To stop?

[Mommatron2]

So, I have been drinking wine most nights and understand this may be problematic and take full responsibility for this. However DH pulled me up on Friday and said that I am different person when I drink, he said I become annoying and can tell when he calls me at 8pm on his way home just by the way I answer the phone if I have had a drink or not. This frightened me so I haven’t touched a drink since (one week)

does this happen to anybody else, I really enjoy wine but am
now terrified to drink it. Was supposed to be going out with the girls on Friday for a night out but I have cancelled as I don’t want to drink. My mum was an alcoholic and literally horrible to me when she had had a drink so I would hate my kids to have the same reflection of their childhood. I honestly thought I wasn’t bad as I don’t start arguments or anything I just change my accent for some reason it’s bizarre!!

Anyone?

Your DH isn’t saying you just change your accent though. He is saying your a different person and not is a positive way. How much have you been drinking? Why couldn’t you go out with friends and not drink alcohol? Children of alcoholics are much more likely to become alcoholics themselves.

I generally have 2 nights off per week and can vary between 1 glass-1 bottle.

Be honest with yourself - How many units are you having a week? You don’t need to tell me.

Given your Mum, I personally would stop drinking, it would scare me that I might end up the same. You can tell yourself whatever you need to (like you won't drink until your birthday/Christmas/summer holiday, whatever. Then reassess at that point). You don't have to think about it being 'forever' at this stage.

id go out with my friends & drink something else (juice/alcohol free 'mocktails' but that depends. Are you saying you won't go because you can't imagine having a good time not drinking, because of their reaction or because you don't think you can be 'out' & not drink??

find a non alcoholic drink you actually enjoy

I would stop drinking if I were you. Give it 1 year dry and reevaluate ♥️

Hope you are okay! Hearing home truths can be hard xx

100% feel free to cut down on your drinking. Just be honest with yourself though- do you think your husband’s comments came from a place of love or control? Can he really tell if you’ve just had a drink- or is he trying to frighten you? The fact you’ve cancelled a night out with friends doesn’t sit well with me. It just makes me question his motivation slightly

It isn’t that I would want to drink, I just don’t want to go as it is usually drug fuelled, even though they never get me involved I just don’t want to be part of it. I just don’t really enjoy nights out anymore.

My mum says I am nothing like her and actually very nice when I have had a drink. He is aware I have a night out coming up and maybe that was his motive but I would rather not go to be honest. I am just not into it anymore, would much rather go for a walk/coffee etc.

I don’t start arguments or anything I just change my accent for some reason

If you are drinking regularly to the point where you start doing weird stuff for no reason, like changing your accent, I'd say that's a) a concern and b) massively annoying. It doesn't matter whether you start arguments or not - you are apparently drinking enough on a regular basis for it to be very obvious that you've been drinking and for it to change your normal behaviour into something different (and odd). I would find it cringey and unattractive if my partner starting talking in a silly voice every evening because he'd been drinking.

Unless there's a drip-feed coming in which we learn that your husband is a massive controlling bully who dictates every aspect of your life, I do think you need to rein it in with the drinking. I'm not saying you're an alcoholic or that you have to stop drinking entirely, and I am absolutely not one of those Mumsnetters who thinks anyone who drinks more than the recommended units per week is a problem drinker! I'm generally pretty relaxed about alcohol consumption. But if you're tipsy enough for your husband to notice, by 8pm, on most nights, then that honestly doesn't sound like a reasonable pattern of drinking to me.

I did a bit of soul searching on drinking, particularly because hangovers are just terrible at this age and wine doesn’t agree with me

the bit I find nicest is about half a glass of wine in, when I have that lovely mellow buzz. So now that’s what I aim for - when I get there, I stop and have a fizzy water, then I’ll drink the other half glass. I’ll usually drink a glass of water to quench my thirst too. Means I can do a night out on 2 glasses of wine and maintain that nice buzz, but never get out of control or hungover

lots of alcohol free options now too - good beers that are good if you’re in a round

Yes I agree it is cringey as hell. I am not defending myself at all I am willing to stop drinking.

do most people change a little after a drink?

