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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Early waking MIL help

76 replies

allthenoise · 25/03/2024 11:34

I love my MIL and we get on really well and would appreciate honest replies.

PIL staying with us for a couple of nights. DS2 (1) had a rubbish night sleep (up for a couple of hours between 1 and 3 am).

It was 6 am and he was crying again. I was in there with him trying to get him back to sleep and he was doing a sleepy cry.

He just put his head down to go back to sleep, still doing sleepy cry and MIL walks in saying good morning and obviously child doesn't want to sleep anymore.

There wasn't any knock or consideration that I was in there and potentially not dressed. AIBU to be annoyed?

I feel like I have no privacy. She always makes us a cup of tea and brings it into our bedroom in the morning. I feel very awkward and have tried to say I would rather get up and make it for everyone (so I can make sure I'm dressed appropriately). Half the time I don't wake up early enough due to being up with the children.

I know she is just trying to be nice and I should be grateful but I feel very on edge in my own home.

OP posts:
JacquesHarlow · 25/03/2024 11:36

Have you spoken to her about this?

piglet81 · 25/03/2024 11:37

Or, more to the point, has your husband spoken to her?

JacquesHarlow · 25/03/2024 11:39

piglet81 · 25/03/2024 11:37

Or, more to the point, has your husband spoken to her?

Well said @piglet81 and a better response than mine

Aquamarine1029 · 25/03/2024 11:39

Oh hell no. This is absolutely insane and it needs to be addressed right now. Your husband has to tell his mother that all of this needs to stop.

Hotdogity · 25/03/2024 11:40

Bringing a cup of tea into your room isn’t “nice” FFS.

Trystand · 25/03/2024 11:41

That doesn't sound kind to me tbh.
Your partner needs to talk to her

Original poster
allthenoise · 25/03/2024 11:44

Oh thank god!

I've tried to put in boundaries before and yes we've both talked to her. However she 'just wants to help' and forgets that we've discussed it.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 25/03/2024 11:45

Did your husband grow up with her just barging into his room? It's unbelievable she does to you at all, but in your own home makes it worse, if that's even possible.

Personally, I wouldn't wait for your husband to speak to her. I'd be far too angry to not say something.

Nicebloomers · 25/03/2024 11:46

I wouldn’t like that either. It’s going to be an awkward conversation for DH to have with her about overstepping but it needs to be done. Also, change your bedroom door handle for one that locks. They cost about £8 off Amazon and I changed mine in about 20 mins.

idontlikealdi · 25/03/2024 11:47

Your husband and you need to speak to her. My adorable uncle makes me coffee every morning when we stay there. He knocks the door and leaves a tray outside. That's nice, not just barging in.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/03/2024 11:48

allthenoise · 25/03/2024 11:44

Oh thank god!

I've tried to put in boundaries before and yes we've both talked to her. However she 'just wants to help' and forgets that we've discussed it.

No she doesn't. She absolutely does not forget, she doesn't care, and it's an obvious "power move." She thinks she's the matriarch and can do what she pleases.

You need to be very, very direct.

Haydenn · 25/03/2024 11:48

I’ve never forgotten that it inappropriate to barge into a bedroom being shared by two adults. She’s got you on a bit of string if you believe that.

Lobelia123 · 25/03/2024 11:49

I think you have to really spell it out to her and make the rules of your home clear. At the moment she thinks its about the tea and who makes it - its not, its about boundaries and you feeling that your privacy is being invaded by her coming into your room etc. So you have to say what it is that you actually want instead of dancing around it, trying to be polite and not give offence. This could be....MIL, bedrooms are a private space - in this house no one is allowed to enter each others bedrooms unannounced and uninvited, regardless of the time or reason, however well meant. Thats a hard boundary for us. Another rule of the home is to respect the rhythms of what we do with small children in the house. My childs sleeping patterns are X and Y. That means they are not to be disturbed before 8am (or whatever). Again, please refer to the rule about entering private spaces uninvited and without warning. In your own words that can be kinder or more conciliatory, but make sure theyre clear. She may not realise that she overstepping your boundaries, so give her the benefit of the doubt, but once youve told her clearly and unambiguously, then she knows and has no excuse not to abide by them - and by the way, they are not onerous or insulting rules for visiting :) Just common sense and courtesy.

DisforDarkChocolate · 25/03/2024 11:51

I'm very prone to say WTF are you doing?

