Should this dinner be rearranged as I am not there…

[CordeliaGrey]

Dh & I had arranged a while ago, for around 5 friends to come over this Saturday this Easter weekend for dinner.

However, I wont be there now as my Father is having surgery this coming Thursday - his appointment came through! He lives hours away and he will need someone around when he gets discharged, so I suspect I will be with him for a few days till Easter /Mon/ Tuesday.

There really is no one else who can be with him unfortunately.

I feel resentful that DH is still planning to do this dinner for friends in our home, and not prepared to cancel/l or rearrange it for when I am there.

He can’t come with me as he has some stuff he needs to to do - plus it is not his Dad.

I just feel really peeved that Dh is going to do this dinner and have fun, while I stuck being nurse miles away. Of course I don’t mind being with my dad at all.

Am I being unreasonable to ask him to rearrange this dinner for when I am there.?

And if the boot was on the other foot, I would rearrange this night with friends and think it is a bit odd that friends will be there in our house, and I am not. .
( kids have left home if people are wondering)

Why would he cancel?

I work away regularly and sometimes the trips are last minute. I never expect DH to change any plans he has with our friends. And vice versa when DH goes away.

Sometimes there's a bit of FOMO but it is what it is 🤷🏼‍♀️

I've been stuck in the back of beyond at airports with flights delayed and they'll be sending me pictures of them all having fun!

Sounds quite controlling to cancel the dinner if you’re not there. Miserable attitude and honestly it’s showing you in a poor light.

Be gracious.

They are HER friends too! She'd like to be able to spend time with them as well!

But she can't. Does that mean none of them get to see each other?
I'm sure there will be other times.

It's so hard to get dates in diaries, I've just arranged dinner for 31st August, it's the next date everyone in a particular friend group is free. I wouldn't expect someone to cancel something that had been planned because I couldn't be there. I wouldn't be too happy to be missing out but I'd understand if it was going ahead.

How the hell does anybody think it’s you being unreasonable??

Mumsnetters who I assume are mostly white middle class British women really are bizarre.

Happy to be told I’m wrong for stereotyping. In my culture, you are very reasonable in thinking he should rearrange. And you shouldn’t even have to ask him!!!

I hope your father’s surgery goes well OP. I’m sure he will appreciate you being there, and you will be feeling much better for being near him.

But why?
Why isn't he allowed to socialise with their friends in these circumstances?

I wouldn't DREAM of asking my DH and friends to rearrange in these circumstances and neither would my DH.

I’d say it’s reasonable if they go out instead. It’s insensitive to carry on as normal when OP having a difficult time

If I was one of the friends I’d definitely suggest rescheduling

Eh? This doesn't make sense.
It's okay of they go out but not okay to go to their house? What's the difference? The OP won't be there,

The OP seems more bothered about missing the socialising rather than it being about them being insensitive about her dad's surgery. It's all abut the FOMO!

I would think most day surgeries under general would need someone around. When I think back to things I've had done by keyhole I wasn't mobile or safe to be alone for 48 hours or so.

Having said that I'm not sure OP said he would be discharged same day?

I wonder, OP, if roles were reversed and your partner was tending to his parent, you’d expect to cancel the evening.

That’s not meant as a “gotcha” by the way. Because I don’t know what your answer would be.

If you would cancel out of solidarity, instead of hosting alone, I do think it’s reasonable to be disappointed, even if you don’t act on that disappointment and ask him to reschedule.

Obviously if you wouldn’t cancel and would host regardless, then yes - it’s unreasonable.

Hope your dad ok. Op we find it hard to re arrange dates in our group 5 us. So we leave plans as they are.

Well, quite. That's why the second part of the same post says this:

@CordeliaGrey I don't think he should rearrange, I think he should arrange another meet for when you can be there. Don't let everyone else down because you'll be away supporting your dad. Have a second night in with them all. It's not long till May BH for example, you could have a lovely night then

YABU

Your DH should be allowed to have friends round when you are away.

Well, perhaps read all the posts where people have offered their thoughts, on the 2 and 1/2 pages before you posted. Then you will see how (currently) 82% of people think that.

I'd let him go ahead and then organise something else in a month or so when you are back.

If it can be rearranged (ie you can find another time when everyone else can be there) then why can't it happen as planned and then do it again when you're there?

Why does DH have to have a night in on his own just because you're not there?

FOMO. Not a good enough reason to cancel.

I think it would be unfair to cancel everyone’s plans because you can’t attend.

If it wasn’t at your house would you expect to cancel?

Depending on the friendship group I might be surprised if dh carried on with the meet up. You've not given enough info to gave a view on this situation. It's fine and normal for him still to socialise and have fun while you are supporting your parent though, unless life and death situation.

I hope that your dad's surgery goes well and that it improves his health. Good on you for offering to help him; people often underestimate how long it takes to recover.
Be an Elsa and let it go; yes, it's shitty to know your friends are having fun without you in the room, but if they are god friends, they'll propbably be organising a night for you
On the night, have a large glass of wine, open a pachet of Nobby's nuts and have a facetime with them for a while

@CordeliaGrey I’d take this as a win. Your dh does all the work of cooking and entertaining and you get to be in on the reciprocal invites without having lifted a finger.

Best wishes to your df.

Yes this

Thanks for all your interesting mix of responses.
I love Mumsnet 🙂
They are joint friends, however update is that a couple had to canx due to various reasons I won’t go into -so upshot is that the others will still come over and DH may get a takeaway or cook - he has not decided, but there will be plenty of wine no doubt. We will get another date in the diary.
I had to look up fomo, and yes I had that! DH & I are good cooks ( him more than me) and we are a good team and enjoy socialising.
Thank you everyone for asking after Dad and he will be fine. I did changed some details but his surgery is going ahead and I will be with him. It is too far to bring home with me to recover and he would not want to come anyway.

Happy bank holiday weekend all.

@pinkyredrose see mygooseistotallyloose above tongue in cheek comment about the remote control.

i.e. DH should not do anything when I am not there… not even watch TV.