To feel fedup with MiL

[PennyPolo]

I need a little advice and just to rant a little bit about my MiL. It's a bit of a death by a thousand cuts situation and this is such a long post but I'm just ranting to be honest.

I've been with my partner nearly 9 years and we have a ten month old. I've never gotten along with my MiL all that well. We are different people but she for a long long time wasn't particularly warm towards me. I can remember passive aggressive comments right back to the beginning which seems insignificant but builds up.

When I was pregnant we had a disagreement because I wouldn't let her announce on Facebook she was going to be a grandmother (again). I was only 8 weeks pregnant, hadn't told siblings on both sides etc and we are private people, we don't put anything on social media. We wanted to tell people face to face and I was a bit paranoid having taken so long to get pregnant so waited until I was 20 weeks until the MiL could tell extended family. During this time she kept moaning how she couldn't put it on Facebook, couldn't tell her friends etc. My partner ended up speaking to her about it because despite me explaining long time to get pregnant, a miscarriage and under fertility team she just wouldn't stop.

After my 20 week scan we called in to say everything is well, show some photos and let her know she could now tell her friends. She still moaned about not being able to put it on Facebook. She said she wanted one of our scan photos. Didn't ask. Just said she wanted one, the original hard copy. I had two photos. I said I can't give you one of these because if I gave them one and if my parents want one I won't have one. We left then everytime I saw her after that she was standoffish with me and made passive aggressive comments like how I don't clean properly apparently.

They then left the country for 3 months which was a nice break and I actually started getting therapy to help me with my anxiety and my MiL. I told my partner I wouldn't be alone with her anymore but when they came back we had to live with them temporarily (they live in our property and we were having work done on the new house we bought). It was a bit of a frosty welcome from the MiL at the airport after I went to pick them up for my partner who was working.

I had arranged a suprise a private scan for them to come to, my parents already had theirs, the next day. I'd told them what time we needed to leave but they hadn't listened so next morning they're not ready and we very nearly missed the appointment. 34 weeks pregnant me had to run down the street while partner and family parked car. When we got there waiting to go in and explained why we were there and I said she would get to keep the photos from this scan. She said how she'd been upset I'd let my parents have the one from my 20 week scan. My partner stepped in and clarified I didn't say I was giving them a photo. So basically her rudeness was because she'd misunderstood what we said and rather than try and have a conversation she was just passive aggressive.

I'd told my partner I wouldn't be having visitors at the hospital and grandparents and not for the first two weeks after baby was born. I did allow his parents come tomthe hospital in the end (my parents live to far away). Ended up having an emergency C-section. The other two women on my ward had planned C-sections for their own reasons. My MiL was making comments about how some people say it's because they're too posh to push... Time and place...

The next few weeks whenever MiL visits she compares my emergency C-section to her appendicitis surgery or a planned minor womb surgery. My partner was there laying food out for them, making them drinks, washing their dishes while I wanted to scream.

I'd say it was only when baby was about 3+ months old MiL started being the nicest she ever has been to me but still unpredictable. Sometimes nice sometimes random passive aggressive comments. E.g. nanny never gets to see you (has been told she just needs to ask but she never does), said to baby in front of various family at a party has mum not brought you any toys. Another time my partner is on the phone to his dad and brother while holding the baby while I was quickly tidying after her dinner. I then take baby and he's talking to his mum. She said she could hear baby crying earlier so partner explained situation and said now I'm (me) taken over looking after baby to which she replied well I should think so! It was what she said how she said it. It was just rude and even my partner called her out on it. She said it was how my partner had said what he said which was just rubbish.

After that gets better again but she is still so controlling. Bare in mind we see them once a week or less if they're away. Partner works long hours, I look after baby 24/7 and she's still alive, well, very happy. We're out shopping and I notice baby is a bit warm so take a layer off. Me, partner and baby are heading one way, MiL and family another. She tells me make sure baby doesn't get cold. It makes me feel she must think I'm an incapable idiot. I said I know I do look after her all the time. Another time a piece of her food fell on the floor at dinner so I pick it up and put it on the side. She asks if I gave her the food off the floor, I say no. She stares at me as if to say I don't believe you and asks again. Not your bloody business even if I did. The other day me and my partner and eating crisps and she tells us don't eat in front of her (because baby cant have the crisps). Baby is absolutely fine, watching but not upset or bothered in the slightest. We were leaving anyway and as my partner walks in front with baby MiL turns to me and says again don't eat in front of the baby. Another time I comment how we'd been at a party and she'd had a cheese sandwich, is that all?!

She's also a very negative person. Ask her to come shopping with me and baby (olive branch). While out tells me she doesn't like the pram. Later at lunch time tells me I look a less because baby knocked my hot chocolate down my jeans. Says how baby's cousins were happy like her so must be in her genes from her because the cousins only have her in common.

