To not trust dad after he watched porn

[Limonjelly]

Just trying to get some perspective on this. Me and my mum would often visit my gran on Sunday afternoons, and when we got back my dad would sometimes be in my bedroom on my computer. I was about 13/14 at the time and now in my mid 30s, for context. I found out from the browser history that he was watching porn. The reasons for this I believe are a) he only had a work laptop and obvs couldn't use that to watch porn and b) if it was on my computer and he got caught or something it would look like it was me looking at porn. Bearing in mind this was fairly early days of the internet and long before smartphones. Of course men watch porn, fine, but I've always found something unsettling about the circumstances here. Maybe it's just because it's my dad, I don't know?

Additionally, around this time there was an incident where he'd been on my computer and somehow accessed my MSN messenger chat history. Firstly, a huge betrayal of trust. The chat history would have been totally innocent and banal chat of a 14yo girl and her friends. Yes, some talk of boys etc, but nothing to be concerned about. But my dad made a big thing in front of the family about how the chats I was having were totally inappropriate and shameful? I think one of my friends had made some joke about blow jobs and he took it totally out of context and made a HUGE fuss about it. It was quite strange and out of proportion, and I wonder if he was trying to add evidence to covering up his little porn habit, but can't say for sure.

I've basically never truly trusted my dad since these things happened, and it still bothers me today. Bit of a weird thing to discuss irl. Also worth adding that my dad was emotionally abusive over years, so I'm not especially close with him anyway. Aibu to still feel this way?

Honestly I think it’s 20 years ago. Unless we’re talking child porn or something I don’t really think it’s anything unusual.

Bit creepy that he chose to do that in his 14 year old daughters bedroom, yuck

What is there to trust or not trust your Dad about now?

I think the thing that bothers me the most is the fact he probably would have blamed me for looking at porn if he'd been found out by my mum, or anyone else.

I didn't look too much at the details at the time, but think it was all adult porn.

@scrimblescramble Yes exactly, that's how I feel about it too. Although it was the only computer in the house and it was a proper old one with a big tower and chunky monitor so he couldn't exactly move it anywhere else.

The MSN thing is the worst bit. An adult invading a child's privacy and using their private conversations to mock them to other adults is vile.

Watching porn and wanking in his daughters bedroom is gross, but rather than stemming from a place of getting off on it being his daughters room, I imagine it was more the man of the houses mentality that everything in the house belongs to him and he can do what he wants where he wants.

Don’t worry too much about it now but in the event of any historical crap bring brought up in a disagreement, you have ammunition tucked up your sleeve. Fire it and walk out!

It sounds like he just wasn't very computer savvy because why wouldn't he delete it? There wasn't any reason to leave evidence. Your computer was just the only personal computer available.

The circumstances you describe make it less creepy than it looks at first.

only family computer- watching from your desk.

I’d say most adult men watch porn.

but you are totally right to find it gross. I had a flatmate do similar with a laptop I left in the shared living room and was a bit 🤮

I actually think the looking at your MSN chat and telling people is worse!

I’d also say you could probably ignore it if he was otherwise a good dad. But he wasn’t, so this was likely done because he had no respect for your boundaries.

you also say he was emotionally abusive. I’d say you are completely within your rights to dislike him and for these incidents to support your view.

Don’t we all regularly check our teens smartphones? Is checking the MSN chat any different? MSN was full of very creepy men!
Is it possible he didn’t know how to address his teen daughter was talking about blow jobs? Things were very different to now with being open about this stuff and staying safe online.

YANBU.

Watching porn in your child's room is revolting regardless of any circumstances. No decent person would think that was an acceptable thing to do. Back in the early days of the internet he should have got magazines if he really wanted this crap.

Your feelings are totally valid and adding in emotional abuse it seems totally sensible to be distant with him now. I can't honestly understand how anyone could possible not say YANBU and even if it was a man of the house thing it just shows complete disregard for you as a person and for your room and your privacy.

Just yuck, I'm sorry.

Yes the man of the house thing describes my dad exactly. Thinks he has a right to do whatever he wants. And he was and still is very much of the mentality that I 'belong' to him. Partly coming from a place of wanting to protect, perhaps, but also a desire to control.

