To think that most people like their families(of origin)?

[ThisGoldHedgehog]

That’s just it, really. From reading posts on here, one would be forgiven for thinking that most people had fraught relationships with their parents and/or siblings. I understand that this is self selecting (nobody is likely to post about how great their relationship with their mum/dad/brother/sister is), but was just wondering.

In addition to loving my family, I actually just really like them all. My parents are lovely, my brothers are amongst my best mates. They’re nice people and I enjoy having them in my life. My DH and his family are similar, as are most people I know.

So, how do you feel about your family (of origin)? AIBU to think that most people quite like theirs?

Interesting thread, I’ve been thinking about this lately and wondering whether it’s just my circle. Most of my family and friends are either estranged from their siblings or have a very dysfunctional relationship or are just indifferent to each other (different personalities). A minority do have really lovely relationships.

Parents - relationships vary a lot as above. I have some friends who are close to their parents on the surface but are in therapy dealing with some of the issues they experienced during childhood.

I do think family issues are more common than we think. I think it’s harder sometimes to create distance from blood relatives because you are always told they are your blood, and you end up accepting so much unhealthy behaviour BECAUSE they are family to the detriment of mental health (I don’t think people end up estranged over petty reasons), whereas if they were a friend they would have been cut off long ago..

Having said all this, reading some mumsnet comments, having an only child seems to be the cruelest thing you can do to a child 🙄

Nope.
Abusive parents, no siblings (for which I am glad), not interested in my aunts or uncles.

Husbands relatives are fine but he doesn't like or dislike them.

No one is more aware that most people like their families than people who have toxic ones. I can't even imagine what a healthy, enjoyable, loving relationship with one's parents looks like, and I've always been aware that makes me the outlier.

A significant proportion of my friends also have toxic families but in a way that's because it's a natural point of bonding when you find someone else who's been through similar experiences.

My family's dynamics are very much fraught, as you put it. A few friends (and DP actually) generally have good dynamics with their parents and siblings, but there's usually a problematic grandparent/inlaw/aunt/uncle somewhere in the mix. That said, I have far more friends who are NC with at least one parent, never mind those who'd like to be but can't get over the guilt (yet).

I do see DP's nice, chilled, family as a huge plus. I'd still love him and be with him if they weren't any of those things, but it's been a real revelation to see what family life has the potential to be like. It's taught me a lot, although it's sadly also made me realise that my own family dynamics were even worse than I thought...

I believe that being able to say what is "bog standard" ( I didn't want to use normal/average), so how the majority of people live is important, and it doesn't in any way have to diminish what those who are living outside of this may experience.

Even though we know how important speaking about certain issues is, we still need to keep a perspective of how prevalent they are in society as a whole, and how they are distributed.

The focus of this particular thread was the OP's thoughts about whether in general families get on. Anecdotal situations or whether this discussion makes those with difficult circumstances feel bad, is not the point.

In my opinion the majority do get on, but it is increasingly common to find those that don't. I believe this change is possibly particular to British society, or maybe other areas of English speaking world.

So on threads where difficult families and how hard it is, is the focus, it doesn't require people to constantly say that they are in the minority, likewise with threads focusing any difficult topic, abuse, disabilities, mental health, whatever.
However this thread has a different focus, and the OP shouldn't be accused of being goady just because she wanted to discuss this issue in a different way.

What springs to mind here is that most people posting about their terrible families would likely think that their own nuclear family is loving and supportive and not at all like their birth family. Parents and children view events very differently. I will always try and find forgiveness and understanding for my birth family as there may come a day when I need my children to find the same for me.

I understand that this is self selecting (nobody is likely to post about how great their relationship with their mum/dad/brother/sister is)

You answered your own question. But well done you for having a healthy family dynamic. So you also marvel at the fact that you are in perfect health while it seems that many of MN don't?

It depends whether you're talking about generally decent people who made some bad parenting decisions, or abusive parents. There is a big difference.

Usually people who recognise that they suffered abuse or neglect in childhood are very conscious of it, and keen to break the cycle with their own children. It's the ones who don't recognise it and don't address it who are more likely to repeat the same behaviour.

People don't generally go no contact with their parents unless there's a very good reason.

I don't think I know that many people who have truly awful families, but I know plenty of people who are from mainly decent families yet don't end up being very close and see each other a lot, prioritizing only a few relatives over others. Truly close families, who can't wait to be with each other many weekends....- I don't see that as often.

if one of my kids think I'm a harmless, just a bit of pain sometimes, think it's more than enough to see each other only twice a year even if they are two hrs drive away - I'm trying to prepare for that not entirely unrealistic possibility but shudder at the very thought of it.

My MIL is soft spoken and mindful, very empathetic...yet one of her sons is like that, dismissive and acting like she's silly old woman. He just has no interest, outside his job and outside his wife's family. Sad

Ok. My post wasn't directed to you?

