For this meet-up to have completely ruined me and make me want to give up

[aussierules3]

I have posted before about my group of friends (around 12 people) who all seemed to go off me and then just cut me off like I was nothing when I went travelling.
Long story short - one of the girls was treating one of the boys awfully, and I called her out on it. I don’t condone this but a lot of the group were also talking about this behind her back. All of a sudden, everyone acts really off with me and, when I went travelling, suddenly all unfollowed/blocked me one by one. I was devastated and crying every day for a while as I had no explanation for this. This was around 6 months ago.

A few weeks ago, I decided to text one of the girls and we decided to meet for coffee and explain our sides of the story.

When everyone started acting off with me, I asked some people about it but they denied it. Another member of the group told me that they had started a new group chat without me.
i don’t deal with things very well so i just felt hurt, felt that everyone hated me. So I went to a few events but was quiet. I withdrew myself and felt paranoid so i eventually just went home.

The friend i met up with told me that she essentially stopped being friends with me because she got the impression that I just didn’t want to be friends with her anymore because I was acting off and withdrawn. She said everyone else did the same. That was hurtful.

Then, just as I went travelling, my “best friend”, let’s call her Beth, blocked me out of nowhere. I was so so so so confused. Then everyone else did the same. Each day I’d have a new unfollower from the group. I felt so hurt and confused. No one gave me an explanation, nothing. Not one word.

The friend I met up with told me the reason why Beth blocked me. She was apparently angry and fuming. Then, she got everyone else to follow suit and stop being friends with me. It was the most petty and unbelievable reason ever, that could easily have been explained by me had somebody asked me.
Beth took something as me being spiteful towards her; but it was far from it. And I didn’t even know for 6 months.
I explained the whole thing and the friend understood. But no one asked!

The friend told me I’d dealt with everything wrong, that I shouldn’t have just withdrawn and let my anxiety get the better of me. She genuinely believed that I was being spiteful to Beth and she decided to also cut me off because she “didn’t need the drama in her life”.

The coffee ended with her telling me she doesn’t hold a grudge, but that we’ll never go back to the way we were and that no one else wants to be friends either.

I went home from this coffee in bits and sobbing. I felt so confused:

• I was so anxious that everyone hated me that I withdrew myself from the group sometimes. If I had a friend who did this, the first thing I’d do is check in and ask if they were ok. Not a single person did this.
• everyone believed that I did something spiteful to Beth - which I didn’t. But NOT ONE person asked for my side of the story, and everyone believed I was spiteful.
• Every single person in the group cut me off with no explanation or care. My friendship clearly meant nothing to anyone

I am honestly really cut up here. I have no other friends and I just feel like giving up on my life if I’m completely honest. I have a lovely DP who said I deserve better. But I am honestly so so so down and deflated. Am I being dramatic here? And how on earth do I move on from this?

You can take this opportunity for some self reflection OP, then move on and make new friends.

It's highly unlikely that all 12 of this group have cut you off for no justified reason is it.

We can all make mistakes in life, the trick is to learn from it and go forward.

Good luck

All you can do is learn from this experience. I'd look at how you communicate and what signals you give off. I agree with PP that if someone withdraws I'd give them space and take the message that they don't want anything to do with me.

I get that this a hard thing to move on from, a good group of friends is hard to find. It's not as simple as making new friends because it's a really hard thing for many of us to do.

Regardless of the reasons, these people sound like idiots, as well as being nasty and unpleasant.

They also don’t want to be friends with you. It is tough, but you are genuinely better off without people like this as friends.

I’d use this as an opportunity to find nicer people to hang out with who enjoy your company

Honestly, you should have taken the advice you were given the last couple of times you posted about this.
This group is a toxic collection of immature, over dramatic and spiteful individuals who have created a group identity around excluding others on a rota basis. Everytime you contact one of them to express hurt, talk it out, whatever, you are simply providing them with more gossip fodder and entertainment.
For the sake of your mental health, cut ties with these people and never look back. All the energy you're investing into them could be spent on building a new network. Develop relationships with your colleagues, your DPs friends, join a hobby group, go on line for meet ups...Youve allowed this palaver with these people to spoil a once in a lifetime experience of travel. How much more are you going to allow them to spoil by your insistence in trying to turn them into the friendship group you want rather than accepting they arent and never will be? Free yourself.

Sorry OP, but you do sound as bad as the others.

one of the girls was treating one of the boys awfully, and I called her out on it

What do you mean you called her out? You had a quiet word one to one or you had a go in front of the whole group? Seeing as you then say you don’t condone what you did, I suspect you did the latter, which was a really immature and dramatic way to deal with something.

So I went to a few events but was quiet. I withdrew myself and felt paranoid so i eventually just went home

So in other words, you were out with them, sitting with a face on and throwing a bit of a strop, and you’re upset no one pandered to you by asking you if you’re ok?

You all sound really young and immature. At that age, big groups of friends aren’t forever so time to find other friends and for you to mature too.

Its things like this is the reason why I have one best friend and a few friends.

Nothing comes good from being part of a big friendship circle. It’s always full of absolute drama. Be thankful you are out of it. Work on yourself and make some friends with interests similar to yours.

I would never block someone on the say so of someone else

I would never be so angry with someone with out communicating with them

What the hell are you accused of?

This group is a bunch of immature bitches who can't handle adulthood you are so much better off without them

This group is a bunch of immature bitches who can't handle adulthood you are so much better off without them
A 'bunch of bitches'? Why? Because of a few lines written by a significantly one sided op?