Having someone tell you that you "become a different person when you drink" is a bit of a red flag in my view. At least, it should've been for me, as several people told me this when I began my decent into alcoholism. I was under the cosh of the bottle for 17 years and it was horrible.

People who have a healthy relationship with alcohol don't tend to become different people when they're drunk. They're just a less coordinated less self-controlled version of themselves. But amongst alcoholics and problem drinkers it's very common for a 'switch' to take place when a few glasses have been consumed. So, I would take his comments seriously and do some thinking about your relationship with alcohol.

'The girls' don't sound like people who are doing you any good, to be honest. Most people's girls' nights out are not routinely fuelled by cocaine. It sounds like you've out-grown them, and you're a better person for it.

You mention that your mum was an alcoholic, and I'm wondering whether you maybe have a slightly skewed idea of what's normal when it comes to drugs, alcohol, addiction etc?

Give over,would you say the same if a women was concerned about her husbands drinking.

If your mother was an alcoholic your sense of what is normal adult behavior is probably pretty screwed up.

Drinking a “glass to a bottle “ most nights is serious alcohol abuse/dependency.

Your dh is not the problem here. You are dependent on alcohol and it is a disinhibitor and a central nervous system depressant. The first produces social problems and the second produces moid and health problems.

The fact that you bring up your mother telling you that you are “nicer” when you drink is very telling. You have an unhealthy, romanticized, view of your drinking. You are just another alcoholic who dies not know how to manage sober.

Potentially yes,I used to shudder when my mum opened wine as she was horrible. I always swore to myself if I had kids I wouldn’t be the same. If I am
a different person after drinking, I am not going to drink at all. My kids deserve better than that.

If you are not a different person when you drink why do you drink? Get to smart recovery or AA

Talk to your friends though, don’t not go out, sit with a drink you enjoy that has no alcohol in it and talk to them(if they’re those sorts of friends). Best of luck op x

Yes. I’d always question someone’s motivation for telling me they had noticed something about me that then modified my behaviour or actives I was choosing to do. I never said it was controlling- just is OP comfortable for his motivation for bringing it up.

Definitely take what he's saying on board. I've had this happen and it was when I knew I was genuinely in trouble.

Can you restrict after one once the bottle is in the building? If not then literally allow yourself one of those little one glass bottles, or one can g&t, whatever but only ever buy one per day. See how long you can go without it and distract yourself.

Think of it as a health makeover. So cut down booze, more gentle exercise, try meditation? Healthier meals?

Once you're into that for a week or so you'll hopefully be able to reduce the one a day to 2 a week, then only special occasions, then never.

If you want support speak to your local alcohol service. Or go along to AA. You don't need to speak and it gives you a good distraction.

I would think a glass to a bottle of wine night is quite a lot - if it's 8pm (how old are the DC?!) and you're drinking in the house alone, to the point you've drunk enough your accent changes (so drunk?) and someone can hear that on a phone call, I'd also be concerned in your DHs position. Especially with alcoholism in the family.

I think most people get a bit louder and less inhibited, maybe more relaxed - which is often why people drink socially. My partner is shy and he definitely becomes more open and chatty in social situations when he's had a couple of drinks, for instance. Obviously alcohol does affect the way we think/feel, which is why we drink it, let's face it! I'm speaking here as someone who greatly enjoys the chance to knock back a few drinks, so I'm definitely not judging you at all! I just think that while most people change a bit when they drink, if it's got to the point where you are putting on a different voice and your partner thinks you're like a different person, that's a bit more extreme than someone who just gets a bit more cheerful/confident/soppy.

FWIW you sound like a lovely person to me, and if you've been able to stop drinking for a whole week, that's a good sign. Like I said in my previous post, the fact that you were drinking a lot doesn't necessarily mean you're an alcoholic, but it does sound like perhaps you were overdoing it a bit?

My DC are 8 and 6 now, never drank when they were little I BF for 18 months each time and it didn’t bother me, wouldn’t even touch a drop.

usually I would open a bottle whilst cooking tea and that would be it after one glass as never fancy it once I’ve eaten.

It doesn’t help that wine for mums has become so acceptable like they deserve it.