Do you think this is inappropriate?

[Opinionsneededd]

NC. Wanting some opinions on this.

Female friend of about 2 years. Has what I'd consider a habit of boundary pushing, and doing so in a clever, sometimes, manipulative way. Myself and partner have done a fair few favours for her over the time. We like to be nice and help where needed. I'm going to keep the following scenario as undetailed as possible, as it'll definitely be outing. I'm also going to leave out previous what I'd consider to be, 'form', as I'm really wanting opinions on this scenario, only.

My OH was approached by female friend to do a favour for her (one which either he, or I, could have done). She asked him to do this favour on the spot, there and then, and asked him to because she said that she had a minor, but painful injury which meant she could not. Think along the lines of a walk to the shops (not that - but very similar). He said yes, of course he'd do it for her as she's injured.

He took a few minutes to get changed, during which when he told me about it, I said 'Oh that's nice of you'. Then I thought on it for a second, and clarified - 'she's asked you to do this because she physically can't?'. He said, yes, that's what she's said. I had a gut feeling and told him, 'I'm willing to put money on this, that she's said this, yet is going to accompany you to do this task'. His response was 'How can she? (because of her injury) She can't'.

Female friend proceeded to accompany alongside my partner to do the task, as I'd suspected. My partner, surprised by this, told her, 'it's fine, I'll do it for you, it's no problem. You're injured, stay home'. She refused and absolutely insisted she accompany him. It meant that my partner doing this favour FOR her, seemed utterly pointless, as she was able to accompany him?

I just wondered what anyone would make of her, in particular, behaviour? My oh is very shy and not sociable, they only chat briefly in passing and aren't friends/don't hang out. He was rather annoyed and confused that he was asked to do a favour when it seems he didn't need to.

I'm sorry I can't give more specific details. Just wondered what you all would make of this friend.

I hope the post makes sense.

To clarify, I wasn't present whilst he did this favour for her (or WITH her, as it turned out). She insisted on accompanying him, which meant he needed haven't done it at all, she was quite capable, albeit struggling, and insisting on struggling along to accompany him, at quite some pain to her.

She’s no friend of yours that is way over the line of acceptable behaviour

Sounds like she wants to shag him.

To me it's weird, but without knowing her previous form I'd wonder if it's something she wanted to do but was too anxious to so wanted someone to go with her without feeling able to just say that.

Benefit of the doubt I'd say anxiety or loneliness on her part. But if she form for being scheming disrespectful and manipulative and your gut is telling you it's something more untoward then my main question is why are you calling her your friend when you aren't her friend, and why are you continuing to do things for her. Someone will only push the boundaries as far as you are prepared to let them.

I believe the reason (or excuse in my book) was she was afraid she'd fall if she did it alone. Which is pretty much why he told her to stay home - he would do it for her, there was no point her being in pain (and his words to me, slowing him down!).

There was no reason for her to go - she just went alongside.

Appreciate your viewpoint, thank you.

I am someone who tries to be nice too OP, and really feel for you.

Your so called friend isn't nice, and any favours you do enable her manipulative behaviour.

In fact, she isn't a friend but a personal growth opportunity for you to develop stronger boundaries!

I know this is easier to say than do OP, but your kindness has value, and you need to only offer it to people who can see and respect that💪

I really hope your partner has worked it out then….

I wouldn’t think anything about a friend like this because I wouldn’t ever HAVE a friend like this.

You do know that friends are supposed to be people you actually like, right? If you think someone is a manipulative liar, don’t be their mate. It’s not complicated.

What a lovely post sunights, thank you for taking the time to write that x

I was going to say to PP who said I wasn't her friend, I've told myself I'm the one in the wrong & not being very nice, both on this and previous things. I've tried to overlook I suppose, to be a friend, and consider that I'm perhaps the one not thinking right.

I do see it as an opportunity to put some boundaries in place, thank you x Just wanted to know if I was being silly or unreasonable

I suppose we have all traits to us that aren't that pleasant, so overlooked it. She can be very nice, then occasionally does strange things like this and I just don't know what to make of it.

Willing to hear if it's me thats unreasonable! Not sure what to think.

I should have maybe left out the part about manipulating/clever ways, and just stuck with asking for what people thought of this scenario. I do like her, when she's not doing things like this.

You are not being unreasonable, her boundary pushing means you have lost trust in her and are suspicious of her intentions (whatever they may be).

As the poster said, now you have recognised it as an issue prepare some "no" statements in advance i.e. I am not available at the moment sorry, or I can't do it that way, but I can pick it up on my way home.

If she is able to not do things like this all the time, and is still doing them, this suggests she has control and is choosing when not to exercise it.

She may be lovely a lot of the time. Can you get to a place where she only brings her lovely side to you?

Or where you can raise her behaviour with her without feeling like you are hurting her feelings?

If not look into transactional analysis and the drama triangle https://lindagraham-mft.net/triangle-victim-rescuer-persecutor-get/

Honestly, that taking herself on the walk anyway is just such a classic Victim move.

I honestly don't think you'll get anyone saying you are BU here.

I mean, let’s say it was ‘’walking to the shop’’ (which I know it isn’t) and she was injured, is there a chance she could have walked there okay and fancied the walk but would have struggled walking back if she needed to carry anything? Could that be it? Otherwise it’s odd, and she probably fancies him.

Say that was the scenario - the walk there (without carrying anything at all) would have been extremely painful, so not enjoyable, but the addition of the shopping bags, for example, would have increased the risk of falling, if that makes sense.

She also worded it to him prior - 'can you do x for me please, I can't do it because I've injured myself' iyswim

Thank you. I'm reading into this resource you linked, and trying to figure where I/we all in fit into this (who is who)

When she has taken the piss before/been manipulative that will have been her testing out your boundaries.

Have all her previous boundary pushings been to do with her getting time alone with your dh?

Yes, I'm beginning to recognise this now, only with the help of others viewpoints.

I suppose I wanted to believe we all had off days, and to be forgiving of this.

I am learning I'm not very self assured of my own perspectives/viewpoints on things. I told myself I was being silly, in this scenario.

Not all of it, no, some has been outright directed at me.

She has asked my OH to come into her home to catch a bug, on several occasions. Her other occupant in the house joined her to ask for this - which made me think that if two people are doing this, rather than just one, then it mustn't be a weird/inappropriate thing to do. He put a stop to this pretty quickly and told them they had to deal with this kind of thing themselves. Again he was quite fed up of it.

There has been other things I've noticed, but I honestly can't post them as they're so specific it would just out me.

It does sound as though this friendship might have run its course.

I second this. There was no reason whatsoever to need help when she fully intended to accompany him.

Next time something like that happens and she wants to "do" the thing she's asked you to do, is say to her "You're not coming too, are you?! I thought you said you can't do it?

Then say "There's no point me doing it, if you can do it yourself! Honestly X, I will go, you stay here."

If she still insists say "Look X, there is no point me doing something you can do yourself.....I'll leave you to it."

Then go back inside.

She sounds like a player who deserves to get played herself, like she would have been had you gone with your hunch and accompanied your OH on this “favour”.

Is this a friendship worth keeping Op? Does it add more to your life than it takes or is it balanced?

If I was questioning her actions and motives as much as you are I’d be distancing myself a great deal. With that distance you will more than likely get a better insight into her behaviour.

Was it walking the dog