To feel fedup with MiL

[PennyPolo]

I need a little advice and just to rant a little bit about my MiL. It's a bit of a death by a thousand cuts situation and this is such a long post but I'm just ranting to be honest.

I've been with my partner nearly 9 years and we have a ten month old. I've never gotten along with my MiL all that well. We are different people but she for a long long time wasn't particularly warm towards me. I can remember passive aggressive comments right back to the beginning which seems insignificant but builds up.

When I was pregnant we had a disagreement because I wouldn't let her announce on Facebook she was going to be a grandmother (again). I was only 8 weeks pregnant, hadn't told siblings on both sides etc and we are private people, we don't put anything on social media. We wanted to tell people face to face and I was a bit paranoid having taken so long to get pregnant so waited until I was 20 weeks until the MiL could tell extended family. During this time she kept moaning how she couldn't put it on Facebook, couldn't tell her friends etc. My partner ended up speaking to her about it because despite me explaining long time to get pregnant, a miscarriage and under fertility team she just wouldn't stop.

After my 20 week scan we called in to say everything is well, show some photos and let her know she could now tell her friends. She still moaned about not being able to put it on Facebook. She said she wanted one of our scan photos. Didn't ask. Just said she wanted one, the original hard copy. I had two photos. I said I can't give you one of these because if I gave them one and if my parents want one I won't have one. We left then everytime I saw her after that she was standoffish with me and made passive aggressive comments like how I don't clean properly apparently.

They then left the country for 3 months which was a nice break and I actually started getting therapy to help me with my anxiety and my MiL. I told my partner I wouldn't be alone with her anymore but when they came back we had to live with them temporarily (they live in our property and we were having work done on the new house we bought). It was a bit of a frosty welcome from the MiL at the airport after I went to pick them up for my partner who was working.

I had arranged a suprise a private scan for them to come to, my parents already had theirs, the next day. I'd told them what time we needed to leave but they hadn't listened so next morning they're not ready and we very nearly missed the appointment. 34 weeks pregnant me had to run down the street while partner and family parked car. When we got there waiting to go in and explained why we were there and I said she would get to keep the photos from this scan. She said how she'd been upset I'd let my parents have the one from my 20 week scan. My partner stepped in and clarified I didn't say I was giving them a photo. So basically her rudeness was because she'd misunderstood what we said and rather than try and have a conversation she was just passive aggressive.

I'd told my partner I wouldn't be having visitors at the hospital and grandparents and not for the first two weeks after baby was born. I did allow his parents come tomthe hospital in the end (my parents live to far away). Ended up having an emergency C-section. The other two women on my ward had planned C-sections for their own reasons. My MiL was making comments about how some people say it's because they're too posh to push... Time and place...

The next few weeks whenever MiL visits she compares my emergency C-section to her appendicitis surgery or a planned minor womb surgery. My partner was there laying food out for them, making them drinks, washing their dishes while I wanted to scream.

I'd say it was only when baby was about 3+ months old MiL started being the nicest she ever has been to me but still unpredictable. Sometimes nice sometimes random passive aggressive comments. E.g. nanny never gets to see you (has been told she just needs to ask but she never does), said to baby in front of various family at a party has mum not brought you any toys. Another time my partner is on the phone to his dad and brother while holding the baby while I was quickly tidying after her dinner. I then take baby and he's talking to his mum. She said she could hear baby crying earlier so partner explained situation and said now I'm (me) taken over looking after baby to which she replied well I should think so! It was what she said how she said it. It was just rude and even my partner called her out on it. She said it was how my partner had said what he said which was just rubbish.

After that gets better again but she is still so controlling. Bare in mind we see them once a week or less if they're away. Partner works long hours, I look after baby 24/7 and she's still alive, well, very happy. We're out shopping and I notice baby is a bit warm so take a layer off. Me, partner and baby are heading one way, MiL and family another. She tells me make sure baby doesn't get cold. It makes me feel she must think I'm an incapable idiot. I said I know I do look after her all the time. Another time a piece of her food fell on the floor at dinner so I pick it up and put it on the side. She asks if I gave her the food off the floor, I say no. She stares at me as if to say I don't believe you and asks again. Not your bloody business even if I did. The other day me and my partner and eating crisps and she tells us don't eat in front of her (because baby cant have the crisps). Baby is absolutely fine, watching but not upset or bothered in the slightest. We were leaving anyway and as my partner walks in front with baby MiL turns to me and says again don't eat in front of the baby. Another time I comment how we'd been at a party and she'd had a cheese sandwich, is that all?!

She's also a very negative person. Ask her to come shopping with me and baby (olive branch). While out tells me she doesn't like the pram. Later at lunch time tells me I look a less because baby knocked my hot chocolate down my jeans. Says how baby's cousins were happy like her so must be in her genes from her because the cousins only have her in common.

Every question or comment has judgement in in. She tries to tell me what to do and says it's because she's a grandmother and one day I'll understand. My mum doesn't behave this way. She can see how happy my baby is and how I'm looking after baby and knows I'm responsive and she has no concerns at all. MiL is just controlling and is a helicopter grandparent. If they were genuine concerns for my baby's safety and she approached me nicely and explained I could understand but it's not it's just judgement.

