To feel fedup with MiL

[PennyPolo]

I need a little advice and just to rant a little bit about my MiL. It's a bit of a death by a thousand cuts situation and this is such a long post but I'm just ranting to be honest.

I've been with my partner nearly 9 years and we have a ten month old. I've never gotten along with my MiL all that well. We are different people but she for a long long time wasn't particularly warm towards me. I can remember passive aggressive comments right back to the beginning which seems insignificant but builds up.

When I was pregnant we had a disagreement because I wouldn't let her announce on Facebook she was going to be a grandmother (again). I was only 8 weeks pregnant, hadn't told siblings on both sides etc and we are private people, we don't put anything on social media. We wanted to tell people face to face and I was a bit paranoid having taken so long to get pregnant so waited until I was 20 weeks until the MiL could tell extended family. During this time she kept moaning how she couldn't put it on Facebook, couldn't tell her friends etc. My partner ended up speaking to her about it because despite me explaining long time to get pregnant, a miscarriage and under fertility team she just wouldn't stop.

After my 20 week scan we called in to say everything is well, show some photos and let her know she could now tell her friends. She still moaned about not being able to put it on Facebook. She said she wanted one of our scan photos. Didn't ask. Just said she wanted one, the original hard copy. I had two photos. I said I can't give you one of these because if I gave them one and if my parents want one I won't have one. We left then everytime I saw her after that she was standoffish with me and made passive aggressive comments like how I don't clean properly apparently.

They then left the country for 3 months which was a nice break and I actually started getting therapy to help me with my anxiety and my MiL. I told my partner I wouldn't be alone with her anymore but when they came back we had to live with them temporarily (they live in our property and we were having work done on the new house we bought). It was a bit of a frosty welcome from the MiL at the airport after I went to pick them up for my partner who was working.

I had arranged a suprise a private scan for them to come to, my parents already had theirs, the next day. I'd told them what time we needed to leave but they hadn't listened so next morning they're not ready and we very nearly missed the appointment. 34 weeks pregnant me had to run down the street while partner and family parked car. When we got there waiting to go in and explained why we were there and I said she would get to keep the photos from this scan. She said how she'd been upset I'd let my parents have the one from my 20 week scan. My partner stepped in and clarified I didn't say I was giving them a photo. So basically her rudeness was because she'd misunderstood what we said and rather than try and have a conversation she was just passive aggressive.

I'd told my partner I wouldn't be having visitors at the hospital and grandparents and not for the first two weeks after baby was born. I did allow his parents come tomthe hospital in the end (my parents live to far away). Ended up having an emergency C-section. The other two women on my ward had planned C-sections for their own reasons. My MiL was making comments about how some people say it's because they're too posh to push... Time and place...

The next few weeks whenever MiL visits she compares my emergency C-section to her appendicitis surgery or a planned minor womb surgery. My partner was there laying food out for them, making them drinks, washing their dishes while I wanted to scream.

I'd say it was only when baby was about 3+ months old MiL started being the nicest she ever has been to me but still unpredictable. Sometimes nice sometimes random passive aggressive comments. E.g. nanny never gets to see you (has been told she just needs to ask but she never does), said to baby in front of various family at a party has mum not brought you any toys. Another time my partner is on the phone to his dad and brother while holding the baby while I was quickly tidying after her dinner. I then take baby and he's talking to his mum. She said she could hear baby crying earlier so partner explained situation and said now I'm (me) taken over looking after baby to which she replied well I should think so! It was what she said how she said it. It was just rude and even my partner called her out on it. She said it was how my partner had said what he said which was just rubbish.