It's certainly not something I'd easily either forgive or forget. Did he ever apologise? He was so into shaming you in front of everyone he should have had to confess in front of the whole family!

It's grim that he was presumably wanking in a teen girls bedroom. And he could have chatted to people pretending to be you!?

I'd totally give him a wide berth.

It is significant that you mention he was emotional abusive because this changes to context. Emotional abuse often includes with boundary-eroding behaviours. Each individual action might not seem like the biggest crime in itself but the overall pattern has an impact on the person being targeted. Slightly strange, icky or sexually gross things might get dismissed as "innocent" or "harmless" or "unintended", and maybe they could be in a non-abusive context, but if the overall dynamic includes abuse such behaviois have a very different meaning and impact.

I find it hard to imagine a dad comfortable watching porn in his daughter's bedroom - the same room his daughter slept in. Leaving the browser history there so you could accidentally view it is wrong - exposing minors to porn is regarded as sexual abuse and is illegal where I live. Belittling you for in front of others and exposing private conversation is awful, and yes, if you have the sense he was setting you up to blame you for the porn sites that is probably spot on. It sounds like you had well-honed instincts from a young age to feel distrustful about this.

Emotionally abusive
End of
Rest and is gross too

That’s horrible @Limonjelly , I’d have been horrified if I thought my dad looked at porn full stop, never mind in my bedroom / sanctuary.
It’s really really not fine if men watch porn though.

I think there is something quite disturbing about adults watching porn on a child’s laptop or having sex in the earshot of children. My step-father did similar things when I was growing up, he’d half-heartedly hide porn, but it was always in spaces accessible to me or places I was asked to get something out of. Yes, watching porn is common amongst adults, but I think indulging in this on a child’s laptop is not okay. It’s obviously had an impact on you, OP. I think unless an individual is in that sort of environment growing up, it’s difficult to explain the confusing feelings this brings up for a child or their adult self.

@BobbyBiscuits It's never come up, but he never apologises for anything. He's always right, his behaviour is always justified or misunderstood - and we're always wrong. There's no point bringing it up now. I only still talk to him because of my mum to be honest.

It's fine for him to watch porn, nearly all men and most women do at some point. It's a bit weird him doing it in your bedroom but I guess in those days computers weren't something you could cart about easily what with the massive tower and CRT monitor. He was stupid not to delete the history of course. Did you have a sibling it might have been them? Or did you check the times to marry the sessions up to when your dad was alone in the house?

I think the checking of the chat is fine too, no different to how parents check their child's phone these days. Back then it was more unregulated too so there was more danger about.

He sounds like an unpleasant person but I don't think you can blame him for these actions.

@Limonjelly he sounds awful. Stay away from him as much as possible.
I still think about bad things family did from 20 years ago. These things don't just vanish.

That’s all really grim and I’m sorry he did it. Looking at porn in your daughter’s room rather than eg getting your own computer is gross and snooping on your messages is horrible.

That said, it’s 20 years ago. I’d be inclined to make a mental note that your dad has extremely poor judgement and then move on.

Bloody hell, I am flabbergasted that so many people this it's perfectly ok to watch porn in your daughters room. It's just so vile I thought it would be a no brainer. If he literally couldn't do without it he should have bought his own computer. It's unbelievably fucked up to think 'man wants to watch porn, man only has daughters computer available, so he has no choice but to watch it there' 🤯

How strange he did it in your bedroom.

No one likes to know their dad watches porn.

He shamed you when you did nothing wrong.

I don't blame you for feeling strange.

Trust is a funny word though. What don't you trust him about?

So sorry op, he sounds vile. Invading your privacy - both your room and your MSN stuff is horrible. The shaming of a teenage girl is unforgivable. Not a nice man. Or father.

Yes, that was my gut response. It's pretty normal for a man to watch porn, but most fathers would feel ashamed to do so in their teenage daughters bedroom!! That sets off alarm bells for me. And him making a big fuss over accessing your phone is also kind of creepy. I suspect he was pretending to be concerned about your safety when in reality he was looking for pictures of your friends, or for sex talk posted by your friends (or both). When people make an over the top fuss, it's usually because of guilt.

Also, if he went through your phone because he was concerned about your safety, why didn't he tell your mother and do it with her?