A mother in law one…and a baby.

[firstimemum23]

I am over half way pregnant with our first and MIL’s third grandchild. DH is low to no contact due to being the scapegoat child and his sister the golden child. There is another child in this who keeps to himself but still speaks with his parents - DH was middle.

DH and MIL came to a head at our wedding which was the final straw. She behaved appallingly and it turns out that before the wedding she told every one of his family how she wishes he’d left me at the alter. She thinks I’m the one making DH feel the issues from childhood rather than the many years he’s expressed his feelings along with the many sessions of EMDR therapy. (“Therapists make you believe anything even that you’ve been sexually abused” according to his dad)

I am not telling MIL before the birth about the child. We will not post anything on SM at any point anyway, and only those we see in person know. My parents know and are desperately excited and wonderful to both of us about their first grandchild. DH agrees with this because he understands that they’d just put more pressure on us.

However, DH and I disagree on HOW to tell in laws when baby is here. I suggested that we send a text to his whole family (none of them know) upon the birth and also set times they can come and visit. They all live up North.

DH wants to instead plan an “event” with an unknown reason behind it and ask them to come - somewhere up North. I have said that this sounds awful to me. His reasoning is that we can make excuses about needing to leave to escape the situation. However, they know where they live and they could easily just knock on our door one day. I also don’t want to travel hours in the first month of the baby’s life (if I even can, dependent on the birth!) so baby would only meet them when a few months old which I feel will have more repercussions.

DH is mainly worried about what they say. He wants to appease them as much as possible which I think is impossible given their behaviour and narcissism. DH (and mainly me) will ALWAYS be the bad guy.

I would feel guilty keeping Baby from their knowledge for longer than a week or so of him being here.

thoughts?

I can totally see the point of meeting on neutral territory if relations are strained- this is a tactic we employ with my low contact in-laws. It definitely removes some of the stress from thw situation.

We found that having babies suddenly made us far more interesting to the ILs. But in our case the golden child doesn't have children to keep them busy. However, the arrival of babies also increased the strain, partly because of the increased interest, and also because I grew a pair and was clear that I did not want my dc to grow up watching me be a wet blanket while MIL goaded and bullied me.

I'd have thought a text to announce and an invite to a lunch out (near you!) could work. But the disadvantage of not telling them before baby arrives is that might inflame things even more as it may well be quite hurtful for them just to get a "baby's here!" message, and they may well react negatively to that.

It's a horrible thing to manage though, as there aren't any winners in navigating these things however hard you try. Best of luck with it all!

I would inform the whole family that you are expecting (around 20 week mark) so that there is no shock.

I would send a text after the baby is born to announce the birth (can the baby have your last name if his family are such pricks).

Leave it up to his family if they even want to visit.

Then say to MiL sweetly, I’m afraid I didn’t die in labour like you wanted!

If you don’t announce your pregnancy, and they get a surprise birth message, you are opening yourself up for gossip about why the pregnancy needed to be hidden.

Your DH is not thinking straight @firstimemum23 . The period after birth have to be about what is best for you and the baby. You will be recovering from the birth and it is dangerous for newborns to spend hours in a car seat.

I think you need to do something that is drama free. A family message will be fine. If they want to meet the baby, you can still meet at a pub or somewhere, but closer to where you live.

@firstimemum23

Firstly, sadly your husband isn't going to get what he wants out of this plan of his and I think whilst it's hard, I wouldn't encourage trying to trick them into giving a shit. He will just be more hurt.

Secondly, his priority needs to be you and the baby and not forcing a meeting which could be really intense, making you and the baby travel unnecessarily to facilitate this.

Send a text, no photo if you can't trust her and leave it there.

I do think this could be dreadfully intense!

I can't imagine the actual response, could go either way?

I do think a message and photo would be best.

This will sound harsh but if you are low contact already , and they don't show enough interest in your life to even know you are pregnant I just wouldn't tell them at all.

This is a DH problem and not really (or only superficially) a problem in the logistics of visits or notifications. It’s basically a submissive/trauma type response to the threat if family displeasure.

My dh had a very domineering mother. Accidentally my parents found out we were engaged before MIL did. To “make up” for this lese majeste he insisted on driving five hours to her house, leaving me in the car, and rushing in to tell her alone. Of course this was absurd and went badly. But it was his child’s instinctive response to fear of her anger. It was a way to “make up” to her for the perceived loss of face vis a vis my parents.

Treat his “plan” as a wish. Empathize, sympathize (wouldn’t it be nice if we could placate them? Wouldn’t it be nice if they forgave us the secrecy? Wouldn’t it be nice if you felt more comfortable with them?). But just say no to the plan as a plan.

