Do you think this is inappropriate?

[Opinionsneededd]

NC. Wanting some opinions on this.

Female friend of about 2 years. Has what I'd consider a habit of boundary pushing, and doing so in a clever, sometimes, manipulative way. Myself and partner have done a fair few favours for her over the time. We like to be nice and help where needed. I'm going to keep the following scenario as undetailed as possible, as it'll definitely be outing. I'm also going to leave out previous what I'd consider to be, 'form', as I'm really wanting opinions on this scenario, only.

My OH was approached by female friend to do a favour for her (one which either he, or I, could have done). She asked him to do this favour on the spot, there and then, and asked him to because she said that she had a minor, but painful injury which meant she could not. Think along the lines of a walk to the shops (not that - but very similar). He said yes, of course he'd do it for her as she's injured.

He took a few minutes to get changed, during which when he told me about it, I said 'Oh that's nice of you'. Then I thought on it for a second, and clarified - 'she's asked you to do this because she physically can't?'. He said, yes, that's what she's said. I had a gut feeling and told him, 'I'm willing to put money on this, that she's said this, yet is going to accompany you to do this task'. His response was 'How can she? (because of her injury) She can't'.

Female friend proceeded to accompany alongside my partner to do the task, as I'd suspected. My partner, surprised by this, told her, 'it's fine, I'll do it for you, it's no problem. You're injured, stay home'. She refused and absolutely insisted she accompany him. It meant that my partner doing this favour FOR her, seemed utterly pointless, as she was able to accompany him?

I just wondered what anyone would make of her, in particular, behaviour? My oh is very shy and not sociable, they only chat briefly in passing and aren't friends/don't hang out. He was rather annoyed and confused that he was asked to do a favour when it seems he didn't need to.

I'm sorry I can't give more specific details. Just wondered what you all would make of this friend.

If it was all above board, not only did she give the impression that he have to do it because she couldn't, she never mentioned that she'd be going too.

From an outsiders perspective it sounds like she's trying to get close to your DH.

Something told you she'd be going along too, and you were right; trust your gut feeling.

I bet! I hadn't thought of that but it fits!

What activity is so outing that it;

• can be done alone, or
• can bo done without main player being there, but requires second to do it for them, or
• be done by 2 people at the same time? Ridiculous And she is after your DH

I think it depends what it is.

I take my gran shopping regularly, even though it’s her pushing the trolley and doing all of the work but she still needs my help in case she falls.

I had an injury once and needed help with moving furniture.
I was absolutely no help but I still felt I should have been there and me staying at home whilst others did the work would make me feel guilty.

In this scenario I don’t think she did anything wrong and you say she has an injury.
But if she has form for this type of stuff then that obviously changes things.

DH needs to have some stock replies ready.
If he’s happy to help he could have some replies that say yes he’ll do it but not right now, which means he can do it when she’s not there.

At the end of the day, your DH did a kind thing and helped an injured woman to do something that she would struggle to do alone. Which is lovely of him, even if she was taking the piss.

You know more from previous experiences but right now I have a piece of furniture that needs moving, I could do it myself with a lot of difficulty but I ideally need a big strong bloke (or woman)to do it. If I ask for help then I'd go along too not just leave them to it, just seems cheeky somehow.

I’d just have gone instead of my partner to witness a miraculous recovery.

That was my guess too. In which case she's basically gone on a date with him!

Just stop seeing her. She is not your friend.

In this case though, it’s your DH who needs to set the boundary. If it was “on the spot” this is something he needed to say no to - there’s not much you could have done about it really.

it sounds like it’s annoyed him - but this is his boundary to protect , not yours.

Is it usually things to do with your husband or your home?

MIL has a similar issue atm. Very dear friend who is csn be very lovely and is going through a break up.

Very much boundary crossing and taking advantage but all circling around "I want the life and man you have" kind of acts like DFIL is also her DH, that my DP is also her son and asks that level of favours. Overstays at their home and treats it as her own. Very much like she's trying to take MILs position in her home. In general she seems to view other people's things as also hers and I have had to be very firm myself holding boundaries like "this is yours, this is mine" "you're doing this important thing, but I'm doing this important thing and my thing is more important to me than yours"

If both of your are feed up of doing her constant favours just stop them.
She is OTT no doubt of that.

No sure if she got interest in your husband or just approach him first because she know he is going to do it.

I just don’t understand why he went. Surely, when she rocked up to go he would have said ‘oh, I was only going on the basis you couldn’t go, but as you are going then I don’t see the need for me to go’ and then take his shoes off.

I guess she was ok to go. But didn’t feel able to carry the bags back hence the request?

I’d go with him every time she asks your DH for help. That’ll piss her off, Shes after your man, she asks you for favors occasionally to make it less obvious.

Hi,

id want to know more about the context with this. Is there a pattern? what do you think her motivations are?
If she’s not feeling confident on her legs it seems a reasonable request - maybe she was embarrassed to ask for accompanying support in that moment of the call …and felt less confident at that point. She may be anxious, lonely etc. it’s difficult to know without background.

It's difficult with the (understandable) scant info but it sounds like she is almost inserting herself into your relationship somehow.

I can get her point - depending on what it was, in your example of the shop, she may have wanted to get out despite physical challenges and do the bits she could eg choose shopping items than have to stay home.

If he was uncomfortable and wanted to go alone he could have said that.

I don’t see it as anything more in isolation.

I was wondering if this was my sister, until you said about her living with someone. In my sister's (68) case, she losing confidence as her fall rate increases and her health declines. She's also desperately lonely. The sad thing is that because she isn't honest and overstays her welcome, people are withdrawing from her. It's often more useful to take people than do it completely for them. Otherwise they stay stuck indoors. Is she on painkillers etc? That can change decision making and manipulation can be from fear/loneliness. Rather than just drop her, speak to her.

I had a manipulative'friend' who got worse as time went on, had to confront and dump her

Does she like to pretend your boyfriend is her boyfriend

Agree, I also thought she was able to go, simply not able to carry the bags, so needed someone to come with her. There is clearly a back story here where the op doesn’t like her, and feels she’s after her bloke. Which may or may not be true. In isolation though I don’t see an issue, I’ve a friend with a temp mobility issue and she’d do something like this. She could go with someone, but going alone would be difficult, as she’d not be able to do it carrying bags, plus a little scary for her in case she did fall or something.

This. The single most mystifying discovery I’ve made via Mn is finding out that a significant number of people have friends they appear to dislike intensely.

Without any further background to go on, I think you're overthinking this. She may have felt bad about him going, or wanted some company whilst going out and about which she's struggled to do. It could be deeply cynical or totally harmless, impossible to say without background. But either way if her behaviour around favours makes you uncomfortable just don't do them in future, make up excuses.

This is insightful- could it be this sort of thing? Doesn’t necessarily feel like she’s coming on to your DH, but more like she feels she ought to have an allocated person to do what she considers to be “DH jobs” eg bug catching, accompanying her when she’s not feeling 100%, just having her back, supporting her etc. So not stuff she can’t do herself, just stuff she feels her imaginary DH would do for her.

Perhaps you go instead of hubby, and see how she reacts.