To think that most people like their families(of origin)?

[ThisGoldHedgehog]

That’s just it, really. From reading posts on here, one would be forgiven for thinking that most people had fraught relationships with their parents and/or siblings. I understand that this is self selecting (nobody is likely to post about how great their relationship with their mum/dad/brother/sister is), but was just wondering.

In addition to loving my family, I actually just really like them all. My parents are lovely, my brothers are amongst my best mates. They’re nice people and I enjoy having them in my life. My DH and his family are similar, as are most people I know.

So, how do you feel about your family (of origin)? AIBU to think that most people quite like theirs?

No. Im not just talking about myself here. I tolerate my parents, they’re not the best and made mistakes but they have their good points. Thinking of everyone I know, I’d say most have some degree of unhealthy and toxic dynamic in their family. Most of the time it’s a case of, they love them and feel some family loyalty but don’t actually like them/wouldn’t choose to hang out with them if they weren’t related.

Well I can say I like my family, both sides. The only one who created an atmosphere was my dad, he died when I was 16, so that distorting effect was removed. I have a good relationship with my aunts and cousins and with my mum and brother. I know other families like mine but I am also aware of other families with much more complicated relationships.

👌

Mine and DHs are difficult. To put it as politely as possible.
I'm sad as I'd love a better relationship with them, like I can see with friends and their families. But it's not going to happen.

I have a lot of siblings and am NC with all of them. We had a tough childhood and just can't manage to have normal sibling relationships with each other. It took me a long time to understand that and even longer to accept it. I really envy people from normal families, who had loving, encouraging parents and grew up feeling happy and confident, and who have loving and supportive relationships with their siblings. I think a good start like that is the single most important factor in making a happy and successful life for yourself in adulthood.

That said, I think family dysfunction is more common than people generally acknowledge, and in particular I've met many, many people who say their FOO is/was a happy one but are completely blind to the unhealthy dynamics or gameplaying that goes/went on, and the mental gymnastics required to maintain the fantasy of family closeness. I don't think they are gloating but I do think people who talk like this are often deluded and/or imagine that anything better than ending up on Jeremy Kyle ought to be considered good enough. If you get to know people well enough that you can dig beneath the surface a bit, nearly everyone's family seems to experience problems somewhere on a continuum between controlling behaviour and shocking betrayals - and then they wonder why they struggle with depression or motivation or alcohol or stress or autoimmune disorders, without any apparent awareness of how things might be related to one another. At least those of us who come from undeniably awful families know we're fucked up, and why!

So on balance I think YABU, OP, though not for starting the thread. It's debatable whether it's better to like your FOO even though they messed you up, or be NC with them for the same reason. Personally, I think I'd rather be awake to what's driving my problems, but everyone's coping mechanisms are different. I've taken great heart from reading threads on Mumsnet that helped me realise the smoking ruins of my birth family were not such an outlier as I used to feel pre-internet (if anyone can remember that far back).

It would be great not to be messed up at all, but I genuinely think that's quite rare.

Didn't you realise that when it comes to family you'll get a varied response.
One size dosent fit all.
Some are close and get on etc and some don't.

That's the way it is.

I didn't say it was, but my post was in response to your comments.

I was picking up on a PP's point that it's shit having to justify yourself as others often think you're in some way to blame.

Not sure why you seem to be taking that comment as a personal slight.

I'm not in the least, I'm just answering you and explaining - as I did originally

I don’t. NC because I was the family scapegoat. It’s had a terrible impact on my mental and physical health.
The only thing I envy about others is when they have a great, happy relationship with their parents and siblings. I can’t imagine what it feels like to be loved and to feel emotionally safe with parents.

Ha 😂

I've learnt just today in fact that even the nicest people are in it for themselves, don't kid yourself!

Estranged over a decade from my mother and stepfather, siblings for longer. It wasn’t until after I’d gone NC with my mother that I realized she’d deliberately stirred problems between my siblings and I. Not telling me about family events while telling them I’d refused to go. Refusing to pass along contact information while telling them she had, I must not be interested.

That I moved to another time zone enabled her to not be caught out, but the truth is, I’d been labelled a liar since reporting their abuse as a teen. They couldn’t risk my siblings realizing I’d always been telling the truth.

