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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not trust dad after he watched porn

51 replies

Limonjelly · 26/03/2024 09:23

Just trying to get some perspective on this. Me and my mum would often visit my gran on Sunday afternoons, and when we got back my dad would sometimes be in my bedroom on my computer. I was about 13/14 at the time and now in my mid 30s, for context. I found out from the browser history that he was watching porn. The reasons for this I believe are a) he only had a work laptop and obvs couldn't use that to watch porn and b) if it was on my computer and he got caught or something it would look like it was me looking at porn. Bearing in mind this was fairly early days of the internet and long before smartphones. Of course men watch porn, fine, but I've always found something unsettling about the circumstances here. Maybe it's just because it's my dad, I don't know?

Additionally, around this time there was an incident where he'd been on my computer and somehow accessed my MSN messenger chat history. Firstly, a huge betrayal of trust. The chat history would have been totally innocent and banal chat of a 14yo girl and her friends. Yes, some talk of boys etc, but nothing to be concerned about. But my dad made a big thing in front of the family about how the chats I was having were totally inappropriate and shameful? I think one of my friends had made some joke about blow jobs and he took it totally out of context and made a HUGE fuss about it. It was quite strange and out of proportion, and I wonder if he was trying to add evidence to covering up his little porn habit, but can't say for sure.

I've basically never truly trusted my dad since these things happened, and it still bothers me today. Bit of a weird thing to discuss irl. Also worth adding that my dad was emotionally abusive over years, so I'm not especially close with him anyway. Aibu to still feel this way?

OP posts:
2dogsandabudgie · 26/03/2024 17:31

I don't think there's anything wrong in checking your MSN chats, as you were still a child. I think parents should know who their children are talking to online and what they are accessing. He shouldn't have spoken about it in front of other family members though.

The majority of men and a lot of women look at porn so I don't think there's anything wrong with that, but he should have got his own computer for that.

Not sure why you don't trust him now, what don't you trust him about?

Møøse · 26/03/2024 17:45

He’s vile. There’s no excusing this, it’s beyond disgusting.

I'm constantly shocked at how so many women set such a low bar for men. If we expected a teeny bit more decency from them and didn’t excuse them from things like, I don’t know, wanking in their daughter’s bedroom 🤮, perhaps the world would be a better place for women.

Møøse · 26/03/2024 17:47

Apparently men need porn so much that wanking off in their child’s room is ok.

Jesus wept. That’s so fucked up.

supercalafragilisticexpealidocious · 26/03/2024 17:53

I think you're assuming and implying an awful lot into your dads behaviour. You have zero way of knowing that he intended to blame you for the porn. It's a massive leap to assume that. Try and let that go. It also makes zero sense as he probably assumed no-one knew he was watching it otherwise he would have deleted the history. Your thought that he was trying to build evidence against you in relation to his porn habit also seems incredibly paranoid. He just sounds like he was over protective and your assumption again doesn't have any evidence.

I know a lot of people on MN don't like to believe it but yes the vast majority of men watch or have watched porn. It's perhaps a bit gross to watch porn in your child's bedroom but if he had no other place to watch it then I don't think it's anything particularly weird.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 26/03/2024 17:58

It might have been the only computer but it's a bit creepy to watch porn on your teen's computer

Yes, looking at your messages could be keeping you safe. But it should have been something discussed with you and done with you present (to protect himself as well) and things seen shouldn't then have been used to mock you

Its sounds like he just isn't a good person, though, and he's done lots to make him untrusted

CommentNow · 26/03/2024 17:59

If you have basically o relationship with him just keep it tucked up your sleeve and humiliate him about it the same way he did to you if that would give you closure.

Valeriekat · 28/03/2024 09:18

Dotjones · 26/03/2024 10:05

It's fine for him to watch porn, nearly all men and most women do at some point. It's a bit weird him doing it in your bedroom but I guess in those days computers weren't something you could cart about easily what with the massive tower and CRT monitor. He was stupid not to delete the history of course. Did you have a sibling it might have been them? Or did you check the times to marry the sessions up to when your dad was alone in the house?

I think the checking of the chat is fine too, no different to how parents check their child's phone these days. Back then it was more unregulated too so there was more danger about.

He sounds like an unpleasant person but I don't think you can blame him for these actions.

Blimey, you certainly do like to minimise this awful behaviour.

Onceuponatimeiwasaho · 28/03/2024 09:52

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MightyGoldBear · 28/03/2024 10:46

Wow op I'm sorry this is all very disappointing creepy behavior from your dad. Have you had any therapy to discuss what it was like growing up in that household. It's no wonder you feel distrustful of him.

Porn and masturbation is not a need for men or anyone. It's really concerning how many posters are excusing this behaviour. It's so inappropriate. He didn't care about his daughters safety or comfort. He didn't care about her privacy. He only cared about himself.
That's not a safe man.

Imagine the mental gymnastics you would have to do to be aroused in your teenage sons room to use their computer to masturbate to search porn to look at their private conversations and blame them for the very normal conversations teenagers have. To cover up your tracks/guilt. To leave porn on the history for them to see.

Now contemplate he didn't have any barriers to this habitual act. He felt entitled to it. He owned everything the right to do what he wanted where he wanted and face no consequences or his actions making others feel uncomfortable.
That is not a safe man.

