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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should this dinner be rearranged as I am not there…

73 replies

CordeliaGrey · 24/03/2024 22:14

Dh & I had arranged a while ago, for around 5 friends to come over this Saturday this Easter weekend for dinner.

However, I wont be there now as my Father is having surgery this coming Thursday - his appointment came through! He lives hours away and he will need someone around when he gets discharged, so I suspect I will be with him for a few days till Easter /Mon/ Tuesday.

There really is no one else who can be with him unfortunately.

I feel resentful that DH is still planning to do this dinner for friends in our home, and not prepared to cancel/l or rearrange it for when I am there.

He can’t come with me as he has some stuff he needs to to do - plus it is not his Dad.

I just feel really peeved that Dh is going to do this dinner and have fun, while I stuck being nurse miles away. Of course I don’t mind being with my dad at all.

Am I being unreasonable to ask him to rearrange this dinner for when I am there.?

And if the boot was on the other foot, I would rearrange this night with friends and think it is a bit odd that friends will be there in our house, and I am not. .
( kids have left home if people are wondering)

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 24/03/2024 22:16

Your husband is going to handle the work of entertaining solo for this round while you take care of your father. He isn’t taking something from you, he is being supportive.

you can schedule an additional gathering with friends when your life is less chaotic.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 24/03/2024 22:17

I wouldn’t cancel and rearrange no, just let DH go ahead and then sort something else with everyone at a later date.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 24/03/2024 22:19

He can't see friends and enjoy himself if you're not there?

Itloggedmeoutagain · 24/03/2024 22:19

I think they should just carry on.
It's hard enough to find mutual times as it is.
You can't ask people to cancel when they have made plans. They could have turned down other social events etc it's a bank holiday weekend

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 24/03/2024 22:20

Make sure you take the tv remote too so he can't watch tv either with you gone!

Overthebow · 24/03/2024 22:20

What do you think he should be doing this weekend then whilst you are away? Surely it’s nice that he will still be able to have a good time rather than sitting in the house by himself? Don’t tell him he can’t do it, just arrange something else with the group another weekend too.

Shinyandnew1 · 24/03/2024 22:21

Would you rather he sat in silence for the weekend whilst you were gone?

GalileoHumpkins · 24/03/2024 22:21

Why do you feel resentful? Is it just fomo or something else?
As its already arranged he should carry on imo.

TedMullins · 24/03/2024 22:22

Yes YABU. Why does life have to stop because you’re not there?

NashvilleQueen · 24/03/2024 22:22

Perhaps he doesn't want to let your friends down by cancelling

springcantcome2soon · 24/03/2024 22:24

I think my Dh would reschedule as would I

Awrite · 24/03/2024 22:24

I agree with the consensus. It's a bit late to let people down.

Dh is doing the right thing.

goingdownfighting · 24/03/2024 22:25

I'm sure your friends are looking forward to the gathering and may have rearranged or turned down other things after agreeing to the meet up. Your DH is fulfilling the invite on the behalf of both of you.

You've got FOMO but it's not fair to cancel and spoil plans because of an avoidable clash.

I'm sure it won't be the same without you and you'll be able to get together with them soon. Perhaps make more plans as soon as possible so you have something to look forward to.

Hope your father has a speedy recovery

Pipsquiggle · 24/03/2024 22:26

Not sure what you want him to do, sit in and do nothing, by himself?

I think let him go ahead and host. Arrange another one when you are back

Ladyluckinred · 24/03/2024 22:30

Hope your Dad is okay OP and wishing him a speedy recovery. I think if it’s playing on your mind, maybe share this with your Husband. Ultimately, he is the only person that you can explore this further with.

It may be that you were really looking forward to this gathering and perhaps you do not meet with this group often? Do you care for Dad frequently?

Original poster
CordeliaGrey · 24/03/2024 22:52

Gosh look at you all- being reasonable with your responses.

Thank you by the way too 😊
of course I don’t want DH to sit in on his own but I want to be part of the fun too.. it is tricky and I do feel a bit resentful and I am not sure why.
( Dad is not the issue)

@MyGooseisTotallyLoose remote is in my bag alread!

OP posts:
Alittlebitwary · 25/03/2024 00:21

Are they all very mutual friends? or more your friends and their partners... or more his friends and their partners?
If more your friends and their partners then I'd maybe expect to rearrange, but if everyone else wants to go ahead then no reason why not!

I'd be miffed to miss out too, hope your dad is ok!
And yes, definitely get the next date in the diary so you can catch up again another time too x

HeddaGarbled · 25/03/2024 00:29

Poor form to cancel at the last minute when your friends will have made (or not made) their plans accordingly. Your H is right to carry on.

Hope your dad’s OK.

NewName24 · 25/03/2024 00:31

I'm with the 88% voting YABU at the moment.

I don't see what is to be gained by your dh, and the 5 invited people now all sitting on their own in each of their homes, twiddling their thumbs, when they might as well carry on and spend that time together.

It's not like you can't have them round again next month or whenever you might be back and have a free weekend again that they can all make.

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 25/03/2024 00:43

I'm in the minority but I feel he's been unfair. It's a tricky week for you, you don't need anything else on your mind and friends will not be surprised at it being cancelled for a good reason like you have

Fraaahnces · 25/03/2024 00:57

I’d be shitty too. I know that relationships are nuanced and it’s difficult to get to see friends in groups these days. (You couldn’t possibly bring Dad back to your place to recover?)

Margritte · 25/03/2024 01:03

Reasonable to feel disappointed, OP but totally unreasonable to reschedule everyone's evening because of your changing arrangements.

Let them all enjoy it and book another date soon.

Haydenn · 25/03/2024 09:34

Not really fair on your 5 friends to cancel, particularly when they may have turned down opportunities to socialise elsewhere. You don’t have to reschedule- you can have 2 gatherings-just book another when you are back.

BobbyBiscuits · 25/03/2024 09:39

If say it might be pretty stressful cooking and entertaining them all without your help. I'm not saying give him sympathy, but he may be doing it as a sense of duty to his friends. It could be good for him to be distracted from worrying about you and your dad.
Then once he's out of hosp, the friends your husband catered for can invite you round or treat you to a meal out, saving you the effort. As it will be their turn!
I'd say it's a positive thing really.

ScierraDoll · 25/03/2024 09:41

Perhaps you need to focus on helping your dad get better instead of being jealous that your husband is entertaining friends without you.