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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should this dinner be rearranged as I am not there…

73 replies

CordeliaGrey · 24/03/2024 22:14

Dh & I had arranged a while ago, for around 5 friends to come over this Saturday this Easter weekend for dinner.

However, I wont be there now as my Father is having surgery this coming Thursday - his appointment came through! He lives hours away and he will need someone around when he gets discharged, so I suspect I will be with him for a few days till Easter /Mon/ Tuesday.

There really is no one else who can be with him unfortunately.

I feel resentful that DH is still planning to do this dinner for friends in our home, and not prepared to cancel/l or rearrange it for when I am there.

He can’t come with me as he has some stuff he needs to to do - plus it is not his Dad.

I just feel really peeved that Dh is going to do this dinner and have fun, while I stuck being nurse miles away. Of course I don’t mind being with my dad at all.

Am I being unreasonable to ask him to rearrange this dinner for when I am there.?

And if the boot was on the other foot, I would rearrange this night with friends and think it is a bit odd that friends will be there in our house, and I am not. .
( kids have left home if people are wondering)

OP posts:
strawberry2017 · 25/03/2024 14:07

I'm sure he would rather have you there but circumstances haven't worked out that way.
You can be peeved you won't be there but I think your reaction may be a little over the top.

Jayne35 · 25/03/2024 14:18

I think you are being unreasonable (a bit). If this plan has been in place a while the friends may have changed things/turned things down to attend. DH and I often entertain friends alone as we can't always be together at weekends for various weekends, I don't mind at all (as long as he cleans up).

SirenSays · 25/03/2024 14:19

What would you want him to be doing instead?

DarkForces · 25/03/2024 14:20

I'd be fine with the meal as long as everything was cleaned up by the time I was home and dh shared any gossip!

DDivaStar · 25/03/2024 14:51

So they all have to cancel and sit at home alone because you can't be there ? Or is that just your husband?

Honestly just get a date in the diary for the next one... ..

Pheasantsmate · 25/03/2024 14:56

I might be projecting slightly as well- but where you say 5 people, I am guessing one is single/lives alone or their partner is away. In which case I think you are doubly unreasonable to cancel plans on them

dottydodah · 25/03/2024 16:49

TBH I voted YANBU .I would feel that its unfair that hes living it up with friends while you are missing out! Can you tell him how you feel and maybe rearrange for another time ? Also could he come with you to Dads?
a

TonTonMacoute · 25/03/2024 17:05

Your DH should carry on and host the meal without you but YABNU to feel annoyed and resentful that you are missing out.

Starseeking · 25/03/2024 17:17

While it's disappointing that you don't get to be there, it wouldn't be fair on the friends to cancel this close to the date which has been in the diary for ages.

I'd reframe my viewpoint and see it as an opportunity to arrange another get-together with friends sooner than you would ordinarily have done (and yes that will mean your DH gets two fun nights instead of just one!).

Wishing your Dad a speedy recovery Flowers

BloodyAdultDC · 25/03/2024 17:28

I'm struggling to think what surgery your dh is having that he will be released the same day, that needs you to stay the whole weekend? Especially over the bank holiday.

I don't think so is being unreasonable but it is a bit crap that it's going ahead without you. Is there nobody else who can stay with your dad op?

NewName24 · 25/03/2024 18:07

I'm struggling to think what surgery your dh is having that he will be released the same day, that needs you to stay the whole weekend? Especially over the bank holiday.

Obviously that is none of anyone else's business.
But quite frankly, whenever I, or anyone I know has had surgery (or other medical procedures) then a bit of tender love and care over the next few days is just generally a nice thing for family or other loved ones to do.
Plus, the fact he lives hours away, presumably means that it makes sense to go for a few day whenever she visits, let alone when the poor chap is likely to be feeling a bit vulnerable, and quite possibly in some pain, or needing dressing changed, or just fed and fussed over for a long weekend.
In normal, loving families, isn't that what we would all do if we could ?

GingerIsBest · 25/03/2024 18:12

I understand how you feel.

However, in my life, arranging for 5 friends to come over would have involved a mammoth effort in the first place and I would feel terrible if we cancelled on the friends who would also have been looking forward to it.