If you don't have a loving family I can tell you it can feel like the loneliest position in the world. That is why people reach out through the anonymity of the internet, to connect with others in the same position without risking judgement from people they know in real life. I don't understand why you would need validation like that if you have a loving family. I find this such an odd sort of thread to start, but apparently there is some need in some fortunate people to know they are not alone, because I see these sorts of threads quite often, along with the "hands up if you have a lovely mother in law" and "hands up if you got great care from the NHS" threads. I guess... good for you? Other people's bad experiences don't invalidate your good ones - and vice versa.

I think your title could have been framed as "Do you like your family of origin?".

Your answer has nothing to do with the comment you responded to though, as the PP has themselves explained. It was never made in relation to comments on the thread 🙄

My parents and sister are the kindest most supportive people imaginable. They always have my best interest at heart.

But I realise more and more how rare that level of love and respect is.

I love my parents and we have a relationship but from my end it's strained. They weren't very good parents. They are both quite self centred and don't really live in the real world. I've been parenting my mum since I was about 8, love was scarce at times, pressure was high and I don't think my parents were prepared for raising a child that wasn't perfect

I do get on and love my brother, he gets on well with my parents but personally I can see how he's struggling in adulthood because of how my parents raised him.

The thing is from the outside it looks like I have a good relationship with my parents, I'm not going to tell random work colleagues or distant friends how I feel about my parents.

My DPs are long gone (I’m fairly ancient) but we (4 of us) do all get on, though we don’t see each other very often.

My DM was one of 5, and didn’t really get on well with any of them - there was often bitching about one or the other. So when she used to say how happy she was that we did, we’d tell her she was the Awful Warning - we were never going to be like her lot!

I do wonder how common it is though. At a large extended-family do for a sister’s Big birthday, there were maybe 15 of us at a restaurant. One of the blokes who owned and ran it asked whether we were all related, and when we said yes, replied, ‘And you all get on?’ He seemed almost in shock when we said we did!

I think you've probably answered your own questions....if you relied solely on MN for your view of the world you'd assume most people had terrible relationships, that hen parties and baby showers were universally despised and never attended, that nobody ever made friends with their work colleagues or other parents at the school gate, etc...

But yes my experience is that most people get on with most of their family members well enough even if they don't necessarily have much in common with them or would choose to be friends with them if they aren't family.

I find it quite surprising that a few people on here have said that nearly everyone they know has some sort of issue with their family...that sounds very strange and unusual. To counter that I don't know anyone who is no contact with a close family member.

Saying that doesn't mean that I don't think.those that are NC don't have very good reasons though, just that people tend to assume their life is.generally representative of everyone's-like when you see the "I don't know anyone who earns more than £30k" versus "nobody in my circle has less than £100k income and I cant imagine how anyone could possibly exist on less" posts. That's one of the benefits of MN - most peoples "circles" are actually quite self-reflective and echo-chambery so it's good to get a wider view.

I find it quite surprising that a few people on here have said that nearly everyone they know has some sort of issue with their family...that sounds very strange and unusual. To counter that I don't know anyone who is no contact with a close family member.

This may be aimed at me, among others, as I said I hardly know anyone whose family doesn't have issues, but I agree with you it's unusual to know many people who have gone NC with close family members. I think most people just put up with a sliding scale of shit from their families or ILs, to the detriment of their own mental or physical health.

There's also a lot of stigma attached to going NC. People do judge you, particularly if the person you're NC with is your mother, and particularly if it's near Christmas. So it's probably fair to say most people do know someone who's NC with a close family member, they just don't know it.

@TinkerTiger

Your answer has nothing to do with the comment you responded to though, as the PP has themselves explained. It was never made in relation to comments on the thread 🙄

Of course my comment was about the comment I responded to, I was responding to it!🙄If you meant that the post wasn't aimed at me, I know that now, but it wasn't clear at the time. (and I'm not psychic). That poster made a general comment, not one that was obviously aimed at particular a person/people, and when they made the "gloating" remark about posters (plural), I was the only person who had responded to the OP with 100% positivity about my family, so I clarified - which I also explained again. I wasn't having a go at this poster, I was just trying to be clear about my intentions (which I am allowed to do). I have a lot of sympathy for the point they were making.

But well done in getting involved, good that you're trying

I didn't make any 'gloating' remark though...

I think you're mixing me up with someone else.

Me too