For this meet-up to have completely ruined me and make me want to give up

[aussierules3]

I have posted before about my group of friends (around 12 people) who all seemed to go off me and then just cut me off like I was nothing when I went travelling.
Long story short - one of the girls was treating one of the boys awfully, and I called her out on it. I don’t condone this but a lot of the group were also talking about this behind her back. All of a sudden, everyone acts really off with me and, when I went travelling, suddenly all unfollowed/blocked me one by one. I was devastated and crying every day for a while as I had no explanation for this. This was around 6 months ago.

A few weeks ago, I decided to text one of the girls and we decided to meet for coffee and explain our sides of the story.

When everyone started acting off with me, I asked some people about it but they denied it. Another member of the group told me that they had started a new group chat without me.
i don’t deal with things very well so i just felt hurt, felt that everyone hated me. So I went to a few events but was quiet. I withdrew myself and felt paranoid so i eventually just went home.

The friend i met up with told me that she essentially stopped being friends with me because she got the impression that I just didn’t want to be friends with her anymore because I was acting off and withdrawn. She said everyone else did the same. That was hurtful.

Then, just as I went travelling, my “best friend”, let’s call her Beth, blocked me out of nowhere. I was so so so so confused. Then everyone else did the same. Each day I’d have a new unfollower from the group. I felt so hurt and confused. No one gave me an explanation, nothing. Not one word.

The friend I met up with told me the reason why Beth blocked me. She was apparently angry and fuming. Then, she got everyone else to follow suit and stop being friends with me. It was the most petty and unbelievable reason ever, that could easily have been explained by me had somebody asked me.
Beth took something as me being spiteful towards her; but it was far from it. And I didn’t even know for 6 months.
I explained the whole thing and the friend understood. But no one asked!

The friend told me I’d dealt with everything wrong, that I shouldn’t have just withdrawn and let my anxiety get the better of me. She genuinely believed that I was being spiteful to Beth and she decided to also cut me off because she “didn’t need the drama in her life”.

The coffee ended with her telling me she doesn’t hold a grudge, but that we’ll never go back to the way we were and that no one else wants to be friends either.

I went home from this coffee in bits and sobbing. I felt so confused:

• I was so anxious that everyone hated me that I withdrew myself from the group sometimes. If I had a friend who did this, the first thing I’d do is check in and ask if they were ok. Not a single person did this.
• everyone believed that I did something spiteful to Beth - which I didn’t. But NOT ONE person asked for my side of the story, and everyone believed I was spiteful.
• Every single person in the group cut me off with no explanation or care. My friendship clearly meant nothing to anyone

I am honestly really cut up here. I have no other friends and I just feel like giving up on my life if I’m completely honest. I have a lovely DP who said I deserve better. But I am honestly so so so down and deflated. Am I being dramatic here? And how on earth do I move on from this?

This sounds really hard work. Are you all 15?

This is very painful but your life is worth more than these fickle arseholes! Don’t you dare measure your worth in terms of what these people - who you know are overreacting and being unfair and have succumbed to dumbshit herd mentality and scapegoating - that’s crazy @aussierules3 ! You are grieving now and feel hugely rejected but it’s time to reset. And give yourself enormous self compassion. Lean on your lovely DP’s care, and focus on healing this hurt.

They can fuck right off. Get angry. And be kind to yourself. Onwards and upwards. They don’t get to determine your worth or your life. Take your power back ❤️

Hi @aussierules3

I think I have read a few of your threads now. Are you the poster who was upset that you didn’t get a big send-off when you went abroad with your DP for six months?

How old are you? I think with age comes the realisation you don't have time for this bullshit. These people are not your friends! Go and make new ones. Enjoy life. Secondary point do you/could you have ADHD? Rejection dysmorphia can be a huge part of it, but again seems to improve with age in my experience. Keep your circle small but loyal.

whether that was you or not, this is no way to live, in a group that manages ‘friendships’ by ‘blocking ‘ or ‘unfollowing’.

Maybe they don’t like you. That is fine - not everyone can be everyone else’s cup of tea.

I would be considering if anything I had done had contributed to this and choosing my next friends more carefully.

But if it is you, who was so upset that everyone didn’t want to throw you a party when you went on what was essentially a long holiday, then you do seem to be part of the problem, demanding a lot of attention and enjoying the drama of it all.

They are sheep and you deserve better than this. I’ve had similar things happen to me and it’s so painful.

I also remember your other threads and you getting upset that you didn’t get the grand send off you wanted. I think as everybody has said to you previously, you have grown apart from this group, friendships can do this, not all last forever. It is time to move on and find new friends.

I understand you’re upset but I really think you need to look at your part in this.

I think it’s unlikely a whole friendship to would cut you off after one to two misplaced comments. You may be more blunt and ‘to the point’ then even you realise. I’m guessing that they’ve just got a bit fed up with it all and I’m guessing that you don’t even see where you have blame in this.

I suggest you accept the situation as it is, work on yourself with great focus on how you speak to people and treat people and move on. I think it’s unlikely you’re a bad person but I do think it’s likely you’ve been talking out of place in a tone people don’t like when it’s not been your place to.