But that's not what your thread implies. If you had said 'tell me about your happy families' that would be one thing but saying you 'think that most people quite like theirs' is going to make people with disfunctional families feel abnormal.

What? Feel bad?

Why make a post about it? Would you make a post saying 'I know many people have children with SEN, but I just want to say that I don't and it's wonderful, anyone else? Don't make me feel bad about it though!'

Just wondering what?

‘I noticed that the sky was blue today. I suppose it’s because weather changes and today is just a nice sunny day and not a rainy one, but I was just wondering’.

Dim.

Your family sound lovely op. 💐

I have a wide network of friends and colleagues and I think I'd say you're in the minority in the way your family seems so harmonious and pleasurable.
A few people I know have some seriously unpleasant things to deal with in their family.
I know 2 people who would describe their family as you do.
Most people I know rub along ok, get on most of the time, definitely love their family and are loved, but also have use a fair amount of tolerance and patience in the relationships to keep them ticking along nicely, and the vagaries of human foibles and bad choices make themselves felt from time to time.
Personally I fall into the latter camp. I love my family. It's a small family. If I wasn't related to them I doubt I would seek them out as friends because we aren't natural companions. My upbringing was affected by the effects of unskilled parenting and damaging dynamics so that has taken a lot of repair work over the years. But we appreciate each other and are all basically decent people.

I think you are in a lovely sweet spot. Enjoy it!

I think op was wondering how close to reality the skewed view naturally created by the people reaching out for advice when things are not in a good place was.
The question would include those who don't mention their family 'cos all is well, so would give a more rounded perception.
I don't think it's bad to wonder how rare a happy family really is and to ask the question.

@Lovepeaceunderstanding what happened? I think I may have had something similar with mine

Edit: sorry didn't answer the original question. I was very close and liked 2 members of my immediate family but they have both died. Don't like the others, my friends are my family now.

I agree. I’m not sure why the OP is getting such a hard time here.

Are you sure that most people you know feel like this?

I would bet most of mine and my DH's friends think we have a good relationship with our families, but there is a lot going on under the surface that they don't see.

Yes to this. My elderly Dad has been horrible to me all my life. Yet to his friends & neighbours he seems a lovely old man, his one neighbour especially expects me to take care of him when he needs it. I won't be. My Dad tells people how we're a close family, despite the fact he prioritises his friends over us, we never hear from him unless he wants us to do something for him. I do envy those rare people who have love & support from their parents. Because it wasn't like that for me.

Exactly the point. Just as though you'd think every marriage is on the verge of breakdown if you spent enough time on the various boards reading about barrage of sewage a lot of women are swimming through trying to navigate relationships with their significant other.

People on the whole don't post to say 'My life is just so perfect I'm not sure what to do'.

AIBU to think that most people quite like theirs?
I'd say you're being naive and a bit blinkered, do you have no knowledge of people with difficult family relationships? The world isn't all
rosey.

Of my close friends, 75% have challenging relationships with family. The rest just don't realise they're just too used to what they know to notice things are not quite so perfect.

Aren't all relationships vulnerable to challenges at some point? I may be cynical, but I'm always suspicious when there are claims of totally unproblematic relationships.

I've been on both sides of idealising, and then the scales falling. From being part of a close and "loving family" with a "brilliant Mum", to putting a big distance between relatives and going NC with my siblings and Mum. It all only started with 1 small revelation and then you can quickly change your perspective on what your thoughts were great. Or what you'll continue to accept.

These kinds of generalisation make little sense because individual relationships are as individual as people themselves.

What on earth does 'most people' mean in this context? Very little, because ideas of what dysfunctional means as opposed to healthy or 'normal' - whatever that is - will differ vastly. If your family relationship is dysfunctional and it's all you've known, this is your normal.

Sending empathy to all who've suffered the lasting pain of such a dynamic. I've had both. I lost my mother at a young age and we were as close as any mother and daughter could be. I adore my brother. But our father was an abusive monster who caused serious damage to us both. I was the one scapegoat in the family whom he physically abused, and this was made out to be my fault. He once slammed my head down a door and I ended up with concussion. My brother was scarred by what he saw, and by being constantly told he was useless. Yes, our mother should have left him, but like many abusers he was clever. It took us all many years of being outside that abusive dynamic to recognise that we'd been in one in the first place. It was the classic Boiling Frog Syndrome.

No. To use your analogy, this is like you making a thread title saying ‘AIBU to think that most people have 10k to spend on holidays a year?’ And then waffling on about how of course people only come to MN to post about struggling to afford anything in life, yet alone holidays, but you’re ’just wondering’.

Then getting in a huff when you’re called goady.

I definitely think people with loving families that they get on with are in the minority, I luckily have a brother that I get on with but that's it