We really need to change this boys will my boys attitude with all men look at porn. Just because it's common doesn't mean it's healthy or acceptable. It's vastly women who suffer from men's "need" to look at porn.

MummySam2017 · 28/03/2024 11:01

Just because it's common doesn't mean it's healthy or acceptable. It's vastly women who suffer from men's "need" to look at porn.

Very good point!

IAmAnIdiot123 · 28/03/2024 11:14

The porn bit is grim and I would be disgusted to find out my dad had done that. I don't see the issue with checking your MSN messages, honestly in the early 2000s I would have benefitted massively from someone checking my online chats. It was not a good time for Internet safety.

IAmAnIdiot123 · 28/03/2024 11:14

The porn bit is grim and I would be disgusted to find out my dad had done that. I don't see the issue with checking your MSN messages, honestly in the early 2000s I would have benefitted massively from someone checking my online chats. It was not a good time for Internet safety.

StinkyWizzleteets · 28/03/2024 11:36

I’d be disturbed by this. Men don’t watch porn hands free so to speak so the likelihood was your dad was masturbating in your bedroom and that is extremely inappropriate.

While I understand your discomfort it was half your life away. By all means pull him up on doing it now you’re an adult but he didn’t say you were looking at porn so you’re getting worked up over a hypothetical scenario that didn’t actually happen.

TinkerTiger · 28/03/2024 16:34

re the MSN chat: it’s no different to the parents who check their kids phones.

Re the other stuff: go out and touch some grass

Coshei · 28/03/2024 16:39

I think you need perspective here. I totally understand that you were grossed out by it back then, but this happened 20 years ago. This is hardly reason enough not to trust someone ever again.

Mummame2222 · 28/03/2024 16:43

Limonjelly · 26/03/2024 09:36

I think the thing that bothers me the most is the fact he probably would have blamed me for looking at porn if he'd been found out by my mum, or anyone else.

I didn't look too much at the details at the time, but think it was all adult porn.

You’re projecting, you can’t possibly know that.

It’s really uncomfortable and weird to know that about your Dad but I’m sure he had no idea you know and it doesn’t sound like it was sinister. It’s pretty gross though.

I would try and move on if you can.

GoldenDoor · 28/03/2024 16:46

The fact he still thinks you belong to him as an adult is really really wrong. Wanking in his daughters bedroom is inexcusable and over a very wrong line to me. The painters excusing it saying only computer in the house is just wrong. The fact that he got sexually aroused in your bedroom is something that I would it let him have any contact with my children for personally.

shaming you in front of other adults is something my brother sadly does to his kids for laughs from friends.

beatrix1234 · 29/05/2024 08:56

just tell him: “I don’t appreciate being judged for having one of my friends mentioning the word “blow job” when you keep watching porn in the computer”

For a permanent narcissistic injury say this with the family infront, he’ll probably desinherit you.

Lifelong · 29/05/2024 09:06

OP, that sounds absolutely dreadful.
Your father sounds like a disgusting perve.
Clearly he has absolutely no decency.
Violating your space, bedroom and private messages.
I hope you no longer live at home.
I would see your mother away from home.
I would not want to be around such a creep.
Unsurprisingly he was emotionally abusive.
Look at some therapy to help you process all of this.
YOU are not wrong to be utterly creeped out and disgusted by this.

undercoverdale · 29/05/2024 09:16

Wow to some responses here. If that's the only computer then do without ffs. In what world is ranking in your child's bedroom not a big deal.

And people think mumsnet is radical?! This is gross and I'd think he was a disgusting pig too.

The messages I think might have been ok to check but his response to them was not. So I'm suspicious of that too. Just grim.

undercoverdale · 29/05/2024 09:17

undercoverdale · 29/05/2024 09:16

Wow to some responses here. If that's the only computer then do without ffs. In what world is ranking in your child's bedroom not a big deal.

And people think mumsnet is radical?! This is gross and I'd think he was a disgusting pig too.

The messages I think might have been ok to check but his response to them was not. So I'm suspicious of that too. Just grim.

Ahem, wanking obvs

Playinwithfire · 29/05/2024 09:24

Wtf!! This is so gross!!

I believe when something emotional affects you deeply it needs to be discussed or accountability. Otherwise it will manifest. So, from you've come across your father dirty little secret, anything he does it heightened and strong feelings are added to it because it hasn't been processed.

So, unless in someway you can actually talk about it, those feels will always be stored in a wee compartment of your brain.

An as you've just said your father is emotionally abusive so there is no way you can discuss this with him!

TheRozzers · 29/05/2024 09:55

YANBU.

Absolutely gross behaviour. Totally inexcusable.

So sorry OP.

Scorbet · 29/05/2024 11:43

The worst part is the snooping, shaming and hypocrisy of him.

The porn stuff is very icky, but it's not sinister, like if he was taking a mobile phone in and wanking there.

Also but weird that you 'think' it's all adult porn 😳 unless you saw anything of concern, you can just say 'it was adult/normal porn'.

Balancedcitizen101 · 08/01/2025 10:34

Confused at all the minimising comments here saying it is normal to do it. Isn't going into her room crossing a threshold as it is? Physically and sort of emotionally? 'Oh but it's just a bit of jacking off'. Yeah but in his daughter's bedroom? Not weird at all. He sounds like a bad guy to me. Combined with the MSN spying it is just totally unpleasant. Maybe confront him or your mum about it at some point if you feel it would get it off your chest.