So I'd have to chalk this one up to the shittiness that comes with sometimes having to perform caring duties for our loved ones and would look forward to the next gathering instead.

SpaceOP · 25/03/2024 18:14

BloodyAdultDC · 25/03/2024 17:28

I'm struggling to think what surgery your dh is having that he will be released the same day, that needs you to stay the whole weekend? Especially over the bank holiday.

I don't think so is being unreasonable but it is a bit crap that it's going ahead without you. Is there nobody else who can stay with your dad op?

Blimey. When my dad started Chemo, he was perfectly capable of looking after himself but I still went down for a week to get him into the routine and my sister went a few weeks later when he was in the more tired/painful stage.

Isn't that just what you do for family? And elderly relatives do take longer to recover from even relatively simple surgeries. My dad had something very minor done a few months ago and thought he'd be fine. My brother turned up 24 hours later for a planned visit and was shocked at how weak dad was.

OP you're totally reasonable to be sad to be missing out. But I think your DH is right to go ahead - it's Easter weekend and everyone would have made their plans accordingly. Cancelling at short notice wouldn't be fair.

StormingNorman · 25/03/2024 18:15

You have FOMO. Just have another dinner party when you’re around. It’s not a big deal at all.

TheSnowyOwl · 25/03/2024 18:15

I hope your dad is ok.

How about you host an evening later in the year once you are free to do so? That way your DH has his evening whilst you are away but you still get to have the same at a later date.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 25/03/2024 18:18

I definitely think he should go ahead as planned. It's the Easter bank holiday weekend and the group of friends have made plans to spend time together - they have probably missed out on other things to do so and, since people are busy, rescheduling might not be straightforward. No reason they need to be let down at short notice.

You can plan something else with them soon.

WarshipRocinante · 25/03/2024 18:18

I honestly can’t believe you’re caring about this when you should be focused on your dad. Going in about your husband having fun and how jealous you are. Grow up.

Your friends have arranged their Easter weekend around this dinner. It’s poor form to cancel when your husband is more than happy to go ahead with it so you can go and take care of your dad. But if looking after your dad is such a chore for you then hire a nurse and then you can go to dinner.

Ellie1015 · 25/03/2024 18:24

It is unfortunate you can no longer manage but no reason for the others not to catch up. You wouldn't expect them to reschedule or dh to not attend at a restaurant only difference is you have the option of cancelling the whole evening as at your house.

Organise another date (after this one has passed) so you have it to look forward to.

pinkyredrose · 25/03/2024 18:27

CordeliaGrey · 24/03/2024 22:52

Gosh look at you all- being reasonable with your responses.

Thank you by the way too 😊
of course I don’t want DH to sit in on his own but I want to be part of the fun too.. it is tricky and I do feel a bit resentful and I am not sure why.
( Dad is not the issue)

@MyGooseisTotallyLoose remote is in my bag alread!

Why's the remote in your bag? Hope your dad's ok.

Packingcubesqueen · 25/03/2024 18:30

I voted YABU because I think he should be able to have people over when you’re not there but I completely get the FOMO too.

SheepAndSword · 25/03/2024 18:33

It wouldn't be fair on your friends to cancel. Is DH a good cook??

I understand you might feel a bit 'left out' but it's time with your dad when he needs you, there'll be another time for meeting friends.

Riapia · 25/03/2024 18:36

I’m sure that your DH and friends won’t be enjoying the dinner.
They’ll all be sat around the table thinking of you. Wishing you were there.
It’s in the MN rules.

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 25/03/2024 20:49

Are people being deliberately obtuse?

They are HER friends too! She'd like to be able to spend time with them as well!

@CordeliaGrey I don't think he should rearrange, I think he should arrange another meet for when you can be there. Don't let everyone else down because you'll be away supporting your dad. Have a second night in with them all. It's not long till May BH for example, you could have a lovely night then.

AuntMarch · 26/03/2024 08:22

I understand the disappointment of missing out, but yabu to think everyone else should miss out too.

Luckylu123 · 26/03/2024 08:26

I think you need to consider it from your friends point of view - aside from as others have said that they may have turned down other plans for this dinner, imagine if it was at A’s house and his wife B couldn’t be there, but C, D and E still could go, wouldn’t you still want the dinner to happen?