A mother in law one…and a baby.

[firstimemum23]

I am over half way pregnant with our first and MIL’s third grandchild. DH is low to no contact due to being the scapegoat child and his sister the golden child. There is another child in this who keeps to himself but still speaks with his parents - DH was middle.

DH and MIL came to a head at our wedding which was the final straw. She behaved appallingly and it turns out that before the wedding she told every one of his family how she wishes he’d left me at the alter. She thinks I’m the one making DH feel the issues from childhood rather than the many years he’s expressed his feelings along with the many sessions of EMDR therapy. (“Therapists make you believe anything even that you’ve been sexually abused” according to his dad)

I am not telling MIL before the birth about the child. We will not post anything on SM at any point anyway, and only those we see in person know. My parents know and are desperately excited and wonderful to both of us about their first grandchild. DH agrees with this because he understands that they’d just put more pressure on us.

However, DH and I disagree on HOW to tell in laws when baby is here. I suggested that we send a text to his whole family (none of them know) upon the birth and also set times they can come and visit. They all live up North.

DH wants to instead plan an “event” with an unknown reason behind it and ask them to come - somewhere up North. I have said that this sounds awful to me. His reasoning is that we can make excuses about needing to leave to escape the situation. However, they know where they live and they could easily just knock on our door one day. I also don’t want to travel hours in the first month of the baby’s life (if I even can, dependent on the birth!) so baby would only meet them when a few months old which I feel will have more repercussions.

DH is mainly worried about what they say. He wants to appease them as much as possible which I think is impossible given their behaviour and narcissism. DH (and mainly me) will ALWAYS be the bad guy.

I would feel guilty keeping Baby from their knowledge for longer than a week or so of him being here.

thoughts?

His idea is terrible. This would be an awkward and difficult event anyway given the strained relationships but would be hell on earth adding the fact that you’ll be recovering from birth and sleep deprived, as well as the hassle of travelling with a newborn and tending to the baby’s needs. Whilst to an extent it his choice on how to tell his family, it should definitely not be at this big event!
Is he still seeing a therapist? Maybe he can talk to them about his idea and why he still feels the need to appease his family (at the expense of his post-natal wife).

I agree with PP's, just send a text with a photo of the three of you, and that's it, don't offer a visiting window. If they call asking to visit, you can tell them then that you will let them know once you've recovered and feel up to it. Keep it breezy and simple. Your DH's idea is ridiculous and bound to start a drama!

I have 0 trust in his mum to not post a picture of the baby to her social media to show off. I don’t want my baby’s face on the internet.

Let them know by post with a birth announcement card. Do not get into messaging with them. Do not travel to visit them. See what their reaction is to the birth announcement.

Go complete no contact and don’t tell them

You’re right. MIL is very hands on with SIL’s children - constant photos posted, she does several days childcare a week travelling three hours each way to do so with no complaints, lots of presents etc.

I think DH expects this baby to make them treat him similar - lots of love and apologising. I think that they will make my child feel lesser and I don’t want him to ever feel that way.

I'd post a cryptic photo of say the baby's foot or something and then just watch my phone blow up. But that's just me 💅

Sorry didn’t mean to confuse it - no SA anywhere. His dad just said that statement when DH said he’d been in therapy and remembered more from childhood etc and they said the therapist would convince him he was sexually abused if he could and it’s all nonsense.

😂😂😂

Your husband's idea is absolutely ridiculous. He sounds as prone to drama and bullshit as his mother, honestly. It's an absurd idea, on every level.

This

Definitely don't do the event. Regardless of the wisdom of the decision to keep the pregnancy secret, they're going to be very hurt when they find out they didn't know. Don't put yourselves on the receiving end.

You said low contact so I think your DH should ring his parents to tell them the baby has arrived and then do a text announcement to the wider family and leave it at that.

Your DH calls his parents the week after the birth. At the same time you upload a photo and announcement to Facebook. Done no drama

Your DH's idea is ridiculous and foes nothing other than stir up more drama. Why does he want that?

I'd be worried about what your DH is looking for from this event. It's such a wild idea. Do you think he envisions the event being a great celebration, a moment when he might finally get the attention and praise he has so clearly been deprived of? Or maybe that it will be a big f-you, a way of showing that he's succeeded despite them? Either way it sounds really unhealthy and sadly I'm sure it wouldn't go how he fantasises.

I can guarantee, from experience, that this baby will not make them treat him similar. I was under a similar belief and it backfired. My dd was born just before Covid. I had planned to take her to see my mum for a week, and them meet up with my sibling and spouse for an hour or so in a cafe nearish them, so they couldn't make a scene and I'd been in control. As it was my dd was nearly 5 months old before she could see my mum, and sibling decided to travel down there. I hoped (expected) that my mum would stand up for me for once in my life, knowing not only how hard life is with a newborn but how isolating the last few months had been.

The week started badly, with sibling announcing they were coming over every day, and mother doing nothing to question it. That was the first time I sobbed that week, in front of mother. The second time I sobbed in mum's presence (since the whole week was being run to suit my sister, and I was barely allowed to see friends in case it upset sibling) I came up with the plan of asking sibling not to come on the last day, so I could look forward to it (plus for practical reasons) but I wasn't allowed to as it "might" have upset her (the fact I was obviously upset being neither here nor there). The last time was when I was leaving, and didn't now if I'd ever be going back. My relationship with her now is barely existant, and she has no idea why.

Don't give yourselves the chance to lose control over the situation. Send cards with a foot photo on to announce the birth, keep the family blocked from SM and maybe arrange a visit in a few months time, but base yourself a way away from the family so you can visit for an hour and then escape.

He’s attempting to give them 1) an option to meet the baby and 2) on his terms in a place far from our house so we can leave quickly.

He would invite them to a lunch basically, but he wants to know if they’d show up without knowing the reason. I don’t doubt they’d come if it was to meet the baby but he wants them to show they care enough without the baby to come, if that makes sense. If they didn’t come then he would say he tried and not let them know about baby.

I’d send them a text. If they do ask about visiting I’d be tempted to take the puppy farmer approach and hire an Airbnb, set yourself up there for the visit and take some photos to dot around the place

Setting up an event with secret expectations and tests only in his own head is a terrible idea that will only backfire.

Send them a text with a birth announcement, minimise the drama and the Hollyoaks style baby reveal and leave it to them to respond

He sounds immature with all the game playing.

Put out a general post with no picture when the baby's born.

If you dont want them to visit don't invite them.

Your latest update sounds like a good plan, but especially if you're breastfeeding it would need to be around 3 months or older in our experience.
Anything more than about an hour car journey is horribly stressful and adding in stopping for half an hour about every 30-45 minutes for long feeds and settling crying it would be a stressful journey.
Another option could be travelling by train though.

This is mad, and shows he's still deep in the family nonsense and needs more therapy!

It'll backfire. They won't turn up, he'll feel worse. You need to ask him why he's so into them meeting his innocent child when they treat him badly. Ask him if he wants baby to feel the same when they see difference in how they're treated compared to cousins, just like he did compared to his sister. Because he sees how good they are with SILs kids? They were better parents to his sister than him. They're capable of being better parents and grandparents, they just chose not to be for him and won't be for his children. Encourage him to protect his child.

You need to just put your foot down, tell him this batshit plan is simply not going to happen, and you and the baby will not take part in it. The baby shouldn't travel that far in the very first place.

If you don't want to tell them about the pregnancy, why bother telling them about the baby arriving?

It will just create further problems in what should be a happy time, especially if you still plan on being no/low contact.