Early waking MIL help

[allthenoise]

I love my MIL and we get on really well and would appreciate honest replies.

PIL staying with us for a couple of nights. DS2 (1) had a rubbish night sleep (up for a couple of hours between 1 and 3 am).

It was 6 am and he was crying again. I was in there with him trying to get him back to sleep and he was doing a sleepy cry.

He just put his head down to go back to sleep, still doing sleepy cry and MIL walks in saying good morning and obviously child doesn't want to sleep anymore.

There wasn't any knock or consideration that I was in there and potentially not dressed. AIBU to be annoyed?

I feel like I have no privacy. She always makes us a cup of tea and brings it into our bedroom in the morning. I feel very awkward and have tried to say I would rather get up and make it for everyone (so I can make sure I'm dressed appropriately). Half the time I don't wake up early enough due to being up with the children.

I know she is just trying to be nice and I should be grateful but I feel very on edge in my own home.

See-my mother used to bring me a cup of tea in the early morning if I was awake with the children-so I can't see anything wrong with this unless she is really noisy....

I think if it was my Mum I would probably feel a little differently. Although my mum would have asked what I would like her to help with, and she sleeps in till 8/9 anyway.

Door stop...

Is your uncle in the market for a new niece?!

So, I believe this is called martyr syndrome? By constantly ‘helping’ [on her terms, with no regard to the help you might actually need] she creates a situation where you are made to feel beholden and guilty. It allows her to be both lady bountiful and the victim at the same time (when you push back or ask her not to help). It’s a subtle form of coercive control.

https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-is-a-martyr-complex

@chuggachug

😆😆😆😆

You say she forgets you've had the chat before. If she actually has issues with memory then all the boundary chats in the world won't help as she wont remembernext time. You could try a sign on the door though - "please knock" or "don't disturb before 8am" etc?

I'd hand her DS, take the cup of tea, thank her and go back to bed, accept the multiple dishes, and wear a nightie

You don't see anything wrong with barging into someone's bedroom without knocking?

Tell her at the time it happens. Be polite but very firm while ushering her out and shut door behind her. "Thanks but he needs to go back to sleep until 8 otherwise he will be grumpy later" "thanks for the tea but please don't come in our room in the morning, we prefer to have some privacy ". I would also get a lock for your bedroom.

And it's best to deal with each thing at the time so just do it yourself if your husband isn't in the room. If you get on well you should be able to communicate assertively without needing to go via your husband. If she continues to ignore them get husband to have a word. Also ensure your husband is on the same page so that he'll back you up if he is there when it happens.

Locks on bedroom doors?

MIL used to do both these things. When she brought the cup of tea, it was kind but it was also overstepping boundaries- I hadn’t asked for it, didn’t like her walking in on me and her son and didn’t like her seeing me in a vulnerable position- sleepy/not dressed. I’d go as far as to say it’s a very subtle form of bullying/territory marking.
No contact now so one of the many things she did I no longer have to put up with.

Next time you hear her heading up to your room with a cuppa make sure you and your husband are in a compromising position. If that doesn't stop her in her tracks nothing will!

If it's quicker, and less damaging to woodwork, get a wedge for under your bedroom door.

These could be fun - door wedge with alarm

https://titandepot.co.uk/products/120-db-stop-system-security-home-wedge-shaped-door-stop-stop

This …. ^

it’s a bit more graphic than I would have written but it did occur to me that you could “pretend” an intimate activity when you hear her moving around/climbing stairs with tea!
Whatever you decide to do or say, she needs to learn some respect however well intentioned she is.
She’s too pushy.

It's very subtle but it's a form of bullying and territory marking. Any normal person understands that your bedroom is your private space and one that you don't enter without permission. Your MIL is forcing herself into your private space to exert dominance though I bet she doesn't consciously think that. She's also trying to distort the rhythms of your home to suit her own preferences, but again it's probably done subconsciously. All your MIL knows is that behaving this way makes her day better with zero concern about what it does to your day.

The suggestion from Lobelia is well written but it’s too much to say to your Mil. Just go through it and cut it down to size a bit and it should be fine.

It's a cup of tea and she is staying a couple of nights! It's a bit of a non-issue.

Have a conversation on the phone with your imaginary lover. Let her agonise over what she has heard and whether she should tell her son

So tired of the anti mother-in-law rhetoric on Mumsnet. It’s quite simple, have a lock on your door, put a small table just outside the door and ask if she would leave the lovely cup of tea on there, please, as it sometimes unsettles DC if she comes in. Job done. I wouldn’t go no contact with her over this!

It’s coming into her bedroom without permission. She could be naked. It’s rude and it’s not a non-issue.

I'm easy going and I love my MIL. I also love my DiL and she loves me. But there is no way in the world any of us would be showing up in the marital bedroom with morning tea. Walking in to DS room I could accept as unfortunate. She may have heard him crying and as she was up decided to go in without knowing you were there. But the tea is a huge no. Your DH is going to have to have words.