To ask son to pay for his food?

[twinklemoon]

Son is in his early 20s and still at home. Because his income varies so much I have never taken rent as he was in full time education although he does make a small contribution towards the electric after my bill doubled when he finished college and was home all day.

His income varies and can be £600 up to £1200 a month. Usually I would say now it is more around the £900 amount.

I am the only adult in the house other than him so only one income. I have had to budget and have made cut backs due to the cost of living. There is always food in the fridge and freezer but son has some (genuine) sensory issues and his variety of diet is very limited and will rarely eat what I eat, he will also not even touch things that are not branded. As a result some of his meals cost a lot more than I would buy myself and I am struggling.

I must also admit there are times at the end of the month when I am digging to find change for basics and he is coming home with frivolities and nice snacks and goodies it is a bit frustrating!

Am I being mean to ask him to buy his own food or at least contribute towards it?

[shepherdsangeldelight]

Not only is it not mean, but I'd question why you are not charging him rent/board money? Even if it's a token amount.

What is the reason that is income varies and is so low? If it's he's choosing not to work so many hours because you're effectively subsidising him, that's not really on.

[Vod]

I think it would be reasonable to ask for a contribution in your circumstances.

[MILTOBE]

I think it would be unreasonable NOT to ask for a contribution. Half of the electricity bill, his portion of the council tax (since you can't claim as a single person) and all his food is what he should be paying.

[Hecate01]

Definitely not unreasonable to ask him to buy his own food. If it was me I'd be asking him to contribute more because right now after paying a small amount for electricity he's having an easy ride and his earnings are his to do whatever he pleases.

Most people are struggling and cutting back right now so you have every right to ask. He should also be paying towards council tax because you can't get the single person discount with him living there.

If he complains then let him find somewhere to live cheaper, I doubt very much he will.

[Bibblebrox]

I get if he is doing shift work, maybe he can't get as much work over some months. I definitely think at least £100 (start higher and negotiate down if it might give him some semblance of control 🤣) to cover some of his food costs would be reasonable

[NeedthatFridayfeeling]

Absolutely he should be buying his own food as the minimum, he should also be contributing something towards the rest of the expenses, wifi/water/council tax etc.

[IncompleteSenten]

I think telling him he has to buy his own food from now on because you can't afford to buy the food he will eat will be best. He needs to understand just how much it's costing to feed him.

[Beamur]

If he's eating different meals perhaps it's time he also does his own food shopping? Good practice for future independence too.

[FoodieWoodie]

He is 20 years old, of course he should be buying his own food! As soon as I started earning money as a teenager I was required to pay a contribution (around £150) and also do some small food shops. Does he know how much you’re struggling? It would break my heart if I knew my Mum was digging at the bottom of her bag for change. Speak to him but he needs to pay, OP.

[BruFord]

@IncompleteSenten

I think telling him he has to buy his own food from now on because you can't afford to buy the food he will eat will be best. He needs to understand just how much it's costing to feed him.

I agree with @IncompleteSenten that this is the best way to explain the situation to him. I imagine that his food choices add considerably to your shopping bills, and it’s simply not affordable for you. If he’d prefer to do his own food shopping, of course, he can also do that.

[PossumintheHouse]

You should definitely be charging him a consistent amount, whether he's earning £600 or £1200 a month. I think £50 a week is entirely reasonable, and it still leaves him with a very decent chunk of spending money/savings for his age. You're not really doing him any favours charging him zero, he needs to learn how to budget. He's going to get a serious shock when he actually moves out.

[literalviolence]

I'd think he should give you around £50 a week for food as well as paying the extra council tax and a contribution ro other bills. Perhaps £350 tp £400 a month in total. That still leaves him with loads.

[AmandaHoldensLips]

You're not helping him by enabling him.

Buying his own food is the very basic first step towards him becoming independent. Buying it, preparing it, clearing up after himself.

Next would be his contribution towards basic cost-of-living necessities like utilities, council tax, wifi. You can show him the bills and tell him that he is now responsible for 50% (or whatever you decide).

If he moans about it, suggest he starts looking for a room in a house share.

[Abouttimeforanamechange]

Agree he should not just be buying his own food, but making a contribution to the general cost of running the household. And doing his share of housework, gardening, diy/maintenance as appropriate.

[Limer]

Of course it's not mean!

Write out a list of monthly outgoings and have a conversation with him about how much you need him to contribute. Get him to set up a regular bank transfer to kick in after his weekly/monthly payday.

[concernedchild]

YANBU.

I live at home, and my parents have not asked for a contribution towards rent so long as I am saving for a house deposit. However, I do all of my own food shopping and cooking. I sometimes get bits in their Sainsbury's (things not available at other supermarkets) but I do my own shopping

[Gymmum82]

There is only 2 of you in the house and he is an adult. He should be paying rent and bills plus his own food. His income varying is frankly not your problem. If he was living in a house share or own place he would have to pay his way regardless. You shouldn’t be struggling while supporting a grown adult in your home whether it’s your child or not

[Octavia64]

Asking him to buy his own food will help him as he will to be able to make choices for himself - so out of two things he likes he will begin to choose the cheaper.

I think that's more important than charging him rent.

[Iwasafool]

I have GS living with me, to be honest we don't'need to take money off him but I do take £25 a week as he is an adult and working, still a teenager though. I think it is reasonable to expect a contribution.

[WaltzingWaters]

Definitely fine to ask him to buy his own food, and contribute towards rent/bills.

[FoodieWoodie]

@concernedchild

YANBU.

I live at home, and my parents have not asked for a contribution towards rent so long as I am saving for a house deposit. However, I do all of my own food shopping and cooking. I sometimes get bits in their Sainsbury's (things not available at other supermarkets) but I do my own shopping

This is what I’d like to do with my own kids. Good luck with the saving x

[concernedchild]

@FoodieWoodie thank you, it's slow going at the moment because I'm not earning much but my parents are amazing!

[WarshipRocinante]

Don’t ask him to contribute to his food. Tell him to shop for himself. If his diet is so restricted and he doesn’t eat what you eat then he can sort himself out. He can start buying his own stuff and feeding himself. He is old enough to learn what food costs.

[wombleberry]

Early 20s?! Of course he should be paying his own way by now. He needs to learn how much living costs, and how to prepare for and deal with income fluctuations. This situation sounds like a prime example of how boys grow up to become men who are cock-lodgers.

[littlemousebigcheese]

Ask for £150 a month - still a bargain and he'll be left with minimum £450 - £1050 to himself!