After that gets better again but she is still so controlling. Bare in mind we see them once a week or less if they're away. Partner works long hours, I look after baby 24/7 and she's still alive, well, very happy. We're out shopping and I notice baby is a bit warm so take a layer off. Me, partner and baby are heading one way, MiL and family another. She tells me make sure baby doesn't get cold. It makes me feel she must think I'm an incapable idiot. I said I know I do look after her all the time. Another time a piece of her food fell on the floor at dinner so I pick it up and put it on the side. She asks if I gave her the food off the floor, I say no. She stares at me as if to say I don't believe you and asks again. Not your bloody business even if I did. The other day me and my partner and eating crisps and she tells us don't eat in front of her (because baby cant have the crisps). Baby is absolutely fine, watching but not upset or bothered in the slightest. We were leaving anyway and as my partner walks in front with baby MiL turns to me and says again don't eat in front of the baby. Another time I comment how we'd been at a party and she'd had a cheese sandwich, is that all?!

She's also a very negative person. Ask her to come shopping with me and baby (olive branch). While out tells me she doesn't like the pram. Later at lunch time tells me I look a less because baby knocked my hot chocolate down my jeans. Says how baby's cousins were happy like her so must be in her genes from her because the cousins only have her in common.

Every question or comment has judgement in in. She tries to tell me what to do and says it's because she's a grandmother and one day I'll understand. My mum doesn't behave this way. She can see how happy my baby is and how I'm looking after baby and knows I'm responsive and she has no concerns at all. MiL is just controlling and is a helicopter grandparent. If they were genuine concerns for my baby's safety and she approached me nicely and explained I could understand but it's not it's just judgement.

I do think she has tried to be nicer recently but because I never know what I'm going to get and what comments she'll make I just feel really anxious around her now. I'm avoiding seeing her at this point and being standoffish myself which I know she probably senses but she hasn't said anything. I know she wants to see the baby more but she never asks and I have said before just to ask. If she asked I wouldn't stop her seeing baby unless we had plans or was sleeping. My partner works six days a week and long hours and I'm not going to take baby round to them with the way she is. I've told partner he can take baby round to visit them when he wants and I won't speak negatively of her when baby is around but after 9 years of trying and being on the receiving end of passive aggression and now judgement I'm feeling done. Partner has admitted although MiL is a sociable person she's very guarded and doesn't let people in easily. I just don't think that's an excuse for how she has and continues to treat me.

Anyone who's got this far thanks for reading. Not sure what to do about our situation really. AIBU?

She sounds like my ex mil. I had it for about 18 years. I constantly tried to be nice, to be a friend, ignore the comments, never put pressure on ex to stand up for me (didn't want to cause drama).. in the end it got so bad one day (after a regular phone call between her and ex!) that I literally couldn't stop shaking or sit still - came over me like a wave. I went to the doctor's in a panic, was told I had severe anxiety, was signed off work and given antidepressants!!!! I wish I'd told her to fuck off and made ex pick sides. So glad I don't have to deal with her anymore!!!! Don't take crap op and the excuse of 'that's just the way she is', please, set boundaries. You wouldn't accept anyone else treating you like that. 💐

The Facebook thing would have annoyed anyone but after 9 years in your life, you knew what she was like why would you tell her so early.

Going forward the best thing would be for you to change. She is not going to change but the way you bounce off her comments and respond will make things easier. It's so easy to become hypersensitive to the passive aggressive comments. It gets to the point where you are actively looking out for them and so interpret every little thing.

So she doesn't like the pram - smile - we like it and it's our baby. You look a mess when the baby knocked the drink over your jeans. Laugh it off and say 'Even with messy jeans I'm still younger and hotter than you'. When she makes passive aggressive comments to the baby. 'Nana hardly sees you' I would make put on the same voice and say 'We are worried about Nana's memory as she sees you every week and keeps forgetting'. 'Don't eat crisps In front of her'. I would reply 'Don't panic MIL her will power is better than yours'. She may accuse you of being rude, but seriously I found the only way I got any respect was to fight fire with fire. If you can't think of a quick fire comment. Just roll your eyes and say 'here we go again' or 'I knew you would make a comment'

Take the power back. You have waited a long time for your precious baby don't let MIL ruin those wonderful baby years. Good luck OP.

She's trying to pull rank, to be queen bee and put you in your place. To put you down. You've got her son and her grandchild and she doesn't like it.

She's basically a pretty unpleasant person and the best you can do is to cut contact. Leave your dh to deal with his vile mother, and don't get involved. Tell her nothing because she only uses it to criticise you.