I do think she has tried to be nicer recently but because I never know what I'm going to get and what comments she'll make I just feel really anxious around her now. I'm avoiding seeing her at this point and being standoffish myself which I know she probably senses but she hasn't said anything. I know she wants to see the baby more but she never asks and I have said before just to ask. If she asked I wouldn't stop her seeing baby unless we had plans or was sleeping. My partner works six days a week and long hours and I'm not going to take baby round to them with the way she is. I've told partner he can take baby round to visit them when he wants and I won't speak negatively of her when baby is around but after 9 years of trying and being on the receiving end of passive aggression and now judgement I'm feeling done. Partner has admitted although MiL is a sociable person she's very guarded and doesn't let people in easily. I just don't think that's an excuse for how she has and continues to treat me.

Anyone who's got this far thanks for reading. Not sure what to do about our situation really. AIBU?

Too long; stopped reading halfway through, sorry.

However, in answer to:

AIBU To feel fedup with MiL?

I'd say that on MN it's VVU not to be fed up with your MiL.

After nine years of being on the receiving end of such behaviour - NOBODY would like her, not just the OP. But any dislike the OP may have for her MIL is 100% down to MIL's behaviour.

You're very dismissive of the effect someone like this MIL can have on other people.

You’ve done far too much to try to please this awful, manipulative, selfish, malicious woman. Yet whatever you do won’t be enough. She enjoys putting you down.
Your wellbeing matters as much as her desire to play games. Reduce contact to the minimum and when you do have to see her, grey rock. Walk away as soon as she starts criticising and game playing.

I love the medium chill technique, haven’t seen it explained like that before but it is exactly what I have ended up doing with difficult family members who are always trying to start fights and cause drama. It has really annoyed them that I now don’t react, but they have stopped trying to argue and have ended up leaving me alone which is great.

She’s a narcissist OP. An empty shell. You’re there to fill the void and be her entertainment. She’ll be nice for a while if she thinks she’s pushed the boundaries a bit too far because she’s scared of losing her DS and the baby.

Maybe head over to the Stately Homes thread in Relationships and look at Dr Ramani on YouTube. Treat her like the toddler she is. It will get worse as your baby gets older so prepare yourself as much as possible now. My kids are older now and understand that their grandma can be a cow but when they’re little and Grandma is being lovely to them and bringing presents it’s a difficult situation to manage.

I had a similar type situation. She didn’t respect any boundaries.

When I first had son he cried continuously for first week. They came over uninvited and decided we needed help. They guilted me into giving my breastfed child formula (I wanted him to be exclusive) and convinced me my breast feeding was wrong. They insisted baby would sleep with them that night despite my protests. My break point was waking up engorged and asking husband to pop in and get the baby. He sheepishly returned to the room and told me ‘mum says no you’re not waking him’
I held strong to the morning and called the midwife first thing absolutely sobbing. She was amazing and helped me remove my u wanted guests.

There was always friction after that and continuing comments on my parenting, she would refuse to follow any of the rules we set out (like not forcing them to finish a dinner) and we had to stop her ever baby sitting.

When I was pregnant with daughter I was very clear I did not want visitors for the first 3 days. She went off. Didn’t speak to us for 3 months, constantly gave the husband earache that she wanted to be the first to meet baby and that it was unfair. She hated me after that.

It ultimately was a big part in the end of my marriage. I would say have very serious talks with your husband about not letting the frictions impact your own relationships. You are allowed boundaries, you are allowed respect and you can choose to put a little more distance between her and yourself for the sake of your sanity.

Boundaries

You’re clearly very upset by all of this and desperately trying to make sense of it.
i think all the rambling is indicative of you trying to find reasons. I’d try to categorise her behaviour into baskets instead of going over and over things in your head as this is clearly making you anxious, and I’m concerned how much brain space, energy and time you spend trying to work out why she does things.
shes robbing you of your sanity.
shes so manipulative that you’ve lost your compass of normality.

forget the detail of what she does. It’s sucking on your energy and making you anxious

set your boundaries. Set them for your own peace and tranquility.

let her be her. Don’t pay attention. Don’t repeat the stories of what she does. Don’t let them live in your head.

I would say she sounds a pain in the bum, but you seem able to see and acknowledge it.

I wouldn't cut her off, as people are suggesting, i think thats a bit extreme. but I would just make things be on your terms. Stop inviting her out with you and baby if she's going to make jabs, and if she asks you or your partner why then you just tell her 'last time we went out you made some comments so I thought you didn't enjoy yourself and you'd rather see baby with your son'.
I can see how it's gotten to you so don't Subject yourself to her alone but you seem to be able to see that it isn't you, which is the biggest danger isn't it.

Smile and correct (not nod) is what I do. My favourite was 'aw is daddy babysitting whilst mummy goes out again?' (He goes out way way more than me) and I said 'no, daddy is parenting'

Similar situation. I would have a conversation and tell her how I feel. Stand your ground. She ain’t going to change sadly.

YANBU. At ALL! God I’d cut her out. Do as you’re doing - your partner can take baby to see her but you just stop bothering. She sounds relentlessly exhausting and it’s not fair to you. I wouldn’t be surprised if your partner hardly bothered either.
we are also a fertility family - IVF - and my MIL came round to ours with an awful (just typical older generation annoying) person when our first was 2 weeks old. They massively outstayed their welcome and were incredibly annoying, kept telling me to rest when the baby was resting etc, which he was when they were there but I couldn’t because they were there!! Wouldn’t let me take him back to change his nappy, or (breast!!) feed him.. I was furious by the end and we haven’t had in laws around again since, even when the other two were born! We go to them but never them to us.

god I feel exhausted and sad for you!