No infant baby and I will not be driving anywhere to make a surprise announcement. Yes you can tell your parents any way you want: text, phone, singing telegram, carrier pigeon. You can announce any time you want. Nothing to do with me.

I think your DH's plan has far too much potential to go tits up.

You will be recovering from the birth for quite some time after it has happened, and you can't know beforehand how it will go anyway. You are both likely to be sleep deprived as the baby will need night feeds and will still not know the difference between night and day. You could well have stitches in unmentionable places too.

Also, he can't expect his family to suddenly give a shit. The chances are that they won't, and that they'll kick off that they weren't told about the pregnancy anyway.

You are low/no contact for good reason. Keep it that way and tell DH that you won't be going along with this plan. Baby will be too young to travel far for a start.

Just send out a general text to them sometime after the birth announcing the arrival of baby. No need for a photo or anything. Then just leave it at that. Let them react however they wish, or not. Nothing else necessary, and to be honest, I'd be debating whether I even wanted to do that.

I don’t care about this, I can handle their gossip. They’ve said far worse about me and my family.

I just refuse to announce in any way on social media to anyone - I just want my life to be private. All our friends and family know because they see us and are happy. Work obviously knows. I am past 20w and not planning to tell them.

We only felt that they had a right to know when baby was here because he is their grandchild and I feel so confused about what is right and wrong as I’ve heard many different stories but the ultimate thought from friends is “you can’t keep him from knowing his gparents” and I agree.

Yes DH is the same. He only wants to tell them due to fear of retribution and what they will say about him.

I feel like they deserve to know so I will announce via text with either a hand pic or back of head shot with the three of us, then leave it at that. I’ll update the thread in August / September with the result 😂

I’ve heard many different stories but the ultimate thought from friends is “you can’t keep him from knowing his gparents” and I agree.

Why do you agree with that utter shite? Of course you can, and should, keep your child away from abusive, cruel people.

If you'd been left at the altar like they wanted, there would be no baby... so don't feel guilty about anything.

'I feel like they deserve to know'

No they don't 'deserve' to know anything. And you don't owe them anything. Tell them as much or as little as you choose but let it be your choice, and prioritise your baby, yourself then your DH.

I’ve been where you are. We sent a text with a photo and then they went nuclear.
If you can just keep them out of your life with all that distance between you, that’s the option I would take. Once baby is here they will be claiming your child. It will be ‘MY grandchild this, MY Grandchild that’ and you might end up branded as cruel because you don’t suddenly want to play happy families.

I feel like they deserve to know so I will announce via text with either a hand pic or back of head shot with the three of us, then leave it at that.

Why do they deserve to know? They treat you and their son abysmally yet you think they deserve to know about your child because they happen to be blood relatives. How does that make sense? Why open yourselves and your unborn child to further trauma?

I don’t know why I think this. I’ve always believed family to be everything and I am very close to my parents (despite my dad being an asshole. Mum is the best!) so maybe it’s something ingrained in me. I just feel guilty denying my child access to blood relatives who MAY care for him. Also, SIL is not a bad person. I believe she allows MIL behaviour to be unfair as she benefits, but she isn’t a dick. And her two children would have a cousin they’d not know which also feels wrong.

BIL and DH just aren’t close but aren’t ill feeling. So if both siblings knew, MIL would find out in seconds. We’d also want to tell his Nan and his aunt. It would be impossible to not tell his parents as a result.

If you think like this I don’t understand why you kept the pregnancy from them in the first place? Just tell them now if you want the cousins to know each other etc. I wouldn’t delay it if you want them in your baby’s life, which it sounds like you do in this update.

I don’t want them in baby’s life per se, I just don’t want baby to a secret when here.

I kept quiet because she is so vile about me and she would be saying horrible things. We also don’t speak so unsure how we’d tell them. We had a MC before so I just feel like she’d wish it back on us again

SIL is moving the the other side of the world for a year for work with the kids the same month Baby is born. Realistically I’m worried MIL will latch on to replace.

She will never respect my wishes with feeding, screens, photos etc as she already proved that when she was around my dog - feeding the dog cups of tea (?) and sugar but withholding dinner (she isn’t cruel to animals and I don’t want to give that impression. But she is a twat and did this because I specifically asked her not to)

When baby arrives I would text in-laws first and very shortly afterward a group message. In-laws technically know first and everyone is informed.

Any kickback blame it on a difficult pregnancy.

Bloody awful idea. No way should you go there with a very young baby. Terrible idea. The in laws aren’t going to suddenly cave at the idea of your Dh becoming a father. Please don’t subject yourselves to that potential situation.

Your MIL sounds toxic bordering on dangerous based on your latest post. Your dh needs therapy to gain the strength to go nc. You can't allow her toxicity around your child.