Remove her from your every day.

No more olive branches. You have tried enough. Instead of silently screaming I think I would crack. How many more years of this shit have you got ahead of you?
YOU are this baby's mother, not her and she needs told this bluntly and to keep her comments to herself by your husband

Completely agree with @Kitkatcatflap - you need to fight fire with fire. If you can't think of a good come back a simple "and?" Or a "I'm not exactly sure what the point of that comment is. Care to elaborate?"

These come backs will put her on the spot, and she will either backtrack or dig herself a deeper hole that she can't climb out of.

Also, when she says she doesn't like something "that's a shame, but DH and I do and really, that's all that matters." Makes it clear that you really don't give a flying fuck what her opinion is.

Don't waste your babies childhood stressed about a spiteful bitch.
Only see her if DH arranges it, every time she says something spiteful act like you didn't hear. If she keeps repeating it then just say "you're being rude, stop it".
Explain to DH that you'll be doing that and that he needs to keep her in check as otherwise you will have to fully stop seeing her.
Women like that only get worse over time if left unchecked.

I think you’re trying too hard and taking everything too personally.

She has no power. It doesn’t matter what she thinks about your pram or whether you feed your baby food off the floor, or take the baby off your DH when she thinks you should. She has no power. She can’t change anything. She can only have what you give her.

So if you can stop caring whether she approves of you or not, stop caring what she says about you, view it all as sad and toothless attempts to manipulate things and make her self feel better, but of no consequence, if you can do that you can basically not let it bother your life at all.

Try the medium chill technique with her. Don’t rise to anything she says - not just don’t rise to her, but don’t give it headspace at all. Nod and smile. Vague, positive sounding, non-commitment to any statement in a pleasant tone and then if she tries to pull you up on having agreed etc. at a later stage just say “Oh, I must have misheard/misunderstood/etc., sorry.” And carry on as though it doesn’t matter. Don’t do things to make her happy (don’t deliberately piss her off, either), she isn’t interested in being made happy by you so it won’t work, she’ll just move on to some other issue. Just be normally polite. Normally considerate.

The only reason she gets to you is because you care about what she says or thinks. But you know her statements are uncalled for. If you stop playing that game, stop caring that she’s said it, she has absolutely no power.

Tbh after I read all that I think it's you that don't like her, you seem really negative. You both sound very similar that's probably the problem. I think you don't like her so everything she says or does annoys you & really stands out. Take everything that she says with a pinch of salt start to ignore it show her it's not bothering you and it'll prob get better on its own. She's your husbands mum you can't change that & you just need to get on with it.

Don't invite them round. Get dh to visit them once a month . Your staying home 'for a rest'

When you see them at parties/occasion's. Minimal talk with mil. Just grey rock her. If she says something rude walk away like she hasn't spoken.

Block/mute her on all sm

Consider moving!

As someone who also had prenatal therapy due to anxiety around my MIL....

Drop the rope in terms of olive branches.
Put her on an information diet.
And you need to get to a totally beige place where you arent giving her so much headspade. medium chill as recommended above is good. I master it 80% of the time.

Have boundaries and neutrally assert them.

When she is rude/ignorant just laugh and call it out in a jokey way.

You lost me at, telling your partner no hospital visitors and no one allowed to see baby for 2 weeks!
You sound hard work, and you don't find offence, you actively look for it.
Maybe your MIL is a bit full on, but I think you are not telling the whole picture here.
I feel sorry for your partner having to mediate.

Sorry but I kind of agree with @Footyfandango. I appreciate that your MIL might be critical or negative but reading your post, I got the impression that you actively look for issues when your MIL might not have meant anything. I'd like to hear her side of the story!

She sounds like my MIL. We're now low contact with her.

My ex FIL was like this but I’d have full blown rows with him because I’d laugh in his face at his comments and he’d go crazy, he was a prick to everyone though.

Oh my goodness what IS her problem!

I'd be having nothing to do with her

Cut her off. Make no more effort. She’s foul.