Failing that I'd hide the kettle and leave a note in its place saying 'leave me alone, I'm sleeping'.

paintingvenice · 25/03/2024 11:55

I’d question the motivation. Is she being kind, or she bored and this is her way of getting the household to run to her schedule. If she wakes you up it’s rude, if she brings you tea….

RandomMess · 25/03/2024 11:55

Big sign on the bedroom doors

"Do not disturb. We will get up when we are ready to start the day"

Original poster
allthenoise · 25/03/2024 11:57

Historically she always does everything for the family and doesn't stop to take breaks, only when she is ill. I've managed to get to a stage where she'll only bring up one dish for us to eat when she stays.

It is very different from my family as I'm very independent and used to handling things myself.

Noted that we probably need to be more direct and I will encourage DH to talk to her. They've all accepted that she is like this and let her get on with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
allthenoise · 25/03/2024 11:58

Lobelia123 · 25/03/2024 11:49

I think you have to really spell it out to her and make the rules of your home clear. At the moment she thinks its about the tea and who makes it - its not, its about boundaries and you feeling that your privacy is being invaded by her coming into your room etc. So you have to say what it is that you actually want instead of dancing around it, trying to be polite and not give offence. This could be....MIL, bedrooms are a private space - in this house no one is allowed to enter each others bedrooms unannounced and uninvited, regardless of the time or reason, however well meant. Thats a hard boundary for us. Another rule of the home is to respect the rhythms of what we do with small children in the house. My childs sleeping patterns are X and Y. That means they are not to be disturbed before 8am (or whatever). Again, please refer to the rule about entering private spaces uninvited and without warning. In your own words that can be kinder or more conciliatory, but make sure theyre clear. She may not realise that she overstepping your boundaries, so give her the benefit of the doubt, but once youve told her clearly and unambiguously, then she knows and has no excuse not to abide by them - and by the way, they are not onerous or insulting rules for visiting :) Just common sense and courtesy.

I love this thank you. I'm quite blunt and I don't want to offend.

This is great for being direct but polite.

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 25/03/2024 12:00

I would have handed her the child at 6am, gone back to sleep and locked my door.
Get locks on your bedroom doors.

chuggachug · 25/03/2024 12:01

Get naked, bum up, head down with your dh straddling you from behind.
Scatter sex toys and lube around the bed.
She'll never enter again.

Lobelia123 · 25/03/2024 12:03

allthenoise · 25/03/2024 11:58

I love this thank you. I'm quite blunt and I don't want to offend.

This is great for being direct but polite.

Show quote history

Good luck! Hope she gets the message loud and clear and takes a big step back! And then you can all enjoy the visits again.... a bit of discomfort from having to have a direct conversation upfront can really save the long term family and relationship because these small intrusions always snowball and escalate and in the end it will end up with you being unable to bear the sound of her breathing!! LOL

Sunflours · 25/03/2024 12:09

Giving her the benefit of the doubt as you say generally you get on, I think she's just being rather thoughtless and your DH needs to gently have a word. Sounds like she's treating you both like kids bringing drinks to your room, how awkward!!
I do know my ex PIL had a routine that they followed to the letter whether at home or away. They seemed to think everyone else should slot in too. I was always made to feel lazy for sleeping in a bit even though I'd been up with baby/kids in the night BF or resettling. My ex-husband was of course marvellous for getting up before me (as he'd had a full night's sleep!).

Trystand · 25/03/2024 12:12

chuggachug · 25/03/2024 12:01

Get naked, bum up, head down with your dh straddling you from behind.
Scatter sex toys and lube around the bed.
She'll never enter again.

You'd think so!
My MIL walked in on my husband and I cuddling and kissing in bed (fully dressed thank God). She didn't apologize, just laughed and said "ohh you're getting ready to make baby number 2!". Didn't stop her from barging in

Fraaahnces · 25/03/2024 12:19

Be blunt… “You seem to have forgotten the talks we have had about boundaries. Please don’t X”

YouJustDoYou · 25/03/2024 12:22

My mum used to do this. She (and MIL) also would both get drunk (on separate occasions, they can't stand each other so never stayed at the same time) then crash around the kitchen "helping" put the dishwasher things away, slamming cupboard doors, breakign glasses etc (even though I repeatedly would ask them to just LEAVE IT because I'm trying to get three young children to sleep). I ended up having to be forceful with them and especialliy my mum and say when I mean leave it, I literally mean leave it.