In fairness to the OP, she has made more than one thread about this group where she describes the previous exclusion of another woman and then a sudden return to favour of that woman, with the OP replaced as group outsider. Together with a lengthy history of back biting, people swapping and changing allegiances and so on. So I think there are strong indications this is an unpleasant group with a toxic dynamic. Obviously the OP may have played her own part in that when she was part of the included people. But, now she isn't, has been in the cold for a long time, and is in a very bad place emotionally, so really needs to move on. Because any changes she makes to her own behaviour in this group are unlikely to fix the problem, given they all seem to thrive on drama and conflict.

You have posted about this several times over the last few months and you keep getting the same advice. Cut down on these friends and cut down on social media.

• I was so anxious that everyone hated me that I withdrew myself from the group sometimes. If I had a friend who did this, the first thing I’d do is check in and ask if they were ok. Not a single person did this.

So you didn't really want to withdraw, you want your friends to go "You ok, hun?". Actions like this just add to the drama of it all. You accuse your friends of doing the exact same things as you - withdrawing from groups without contact, and getting upset about it. You're all acting the same i.e. childishly.

This sounds horrible OP, but I think you need to move on from this group of friends for now, including the one you went for coffee with. Maybe in time you'll reconnect with one or two of them, but the group of 12 sounds a bit toxic and best kept a distance from.

This is meant kindly OP. but my Mother had a close friend who had numerous issues with other people and it was always them that were in the wrong. My Mother said 'it can't always be just the other person in the wrong'
I would try to move on past these toxic people, but learn from it, and also try to look at your own behaviours and what part (if any) you honestly believe you played in all this drama.

I think the op sounds very hurt which is a different thing. Hand on heart most people would be really upset if 12 people suddenly ceased contact over a misunderstanding where our side of the story wasn't listened to.

Would love to hear their side of the story.

Long story short - one of the girls was treating one of the boys awfully, and I called her out on it.

Most people don’t want to be told off by friends for actions that have nothing to do with them. That’ll be the reason everyone cut you off - who knows when it’s their turn to be told off by you?!

It's okay to be sad and disappointed about how it all worked out. I'm sorry your friends did this to you.

There is no point in dwelling on it - for whatever reason they don't want to be your friend and you have to acknowledge that.

When it's all a bit less raw, reflect on your own actions in the lead-up to the falling out and see what you can learn to do differently next time.

Treat it like a boyfriend breakup - lots of crying/bad tv and wine. Then get back out there and find new friends!

Why are some people being so bitchy?

Not sure I - or any other adult - aspires to be the type of person who when they get dumped by their friendship group has no feelings about it and just moves on? It happened to me when I was 17/18, and it hurt, a lot. It would probably hurt more as a an adult as you don't expect people to just cut you off.

I'm sorry @aussierules3 I don't really have any advice because I don't have any friends (the aforementioned situation really critically stamped on my confidence at an important time in my life and I've never had a proper friend since) but I hope you can move on.

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Been there done that, pretty much similar circumstances.

Believe me you deserve better you don't need them and as much as it is hurting you will survive this just concentrate on you and your wellbeing. True friends don't follow a ring leader, true friends do check on someone withdrawing and true friends won't block out someone even if they are upset with them because they address it with them.

You are strong, you can do this and you will find your true people

These are not your friends.
They were jealous I think of your travels.
Block and find new ones.
Your future you will thank you

I don't normally do advanced searches but having read several of your threads, I'd say that you would really benefit from working out what is important to you, rather than chasing superficial 'friend groups'. You took a risk by calling out your friend on their behaviour directly, and it backfired. Dynamics do change when someone goes away for a period of time.

The person you met with today has made it really clear that she doesn't feel that the relationships are going to be restored. It might be time to see this as a fresh start and move on.

It sounds like you've outgrown them. You pick yourself up and move on and meet new friends.

I've had the same happen to me, which actually I'd never really thought about before, but it's very similar. I went travelling/worked abroad for a year in my late 20s. Many of my close friends back home lost interest while I was away. We had a chat (back then, it was an email, as WhatsApp didn't exist). I was deleted from the group while I was travelling (despite being a regular and active participant). No longer invited to group holidays and events once I was back.

It was very much a 'we'll live here forever and do the same thing we've always done' sort of mentality in the group. I think because I decided to move away, do something different, not be stuck there forever I was seen as a bit of dissenter. When I came back, my best friend (who'd thrown my going way party!) told me I'd 'changed' and seemed too 'happy and optimistic about life' now, and cut me off. She never spoke to me again.

I would imagine some of it was jealousy maybe and some of it was just feeling like their way of life was being questioned. It was the sort of place where people were meant to think it was the best place to live in the world and everyone married someone from there. And me up and leaving made people uncomfortable.

It could be the same for you. You could apologise to the group and say sorry if anyone thought you were being cold or distant. You were just travelling and enjoying life, but you value their friendships. But I suspect that you've just moved on in life and maybe they haven't and you're in different places now and it's time for new friends, as sad as it is to say.

Your dp is right, you do deserve better. It all sounds extremely childish and painful as it may be - and frustrating that you never got to explain your side to people - you need to move on from these people, your friend even told you it will never be the same again. It’s not always easy to make friends as an adult, but you absolutely can. (If and when you have a baby it’s the perfect opportunity to make a whole new group of friends, but there are loads of other ways to meet new friends).

OP, do yourself the biggest favour and leave this group of 'friends' behind. They are history. Create a vacuum for some new, genuine, lovely friends to come into your life who have your best interests at heart.

There's nothing to be gained from going over and over who did what and who said what. These people are not your future. I'm sending you a metaphorical big hug OP. You can do this. Let them go.

I'm sorry you're feeling so hurt, OP.

Whether you are being dramatic or not, they were your friends, they should like you drama and all. This modern day bs of set your boundaries, block and move on when it’s something that physically can be seen by you is terrible. They should have spoken to you. You’re honestly better off without people you have to wonder about and tiptoe around like that. Hope things work out ok for you op x