Every question or comment has judgement in in. She tries to tell me what to do and says it's because she's a grandmother and one day I'll understand. My mum doesn't behave this way. She can see how happy my baby is and how I'm looking after baby and knows I'm responsive and she has no concerns at all. MiL is just controlling and is a helicopter grandparent. If they were genuine concerns for my baby's safety and she approached me nicely and explained I could understand but it's not it's just judgement.

I do think she has tried to be nicer recently but because I never know what I'm going to get and what comments she'll make I just feel really anxious around her now. I'm avoiding seeing her at this point and being standoffish myself which I know she probably senses but she hasn't said anything. I know she wants to see the baby more but she never asks and I have said before just to ask. If she asked I wouldn't stop her seeing baby unless we had plans or was sleeping. My partner works six days a week and long hours and I'm not going to take baby round to them with the way she is. I've told partner he can take baby round to visit them when he wants and I won't speak negatively of her when baby is around but after 9 years of trying and being on the receiving end of passive aggression and now judgement I'm feeling done. Partner has admitted although MiL is a sociable person she's very guarded and doesn't let people in easily. I just don't think that's an excuse for how she has and continues to treat me.

Anyone who's got this far thanks for reading. Not sure what to do about our situation really. AIBU?

@trousersearch that's awful. That intrusion of your privacy is shocking. I'm sorry to hear you've lost both your parents. I agree with you I'd like to have a good relationship with my MiL.
@MarieJG87 and @rainbowstardrops I probably do feel negative at this point. It's been 9 years of not feeling good enough. I actually would like to get along with her but struggle with the anxiety. I don't think anyone would choose to not get along with their MiL.

She sounds awful. I would imagine that your OH family have put up with this behaviour for so long that they either don’t notice or excuse it. I agree that you need to stop offering olive branches, but as she is clearly doing this to provoke a reaction, I think it would be far more effective to completely ignore it every time she says something like that. You sound like a kind and loving parent, you don’t need to justify yourself to her. Each time she makes a dig stop, take a deep breath, inwardly remind yourself she’s being a twat, and then carry on as if she’s said nothing, change the subject, leave an awkward pause, but try your hardest not to react. She will either move on to someone else to wind up, or make more unnecessary comments (at which point I then would consider being NC with her) but it will become more obvious to everyone around you how horrid she is being. This isn’t about letting her win, it’s about taking the power from her mean words

OH can bring the baby to see her and you can have a break. I'd minimise seeing her because eventually the baby will pick up on the atmosphere and there really isn't a need to subject yourself to this. The woman doesn't want to see you.

I agree with the poster that said put this particular MiL on an information diet straight away.
Stop sharing your information with her. Only tell her what you want her to know about.
When she comes out with the comments about not being allowed to see your baby, retort by saying "But MiL you are always welcome to see baby so long as you check with us before making what could be an unnecessary trip. After all, we might be out or have an appointment and you would be left with a wasted trip."
Everything else, while it will be hard to train yourself to this new way of thinking, let it wash over you and don't react to it. Think in your head "That's nice" or "Ah well" but don't react to her suggestions or comments.
Don't ask for her opinion unless you genuinely want to hear it.
Get your DH to do the visiting to her and not the other way around - that way he can be the one to leave if/when he's had enough.

YNBU being fed up with her but only you can change how you deal with her. She isn't likely to change towards you so the only other option is for you to change how you deal with her.

Completely step away from her, no contact other than through dh and let him take dd alone, just don’t see her

Just to comment as a MiL myself that's yours sounds awful ! You will have to stand up to her and get your DH to stand up.to her . She isn't going to change . Maybe go cold turkey a couple of months and only let DH take LO to see her or be in when she calls ?Take a big step back . Then gradually reintroduce yourself on your own terms . Go easy on yourself !

I'd honestly just go no contact, MILs really aren't always worth the hassle, I'm very glad mine lives on the other side of the ocean!

Talking from experience, go no contact. It will be the best thing for your mental and physical health.

Spot on. I agree that you're on the alert now, waiting for her next catty remark. Try and have some bitchy one liners ready as she probably catches you off guard so it's hard to think of something in the moment.

Interfering old bat. See her as little as possible. Dh can take child to see her when u need a break. When u r ready let her look after child without you ef if u need a hair cut or Dr appt or work meeting. So she sees grandchild yet u don't see her. Sorted

Yanbu she sounds like a miserable cow. I’ve had enough of my mil now too after a few recent incidents. I’m just going to take a step back but also the information diet sounds like a good strategy so i will try that.

You cannot change her or the way she behaves. You can only change how you respond to her and how much you let her stupid comments upset you. If I were you, I'd be minimising my contact with her and making DH take the baby to see her. You don't have to facilitate the relationship at all, she's not your problem.

OP, I think your partner really needs to have a long sitdown with her and threaten to go NC for all you unless she changes. And I would move. Far away from her. I really would. Seeing her once every two months would be too much for me. Once a week, is beyond batshit crazy in your situation. Please seriously consider moving at least several hours away, if you won't go NC completely.

