Husband's Reactions!

[MrsHankSchrader]

I don't know whether AIBU but I don't think my husband's reactions are normal. He has no patience and goes mad at little things.

For example this morning, I got a full chicken out the fridge from Aldi to cook for example (it was in date btw) and upon opening it, it smelt funny, I asked my husband to smell it, he said the same. I therefore couldn't cook it, he's on a late shift and was going to take some for his tea.

His response to me was have you bought another? No as we had one in the fridge! Then I got for f@cks sake I've nothing for my f@ckin tea now!!! I had just bought him some frozen salmon so I said cook that and take that for your tea. No he said, I want that for my dinner before I go to work.

I told him it wasn't my fault that the chicken smelt funny, he was in date, I therefore got the comments of well it's been there for a few days why haven't you cooked it before now!!

AIBU in that I hate his reaction to things? He says I'm too soft all the time when I tell him how it makes me feel.

I've just had to come out the house for a bit.

Because he doesn't do any cooking really I do. He works 5 days a week I work 4 so I pick up the majority of the household stuff, food shopping washing cooking cleaning etc.

well that's not a fair spilt - if you work 4 days and he works 5 days then the split of the chores and cooking should be he does one fifth less that you, not you pick up all the chores whilst he does fuck all

Good for you.

We eat breakfast , lunch & tea time.

So what?

Up north we say breakfast, dinner and tea.

Because he doesn't do any cooking really I do.

I do most of the shopping/cooking but I think my husband would still notice a chicken in the fridge & perhaps ask what day/meal it was for!

He sounds delightful! I fell sorry for you and, more particularly, your daughter. Having to live with this abusive arse must be dreadful. You don't deserve to be spoken to like that. Divorce is always an option you know!

This behaviour is not ok.

My recent ex would explode at me in a similar fashion at things that weren't my fault or that didn't warrant that level of reaction.

Sometimes people take out their frustrations on the ones they love. Then later they'd be horrified at their own behaviour and how they'd made the other person feel. They'd apologise and not do it again. What your OH is doing is minimising the behaviour and calling you crazy for not being ok with being spoken to like that. Let me tell you, I was spoken to like a piece of shit too many times. Nobody else in my life spoke to me like that (friends, family, colleagues, strangers). I will NEVER let somebody disrespect me like that again.

Thank you. I'm sorry you've been through something similar. I find myself questioning myself....am I over exaggerating, am I too soft, do I take things to heart?

FGS, stop gaslighting yourself. You are not too soft. Your husband is a bully and an abuser. End of. Want better for yourself and your daughter.

Some people seem to have relationships where they yell at each other constantly. May be what he grew up with.

I hate it. Mine used to do this a bit (separated now). I would always stay calm and say that I hadn’t done anything wrong so wouldn’t put up with being shouted at. He would always try and minimise and hated my calmness.

I recognise the reactions. When he knocked something over ‘who left that there?’ Or if the children accidentally broke something ‘FOR FUCK SAKE’. So unnecessary and immature.

Sit on your own sofa how you want. Who made him the boss?

ps Working one day less doesn’t make you the default person to do 100% of the drudge work.

Exactly. The daughter deserves better than being made to live with this foul man.

I see you're simply ignoring all the divorce posts and picking up on the minutia.

It is absolutely fine to choose a miserable life for yourself op. Your choice.

What is not fine is to subject your daughter to this abuser.

There's another similar thread going at the moment, there always is. And interestingly one of the posters is now the adult stage of your daughter. She hates her childhood and now doesn't speak to her parents. Either of them. For not only was her father a bully who made everyone's life horrible, but her mother too for enabling it, accepting it and making her as a child live with it.

OP. I've been where you are. You question your own sanity. You have all this cognitive dissonance and, trust me, it will make you ill. Mentally and physically. You start to think you are overreacting and are too sensitive. But you're not. I can only feel free now I know I was not overreacting and that I did not deserve to be spoken to in that way over and over again. And to have my feelings minimised and dismissed over and over again. One day he'll say something and you'll realise that HE is the problem. Not you. Try and listen to what everyone here is saying. It sounds like you're only just coming to the realisation that his behaviour is not ok. It may take you a bit longer to fully accept it. But, believe me, he will not change. Particularly when he sees nothing wrong with his behaviour.

Tbh Op, even if you were "too soft" it would still be that you aren't compatible & that this is no way to live.

He’s like a child who can’t regulate their own emotions. You are NOT his emotional punchbag. The way he has you questioning yourself is gaslighting. You know it’s not a case of you being too soft-it’s that there’s a voice inside you telling you that you are being disrespected and you don’t like it. If he can’t accept that he is wrong to speak to you like that, then I’m afraid you either listen to this nonsense for the rest of your life or you make your plan and get out.

wtf. Have you come on your period yet?! Your poor daughter. Why on earth are you with such a fucking idiot?

What a horrible cunt. Truly.

Try a new tactic. Ignore the ridiculous strop he’s throwing and just serenely agree with him, while offering no solutions.

“fuck sake, blame blame blame, now I have nothing for my tea…”

”oh I know, how awful.” sympathetic smile, walk away

This is controlling and coercive behaviour.

He demands you to cook him what he wants when he wants.

He becomes angry and shouts at you, not because he's lost control, but to intimidate you.

He then gaslights you into believing this isn't a big deal and implies you are somehow mental because you have a uterus.

His anger is directly linked to you not complying with the rules of the game which he probably changes how he sees fit.

I would urge you to do the Freedom Programme if you get an opportunity. You are in danger and it appears you cannot see it.

You're not over reacting (under-reacting if anything)
You're not too soft/sensitive/emotional (this is what people say when they get pulled up - rightly- for upsetting you un-necessarily)

Look up DARVO
Deny
Accuse
Reverse Victim and Offender

Someone put something up the other day, can't remember it all, but it was in the lines of
no I didn't
and if I did it wasn't so bad
and if I did you deserved it
and if I did it was your fault
(something like that)

Can I suggest you put him in the same place you put the chicken?
(PS Aldi chickens need cooking ASAP, I've found, but that's the least of your worries, OP)

Leave this person, life is short and can be tough, you just don't need this negativity.

You’re under reacting and subjecting your daughter to living with abuse. Please consider how to leave, you’d get loads of support on here but do you have any support in real life?

His reaction is so rude.

He had nothing for his tea - no one's fault

He swore at you - ALL his fault

Him having no tea is not your fault and he shouldn't have sworn at him. Tbh I think I might have told him to make his own tea and lunch himself if he's going to talk to me like that. I'd have then taken myself off to somewhere else to have my own tea

It's an appalling way to speak to someone. My ex was the same, and it was one of reasons I left him.

You’re not too soft op. Bullies pick on others to make themselves feel big and strong. Leave him and show him how strong you are, he will realise what a weak and pathetic man he is without you to project his anger onto x

When you are with an abuser it can be very difficult to see their behaviour for what it is. They keep your head filled with them and their 'what sort of mood will he be in/what can I do to please him/he was angry about the chicken I'll buy him his favourite to make up for it/I'll not wear these jeans he doesn't really like them' shit intentionally so that we have no room for anything else; it's a headfuck and it may well start affecting you physically. If and when you are free from him you will see his behaviour with the clarity that those of us who are not under his cloud can.

Do not doubt yourself. This is not your fault. Please consider contacting Women's Aid, just for a chat, you're under no obligation to do anything. I think it would be useful for you to start finding some strength, posting here was a good first step, it's not so difficult to put your toe towards the next one