To think that most people like their families(of origin)?

[ThisGoldHedgehog]

That’s just it, really. From reading posts on here, one would be forgiven for thinking that most people had fraught relationships with their parents and/or siblings. I understand that this is self selecting (nobody is likely to post about how great their relationship with their mum/dad/brother/sister is), but was just wondering.

In addition to loving my family, I actually just really like them all. My parents are lovely, my brothers are amongst my best mates. They’re nice people and I enjoy having them in my life. My DH and his family are similar, as are most people I know.

So, how do you feel about your family (of origin)? AIBU to think that most people quite like theirs?

From the post I understand that this is self selecting (nobody is likely to post about how great their relationship with their mum/dad/brother/sister is), but was just wondering

I honestly love my family and we enjoy spending time together. There has never been any family drama amongst us because we genuinely all get along. This seems to be a minority situation based on the family dynamics of my friends and colleagues.

Most of my own friends have decent relationships with their families. I am not sure they are in a minority, though it's hard to say for sure.

My point was that people in these situations need support, not a smug 'ooh, I do get that people don't post about happy stuff much!' response. It's not supportive to acknowledge that you know why people post more about the bad times, and to blithely steamroll past it. Couldn't there be some sympathy and decency?

I don’t know how many people like their families but my friendship group we’re a mix of those who are no contact with some or all of their family, those with ok relationships with some/all of their family and those who got lucky and have great relationships with family.

I don’t speak to my parents, my dad was abusive and my mum let it happen. It’s caused issues with wider family members too so I’m not close with any of them. I’m envious of those with loving families. I’m really close to my adult and teen kids and I hope that continues. I’m confident it will.

I think on the whole people have ok relationships but not great ones, which I’d expect as you can’t choose your family. I’ve very close to my group of friends.

I haven’t responded to anyone saying anything of the sort though, have I?

So, just to clarify what’s going on in
your head. You think that people in need of support, decency and sympathy about their families are somehow being deprived of that by the existence of an entirely separate thread which asks whether people like their families of origin?

That level of hysterical outrage over nothing must be quite draining.

En masse mine can be a lot, as well, to be fair! A lovely a lot, but still a lot. 🤣

Some of these responses are really sad. I’m sorry you’ve experienced so much pain.

I suppose life is challenging and given that it's probably reasonably rare to have had an upbringing devoid of some issues. My family was ok growing up but as adults it all got messy for various reasons and now none of us speak to each other. Its been ten years since I spoke to either sibling and I am all the better for it.

Almost like they understand how awful it must be for those who don’t and can’t help but boast about their luck.

This, in a nutshell.

It’s the same sort of tone deaf people who post on threads from people with no savings/safety buffer and posters come along and say they have no savings because they’ve just spent £10k on a holiday for 2.

Wow there are some posters putting a very odd spin on what the OP asked.

At no point has she said any of what some posters are trying to twist it in to.

YANBU. I completely agree with you OP.
Going on the hundreds of families I've known over the decades and how contrary that is to posts you see on the relationships board.
Obviously this isn't about one family. It's not about the Op's family, or my family, or other individuals, it's about the dozens upon dozens of families you know, and looking at life generally.
Of course you are spot on that the overwhelming majority of people, therefore don't post about that, so obviously the posts that are asking for help, or perspective, or advice, or even just a rant, are going to come from people who are struggling. That's not the OP being smug, that's just a fact. A fact that is relevant to mention, as it is relevant to the question.

I think the problem is, a lot of people who don’t have any or much contact with their families, are often judged. I read someone on reddit saying ‘everyone on mumsnet is NC with their family, don’t they ever think it’s them that’s the problem’. They also say everyone on mumsnet has an autistic child and laugh. 🙄

I’m not at all bothered by it, I don’t take it personally, but I can see why people think threads like this could be a dig at them. I’m not saying yours is OP, I didn’t take it that way.

No. To use your analogy, this is more like people with no savings/safety buffer coming onto a thread about a £10K holiday for two (that says what it is in the thread title) and being offended at its existence. As said thread clearly exists solely to rub their financial situation in their faces.

