send out a text to all announcing the happy news. Let people contact you individually if they want to visit. Lay down boundaries from the start. You really won’t want people there during the first weeks. As a scapegoat child I was always fantasising of situations where my parent would suddenly realise how wonderful I was. It never happened. Once I realised that whatever I did they wouldn’t like me any more it became easier. I just got on with my life. I know it’s hard for your husband but he will soon have his own little family unit and won’t need his toxic mother.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 27/03/2024 08:41

I would just get DH to text when baby is born.
“Delighted to announce the birth of our first child today. Here’s Eliza!”
And attach a photo.

Done ✔️

IAmThe1AndOnly · 27/03/2024 08:45

Hang on, so they don’t even know you’re pregnant?

This TBH says everything about the relationship you/your DH don’t have with his family and as such his idea is ridiculous.

I wouldn’t even agree to them visiting based on the above, just send a text saying that you’ve had a baby and attach a picture. The end.

wateraddict · 27/03/2024 08:50

Very young babies cannot be in travel systems for long without a break so if it is a long journey, that is reason alone, not to go anywhere. I would encourage your husband to look up or discuss with the midwife team exactly what the first couple of months might mean for symptoms for you, and the kind of support a newborn needs. The needs of mum and baby can then be considered against the needs of family being told. When you've not had a baby before you don't know what it means for you and it's hard to make an informed decision until you are aware, or even in the thick of it. But in a nutshell, there's absolutely no way I would be travelling to share news face-to-face.

As people have said they could just rock up any time once they know, as they know where you live. Managing expectations about seeing the baby generally sounds like the main problem here, not how you tell them. It's easy enough to share the news, but a solid plan about managing those expectations and deciding if and when you're happy to receive visitors is just as important. Good luck

blacksocks33 · 27/03/2024 08:52

I would just tread carefully OP.
There will be a deal out and emotions regardless how you do this.
You don't want this to shadow/impact that beautiful baby bubble of yours..... and it will. MIL sounds vicious, it could get very nasty. You shouldn't have to deal with that with a new baby.

They're going to find out regardless, I'd just tel them and let the dust settle before the baby is here.

blacksocks33 · 27/03/2024 08:53

*fall out.

WandaWonder · 27/03/2024 08:56

To me it would be up to my husband l, how I told my family was up to me

Babies can travel the world doesn't stop when a baby is born, but every aspect can be used as an excuse if people want

Crazycrazylady · 27/03/2024 09:03

Honestly your dh might need to prepare himself for the fact that they might not really care all that much. Children of thr scapegoat child tend to be of little value to these type of parents. It sounds like your dh has a secret fantasy about them apologising and grovelling in order to get close to his child. That simply won't happen I'm afraid. At best it be will be more of what he endured previously ie other grandchildren treated better than your child.

I'd send a breezy text once baby is here and established and I'd leave it there .

Nevermind31 · 27/03/2024 09:07

He really won’t have the time it energy to plan an event. Plus, a tiny baby really does not need to be exposed to loads of people like that, and handed round from stranger to stranger.

Sass53271 · 27/03/2024 09:08

You mentioned sexual abuse? Not from his family I assume? Otherwise, presumably you wouldn't be letting them know at all!

Bumpinthenight · 27/03/2024 09:12

I'd send an announcement card without a photo. A text means they'll text back or you will be waiting for a response. How will you both feel if you don't get one?

You are low to no contact for a reason. You need to keep it like that in case DH doesn't get the reaction he is hoping for. Manage his expectations.

Running out of a meet up is not going to be easy with a baby, pram and all the crap you have to take with you. What happens if you want to leave and MIL is holding the baby and won't give them back?

Axx · 27/03/2024 09:15

wtf? He wants to fake an event to get them to go then wheel out a baby? When relations are strained anyway?

No. Definitely not.

Saymyname28 · 27/03/2024 09:16

I think I agree with pp, I'd send an announcement card. I wouldn't even suggest they visit. But I would include a photo, so then they don't need to come just to take photos of the baby to pretend they give a shit.

toomanyy · 27/03/2024 09:16

Given this woman tried to ruin your wedding and wished ill for you, you would be mad to let her ruin your first few weeks with the baby.

Come to a compromise with DH. Agree not to tell his family about the baby until she's at least 6 weeks and you're strong enough to cope and not be railroaded by MIL into anything you don't like.

And when the 6 week period is over, text them about the baby, but with no offers to meet. The ball will be in their court.

Bumpinthenight · 27/03/2024 09:18

Saymyname28 · 27/03/2024 09:16

I think I agree with pp, I'd send an announcement card. I wouldn't even suggest they visit. But I would include a photo, so then they don't need to come just to take photos of the baby to pretend they give a shit.

If sending a photo, make sure it is a family photo and you are holding the baby!

Autienotnaughtie · 27/03/2024 09:26

Hi idea will backfire. They are going to be shocked and wonder why you haven't told them. A text will give them time to process. His way and you are getting their first reaction.

If he nsists I wouldn't go

Saymyname28 · 27/03/2024 09:32

Bumpinthenight · 27/03/2024 09:18

If sending a photo, make sure it is a family photo and you are holding the baby!

Show quote history

Yes! Perfect

GoldenDoor · 27/03/2024 09:36

Why do you want to meet them even?

Announce via text. Don’t offer for them to come and meet. If they ask then meet at a coffee shop. Your DH is right in some ways that he wants control and doesn’t want them in his safe space. And he wants the ability to leave.

lap90 · 27/03/2024 09:38

Crazycrazylady · 27/03/2024 09:03

Honestly your dh might need to prepare himself for the fact that they might not really care all that much. Children of thr scapegoat child tend to be of little value to these type of parents. It sounds like your dh has a secret fantasy about them apologising and grovelling in order to get close to his child. That simply won't happen I'm afraid. At best it be will be more of what he endured previously ie other grandchildren treated better than your child.

I'd send a breezy text once baby is here and established and I'd leave it there .

I was going to say the exact same.

OP's scenario is similar to someone i know - I don't think his Mother and family have ever met the baby although sent their congratulations.

With that said i think OP's husband's idea is crazy.

MillieIou · 27/03/2024 09:40

I'd send a text and I wouldnt set out visiting times unless asked, that would look like you're assuming they want to visit and with this relationship it might not be the case.

NamingConundrum · 27/03/2024 09:44

They're going to kick off. Send a text so you don't need to deal with immediate fall out in front of you. Options are thus:

tell them before birth, but tell them wrong due date. E.g if baby due 22nd October, tell them December.

Tell them after birth via text. Don't mention meeting baby. They're LC to NC due to how they treat you. I wouldn't be letting them down to treat my baby same way!

Or just don't tell them. Go fully NC and protect yourselves and baby.