Obviously ( and understandably) she doesn’t like her.
Would you like someone who treats you this way?
And no, OP does “not need” to get on with it.
There is no need to accept such behaviour, even from family

You need to accept that she is not going to change how she is with you or what she does - that means you are the one that needs to change for it to be different. You need to stop seeing her so frequently, stop inviting them round, stop meeting up so much - your partner should take the lead with his parents. Plan and arrange things for the 3 of you to do on your own without PILs. If your partner is taking your DC to see your parents you don't always need to go, perhaps you need to catch up on housework (aka having a nap), no need to be rude but make a reasonable excuse. Gradually, but very clearly, cut the strings.

I don’t see my mil every time my husband sees a her - when he takes the kids to see her I enjoy a few hours of reading my
book on my own - it’s the only “me” time I get so I embrace it.

You don’t need to see her any regularly just because your husband does. You can’t never see her again it’s not realistic esp for your husbands sake - but you can limit your amount of exposure to her. Preferably if he wants to see her ask him to see her in the am so it doesn’t impact the rest of your day.

She will never change by sounds so you need to build a stronger armour. Don’t respond to her chances are she does this for a reaction. Just limit YOUR contact with her.

You poor thing, she sounds absolutely unbearable and this entire situation sounds like it is making you so anxious. I have had similar situations and the one thing I’ve learned that I really REALLY have to try and remember is that her words ultimately have no power. She can say what she wants but YOU have the power to decide If you get bogged down by them. She sounds like an absolute nightmare but she isn’t going to change, this is clearly the type of person she is, but how you respond to her CAN change. Remember, you know you’re a good parent and doing what’s best for YOUR child, it doesn’t actually matter in any way what she thinks or says, despite her own inflated sense of self-importance. Learning to breathe, ignore and NOT get frustrated by her is the key here. Limit your contact for now whilst you have therapy - therapy will take time but is worth it, and there will come a day where you CAN be alone with her and just let her be her irritating obnoxious self whilst not getting triggered by her. Sending you a big hug x

Amazing! Love these come backs!

There’s a lot of “you” comments in here but not a lot of “we decided” I.e. you and your husband.

How is this realistic, this response is just as toxic as MIL. It’s not just about the poster maybe her husband wants to see his parents? her husband can go see his parents with their child on his own for an hour or so every few weekends- or an hour on an evening - solves the poster having to see her. This is what I do with my In Laws and it works perfectly.

In addition to this your post sounds a bit like a red flag itself / there’s a lot of “I” in here but not a lot of “we” as in you & your husband. Just ask your husband to take your child round to see his parents separately - if you don’t want to do this then I think you are part of the problem too

She is never going to like you, she is never going to respect you, and the more you try to keep the peace the more that will enable her to walk over you. Give up trying to be kind and polite now.

When she says something like not to eat in front of the baby, just look her in the eye, say “stop being ridiculous” and carry on. I wouldn’t see her without your husband there at all and if she complains just say “I want you to have a relationship with your grandchild, but it has become obvious over the years you dislike me and I accept that that is not going to change so DH will have to be with us”

It’s a power move by here, take the power back. You’ll have the next 20 years of your life like this otherwise

You don't owe anyone your peace and happiness. Stay away from her altogether. If your husband wants to visit her with your baby, that's fine. You absolutely DO NOT OWE this woman another minute of your time. And your husband knows what she is and must support his wife and the mother of his child in her efforts to have a life free from poisonous input from his mother.

This, sorry. Two weeks is absolutely ridiculous and cruelly selfish. I'm not defending your MIL's behaviour AT ALL. However like PP said, I don't think you're sharing the full story. I mean it's human nature to leave out parts of a narrative that paints ourselves in a bad light but I think it's only fair to include it all.
It sounds to me like you are searching for things to be annoyed at her for, whether you're consciously aware of it or not. Like you have an offence-radar permanently scanning. MILs are not (usually) people you would normally socialise with and therefore she's inevitably going to have differing opinions to you at times. That's normal. The mature way to handle it, is to create a stock response that bats it back to her (PPs have offered a few good examples above) and disregard.
Obviously if it escalates that's different but it doesn't sound like it has so far.

When I became a new mum, my own DM made some remarks which stuck with me and tbh I prob won’t ever forgive or forget but she's my DM and a good GM to DC so I gave a good counter response and moved on from it. If I'd posted on MN I'd probably have been told to go NC etc but if I had, then my DC would've paid the highest price by losing a grandparent.

I'm not saying just allow her to say and do whatever she likes, of course not. What I'm suggesting is reacting differently to it. Stock responses are the answer in my personal opinion

She sounds awful. Agree, you don't have to spend time with her so don't. If your DH wants to see her, great - you don't have to go too.