Thank you. Thought I was going mad there, for a moment.

Im not in an abusive relationship nor are most women I know. Were I to post and ask the question ‘ Am I correct in saying most women aren’t being abused and feel safe with their partners?’ It would serve the purpose of saying ‘ I know lots of you say this is your experience but it isn’t for me and my friends’.

It has a tone of suggesting DV isnt really as prevalent as people are saying it is.

Maybe ‘Do you have healthy relationships with your relatives?’ Would be a better choice of words without the undermining jargon.

I would say I’m somewhere in the middle. I love my family very much. I don’t especially like most of them as people though. My parents were not abusive but were flawed. They made questionable parenting decisions, and my childhood could have been a lot better had they done things differently. My only sibling is mostly a good person, but isn’t interested in having much of a relationship with me. I am quite close to my mum and my grandma still but not really with anyone else. I would love to have better relationships with other family members but it is what it is.

Ideas for your next post OP:

'Is there really such a thing as homelessness?
As I look around my comfy home, and think about how all my extended family and friends have lovely homes too... I really wonder is homelessness something that really happens or having a lovely house like ours the norm?'

I'm not sure if I can bear to read what will be many upset comments on your post, from people having the sadness of their childhood waved in front of them again, by someone gleefully questioning if bad things really happen.
I don't see any wisdom in making this post.

@ThisGoldHedgehog thank you. Although I have a very difficult family, and you like your family, I think it is okay that you ask these questions. In fact it is good that you ask. It's good for people to understand a bit more about people with different experiences. I am still being emotionally abused by my parents decades later..... but I am so glad to have a friend who told me that she felt loved in her childhood..... I have learned so much from her! Please don't listen to people who say you are gloating..... I really don't think you are!

@ThisGoldHedgehog also, knowing that there are people out there with normal, loving families, gives me hope that one day I can find and be part of a community of emotionally healthy people. I think it's okay to talk about this.

There is a difference between people with abusive families (obviously fully deserving of sympathy and support), and people who just don’t like their families (which doesn’t require any particular sympathy or support as nobody is being wronged, they just don’t get on).

DH doesn’t like his family - no reason, they are fine, certainly not abusive, but all a bit self-absorbed (including DH) and none of them make any effort or take any interest in each other. MIL made all the effort, and when she died ten years ago none of them stepped up to keep the relationships going. As a result, they aren’t close. Awkward Christmas and birthday duty visits only, and even then they often cancel. DH is at least as responsible for this as SIL and FIL, and as far as I can tell all of them are perfectly happy with this state of affairs and don’t want any more contact with each other than they already have.

My family are very close, and we go out of our way to stay in touch and do stuff together. We aren’t in each other’s pockets but we have a family WhatsApp group and text each other, I see DM every fortnight or so, etc. I like both DM and DBro as people and enjoy going out for meals/drinks with them, have loads to say when I see them etc.

I interpreted OP as asking which of those two models are the most common. I suspect my family model is, based on my friends and colleagues.

I want to give you a very inappropriate unMumsnetty hug. So, I should probably go to bed.

I really hope you find your community. You sound really lovely and kind.

So only misery porn is allowed on these threads then?

I'm with you @ThisGoldHedgehog. And without being smug.

There's research on this.

They think "up to" one in four people may have an estranged family member - that is no contact.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/brothers-sisters-strangers/202402/statistics-that-tell-the-story-of-family-estrangement?amp

I'm not aware of research on how close families are. Some are and some aren't.

In case it is isn't obvious I come from a family with multiple family estrangements. I am not close to my family of origin.

I’m glad to read of happy families. I live in fear that my children will grow up to distance themselves from us as we have from our families.

I love my family and like my siblings (most of the time!). My parents treat me very differently to my brothers which I hate, and I have a lot of resentment towards how they raised me. They can also be lovely and are extremely helpful now though, so I have mixed feelings about them. I would say most of my friends are the same, our parents are good people but weren't good parents which can be tough to get past.