I am a lot older than you, and honestly, I have seen this so many times. People just aren't loyal, in my experience. Your Partner, children, parents and siblings are really the only people who will be in your life, for the long haul.

I went through a divorce, and not one of my friends even called me (friends of 20 years plus). My best friend had sex with my ExH, before we had even separated. I mean, just how shit can you be?

The only people I now really trust are those stated above. I do have friends, but keep it at surface level only. It's a horrible realisation that friends won't have your back, but it's been my lived experience, and I am mid 50's. By all means, go out for dinner and drinks etc with "friends", but don't expect anyone (except family) to rally for you when the chips are down.

The unfollowing and blocking seems very juvenile to be, and also deliberately provocative - they don't sound like nice people to me. I would say that you have outgrown this childish bunch. You have been off out into the world travelling, and I daresay they are a little bit jealous. Just brush them off.

I've been through a similar thing and it's agonisingly painful. No advice I'm afraid but just letting you know I understand and you're not alone in experiencing this. I hope you manage to recover from this and move forward.

Best piece of advice I was given was is something or someone is causing you grief get rid of it / them. Get shot O/P and don't look back . True friends don't cause this kind of angst .

If you'd taken the advice offered the first time you posted you would be over this by now but you seem determined to keep picking at this metaphorical scab.

Am I being dramatic here? And how on earth do I move on from this?

IMO yes, you are being very dramatic.

The friendship group is over and how you move on, is to get out and about and make new friends.

Perhaps a hobby group or a social club. If you don't want to go alone at first, ask your DP if he'll go with you to begin with.

Are you being dramatic? Yes you are, and you sound like hard work.

Unless you left things light and fun when you went away for 6 months, you can't expect things to have been improved by your absence. It's unlucky but it's true. If you started a drama with one of the group, even if you were technically right, then you went away - they will have moved on with her, resolved the situation, rather than with you.

You also seem to expect a higher standard of care than you give - for people to notice when you sulk or to try and fight to get you back. Do you go out of your way to approach people who have gone quiet? Do you give the benefit of the doubt to misunderstandings and tone in messages?

I don't think this group is coming back, but you can learn from it going forward. Try and think about what you can do for your friends, try to dial down the drama, sop keeping check on who does what. Life and friendship can be a lot easier than this. Good luck with your fresh start.

It sounds like that's what happened with the OP...

I remember other posts. You come across as very needy, and dramatic. I couldn't be doing with that.

YOU withdrew from them without communicating, not the other way around, and now you're upset that they followed your lead and let you go without communicating.

You got what you gave, you just don't like it when the shoe is on the other foot.

This sounds hurtful and I do understand why you're so upset. I agree that you shouldn't have become withdrawn and closed off. People have no patience with that type of behaviour. You're angry that no one asked for your side of the story but the fact is you didn't them what was wrong either! So you're all as bad as each other in not trying to find out what's wrong.
They don't sound like kind, supportive friends to be honest. I understand the pain of losing them, but honestly I'd rather have no friends than have friends who can be so fickle and unkind.

It sounds as though you're a true friend and they're not. Usual adage of it says more about them than you. Please don't feel bad about yourself but move on and leave them in your past where they belong. Enjoy your life & new friendships will blossom x

YOU withdrew from them without communicating, not the other way around, and now you're upset that they followed your lead and let you go without communicating.

Yep. Withdrawing from them and then waiting for someone to ask you what's wrong, is a really weird way to go about things. And frankly, quite attention seeking. You messed this up I'm afraid.

Is there any way you can find a counsellor that you can talk this through with? If you genuinely don't find life with living over this, then you need some help

I echo above. Learn what you can from this, BE honest with yourself and examine your own behaviour from this and then move on.

They haven't acted great no. So it's time to move on and make some new friends. But do you do think you could have acted better too?

This isn't a put down. Life is all about learning. And if you take some time to analyse this unemotionally and see all the parts that were played, you can avoid it next time.

I don't really have groups of friends. I meet my friends one on one and I am very happy to do so. Maybe that would be a better direction for you?

I can see why you would be upset OP, there are plenty more fish in the sea and true friendship will last the test of time.

I once went to watch a psychologist who said when we come to realise that there are only a couple of people in this world who truely care about us and that the rest don't then the happier we will become. That's just a simple fact and applicable to everyone, so put your energy into those that do.

That really changed my perspective on viewing friendship, they come and go.

F

@needquickopinions I rather agree with this. Over the years, I've been a little surprised at how quick some people are to drop a friendship

Now, I have far lower expectations. Happy to spend time with people, enjoy their company, but I don't expect much from them, apart from a very small circle of longstanding friendships

Who the hell talks to their friends like this?
What was this Beth so fuming about? Can't you call her and clear the air.
This other person has no right to say no one else wants to be friends with you anymore.
Though I'd say just move on from these clowns.
Unless you've committed axe murder I'd fail to understand their motives.

Well this is essentially what the friendship group did to the OP isn't it?