Just cut her off. My mil is the most toxic person I’ve ever met and sounds similar to yours. The drama we had over not letting her put our baby announcement on Facebook before telling some of my family members and friends….. it ended up being a two month none talking period.

but honestly, for your sanity tell your partner you can’t have a relationship with her anymore. I did that and he understood and she became so toxic that we haven’t spoken to her for 6 months now. And life is easy again, she gave me so much anxiety it was horrendous.

I feel for you!

Stop trying. You owe her nothing by. Put her through the friends and colleagues filter. If you wouldn’t accept this for a friend then stop seeing her.

i promise your child will pick up on this being an acceptable way to talk to people. She doesn’t get to be in your life just because she’s a generation above you and related

Cut her off.

She sounds jealous and insecure, you should pity her. And stop trying to cultivate the relationship, just leave it to your DH. She’s probably given “her whole life” to being a mum enjoying the control that brought, and doesn’t know how to handle not having that control anymore.

When she says something minor level rude, reply ‘my goodness, did you mean to be that rude?’

When she comments on your parenting ‘my daughter is quite happy as she is, thanks. I didn’t ask for your advice’

If it’s very rude then ‘I will not have you around my daughter if you keep undermining me like that in front of her, do you understand?’

My MIL used to do this kind of thing. It took a few goes of me just walking straight out of there with the baby and she realised she had to keep quiet. Things are ok now 😂

I don't normally comment on posts like this but yours resonated with me because it sounds exactly like my MIL. I think often when people don't have experience of an MIL like this, it looks like you're the problem.
My MIL is very negative, every single thing she says has a negative spin, or if I would say something about my now 11m old, she'd come back with a comment that infers she knows better. For example, I could say I'm using metanium cream and she'd say that's rubbish and I should be using sudocream, the following week I could reference using sudocream and she'd tell me that's rubbish and I shouldn't use it.
Apart from these things being annoying, when you have this kind of engagement from someone it's so negative and wearing. It makes spending time with them SO unenjoyable.
My MIL works in the hospital I gave birth in, we didn't want to tell anyone when I actually went into labour to avoid constant questions - MIL illegally looked at my medical records to see that I had an induction booked and had fish and chips delivered to the induction ward from the hospital cafe...honestly!!!
For various reasons my husband decided to go lower contact and we have taken a step back from feeling obliged to pander to MIL because she badly let us down on something and took no responsibility.

Both my parents are dead, so I found it a really struggle to come to terms with this relationship with my MIL. There's nothing more I'd want than to have a good relationship with her, and treat her like another mum, but unfortunately she makes that impossible

In a fantasy world, I think id do a variation on grey rock with her.
I'd start out for a bit responding 'don't you ever have anything positive to say' and see how that went down (with this type of person it normally means they cry and make a drama and want you to apologise, so you'd have to be prepared to look puzzled and stand your ground and say 'I don't understand, why is it okay for her to say x y z to me but not for me to say that to her?')
Then move to 'that's nice dear'

In the real world, I'd go for a grey rock 'right, okay [name]' and make that your exact answer every single time.

I think you've made a good effort but she's just a miserable, passive aggressive person.
I personally wouldn't cut her out or refuse to see her but I'd stop making such an effort. I'd be courteous but cool. Always polite but never react to any of her passive aggressive comments. My MIL made some comments at the beginning and tried to be the big matriarch but I never gave it the time of day. I was never rude, I never confronted her, I never got upset - I just ignored it and carried on doing things my way. She soon learnt and has been the sweetest person ever since!

@Footyfandango I will clarify because it's not clear from my post. I'd said no to hospital visitors at all because these days you can give birth and be discharged the same day. Thanks to the emergency c section I was kept in two nights which is why I said they could and did visit in hospital. The two weeks after baby was born was grandparents only so they could and did visit. I set this boundary for me as a first time mum with help from my counsellor at the time not knowing how I would feel and I'm glad I did because the birth was traumatic, the baby blues hit me hard, baby cluster fed solidly for a week and I wasn't fit to see people.